Off the pedestal

I've been pretty quiet here lately. It's not that I haven't been writing, I have. Oh, believe me, I have. But a lot of the words that I've found have been too personal, too sensitive for me to share on here. For now, at least. But to those of you who have inquired as to my whereabouts...I'm here. I'm fine. And I love you all for your concern.



A very good friend and I have had several intense and fascinating conversations lately about life, love, faith, and living up to expectations. A topic that comes up frequently in these conversations is the concept of fitting inside a box, or conforming to an aspect of yourself that isn't even who you are, or who you want to be. I understand this tension all too well. It's taken me all of my 33 years to even begin to understand that who I am is ok. That I am not perfect. That I never will be perfect and that this is not only fine, it's how I am (how we ALL are) supposed to be. That we are here to find new experiences and make mistakes and find ways to correct them and learn to forgive others and learn to forgive ourselves. That although self improvement and striving to be the best we can be is incredibly important, self acceptance and striving to love ourselves despite our weaknesses is just as critical.

As long as I can remember, I have had an image of this perfect woman in my head, an image of myself, of who I am "supposed" to be. This imaginary person is the "ideal" me, the perfect version of myself who would magically materialize if I could "just do everything right".

I'm finally able to accept that that person does not exist, and further more, she never WILL exist. No matter how many things I do right, i'm still going to make mistakes, i'm still going to say the wrong things at times, i'm still going to ignore my laundry and eat Lucky Charms for dinner a few nights a week. And all of that is ok, because I am moving, I'm progressing, I have people who love me and people I love right back and most of all, I'm doing the very best I can with what I have.

So I've decided to take down that "ideal" me off the pedestal I've put her on in my head, and knock her around a bit. Hit her over the head with a little perspective, punch her in the gut with some reality. Take out my night-stick of truth and beat her around the face a little bit. Because, in all honesty, it's about time she started trying to keep up with me.

I'm done comparing herself to her, she's not real.

BUT
I'm here. I'm real. I tell the truth. I make waves. I make mistakes. I love. I laugh. I cry. I dance. I sing. I cuddle. I comfort. I help. I heal. I run. I swim. I bike. I create. I enjoy. I LIVE.

I'M HERE!

She's too busy smiling with canned joy at her non-existent children and her imaginary husband to do any of that.

She annoys me. I'm going to knock her off into the weeds as I ride my bike right past her.

Finding the Words

Since I can remember, I have had words in my head. There have always been stories brewing, lines of poetry being composed, or characters tumbling and whirling through my mind, even as I go about my regular, typical day-to-day life. Stories and scenes play themselves out in my mind as I do the dishes, bathe my child, check off items on the never-ending to-do list. The words keep me company as I ride my bike, follow the black line on the bottom of the pool, or run another mile. The world keeps turning and I keep writing in my head. I assumed everyone did this.

I told someone about this once, several years ago, and he just looked at me with an expression of horror. I’m certain that his clinical mind had just diagnosed me with all kinds of psychological ailments. He didn’t understand. Now that I am coming into my own, finding my tribe, I can say to my like-minded friends “last night I dreamed in paintings” or “the words are marching around my mind” and they accept this as a normal part of life. Words and pictures invade their mindspace, too. And because they do, they understand the burning need I feel to get them down on paper, so they are no longer inside of me, demanding a place to be expressed, demanding a venue to be heard.

It’s only lately that I have realized that my ability to write well is a gift-a talent that is uniquely mine. Only I can string the words together to form the story I need to tell, the truth I need to speak. It’s a god-given blessing that I am responsible for: to create, to inform, to make the world better. It’s a way I can leave my mark, a way I can be remembered, a way I can be heard. I believe everyone needs this, and I’m grateful to have found my path while it can still be developed and honed, while I can enjoy it and use it to help others understand me and my place in this world. I'm especially grateful that my words can help her understand her mother more fully. That she can, someday, read why i made some of the choices I did and why our lives are as they are. It's tough to tell a two year old the story of your soul, but one day, she'll need to know it. I can give that to her. Beyond that, I'm happy to have one more place to record my dreams for her, my wishes for her, and how much I love her.

These days, the words are coming to me more fluidly than they ever have. I have learned to keep the words, to hold them gently but firmly, until pen can meet paper and I can capture them permanently. I still have the occasions of writers block, but I’m learning how to coax myself through those. I’m grateful for this. I’m grateful for a life that lends itself to a few stolen moments to write, even though it never feels like enough. I’m grateful for my tribe of creative, authentic people who inspire me to keep writing, because I have a story that needs to be told and truths that need to be heard. And I'm grateful to have enough insight into myself, enough pride in my own story, and enough confidence in my abilities to believe it.

33 things you might not know about me.

I have had numerous requests to write one unique thing about me for each year I've been alive. So here goes:

1. I can honestly say that I am the happiest I have ever been.
2. The am actively working on two books, but have notes and chapters on about 14 others.
3. I fully intend to support myself and my daughter by writing full time within the next 10 years.
4. I cancelled my cable about 7 months ago and I do not miss it. At all.
5. I am a great public speaker, love to do it, and big crowds don't worry me in the slightest if that's why I am in one. Socially, however, I prefer smallish gatherings, where I can talk to people and get to know them.
6. I need PLENTY of alone time. More than the average person, I'd say.
7. My daughter and I share the same birthday. I was not willing to put off my c-section by 45 minutes so she could have her own. I am that big of a wimp.
8. I served in the Air Force for six years and I am very proud of it.
9. I think I have kick-ass legs (hence the above pic. thanks, jenica).
10. I have a great sense of humor, and can be really funny with most people, but I only get super-silly with those I love and trust.
11. I think I look better than I ever have, and I think this is a direct result of #1 on this list.
12. I am not easily scared or easily intimidated, but characters that come out of a play or performance and down into the audience - well, that scares the hell out of me.
13. I have a GINORMOUS family, which is awesome, and I especially enjoy how my siblings and I relate to each other now that we are all adults.
14. Even though my sister lives several states away, I consider my day incomplete if I haven't talked or texted her at least 10 times. I am not kidding at all here.
15. I didn't realize I was a pretty good cook until fairly recently.
16. I just learned to swim this year, but I have always loved the water, especially the ocean.
17. I love to rock the dresses, skirts and heels at work, but when i'm home, it's jeans and flip flops.
18. I am amused by little, obscure things. I know someone really "gets me" if they know what I'm laughing at without asking me.
19. I've spent a lot of time in New Orleans, and am fascinated with the history and culture of the city, but I don't especially like it. My favorite cities are San Diego, San Francisco, DC, and, weirdly enough, Austin.
20. I love to wear dangly earrings. I do almost every day.
21. Someone wrote a song about me a few months ago. It's sweet and silly and cute and I love it! It plays on my itunes and I put it on my mixes just so it cycles in every once in a while.
22. The biggest compliment I have ever received was from my friend's seven year old son. He wrote: "Amy is very nice. She is smart but not boring, pretty for a girl, knows more about sports than my mom, knows more about math than my dad, and is strange, but in a good way."
23. I completely believe in Karma. Absolutely , completely, without a doubt believe in it and have seen evidence in it again and again and again.
24. I don't like to watch Nicholas Cage or Jack Nicholson. I can acknowledge their talent, but I can't stand to watch them. I have no idea why.
25. I am fascinated with other people's beliefs and how they came to "own" them. So if I ask you to explain your religion or spiritual views or political opinions...there is no judgment. I'm just curious and want to know and understand where you are coming from.
26. I completed my first triathlons this year and my goal is to do a half-iron man in 2010.
27. I also plan on riding LOTOJA next year (2010).
28. I have only been to FOUR movies in the theaters since Sept. of 2007. I can find several things I would rather do than go to movies, although I used to love them.
29. I usually am reading 6-10 books at a time.
30. If I had to pick activity to spend my day doing, it would be cycling. absolutely. No question.
31. I have season tickets to the Utah Utes Football games. It's the highlight of fall for me.
32. I hate to shop for clothes, enough so that shopping interventions occasionally are staged on my behalf. I do, however, love shopping for lingerie. And perfume.
33. I can "read" people really well, and have learned to trust my gut. And I'm almost never wrong when I listen to myself.