Sitting with uncertainty

I'm usually a very decisive person. I figure out what I want, I plan how I'm going to get it, and there you go. Game on. And I have to say, 99% of the time...when I decide what I want, I get it. It just takes me defining what it is, specifically, that I want.

This has not necessarily been the case for me lately. I'm in a state of flux in several areas of my life, and have been for a while. I'm ok to live with uncertainty for a period of time. I understand that it's necessary and it's an important step in defining what I really want, but I'm getting kind of tired of it. I flounder back and forth on the ideas of moving, of changing careers, of going back to school, of serious relationships, of buying a different place, of religious beliefs. None of these are small questions in the grand scheme of things, but I am getting so frustrated with having them bounce around in my head endlessly. I need to decide what I want.

So I'm putting it out to my blog readers, to my friends, to my family, to the Universe. What do you do when you don't know what you want? How do you figure it out? How do you sit with the uncertainty when you don't have the answers? How do you find the patience to wait for them to come?

better late than never...

It's been a while since I posted a "gratitude Friday" post, and although it's Sunday, i didn't want to miss this week. I have a lot going on, and a lot to be thankful for. It's time to put it out there.

*I'm SO grateful for my health. I feel healthier and happier and stronger now than I ever have in my life. I am able to live in a way that allows me to prioritize taking good care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. My health allows me to live my life fully and take good care of my daughter and be a good friend, sister and daughter. I am biking a lot and running and even learning to be a better swimmer. I've set some pretty major goals for myself physically, and i'm seeing them come to fruition. It's a great part of my life and I am glad I can be that kind of a role model for my kiddo.

*I truly have the best girlfriends in the world. My "tribe" has grown exponentially over the past year and a half and I couldn't be more grateful for the wonderful women who are part of my life. Old, dear friends who have known me forever (even during the period of giant hair), new friends who have added so much joy to my existence, just by being them, my sister, my sisters-in-law, my aunts, my mom....so many wonderful women surround me, support me, and inspire me. I am truly blessed.

*And, to be fair, I have a BUNCH of amazing men in my life, too. My brothers and brother in law are simply the most amazing men out there. They are great husbands and fathers who work hard to provide for their family. They are honest, good hearted men who have helped me and my daughter so much and have stood by us in really rough times. Of course, they learned from the best- My dad, my step-dad, my grandfathers. I also have a cadre of fabulous male friends (i'm not talking "boyfriends" here) who are so much fun, who help me grow, who know how to listen and communicate, who remind me that there are good men out there. N0 wonder i am single right now...the guys i'm dating have HIGH standards to live up to!

*I am so grateful for my job. I have been struggling a bit lately at work, but the challenges make me realize how much I love my job and how much I am willing to give to be happy with what I do. I work with amazing people who are passionate about their work. I have so many opportunities for personal and professional growth. So many people toil day in and day out at a job they detest. I am very, very lucky to have a job I enjoy.

As always, the list could go on and on. I have much to be grateful for, much to enjoy and much to hold close. I am truly blessed.

Happy Easter!

Riley celebrated in the most traditional of methods...


by sticking five mini M&Ms up her nose.

Through the rear-view

~to be kinder
~to grow wiser
~to be stronger
~to push harder
~to do better
~to dig deeper
~to be braver
~to work harder
~to love bigger
~to be honest
~to be more joyful
~to live more fully

There is no greater motivation for me to live the life I want to live, to be the person I want to be, than the face reflected in my rear-view mirror.

Oh how I love my girl.

Go Big or Go Home!

I recently returned from the last in a series of leadership retreats I was selected to attend for work. Although the lectures and workshops were specifically geared to increasing leadership potential for those in Public Health, I have found that the various topics addressed (negotiation, communication, management, problem solving, etc.) have been very helpful in many aspects in my life. These retreats were thought provoking and very reflective, and were held in beautiful surroundings (Daniels Summit, Lake Tahoe and Zion's Nat'l Park) with amazing, diverse, dedicated people. I am truly grateful I was selected to go. I know the experience has helped me grow into a better leader, supervisor, parent and friend.

The last day of presentation was dedicated to the idea of cultivating creativity. This is especially relevent to me, as I am trying to do that on a daily basis in my life personally. The whole day was about thinking outside the box, asking the big questions, living your passion, releasing judgement, not being afraid of making mistakes, embracing change, changing perspectives until you find the right vision, being prepared when the big opportunities appear. I found it a very inspiring way to end the retreat, and then I had a 5 hour drive home to really play with the ideas in my mind. What am I doing that is habit and not passion? Am I spending my time where I want to, or am I trapped in patterns of thought and action that are not necessarily serving me? Am I taking risks, even though i might not succeed (this is a big challenge for me)? What questions am I not asking because I might be afraid of the answers? Am I surrounding myself with people who push me to work harder, do more, be more? Am I settling?

A lot going through my mind, as you can see....

I'm still mulling it over. I have made a conscious effort since Riley came into my life to do the things that scare me, to tell the truth no matter what, to expose her to different ideas and thoughts, and not to judge others who might choose a different path than I might. There are times I feel like a completely different person than I was two years ago, and I LIKE THAT! I like that i've pushed myself, that I've tried new things, that I've made new friends, that I've gone outside of my comfort zone a lot. I want Riley to have that kind of role model in her mom. I want her to know it's ok to make mistakes, it's fine to let people choose their own way, and that when we fall down, we get right back up and try again.

So, how do we do this? How do we make sure we are living life to the fullest? How do we keep on putting ourselves out there, again and again, at the risk of falling flat on our face? And how do we teach our little ones to do this too, when we so badly want to protect them from getting hurt?

The words that kept repeating in my head yesterday as I pondered this was "Go Big or Go Home!" These words apply to so many things I'm working on....writing, art, parenting, biking, running, swimming. They are so relevant to how I am trying to live my life now.

So I guess that's my new mantra for a while...I'm going to Go Big! Because i sure as hell ain't ready to go home.

Clarification of last post

I have gotten at least 7 emails from people wondering if I'm dating anyone, engaged, married, getting married, moving, or possibly pregnant.

Let me clarify:

dating anyone - yes, several different people casually. No one serious.
engaged - no.
married - hell to the no!
getting married - see above answer.
moving - considering it, but not anytime in the near future.
pregnant - um, very much NO!

This was a general good feeling of excitement about new possibilities I am pursuing and goals I am working towards. Not everything is about men and kids, people.

But Love You All for your concern. :)