Wisdom from Mary Poppins

Riley is really into watching Mary Poppins right now(she likes the music and movement) , so I find the songs running through my head over and over again. My favorite song is "Sister Suffragette" mainly because of the following verse:



"Though we adore men individually,
we agree that, as a group, they're rather STUPID."

I couldn't have said it better, sister. I always thought Mrs. Banks had a good head on her shoulders.

Trusting myself

"I don't know how my life will go, but I trust it completely."
Karen Maezen Miller


I did something today that i never thought I would do.

I signed final divorce papers.

Yes, it was the right thing to do, both for me and for Riley. Yes, I am happy that this process is nearly over. But yes, I would do it all again...

Marry my first love. Stay with him for almost nine years. Fight the huge battles. Take pleasure in the small victories. Work together towards a common goal. Take separate paths and grow apart. Grow a child. Give birth. Look into her tiny little face and wonder if I am going to be enough for her. Be scared to death that I won't. Feel the awesome pain of having my heart ripped out and stomped on. Learn to forgive. Learn to accept. Learn to let go.

So much has happened over the course of my marriage. So many good times, so much pain. So many lessons learned. So much still to learn.

As a general rule, I think too many people choose divorce when they should be trying to work things out. I know there are times when it is warranted, but I truly think a couple should explore every option before they end a marriage. I feel like I did explore every avenue possible to make my marriage work. I put everything I had into it, but I came around to the conclusion that it just wasn't a good thing for me or for my baby. I find a lot of peace and comfort knowing that I did everything I could to make it work. This sustains me through the long, lonely nights when I stare at my bedroom ceiling, waiting for my baby to wake up. I trust myself and I know it's the right thing to do.

After I signed the papers, I immediately felt a sense of relief. I am glad that I am past the lawyers-petitions-answers stage and glad that both our names are on a paper that officially ends our marriage, even though our marriage ended quite some time ago. I am eagerly awaiting the formality of having a judge sign the papers and looking forward to receiving some sort of document that makes this official. I am happy to be moving on.

Not long ago, someone told me that he was focusing on building a strong foundation for the future. Since then, I've thought a lot about these words, and how they apply to my life and my situation. In many ways, I have a strong foundation. I have a solid education, a good job that will support me and Riley financially and also allows for personal growth and development, a network of family and friends who love and support me and Riley. Riley and I are both healthy. We have a nice, safe home and safe, reliable transportation. I feel very blessed when i think of all we have. But in other ways, I am also working on building a strong foundation for our future. I am developing a stable, loving relationship with my baby girl. I am working on getting to know myself better. I am taking good care of Riley's needs while still finding a way to meet mine. I am figuring out this whole single parent world. It's been quite a ride so far, and probably will continue to be for quite some time.

Through it all, however, I keep reminding myself of one simple truth. I trust myself completely. I can trust myself to make the right decisions and find the right answers. I can trust myself to be a good mom for Riley and give her what she needs. I can trust myself to find what I need when I need it.

To paraphrase the quote at the top of the page, I may not know how my life will go from here, but I trust it (and myself) completely. And on days like today, when I find myself doing something I didn't ever truly expect, I realize that trusting myself to handle whatever life throws at me and to make the best of it is a huge gift to have given myself.

What it means

Ok, so it took me a few days longer than I thought to find time to write about the title of this blog.

When I turned 29, I decided to put together a list of 30 things I wanted to accomplish by the time I turned 30. These things might have seemed a little random to an outside observer, but actually every one contributed something to a goal or project I was working on at the time. Some things were very big and intimidating, like sending one of the books I have been working on to a publisher, and some were very small, like ride in a fire engine. I am the type of person who responds well to goals, and focusing on this list gave me direction to keep moving forward and not stagnate.

Number 8 on that list was "learn to walk in high heels".

Two plus years have come and gone since writing the 30 by 30 list, and many of those things were checked off. Some were put on hold due to pregnancy. And even though it required dedication and hard work to accomplish many of the items on the list, I remember being so proud of myself when I realized that I had learned to walk in heels. And the really funny thing is that there wasn't any special program or structure needed. I simply bought a pair of heels, and started walking around in them. Putting one foot in front of the other. After a while, I felt balanced where I used to feel unstable. I felt strong where I used to feel weak. I felt graceful where I used to feel awkward. And damn! I look good wearing high heels!

Is there a metaphor for life in this somewhere? I think so.

So the blog name is to remind me (and you) that it is possible to learn to do pretty much anything I need to or want to do if I just put on the shoes and keep putting one foot in front of the other. To remind me that I can find balance and strength and grace in things that are hard for me. And to remind me that after the hard times comes the reward, like shopping for shoes at the end of a long and exhausting week.

Hello, Hello!

Welcome to the latest member of my blog family.

Why do I need another blog?

Well, I realized that a part of me isn't represented by the other two. My first blog "here and there" was written while I was married and pregnant and both of those two things are over and done with (thank heavens!). I'm glad that I blogged through those times, but I will likely be shutting that blog down soon.

My other blog "me-n-rileybug" is supposed to be a chronicle of the life that Ri and I live together, and I'm finding that often, I end up writing on that blog about me and my feelings and my issues. Although Ri is too little right now to be independent of me, and in some ways my issues are directly affecting her, I wonder still if she is getting the blogging shaft. So, from now on, the focus of "me-n-rileybug" will be our family life together and the focus of this blog will be me and my personal life and issues and feelings. Plus, I realize that while Ri is certainly the center of my life right now, I am still a person independent of being a mother. For the first time in many years, I am able to put myself first. I don't have to consider another person in my decisions and plans and actions (well, except Ri) and that feels GOOD! I want to celebrate my independence and I want to share it with those that I love. Hence, a new blog, dedicated to me.

So join me, won't you, as I explore this new life I'm leading and loving. I'm pretty excited and happy about it.

Tomorrow I will post about the name of this blog and it's significance. Hope to see you then!

Kiss, Kiss, Love, Love,
Amy