**Randomness**

Me and my shadow

Just some random stuff that has been wandering through my head-space today:

*I have been playing classical music in the mornings, because I find it to be a soothing and non-assaulting way to wake up. The unexpected benefit is that it seems to help Riley stay a bit more calm and focused on getting out the door and on our way. Win-win.

*It's so nice to have a friend who shops online and forwards suggestions to you, especially one that knows what you need because she knows every item in your closet, and instinctively knows what will look good on you. And it's even nicer when you don't like to shop and don't have time for it.

*I've been enjoying experimenting with new, healthier ingredients in everyday cooking. Things like agave nectar, greek yogurt and different whole grains are easy to use and a better option than many of my usual, go-to ingredients.

*Riley spent the evening with some friends last night, and came home with feet that were filthy from playing outside.
When we were getting her ready for bed, I asked "What does it mean when you have such dirty feet?"
The answer I was looking for: "It means I need to wash them."
The answer I got: "It means I had FUN, Mama!"
I liked her answer much better.

*When one of your favorite people lives in Hawaii, it's pretty much criminal not to visit her there, right? I need to start looking for tickets.

*Mae West was right: Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.

*I've been finding inspiration in the most unexpected places lately. I love it when the Universe hands out small gifts like this.

*A little bit of yoga is better than none at all.

*I CANNOT wait until Squam by the Sea in October. I'm dreaming of days on the beach, lighthouses, time with my girls....heaven.

*I want some brown cowboy boots....the more beat-up, the better.

At a loss...

I am a responsible, reliable, resourceful person.
I am strong and confident.
I believe that anything worth doing is worth working hard for.
I can handle almost anything that is thrown at me.
I take a lot of pride in my work.
I take very good care of my daughter and myself.
I do the dishes and the laundry (eventually) and all the rest of the housework.
I do what I say I'm going to do, when I say I am going to do it.
I solve problems with whatever means I have to.
I set goals and I do the work to achieve them.

These are all good things, non?

Because of these things, I have a pretty fantastic life.

So what do I do when the above qualities are the cause of some pretty serious anxiety?
When a goal I set is waking me up at night, worried about how I am going to make it happen?
When this need I have to do my best, to follow through, to finish the game, is no longer a good thing, but it bordering on pathological?

Remember I'm training for LOTOJA this summer? Well, I'm starting to have some serious reservations about whether this is a good idea for me. Here's the thing: I know, I KNOW, that physically I can do it, and I really, really, really want to do it, but I have a lot of training between now and September 11th to truly be prepared. That kind of training takes time. And time is the something I am lacking right now.

According to my training schedule, I should be riding about 150-170 miles a week right now, with a lot of climbing in that mix. This is probably three evening longish rides (about 25-35 miles each) and at least one weekend longer ride (60-70 miles), with a couple of shorter, easy recovery rides thrown in here and there.

I would love to be able to ride this often, but my reality is I am a single mother of a busy almost-three year old, with a full time job. I go to work everyday, do my best there, and then head home and pull a second shift of housework and child-rearing responsibilities. I have friends and family who need me and I need to see, also. I have church responsibilities and other personal commitments and occasionally, I like to take some time to just chill. When I signed up for LOTOJA, I expected my life to look quite a bit different than it does now. Well, it turns out that it doesn't, and I have to work with what I have now. I love to ride - LOVE IT- but I'm just now sure how to fit this level of training into my already overcrammed schedule.

How I am going to work this out is becoming a bit of an obsession. It's honestly keeping me up at night. I tell myself it's ok to just do my best and if I can't do it, then I can't do it....but I don't really believe it. That feels like failure. I tell myself that I'll train up until race day, and if on that morning I don't feel ready, I won't do it...but I can't imagine myself doing that. I'd feel like I had wasted all summer. I tell myself to just bag it now and enjoy the rest of the season, but the thought of not riding LOTOJA, of not crossing the finish line...it makes me ache. I am firmly on a hook, and the really crazy thing is that this hook is all my own doing - I put myself here.

When I take myself out of the story, when it's some other 'full-time-working, child-raising, busy single mom' who just can't find the time to train for an event like this, I can easily hand her some compassion and tell her that her that it's ok, to just do her best and trust that things will unfold hwo they are supposed to. So why can't I summon up that kind of understanding for myself? Why can't I give myself permission to be gentle with myself.

AAAAAaaaarrrrrrrGGGGGHHHHHHH! (think Charlie Brown frustration here.)

The photo on this post was taken last October, in Moab. I love this picture of me because I look so relaxed and so balanced. I remember feeling so happy that day, so in love with life and so enamored with Moab and biking through Arches. Riding used to be an escape for me, a way to get out of my head and into my body. I rode because I loved how I felt when I did, and how good I felt afterward. It made me feel healthy and whole. Now I feel like it's an obligation, just one more thing on my already overloaded 'to-do' list. It's starting to feel like a job.

I know what I need to do. I need to get back to that feeling of freedom, of balance. I need to apply a little bit of trust that this will all work out how it is supposed to. I need to ask for help and accept the offers that have already been given. I need to seriously weigh the benefits of following through and the sacrifices it will take to get there. I need to do all of this, and I plan to.

On my next ride.

Whenever that happens to be.

Oye.

Gratitude Friday

Today I am grateful for:

**New yellow walls.
**The friends who helped me get them done and support me on all my adventures.
**The reminder that I don't have to take care of everybody (this is a hard one for me.)
**Finding a bit of solitude at the end of a wobbly, ragged week.
**Hot summer days and cooler nights. I love this season.
**Listening to the music from downtown on my rooftop deck.
**The chance to spend last weekend with my family and the way that time has carried me through this week.
**A new niece who will make her appearance in the next few weeks.
**Random emails from old friends who have no idea how much their words meant.
**My baby girl, who is no longer so little, but still is my baby.

Solstice Wishes

Riley ---June 21, 2010

Skin warmed by sunlight;
Golden wishes to the wind.
Summer Solstice Love.

Unbidden

Riley and I were at the top of Logan Canyon today, enjoying this view and getting a few wiggles out before we carried on towards home. As I took one last look at the breathtaking day, this quote came to my mind, unbidden.

"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. Nothing can bring you peace but the triumph of principles." ~ R.W. Emerson

It's funny how we often know what we need to hear, and it's usually right there inside ourselves.

Yes.

One of my favorite things - a magnet that Hannah made for me.


Yes. Yes, I have.

It's Pretty Damn Awesome, if I do say so.

Thanks, Hannah, for the reminder. :)

June 12of12

This month, the 12th was on a Saturday, and it just so happens that it was a day I didn't have Riley. It was raining and windy, preventing any biking as I had planned, so it was a pretty relaxed, pretty chill day. While it isn't representative of a typical day for me, it was still fun to record.

1. I took this photo as soon as I woke up. I slept in (for me) until 8:2oish and since I went to bed early, I got about 11.5 hours of sleep. SO NICE! And SO NEEDED!
2. I know it sounds gross, but i've been experimenting with eating a huge salad for breakfast to see if it affects my energy level and workouts. So far, so good. This was breakfast.
3. I spent almost the entire morning reading in bed (something I hardly ever do). I finished "Born to Run" and am working my way through "Rough Stone Rolling" (I love biographies) and re-read a couple of parts of "The Omnivore's Dilemma".
4. When I finally got out of bed, I went for a long-ish run. It felt GREAT!
5. Lunch was quesadillas, berries and tomatoes. No strategy here, just what sounded good.
6. Channeling my inner Jenica, while trying to get a self-portrait of me and my new camera.
7. 80 minute massage was on the afternoon agenda - mmmmmmm......
8. I enjoyed my pink pedicure with white and purple flowers all day long.
9. I'm attempting to grow herbs on my windowsills. This is my parsley, basil and chives planter.
10. Dinner - another big salad with chicken and whole grain bread.
11. I took a trip to REI after dinner, and kicked off my hunt for a new mountain bike. Can't wait to find the right one, so I can get on the trails.
12. Dessert - mine was a strawberry chocolate mousse that put me in a sugar hangover all day long. So yummy, but a little bit over-the-top.

Everything I learned about priorities, I learned from my ex-boyfriend

Ok, the title of this post is a slight exaggeration (well, a pretty big one, actually). First of all, I wouldn't call this person an "ex-boyfriend" but rather "a guy I used to date, off and on, for a while". Second, he certainly didn't teach me everything i know about priorities, but he certainly reinforced a few things for me.

I'll refer to this guy "Barnes & Noble" because I met him at- you guessed it- Barnes & Noble. He was picking out books for his nephew, I was buying books for Riley. He asked for my opinion and then for my phone number. Great guy, lots of fun, but ultimately not right for me in the long run.

B&N had made a lot of money in the dot-com world and got out of it before it collapsed. He invested wisely and was pretty much able to retire at 37 in Park City. He often told people that his life was better than their vacation, and to a lot of people, this was true. When he worked, it was at one of his investments businesses (which pretty much ran themselves) and I never, ever saw him work more than a couple of hours at a time. He was a sponsored extreme skiier, so I guess the hours he spent on the mountain could be considered work, but ultimately he just loved to ski. He lived for it. It was his top priority and that is what he spent the majority of his time and money on. And when he wasn't skiing, he was doing something in the pursuit of improving his time on the skis-he ran, he biked, he climbed, but only because they would keep him fit on the off season. He definitely put his money where his mouth was in terms of his theory on priorities. He lived modestly in a small condo, drove an old truck and hadn't been home to see his family in the south for several years, all in the name of devoting more time and money to his priority, skiing.

Can you see why we wouldn't work out, long term? Besides some glaring lifestyle differences, a family and children weren't on his priority list - and they definitely are on mine. Still, I often think about him and what I learned by watching him worship at the alter of powderdays when I am thinking about priorities.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about priorities.

Every so often, we are handed an opportunity to re-evaluate our lives, and the chance to make sure our hearts and heads are lining up, that we are being true to what we believe and who we want to be. Every so often, we find that we have the space to make changes, to do some things differently. This is a huge gift and one I have learned not to waste.

I'm in such a re-evaluation phase right now. I've been examining all areas of my life, looking at where I am at physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I've spent a lot of time determining what my priorities are right now (knowing that priorities will shift and change because life will shift and change) and seeing where I need to make some adjustments so that my head, heart, time and money are all telling the same story.

I can pretty much sum up my priorities in a short, brief sentence: my top two priorities are to be happy and healthy and to give Riley what she needs to be happy and healthy. Yes, this is a very broad sentence, but health and happiness are very broad ideas. They are dynamic and organic and the subtlties and nuances are what make happiness and health so rich and so wonderful. They are different for every person. I have specific ideas on what this means for her and what this means for me, but the details are unimportant.

I'm pleased with the way most things are lining up, with the way I am choosing to spend my resources. Of course there is still some work to do, because there is always work to do (If I didn't view my life as a constant source of self-improvement projects, I'd be so bored) but I am doing ok with what I have been given. It feels good to be able to say that and to be proud of the life I've created for us.

I'm healthy. I'm happy. Riley is healthy. Riley is happy. We have a great life with lots of friends and family who love us and support us. My priorities are showing up in our lives.

I guess I'm proof positive that B&N's theory has some merit.


My number one priority - September 2009

My little quirks

This pic has nothing to do with the post, I just like it.

One of my readers challenged me to list of ten things that make me who i am. She did this about two months ago, and i'm finally getting around to thinking them up (Sorry!). So, without further ado...

**I am not a phone person. I think the idea that you are obligated to turn your attention to a device just because it happens to ring is stupid. There are a handful of people I will talk to on the phone, but otherwise, I consider it a necessary evil, and one I deal with as little as possible. I'm much better with conversations in person, and prefer email and texts for the little day to day stuff.

**As a general rule, i do not like big crowds or loud, noisy, crazy places. I am not at all intimidated by them, I just don't like them. I've stopped apologizing for this.

**When I make a list (and I make A LOT of lists) I try not to have more than five items on it. Which means I have a lot of lists going, all at once.

**I know this is against popular opinion, but I just don't like Dave Matthews Band. I can't explain why, but I have a visceral reaction to their music - it ain't pretty.

**I honestly cannot tell you what my favorite book is or my favorite food is. I just don't know. There are way too many good ones to choose from.

**I have a great long term memory. I can still list all 50 states in alphabetical order and can recite a poem that I had to learn in 3rd grade. But I forget something every time I go to the store. Every. Single. Time. Today it was multi-vitamins.

**My favorite month is September. I do not like February. Not one little bit. Not at all.

**I love to travel alone. I even prefer it to traveling with friends or family. I find it insanely relaxing to be doing my own thing in total anonymity.

**I think that kissing is an art form and is under-appreciated and under-practiced. Give me a really good, really hot, really sensual kiss over so-so sex anyday.

**I do not like to wear socks and I only do so in extreme cases. They hurt my feet. I even wear snowboots with bare feet inside them. With the exception of working out, I can count on one hand the number of times i have worn socks in the past calendar year.

Not my boys, but...almost.

Last week, Riley and I ventured off to California to see my sister which means..."twinner time"!
Sweet little Tate
Crazy Little Liam

What is it about these little guys? Is it the adorableness time two? The sweetness squared? Or the fact that they are my sister's children, which means they are almost mine?

Liam
Tate
Liam on the left, Tatertot on the right.
These little men have found a stronghold on my heart, and I don't see them letting it go anytime soon. Which is just fine with me.

Tate in brown, Liam in yellow

Liam
Tate
I'm so glad I got to spend some time with them. They are so much fun!

Handed to me (Gratitude Friday)

Yesterday, as I went through my morning routine, this thought kept creeping into my mind: "The right thing to do for yourself is often the hardest". Because I couldn't shake it, I wrote it in my journal, made a couple of observations about times I experienced this truth, and then wrote "I need this to be reinforced for me today".

I put my journal down, picked up my keys and purse, and left for work.

Later in the day, I had a meeting with a woman I consider to be a personal and professional mentor. I relate to her several different levels - she understands what it means to be a single mom and a professional woman, she runs marathons, she is well-read and open-minded. She's beyond intelligent, she makes things happen, she works really hard and makes a difference in the world with her actions. Suffice it to say, I respect the HELL out of this woman, and when she talks, I LISTEN.

She arrived to our meeting a few minutes early and in that time, she told me of a few things she was dealing with personally that were less than ideal, but part of life. We chatted, I sympathized with her situation (knowing it only too well) and in wrapping the conversation up, she said "Well, you know, often the right things to do for ourselves are the most difficult."

It didn't hit me until later that she had reinforced the truth for me almost WORD FOR WORD on the same day it was on my mind. For this gift, from a woman I really admire, I am grateful.

I get by (with a little help from my friends).

Me, Jenica, and Amy (aka G)
The past few weeks have not been easy on me. The reasons are still too tender and raw to lay out here yet, but suffice it to say that there have been many tears, some unexpected anger and many sleepless nights.
G and Hannah
Jenica and Me
I don't have the luxury of falling apart, or even of setting a couple of days aside to wander aimlessly through the heartache, so I consider myself incredibly blessed to have a close network of friends and family I can call on for support and love.

Hannah, leaving us behind on her new adventure
These three girls are the cornerstones of this network. They are the ones I've leaned on most the past little while. They are my reality checks, the voice on the other end of the line late at night, and the ones who put their own obligations aside to help me out when the need is urgent. They are the ones who send texts at just the right moment saying just the right things, the ones who accompany me on an errand I couldn't have done without someone there with me, and the ones who show up at my house, bearing pineapple, asparagus and chocolate on an evening we all needed some togetherness.

Me and G
These photos were taken on a recent evening when we all got together to spend some quality time before one of us leaves for a new home in Austin. This was one of the most lovely days/nights of my life. These women get me. We understand each other and because we do, we feel validated, heard and loved. That love, that understanding and that sense of sisterhood has carried me since that evening. Truly, I get by with a little (or maybe a whole lot) of help from my friends.

G is for Gorgeous.

Yoga mama

Ethereal Hannah

Today, I am

**Catching up after being out of town for a week.
**Dreaming of some time on the beach - sand, surf, sunscreen- my idea of heaven.
**Playing with the rhythm and rhyme of some new poems. I woke with the words on my lips.
**Enjoying a healthy breakfast of oatmeal, grapes, and Calm tea.
**Remembering to be gentle with myself.
**Considering ways to simplify and live a more natural lifestyle while keeping up with the demands of life.
**Missing my sister, her husband, and their twins. Those little men have just gripped my heart.
**Grateful for a respite from my active little girl - some aspects of divorced parenting are truly wonderful.
**Processing some recent changes and sitting with what they will mean in my life.
**Planning my training schedule and goals for the month of June. I think I'm going to be tired a lot (in a good way!)
**Thinking about the changes I want to make to my condo - more color, opening up some walls, new bedroom decor.
**Thankful for good friends who helped me through a draining weekend.

What are you doing on this first day of June?