Trusting myself

"I don't know how my life will go, but I trust it completely."
Karen Maezen Miller


I did something today that i never thought I would do.

I signed final divorce papers.

Yes, it was the right thing to do, both for me and for Riley. Yes, I am happy that this process is nearly over. But yes, I would do it all again...

Marry my first love. Stay with him for almost nine years. Fight the huge battles. Take pleasure in the small victories. Work together towards a common goal. Take separate paths and grow apart. Grow a child. Give birth. Look into her tiny little face and wonder if I am going to be enough for her. Be scared to death that I won't. Feel the awesome pain of having my heart ripped out and stomped on. Learn to forgive. Learn to accept. Learn to let go.

So much has happened over the course of my marriage. So many good times, so much pain. So many lessons learned. So much still to learn.

As a general rule, I think too many people choose divorce when they should be trying to work things out. I know there are times when it is warranted, but I truly think a couple should explore every option before they end a marriage. I feel like I did explore every avenue possible to make my marriage work. I put everything I had into it, but I came around to the conclusion that it just wasn't a good thing for me or for my baby. I find a lot of peace and comfort knowing that I did everything I could to make it work. This sustains me through the long, lonely nights when I stare at my bedroom ceiling, waiting for my baby to wake up. I trust myself and I know it's the right thing to do.

After I signed the papers, I immediately felt a sense of relief. I am glad that I am past the lawyers-petitions-answers stage and glad that both our names are on a paper that officially ends our marriage, even though our marriage ended quite some time ago. I am eagerly awaiting the formality of having a judge sign the papers and looking forward to receiving some sort of document that makes this official. I am happy to be moving on.

Not long ago, someone told me that he was focusing on building a strong foundation for the future. Since then, I've thought a lot about these words, and how they apply to my life and my situation. In many ways, I have a strong foundation. I have a solid education, a good job that will support me and Riley financially and also allows for personal growth and development, a network of family and friends who love and support me and Riley. Riley and I are both healthy. We have a nice, safe home and safe, reliable transportation. I feel very blessed when i think of all we have. But in other ways, I am also working on building a strong foundation for our future. I am developing a stable, loving relationship with my baby girl. I am working on getting to know myself better. I am taking good care of Riley's needs while still finding a way to meet mine. I am figuring out this whole single parent world. It's been quite a ride so far, and probably will continue to be for quite some time.

Through it all, however, I keep reminding myself of one simple truth. I trust myself completely. I can trust myself to make the right decisions and find the right answers. I can trust myself to be a good mom for Riley and give her what she needs. I can trust myself to find what I need when I need it.

To paraphrase the quote at the top of the page, I may not know how my life will go from here, but I trust it (and myself) completely. And on days like today, when I find myself doing something I didn't ever truly expect, I realize that trusting myself to handle whatever life throws at me and to make the best of it is a huge gift to have given myself.