Changing Perspective

Change has been a constant theme in my world for the past several months.  I've known for a while that my life needed some big shifts and I've done the work to bring them into reality.  Real estate has been bought and sold.  A different car now sits in my garage.  Some friendships have been deepened and strengthened and others have been been let go.  Priorities have been examined and altered, and big, tall, wide boundaries have been drawn to weed out as much drama and negativity as possible.   I've spent countless hours dismantling a belief structure I was born into to test the various parts for stability and resonance, and now I am steadily working to rebuild what works into a structure that makes room for the parts of me that don't fit into the box while keeping the pieces I love and cherish in the overall design.  I've purged some things and brought in others.  Good hell, I even own not one, but TWO, pairs of skinny jeans.  In some ways, I don't recognize this version of myself, and I mean that in a very good way.  The changes I'm working on making are turning me into a more authentic, more genuine version of myself.  This version might not be as patient with drama, or as willing to say yes when she means no, or as accepting of people who play the victim in their own self-created circumstance (this has been absolutely intolerable for me lately) but this version of me is more authentic, more open and is living closer to my truth than I have been for a while.  Basically, I like where these changes are taking me. 

Here's the strange truth about this self directed campaign of change:   I don't actually like change.  I like ease.  I like calm.  I like routine.  Sure, I like the occasional adventure to a new place or an impromptu roadtrip, but these are exceptions to the rule.  Throwing myself into the types of changes I've been making are almost always the exact opposite of ease and calm and routine, but I am enough of a Pinterest addict to know that sometimes, you have to do what you don't want to do to get what you want to get.  Or maybe that's from Rocky?  I don't know.  The point is still valid. 

None of this has been an easy process, but there has been a certain flow about it that keeps me moving forward, even when I want to push against the flow,  or turn and run like Satan himself was chasing me. 

There are still some big changes I am working to bring into reality, and I've noticed that sometimes, when I think about these kinds of big shifts, I start trying to talk myself out of them.  I hear the old taped loops of "nice girls don't..." or "be careful what you wish for...." or "you don't deserve ..." and I have to make a full and concerted effort to stop those stories where they are and tell myself the new and improved truth.  It's a constant, daily effort. 

Today, when those stories were rearing their ugly heads, I took a walk outside my office, hoping that a shift in scenery would bring about a shift in perspective.  I walked up and down the sidewalk pictured above, and I really focused on the clear blue sky and the leaves crunching under my feet.  The autumn air was cool and crisp, but the sun warmed my shoulders and hair, and I sat for a minute and simply brought my attention to the trees, resplendent in a wash of hazy gold.  After a few minutes of breath work, I felt better.  I snapped a quick pic of the gorgeous October afternoon, and I walked inside to resume my workday.

As I flipped through my phone tonight, I landed on that photo and thought about the big and intimidating changes I'm still working towards.  And then I realized that the entire beauty of the afternoon was brought to me by the process of change.  The leaves had changed from their simple spring green to the dreamy coppers and golds on display today.  The air was refreshingly chilly because the the seasons had changed from summer to fall.   Even the sun was warm on my face instead of high above and blocked by the trees because the change in seasons meant a change of the suns angle.  The earth doesn't fight change, but simply embraces it, lets it work it's magic, and in turn, change makes her shine. 

There's a big metaphor in this story for me.  Maybe there's one for you too?

(I will try to) Fix You

I've realized that I do a lot of fixing.

At home, I fix breakfast.
I fix what hurts.
I fix hair into high ponytails and intricate french braids.
I may not fix the backwards D or misplaced comma myself, but I damn well stand over her shoulder until she fixes it.  
I have been known to take an appliance apart and spread the parts out on the floor until I can find the way to fix whatever ails it. 

I fix things. It's what I do. 

At work, I fix problems.  My title may sound fancy and academic, but basically I fix problems when they come up.  And they always come up.
Sometimes I fix money.
Sometimes I fix projects that have gone awry or are headed in that direction.
Sometimes I fix a colleague, mop them up,  put them back together because, after all, that's my job.

I fix things.  It's what I do.

I fix the people I love.  I help them examine their situations, offer new insight and sometimes I even walk them directly into the answers they are searching for when they can't seem to find them on their way. 
Sometimes I fix the people I don't love.
Sometimes I fix the people I don't even like.  
Today I found myself outlining a four step solution for a problem that had nothing to do with me for a woman I actively and honestly dislike.  She asked me because she knew I'd have a solution.  Because I fix things.  It's what I do.

I don't mind being the fixer.  I usually find great satisfaction in finding a solution that works and in using my analytic and intuitive mind (because yes, I am both analytic and intuitive) to help others live their best life.  I like finding the answer.  I like solving the problem.  I like finding ways to make the pieces fit.

I like fixing things. It's what I do.  And I'm damn good at it.

And yet, on nights like tonight, when I am exhausted from a day (ok, let's be honest, from weeks and weeks and weeks) of fixing hair, fixing breakfast, fixing problems that I created and fixing ones that I didn't, fixing errors, fixing a smile on my face and fixing to get yet another thing done.....

On nights like tonight, i can't help but wonder if maybe I'm going about this all wrong. 

I know I can't fix everything, so maybe I should not try to fix anything. 
Maybe some problems are best solved by leaving them on the ground until they are ground to dust by so many heels trampling thoughtlessly across them.
Maybe leading the people I love into answers deprives them of the experiences of failing and trying again.
Maybe insisting she fix her backwards D only solves the problem on this go-around and tomorrow it will be Bog instead of Dog, yet again. Maybe there is a bigger problem to solve here.
Maybe my time and attention and considerable efforts would be better spent on fixing me, rather than you. 
Maybe there is truth in the tension and maybe there is beauty in the broken pieces.
Maybe the way is to only fix what truly needs to be fixed, to fix only what is truly mine, and let the rest just....rest.

This feels so little and big, all at once.  This feels like some cosmic lesson I am given to learn over and over again.
Maybe the answer really isn't about fixing at all, but instead about enjoying the cracked open parts that, as Leohard Cohen so famously puts it, let in the light.

Reset

Lately, I've had an irrepressible need to make everything feel cleaner and lighter.  I've been purging all sorts of stuff from around the house and spending time organizing and deleting documents and photos on my computer. I've opened windows to coax the spring air inside and moved heavy winter coats and clothing into storage.  I've brought in more plants to help the air quality in my home, and more flowers to help my mind focus on the coming spring season. 

With all this emphasis on "Clean" and "Light" in my home, I've been forced to take a hard look at the way I'm treating my body, the flesh and bone house that keeps my brain and soul and heart in one physical place. 

Guys....It's not pretty.  

I'm usually pretty good and living a healthy, clean lifestyle, but Holy Wow!  I could do with a little spring cleaning of my own. The past few months have not been easy in so many ways, and the fallout has been in the ways I care for myself.  I've not been eating well; not exercising nearly as much as I require.  I've been going to bed very late then getting up very early.  My days are fueled with caffeine and chemicals (Diet soda, guys.  Nothing more interesting than that, but honestly, that's bad enough.) My stress level is climbing.  I'm both exhausted and wired at all times. 

It's time to hit the reset button. 

I believe in moderation in all things.  I have tried hard core cleanses and crazy intense workouts, and while I love the idea of that kind of dedication and intensity, I know myself and my current lifestyle won't support it. 

So what will my life currently support?  What does "Clean and Light: 2014" look like?  Here's what I'm thinking for now:

• Open windows
• Lots of water (a ridiculous amount lately - I think I've been seriously dehydrated.)
• Plenty of greens and my favorite "whole foods knockoff superfood salad" 
• Fruit, especially citrus
• Sleep.  As much as I can get in. 
• Walking.  Again, as much as I can. 
• Weight training and strength work and lots and lots and lots of yoga.  
• Stronger boundaries- helps limit the drama that feels so heave to me (there's another blog post on this topic soon.) 
• Limit the bad sh*t (I mean that mentally, physically, socially, emotionally, spiritually, etc.  I'm getting rid of as much bad sh*t as I can.) 

It's not rocket science, but this is what works for me.  I'm sure that there will be slip-ups and let downs and days when I'm too tired to do anything but the basics and takeout is inevitable.  But it's a process, a work in progress, and will never be perfect. And that's ok.

Showing up for myself.

A housekeeping item:
If you're a regular reader, you'll notice I'm back to my 'old' blog.  The new one never fit quite right.  It was scratchy at the seams and a little too short for my long arms and legs.  And while I loved the idea of starting in a new place, this is my most beloved corner of the internet and this is where I wanted to be.  So I'm gonna be here.  At least for now.  I've moved the other content over here so all is in one place, but there are some tweaks I'll be sorting out as I go.  Onwards and upwards. 

So, 2014 has, well...kinda sorta sucked so far.  There have been beautiful, amazing moments, for sure, but overall, it's sucked.  I could Pollyanna this for you, and run on with some blather about gratitude and letting go and sitting with the uncomfortableness and all that.  Someday I'll be in the headspace to appreciate those lessons, but right now, I'm willing to chalk the first couple of months of 2014 up to one simple statement:  "This.  Just.  Blows."  (Note to self:  When you choose "Space" as your word for 2014, you should expect that "Space" to manifest itself in uncomfortable and strange ways.  More on that later....)


This past weekend, as I wrestled with decisions and deadlines, and the overwhelming feelings of "I just do not know what I am doing" I heard a very quiet voice whisper back to me:  "Yes.  You do.  You absolutely do."  I argued.  I stated my case.  I laid down the facts and recounted the myriad ways I had screwed things up lately.  It was a strong argument and I ended it with the same statement.  "I just don't know what I am doing."  And the same voice became louder and more insistent.  "Yes.  You do.  Quit thinking.  Do something about it." 

Here's the thing:  the voice in my head was right  (note to my family: Yes, i'm acknowledging the voices in my head.  make sure you bookmark this page for my therapist's records, should you ever need to check me into the mental unit.)  I needed to take some sort of action.  Right then.  I'm in my head a lot, it's true, but the core of who I am is an action oriented do-er; a person who likes plans and goals.  I rarely solve my problems by "sitting" with them.  It's too esoteric and besides, I like to move.  Instead, I pedal or run or swim my way through them and the next step is usually waiting for me when I'm done.  So I got busy and I made a plan. 

It's pretty simple.  I'm done complaining and I'm done "sitting with" my issues and hoping they go away, and instead I'm going to start showing up for myself in all the ways that I know make a difference for me.   I'm going to show up for myself exactly as I am, dragging my imperfections and indecision and mistakes I've made behind me, and trust that they'll get lost or forgiven along the way.  I'm going to show up for myself because I can't really expect anyone else to solve my problems for me, and whining about them wasn't doing anything but adding to the drama of it all.  (And oh, good grief.  I hate drama. Especially when I'm the cause.)

I'm not sure what "showing up for myself" is going to look like each day.  I'm trying to be ok with that level of ambiguity.  Yesterday, it meant attending church services with an open heart and mind, and then taking a few minutes to meet up with and hug one of my dearest friends who was in from out of town.  Today it meant getting on the treadmill and running as far as I could manage in the time I had (it was only 3 miles, but hey- I'll take it.)    I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I am going to show up for myself.  As we say in my house - Pinky swear.
   

Thank You, Alaska.

Thank you, Alaska.
For your rough and wild beauty.

For sunny days and soft, quiet nights. 

Noon, June 12th

Midnight, June 12th

And the twin gypsy spirits of freedom and adventure. 

Thank you, Alaska. 
For an intelligent and big-hearted sister.

And for molding my baby brother into an incredible man. 

 

 One who treasures and protects his family,
and makes no apologies for living life on his own terms.

 

 Thank you, Alaska.

For the sweetest, silliest baby niece  - a tiny pixie with a bold and sunny spirit.
This little one has captured my heart completely with her cheerful, charming ways. 

 

Thank you, Alaska.  
For the peace that came from the sea and the sky.
For the space to find the center of my soul,
and the courage to breathe light into a dusty, neglected corner of my heart.

 

 

Thank you, Alaska.
For letting me walk your mountains, 
Soak in your waters and
Marvel at the wonders you put before me.

You've caught a part of my soul- the part that craves adventure and altitude-
and it's speaking earnestly enough for me to know this now.


I'll be back.

Something happens.

Something happens when you stop believing there is something inherently wrong with you,  something for which you owe an apology, and instead choose to love your perfectly imperfect self for exactly who you are.  Right now.  Today. 

Something happens when you stop holding your tongue, stop stifling your laughter, stop shushing the songs that play in your heart,  and instead lean into the knowledge that you came to live out loud.

Something happens when you stop making excuses, stop putting your needs to the side and start taking care of you.  You.  You.  You.  Because you are worth it right now.  Today.  

Something happens when you learn to accept the unknown, when you learn to relax into the uncomfortable and when you learn to stay loose and wait for the next curve ball.

Something happens when you stop thinking in terms of "us" or "them," as "wrong" or "right,' as "friends" or "strangers" and start embracing the whole of humanity- the entire messy, delightful, complex and glorious bunch. 

Something happens when you forget to be afraid of the dark, and instead grab a flashlight and follow your curiosity out into the night.

Something happens when you realize that there is nothing wrong with doubt, with questions, with honest investigation, and you start to do the work to unravel the threads that tangle up your mind. 

 Something happens when you stop saying "no" and start saying "Oh, Hells Yes!"

Something happens when realize you are stronger than your disappointments and fears, and you drop them on the sidewalk and simply walk on by.  


What happens is acceptance.
What happens is joy.
What happens is health. 
What happens is wisdom.
What happens is play. 
What happens is rest.
What happens is adventure.
What happens is peace.
What happens is faith.

What happens is love.

No Spend Month - Week 1 in is the books

One week down in the 'No Spend Month' and so far, so good.  No "things" have been purchased.  Only food, gas and childcare- all of which are 'approved' expenses.

A few observations for my first no-spend week:

1.  I get A LOT of email and snail mail that is consumer driven.  I honestly didn't realize just how many emails I receive every single day that advertised the latest sale or special offers or whatnot and I am taking action to get rid of them.  I am taking the time to unsubscribed to all emails I would normally just delete and am compiling a list of the various catalogs that I get each day and calling the vendor to ask to be removed from their mailing lists.  I hope it pays off  with a lighter in-box and mailbox, which is great for my 'simple living' lifestyle and for the environment.

2.  I use online browsing/shopping as a distraction A LOT.  Paying attention to spending, along with my weekly intention to stay focused on the task at hand, has helped me realize how often I surf when I am feeling overwhelmed or tired or just plain bored.  It's a bad habit, one that can result in rather random impulse spending and considerable time wasted,  and it's one I'm happy to be working towards breaking.  Now, if I can just break that nasty Pinterest habit...

3.  My cooking repertoire needs some serious help.  I am prepared when it comes to yummy "having-guests-over-for-dinner" meals, and I'm great with desserts and treats, but I struggle with simple, quick, kid friendly meals that I can make on a normal, busy day.   I often resort to eating out when I'm feeling tight on time or too tired to cook a big meal, and that is something I really want to change.

So yeah...one week down, a few more to go in the No Spend Month.   It hasn't felt like much of a challenge yet, but I expect that feeling may creep up on me in the weeks ahead.  I guess we'll see how it goes.

Riley's beat-up shoes: Sunday Gratitude and Intentions

These are Riley's shoes.
She's had countless pair like these: Usually black.  Mary jane style (her favorite.)  Usually with velcro closures. 
Always with well worn spots on the toes .


It used to frustrate me to no end how hard she is on her shoes.  It felt like, no matter what I said, no matter the situation, the minute the Girl got new shoes, they had scuffs all over and the toes were pretty much destroyed.   Case in point- these shoes in the picture are only about a week and a half old.

I really let this bother me for a while.  I tried everything I could think of to make her be more careful, to get her to be a little more cautious and to consider her footwear when she was playing.
Then I really watched her play.   I watched her kick and crawl and leap and roll around on the floor.  I watched her run and jump and crash and fall.  It became immediately apparent why her shoes were always so beat up - she played HARD, and her shoes took the brunt of her play.   But her face during this crazy, exuberant play is what i couldn't get over - how her eyes lit up with the thrill of discovery, and her gigantic smile appeared when she nailed a particularly intense landing.  There was no question in my mind that she wasn't thinking about her shoes.  She was thinking about how she could play harder, run faster, climb higher and push her own limits. 

So I got over myself.
She can wear less-than-perfect shoes, or I can buy new shoes.  This part of her childhood- the ability to play with such reckless abandon - this part only lasts for a limited time.   I want her to completely enjoy it and I want to completely enjoy it, without the burden of worrying about something as unimportant as shoes. 


As I've been thinking about what I'm grateful for tonight, I realized that this photo sums up neatly  many of those exact things.   

To be specific, I'm grateful for:
-The little girl whose feet wear these shoes.
-The patience and perspective I gain by being her mom.
-Her energy, her excitement, and her eagerness to explore her world and her willingness to let me be a part of this.
-The knowledge that I'm finally letting go of the idea of perfection and learning to embrace "good enough." It's a work in process, but I can see progress.  
- The resources we enjoy that allow me to not worry much about replacing her "beat-up before their time" shoes (I know that many families have a much tougher time meeting these basic needs.)

Wrecked shoes or not, our lives are really, really good in so many ways.  I have much to be grateful for.

 Next week's Intentions:
*Drink more water.  I'm usually pretty good about this, but lately I need to nudge myself along.  I'm hoping that setting this intention will help me return to a good habit.
*Get out and ride my bike at least twice this week.  It seems increasingly hard to fit this is, but there is nothing as good for my head and my body as a kick-ass bike ride.
*Continue to try to stay focused on the task at hand.  I noticed some improvement last week, but continuing to shine a light on this will help me move closer to where I want to be.


Looking forward to a new week- I always enjoy new beginnings.
Happy Sunday to you!

Lessons learned from 35

It always happens in September.  The leaves change, the kids go back to school, and I add another spin around the sun to my age.  Fall makes me contemplative, and my birthday seems to make me even more so as I get older.  Lately, I've been reflecting on what I've learned from the past year.  What I want to keep with me as I move into the next year and what needs to go. 

This past year has been a little sleepy in some ways, but has also contained some really big, really important days.  There have been moments that have been game-changers, that altered the course of every part of my life, and there have been a thousand more that simply coasted on the energy created from daily living.   I've made a few big scary leaps into new areas of my life, and I've shuffled my way, slowly and cautiously, towards others.   Such is the way of life, I guess, and as long as I keep moving forward, I'm good.

Still, there are a few ideas I've really had hammered into me this year, lessons I've learned over and over again in various forms and through various means.  And a different lesson I learned a while ago is that when things keeps showing up, it's probably a good idea to pay attention.  So- the lessons that kept showing up this past year - here goes:


**Simply put, I must avoid the drama queens.  Although my caretaker tendencies urge me to jump in and fix/help/comfort/problem solve,  I am SO MUCH happier and balanced when I listen to my gut, cut and run.

**Although it might cost me treasured friendships, although it might make me rather unpopular in some circles, I will never regret telling my truth.  Never.

**My priorities are just that - MINE.  They don't need to fall in line with anything other than what I need and want and I don't need to justify or explain them. 

**It's worth mourning relationships as a way to bring closure, but it's not worth living in the "what ifs" and "whys."  It's just not. 

**It's ok to be incredibly grateful for all that I have, for all the abundance in my life and to still ache for the few things my whole soul desires.  The dichotomy is natural and good, and the longer and stronger the aches burn, the more effectively they function as a refiner's fire.  I know what it is I want. 

**Good things come to those who wait -  Good things come to those who work and strive and plan and keep trying.  (I stole this from Pinterest, but it's so very true.)

Pretty simple, right? 

Yeah-it seems that way - even to me - but those lessons have been hard earned, paid for with work and sweat and grace and faith. This past year required a lot of me - it forced me to define who I am, what I believe and what I want for my life.  It wasn't easy, but it's been good.   Real and good.

photo by Amy Gretchen.  I love how she sees the world.

And now- onwards and upwards, right? 

36 is waiting and I still have a lot of living (and loving and learning) to do.

An unlikely dream

I have had the same recurring dream for the past few years.  In this dream, I am walking through these huge, weedy fields.  Usually I'm alone, sometimes I'm with people I love, but I'm always wandering through these vast expanses of land.  It sounds like it could be the setting of a very lonely place, but whenever I have this dream, whenever I see myself in these fields, I'm not at all lonely.  Rather I'm filled with a comfort that, for me, only comes with being outside in nature, and a calm that comes only from solitude.  I wake up yearning to find this type of life for myself.

 

I love these types of places, the open air and the open land.  There is something very soothing about the idea that I could walk for hours and not see another person.  Lately, I have been so drawn to the idea of rural living, of the hard work and the satisfaction that would come from this type of lifestyle. I want to greet the day by baking bread and hang my laundry out to dry. When I say this out loud, even to myself, I recognize that I'm probably only so enamored by this lifestyle because it's so different from how I live now, but still...the desire is very real and very deep.  Perhaps this type of yearning is from my Idaho roots, or perhaps it's just my mind's pushback to a busy, sometimes hectic, always people-filled lifestyle.  I know that the dream is one way my subconscious shows me that I need to find more time for me and more s-p-a-c-e.  Whatever it is about, it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

 

Maybe it's time to explore this type of life a little bit more, to try to understand what it is that is pulling me towards it.  Maybe I need more air and more space and more wandering.  Maybe I need to be surrounded by those things that comfort me: nature, land, water, and my family.  Maybe it's time to go home for the weekend and sink into it, to get my fill of the county, see if that will last me for a while while I figure it out.  Who knows what the future holds. Unlikely dreams come true, too.

 

Looking at 35

Taken on my 35th birthday. thanks, AmyG

I tend to get reflective this time of year.  Perhaps it's because I associate fall with the new school year and new beginnings, or maybe it's because my birthday falls in September.  Whatever it is, I've always been this way.

Except this year.

Whenever my birthday approaches, I usually make these elaborate lists of things I want to do in the next year - goals I want to accomplish, places I want to see, things I want to do.  I get really detailed and technical, outlining plans and defining milestones.

Except this year.

I started to really analyze why I was feeling this way - it's just so weird for me.  But even that took me way more inside my head than I wanted to be.

And so I decided to just go with it.

I'm truly happier than I have ever been.  Yes, there are struggles.  Yes, there are bad days and hard times.  Yes, I get frustrated and lonely and tired.  But underneath all of that, at the very center of myself, I feel a deep and abiding sense of goodness, of peace and of gratitude.  I feel more comfortable in my skin than I have ever been, and I feel more alive and whole than I have ever felt.

I'm finding that it's really a beautiful way to live.

So I have decided to just keep doing what I'm doing...living the life that makes me happy and gives me so many moments of joy and light.  To keep focusing on putting first things first and living a healthy and simple life.

It's working for me. 

Why mess with a good thing, right?

both of us on our birthday - have I mentioned that I love this girl?

Going to Ground

It's rare for me to get sick, rarer still for me to take time off work to recuperate.
I tend to soldier through until I emerge on the other side.
It's rare for me to spend not just one day, but f-o-u-r, in bed asleep.
I tend to, at the very least, try to keep up with my email or catch up on reading.
It's rare for me to spend the evenings curled up on the couch with Riley, watching movies.
I tend to make sure we stay busy and active.
It's rare for me to not feel guilty about all this rest and downtime.
I tend to berate myself for leisure when I feel like I should be working.

I've spent most of the week at home, recuperating from an unexpected sinus infection (I mean -- seriously, people--it's AUGUST!) and sleeping off the effects of the illness and the antibiotics. Although I'm over the worst of it, I'm still tired and I do hope to regain some of my usual energy soon.

I'm grateful that I had the chance to go to ground this past week, to recover and to restore. I'm grateful that I'm learning that, although hard to do, sometimes I need to care for myself first.

Good Enough

*hanging out on my roof*

One of my intentions for this year was to create some s-p-a-c-e in my life. Space to play, to spend time with loved ones, to explore new places, to do the things that make me feel whole and complete. Between work, raising a child, and trying to take care of myself, I have a crammed-full life, and yet I have a mind and heart that need a lot of space and time to stay balanced. I simply was not getting that space or time, and it was causing a little bit (ok, a lot) of emotional upheaval.

Lately, though I've noticed just how much space has opened up in my life. It's not that I'm any less busy, or have any fewer obligations. In fact, things have ramped up a bit. My daughter doesn't spend much time with her Dad these days due to his schedule, thus limiting my own schedule, my work is busier than ever, I spend quite a bit of time with friends and family, and I'm actively working on developing new talents and hobbies.

Despite this, I have found that the space I needed has, indeed, opened up, and I can attribute it to some well-considered processes. After spending time making sure that I was solid on what my priorities were, I made three very intentional and much needed changes in how I live my life.

-I spent some serious time, energy, and elbow grease getting organized and on top of things around my house (stuff like decluttering, meal planning, budgeting,etc.) This keeps me from feeling like I'm always playing catch up with housework and grocery shopping and the minutiae of daily life. I thrive on structure, and this type of planning creates inordinate amount of breathing room for me.

- I started saying no to everything that wasn't an absolute YES. I used to think that I should attend every book club to which i was invited, go to every concert that sounded fun, and train for every race or event that came my way. I've realized that I just can't maintain this type of pace, so now I opt out of everything that doesn't just scream my name.

-Finally, I've really worked on adopting the "good enough" approach to life. This is hard for the type A perfectionist in me, but I'm getting better and better at knowing when "good enough" is, indeed, "good enough". (I think that this one thing alone has been the most important change I've made.)

So yeah...I've done exactly one triathlon and no century rides this year. But I've spent several evenings walking around my neighborhood with Riley, enjoying the lovely scenery and people that abound. I still try to eat a very healthy diet, but I plan super simple meals for most evenings and get my foodie fixes on the weekends when I can enjoy the process of cooking healthy, yummy meals. I get plenty of exercise, but if I don't feel like going on a hard run or killer ride, I don't force it. Instead I take a long, rambling walk or do some yoga. I go to bed when I'm tired instead of trying to finish up that 'one last thing'. I put in a solid day at work and then I shut it off and leave it there.

This type of living is not something you achieve and boom! You're done! Like everything else, it's a continual process and it's never going to be perfect. Sure, it often seems like I could be doing more, and in some cases, I wish I could, but right now, life has slowed down to a very enjoyable pace and I'm savoring it. I'm enjoying the evenings spent on the roof, the books I wouldn't normally have time to read and the time I get to watch my daughter learn and grow. These changes are giving me a lot of space and breathing room, and bringing with them a lot of peace and happiness.

My life these days - - it's really, REALLY good.

How motherhood looks to me

How motherhood looks today

I did not expect my turn at motherhood to look like it does. First, I imagined raising a large, chaotic family, complete with dogs and pranks and soccer games, then I imagined growing old with no children at all. I didn't expect to be a single mother. I didn't expect to only have one child. I'm not complaining, not at all, because this version of motherhood is very good to me. It's full of a loving, supportive family who backs me up 100% and so many friends who provide all the light and love I could ask for. I make a good living and I'm able to find a way to do the things I want to do and be who I want to be. I get some time for myself and really enjoy the time I have with my kiddo. This version of motherhood might not be the easiest path, but I cherish the lessons learned, the love shared and the strength gained. No, I can't complain about how my life looks. And being a mother is definitely the best thing about it.

It still surprises me how tender I feel about being a mother. It still catches me off guard when my emotions well to the surface easily and with little notice. It still amazes me when I remember feeling her shift and move inside of me, knowing that I was carrying a little girl who would someday grow up and carry her own child. It still takes my breath away when I see how clearly she is her own person, and yet how like me she is. I still feel like she is my heart walking around outside of my body. I don't expect that this awe will ever really go away.

Becoming a mother changed me in ways that are hard to describe. I never imagined that one tiny child would hold the key to opening a well of love so deep, so strong, so intense that it would so completely change how my life looked and who I was. I never imagined it, and yet I would not do one single thing differently. I'm proud of who she is becoming and I'm proud that some of her is the product of who I am. I'm proud of who I am, and of the qualities I've adopted and strengthened in this phase of my life. I'm so grateful to live this life, to have this child, to be this mother. On this day, when we celebrate the mother's in our lives, I'm so thankful that this is how motherhood looks to me. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Happy Mother's Day!

What if....

...we looked for the good first, in every person, idea and situation?

...we moved playing with our family, friends, and loved ones at the top of our "to-do" list?

...we sought wisdom instead of information, connection instead of crowds, communion instead of congregation?

...we understood that it took real strength to cry?

...we allowed ourselves to dream impossible dreams, and then began to put one foot in front of the other towards them?

...we stopped trying to fix everything and began asking for help?

...we stopped worrying about what we are doing wrong and started celebrating what we are doing right?

...we focused on naming gratitude instead of placing blame?

...we stopped judging ourselves harshly, and instead gave ourselves the same kindness and compassion we show others?

...we owned our talents and our strengths?

...we walked wherever we could?

...we led with our hearts and trusted our intuition, because they always know the truth?

...we began to play with our edges, acknowledging that the most amazing experiences are often found at the fringe?

...we changed our minds about what "failure" meant?

...we acknowledged that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, because it's unlikely anyone is even really thinking that much about you?

...we dropped the anger, released the grudges, and let the sweet peace of forgiveness soothe the rough patches in our soul?

...we stopped beating ourselves up for making poor decisions, and instead recognized them as some of life's greatest learning experiences?

...we stopped defining ourselves by our achievements, the size of our jeans, or the balance of our bank accounts and instead described ourselves by the moments that left us breathless?

...we loved with a heart that was wide-open and vulnerable, and trusted that those we share it with would protect it as vigilantly (or even more so) as we do?

...we accepted compliments with a simple "thank you", knowing that they are genuine and well-deserved?

...we spent time learning, studying and really understanding our own belief system, and we allowed others the time and freedom to do the same?

....we stopped trying to be normal, and instead let our freak flags fly?

...we collectively agreed that rest was sacred and bedtime was heralded as the most important event of the day?

*************
I'm working on putting some of these ideas into practice in my own life.
I fully expect some of them to rock my world.

Which one do you think would change your world the most?

What I know tonight

'Be, Balance, Breathe'

We're on the other side of a week of the sickies.
We've been here before.
I know this game.
I know what to expect.
I know that it will take longer than I think it should to dig out.
I know that both the Girl and I will be more tired (more irritable, less patient) than usual.
I know she'll need extra snuggle time.
I know I probably need it just as much, maybe even more.
I know I'll feel behind at work.
I know I'll catch up soon enough.
I know I'll feel behind at home.
I know I won't catch up on that quite as quickly.
I know I'll feel like skipping workouts.
I know I'll go anyway.
I know I'll feel better for doing it.
I know I need to put myself first sometimes, too.
I know I will have to pull into myself for a while, to get past the deluge on my 'to-do' list.
I know those who know and understand me understand this.
I know these times happen.
I know they'll happen again.
I know I have the "get through it" directions on my mirror.
I know I have to let myself just 'BE'.
I know I must try to find some 'BALANCE'.
I know how to 'BREATHE'.

And that's all I need to know.

Found Elsewhere

Hey Ya'll: I'm blogging over at the "I Am Enough" Collaborative Today. Head on over and check it out!

New Year's Intentions

I still haven't completely chosen my word for the year, but I'm not really that worried about it yet. This is something I've done religiously for the past several years, so it's on my mind a lot, but I'm not rushing it. The right word will find me when it's time, and in the meantime, I'm focusing on my New Year's Intentions.

"Resolution" is such a concrete, hard and fast word, and while the type A, perfectionist in me loves the idea of setting resolutions, the realistic part of me knows that life sometimes (often) intervenes and that I'll be disappointed in myself if I don't keep my resolutions. I know this about myself, so I only set one "New Year's Resolution" every year: to hold lots of babies. Holding babies makes me happy, so I am sure to keep this one. Ta-Da! Easy, no? (so easy and so successful that it's been my resolution every year for about three years. )

What I do instead is set some intentions for myself each year. These are, basically, things I want to see happen, projects I want to complete, trips I want to take--those types of things. I feel like this allows me to approach my life with a desire to consistently and conciously improve, but not from a place of scarcity. (Does that make sense?) I already have everything I need to be happy. The idea of setting intentions is to direct my energy towards those things that add richness and zest to an already wonderful life. The other thing I like about intentions is that working towards goals in this manner directs the focus on the process and the reasons, rather than the outcome or results. A much healthier mindset for me to embrace (thank you, Jen McGown, for this interpretation of intentions. you said it perfectly and helped inspire this post.)

So, the intentions for 2011 are:

To 'put first things first'. Defining my priorities is important to me, and I am constantly asking myself if I'm spending my time (and money and energy) on what really matters.

To focus on healthy living. I try to keep an emphasis on getting enough rest, eating healthy, whole foods and getting plenty of exercise. These things keep me sane, and if they aren't a huge part of each decision I make, they often get left behind.

To find S-P-A-C-E. During the past year, but especially during the past few months, I've felt totally overwhelmed by the sheer amount of commitments that I have. So much so that the idea of a couple of hours without something scheduled makes me giddy. Feeling this obligated makes me really anxious, because one thing I know about myself is that I need time to myself to recharge and re-balance. So I'm setting the intention that I'll open up more space in my life to enjoy my days. To do what I love, and not what I think I should do. To spend time with people I really enjoy rather than those I feel like I need to see. To play. To travel with my girl. To rest.

I'm feeling good about these intentions, and believe they'll help me move in the directions I am seeking for myself and my kiddo. Keeping it short and simple works for me.

2010 word in review

Christmas Eve Sunset in Emigration Canyon, 2010

As many of you do, I choose a word to focus on each year, rather than setting resolutions that will likely be gone before valentines day. For 2010, I chose the word "build", and at the time this felt exactly right for me. I was anticipating some pretty big changes in my life, changes that would force me to stretch and grow and would shape and build an entirely different life for myself and for my child. Well, those changes didn't play out as I expected them to, and I've wondered from time to time whether "build" was the best word for me to focus on this year. Still, it felt so right that I couldn't abandon or ignore it, but instead kept trying to figure out how to "build" something out of the random mess I had before me.

Well, it turn out that over the past year, life has handed me the opportunity to begin building exactly what I want.

When I went to basic training, there was all this talk of "tearing down so you can be built back up". And basically, the drill instructors did just that. They annihilated every sense of self you might have gone into the military with, and then they put you back together into what you needed to be to function and thrive in that very new, very different world. You essentially learned how to walk, talk, eat and sleep in a way that supported "the mission". Brutal? Yes. Effective? Very much so.

Once the basic form was intact, the pressure let up, new training was applied, and you became what you were supposed to be, all tied up with medals and rank and a dress ribbon or two. On the day of my basic training graduation, I was so. damn. proud. of what I had done and who I had become. And I knew -I KNEW- that without the brute force and the humbling experiences and the moments that brought me to my knees, I would not have been as strong, as confident and as solid as I felt in that moment.

A big lesson for a 19 year old to learn, no?

In reflecting on my word of the year, I realize that this year has been defined by a lot of destruction work. Over and over again, I found myself questioning the things I thought I already knew, wondering if the life I thought I wanted was really the right life for me. I found myself doubting my decisions and evaluating my beliefs and weighing my options, and there was a whole lot of uncertainty and insecurity that hadn't been there before (or maybe, I was ignoring before). Many times, I felt like I was barely hanging on by my fingernails and I made some decisions that were just not good ones. I let myself make choices that I knew were not the best for me, I traded short term for long run, and tried to ignore the tiny whispers and then increasingly loud shouting that was coming from my heart. Then, because I believe in being thorough when I'm screwing up, I let the twin demons of guilt and shame mess around with my head while I tried to sort out how to uncover a life I recognized from the rubble of truth and consequences.

Finally, finally, I hit my limit. I'd had enough. I crawled out from under the wreckage, grabbed a sledgehammer and started pounding my way through all of this. I fired the voices in my head and began listening to my heart (they still keep trespassing but I'm getting better about recognizing them and chasing them away). I let go of some garbage that was clouding my judgment. I made some tough decisions that helped me get my life back on track, and then went through an even tougher process to erase some of the damage. I opened up new space in my soul by offering forgiveness to myself for the mess and then opened even more by offering forgiveness to others for past hurt i was holding onto. This whole process was, at times brutal, was very often humbling, and brought me to my knees time and time again. Still, it was exactly what I needed. Life broke certain parts of me down so I could 'build' myself back up into the person I wanted to be.

So even though the year is coming to its end, and my year of building didn't produce the grandiose changes I had envisioned for myself, I am happy with what I have built in the year 2010. It was a hard year, and at the end, I find that I'm more sure of myself and have a much more solid handle on who I am and what I believe. My values are more defined, my confidence is stronger and my heart and head are aligning on some very important points. I'm embracing faith in a way I wasn't able to before and I'm learning to offer myself some grace and self-compassion. I know what I want out of my life and I am committed to getting it. I'm building on past triumphs and past failures and I'm putting in a good, solid foundation for what I want for my (and my child's) future. I'm in a good place.

I'm in a very good place.

Only Love Remains

Only Love Remains

There are still words I wish we could say

Confessions to whisper,

apologies to offer

On bloodied knees if that would serve.

I’d open up my heart, let the contents spill out

The truths and lies,

the hopes and fears

Let them scatter across the ground

so we could sit down, sit next to each other

And sift through the remnants of what once was.

Turn the broken pieces over in our palms,

Examining them for the cracks,

the creases,

Finding the weaknesses

that allowed the fracture to occur.

Run tender fingers over the jagged edges while

time and distance heal the wounds.

I would hold your hands in mine, palm skyward

and trace your lifeline with my touch.

I’d remind you of the truths you already know.

Our past doesn't dictate

who and what we choose to become

And once forgiveness is offered,

Only love remains.