A day in the garden

It's not often that I get a day to myself, with no demands, no obligations and no "must dos."  In fact, I can't actually remember the last time one of those days presented itself.  But it did today, and the timing couldn't have been more perfect. 

I spent most of the day outside.  I started with a long walk around my neighborhood with my dog, and when we returned, I found that the walls of my home couldn't contain my still-restless spirit.  So, with camera, and journal in hand, I went out again-seeking space, seeking breath, seeking peace.    

Initially, I was headed to my favorite canyon to hike, but I found myself drawn to Red Butte Garden, one of my favorite places in Salt Lake City.  Despite it being a much-loved place, I hadn't spent time there in a while, and after realizing how long it had been,  I changed my direction and went there instead. 

 The light was perfect, so I wandered the trails with camera in hand; enjoying the cool day, the sounds of the birds and the insects, and of course the flowers that, although they are beginning to fade with autumn's approach, are still staggeringly beautiful.

I walked the entire garden with my camera, waiting for the words I needed to surrender to the page.  After an hour of photographing the beauty I found all around,  I retreated to my favorite spot - the fragrance garden- and settled in to write.  I waited for few minutes, eyes closed until I felt the words on the edge of my breath, and then- I wrote. 

I wrote about feelings I hadn't known how to describe, and yet the words kept showing up.  I wrote about how I felt about my life, about what was going well and what needed to change.  I wrote about the joy I felt in where I'm at and how far I have come, and about the frustrations and questions I just can't quite get a lock on.  I wrote about the elation of watching my child learn to read and the lump I always get in my throat when she takes another big step towards independence.  I wrote about how blessed I am to be surrounded by wonderful and amazing friends and family and the loneliness that sometimes still sneaks up on me, catching me off guard.

 I wrote for well over an hour, my handwriting filling up pages and pages and pages and then, exhausted and emotionally drained, I simply sat there-silent-for almost another hour.

Tonight, as I was uploading the photos from today, I was struck by how much I needed today, how much we all need days like today.  I needed this time to myself, time away from the daily demands of life, work, motherhood, etc. to just reflect on where I am, how I am living, what I am giving, and what direction I need to be moving towards.  I'm not sure I am any closer to the answers, but I feel lighter and more peaceful after having handed over the burden of those words to the waiting pages. 

Found Elsewhere

Hey Ya'll: I'm blogging over at the "I Am Enough" Collaborative Today. Head on over and check it out!

Heading Out

I'm heading out in the morning for the Outer Banks of North Carolina to Squam by the Sea. I'm looking forward to sunshine, good friends, the ocean air and some amazing writing classes. Add to that some yoga, early morning walks on the beach, yummy food and lighthouses, and I'd call that a pretty amazing week!

These kinds of experiences are so important to my well-being, and I'm so grateful for the many people that help me out so I can do this. My rockstar Mom is in town to help with Riley (and make an 'Alice in Wonderland' costume for the Girl) and Riley's dad is helping me out, too. I have amazing neighbors who are taking care of my condo and my dog while I am away. A huge Thanks to everyone involved! I have some big favors to repay!

So I guess this is it until next week. See you on the flip.

And so I write.

The busy-ness of the past couple of weeks is catching up with me. My days have been filled with fun and friends and family, reliving old memories and creating new. Laughter, life, and love has filled me up, soothed raw edges and laid gentle hands on the tender places that still reside in my soul. Courage and comfort have been sought and found; fears have been spoken out loud, and then released. Soaking in the familiarity and easiness of those who know me best (and love me despite it) sustains me and the sweetness of little arms thrown around my neck in an unabashed display of love has given me everything I need to keep reaching to do better, to be better. For these times, and for these gifts, I am grateful.

But as I show up tonight to write, to worship at the page, a deep weariness has settled over me. The edges of emotions are blurring together, seeping into each other until I can't tell where one ends and the next begins...happiness, confusion, contentment, gratitude, trepidation, loneliness, fulfillment. All seemingly at war with each other, and yet all have taken up residence inside my head and my heart tonight.

I am tired.

It's time to rest. I know this. And yet it's hard to settle in, to settle down and to let my body and mind sink deeply into slumber when it seems like there is always so much to do, so much to see, so much to write, so much to say. So I let the tumble of words spill onto the page, looking for a pattern, waiting for the answer. Or, if not that much, at least identifying the question. I can usually find what I'm looking for, if I keep searching, keep sorting. Tonight I know rest won't come until I let all of this out.

And so I write.

*Monday Miscellany*

*I'm home with a sickie today, and so I'm taking advantage of her frequent naps to try to get some little organization projects done. So far, I've cleaned out my kitchen catch-all drawer (I hate the phrase 'junk drawer') and scrubbed down the cupboard that houses my cleaning supplies. I've also moved my computer out of my bedroom and into my living room. I'm hoping this will help out my sleep (or lack thereof). Next up, scrubbing out the refrigerator. Maybe the oven will get done if she sleeps this afternoon. When she's awake, she needs serious snuggle time.

*Riley is leaving on her first week-long vacation with her dad on Wednesday, and I am SO NERVOUS about it. I know she'll be fine; her Dad takes fantastic care of her and she'll live it up in her GG and PawPaw's pool. I'm nervous because it's the first time she's been gone from home for that long, it's usually me that travels for more than a few days at a time. Now that she's a bit older, I think this may happen more often, so I guess I better get used to it.

*I am surrounded by the cutest kids. Seriously. Look at this little guy. He's the son of my friend Steph and man, oh MAN, am I in love with him. The eyes. The dimples. Oh, be still, my heart.
*I'm going to Portland this weekend and I am so excited. I really need a little break and exploring a new city is one of my favorite pastimes. So looking forward to it.

*I need to buy some bookcases. Badly. My books are slowly overtaking my home.

*I have a few new writing pieces that I am going to submit for publication, and I really need to focus on getting these out the door. Why is it that editing and polishing are the parts that never quite get done.

*Moab weekend biking trip, anyone? I'm thinking at least one in September and one in October. I love me some Moab, especially in the fall.

Randomness

*My cell phone drowned this morning. Resuscitation efforts failed. I am trying to be upset by it, but my first thought was "YES! No one can bug me!", which is a pretty telling statement. I think it might be time to break the crackberry addiction and downgrade to a phone that allows me to talk and text. That's really all I need and being the idea of being "unplugged" is really appealing to me.

*I had my girls over last night for girl talk, pedicures, yummy food and some serious soul filling. It's amazing how, even after a late night, I feel more energetic, refreshed and whole afterward.

*My first triathlon of the season is less than two month away. I'm excited to be back in the swing of things, but am a little bit (ok, a whole lot) nervous. I really need to step up my training to be where I want to be. Brick training, anyone?

*I'm jonesing for a new mountain bike the same way I was jonesing for a roadie at this time last year. I'm not sure why, but the mountains are calling to me this spring. I'm pretty amped about doing some trail running in the next few days, too. The muddier, the better, in my opinion and i can't wait to get out.

*My daughter is, quite possibly, the cutest little person on the planet. I mean, seriously...how can you not agree? This is her 'school' photo from her daycare. I have it on my desk at work because it makes me grin whenever I see it.


*I need a california/see my sister trip. Soon.

*I haven't written a poem every day in March, but pretty close. I'm feeling ok with pretty close.

*I love spring.

*I also love cupcakes.

A year in review: 2009

2009 has been a year of growth for me. 2008 was a year of acceptance, a year of picking up the pieces of a broken heart and shattered dreams. 2009 has been about taking those pieces and putting them back together into a new version of myself, into a better, stronger, happier version of myself. There have been so many shining moments, so many of those times that just take my breath away with the wonder and goodness and joy they contain, that I can't find just one or two that define the whole year.

For me, 2009 was about:

*Embracing the ups and downs of motherhood, and adoring the little girl at the center of it.
*Meeting two little guys who grabbed my heart with their tiny, identical fists.
*Finding many new friendships and deepening relationships with old ones.
*Growing creatively, and finding the words to keep telling the stories that are mine to tell.
*Pushing myself to my limits physically, again and again and again, and realizing how fantastic that feels.
*Seeing my hard work make a difference and add to something bigger than myself.
*Reveling in the love and support my wonderful family gives to me and my girl.
*Celebrating important milestones with friends who are always there.
*Figuring out what i believe and what matters most to me.
*Finding the motivation to push harder and dig deeper.
*Cracking open and allowing the light in.
*Learning when to take some space.
*Realizing that I have everything I need.
*Opening myself up to new possibilities.
*Knowing that I am complete and whole.

As the final minutes of 2009 tick away, i find myself overwhelmingly grateful for the amazing life I live, for every single part of it. For the ups and the downs, the good and the bad, the challenging times and the times that glide by, I am grateful. They've all come together to form a complicated and dynamic rhythm, and I'm happily twirling around and dancing to that song into the next new year.

Happy New Year!

Finding the Words

Since I can remember, I have had words in my head. There have always been stories brewing, lines of poetry being composed, or characters tumbling and whirling through my mind, even as I go about my regular, typical day-to-day life. Stories and scenes play themselves out in my mind as I do the dishes, bathe my child, check off items on the never-ending to-do list. The words keep me company as I ride my bike, follow the black line on the bottom of the pool, or run another mile. The world keeps turning and I keep writing in my head. I assumed everyone did this.

I told someone about this once, several years ago, and he just looked at me with an expression of horror. I’m certain that his clinical mind had just diagnosed me with all kinds of psychological ailments. He didn’t understand. Now that I am coming into my own, finding my tribe, I can say to my like-minded friends “last night I dreamed in paintings” or “the words are marching around my mind” and they accept this as a normal part of life. Words and pictures invade their mindspace, too. And because they do, they understand the burning need I feel to get them down on paper, so they are no longer inside of me, demanding a place to be expressed, demanding a venue to be heard.

It’s only lately that I have realized that my ability to write well is a gift-a talent that is uniquely mine. Only I can string the words together to form the story I need to tell, the truth I need to speak. It’s a god-given blessing that I am responsible for: to create, to inform, to make the world better. It’s a way I can leave my mark, a way I can be remembered, a way I can be heard. I believe everyone needs this, and I’m grateful to have found my path while it can still be developed and honed, while I can enjoy it and use it to help others understand me and my place in this world. I'm especially grateful that my words can help her understand her mother more fully. That she can, someday, read why i made some of the choices I did and why our lives are as they are. It's tough to tell a two year old the story of your soul, but one day, she'll need to know it. I can give that to her. Beyond that, I'm happy to have one more place to record my dreams for her, my wishes for her, and how much I love her.

These days, the words are coming to me more fluidly than they ever have. I have learned to keep the words, to hold them gently but firmly, until pen can meet paper and I can capture them permanently. I still have the occasions of writers block, but I’m learning how to coax myself through those. I’m grateful for this. I’m grateful for a life that lends itself to a few stolen moments to write, even though it never feels like enough. I’m grateful for my tribe of creative, authentic people who inspire me to keep writing, because I have a story that needs to be told and truths that need to be heard. And I'm grateful to have enough insight into myself, enough pride in my own story, and enough confidence in my abilities to believe it.