What She Said

Her pink "buggie" hat she made herself.

Riley has been saying some very funny, very articulate things lately. She uses such big words for an almost three year old, and she uses them correctly. "Complicated", "dangerous" and "situation" are just a few that come to mind right off. I am trying to stay in the habit of writing the really fun ones down so they are remembered and shared. Just a few of them...

**We were in the grocery store and Riley rounded a corner, encountering a slippery floor. She went down, and the group of firemen who happened to be right there fussed over her, trying to help her up. She pushed them away, pulled herself up, brushed herself off, leveled them a lethal look, and said to these men "so not the drama" while flouncing off, determined to put this little embarrassment behind her. I could hear them laughing about it several aisles away.

**We were driving home a few evenings ago and I was giving her the standard "when we get home, I want you to brush your teeth and change into your PJ's" talk. She started arguing and I argued right back. Instead of crying or whining, she put her head in her hands dejectedly and said "I'm freaking out! I'm just FREAKING OUT!"

**I overheard her talking to "Lydia" (her imaginary friend) and apparently Lydia was not going along with Riley's plans. Riley told her, very succinctly, "my way or the highway, girlie". I guess Lydia fell in line after that. I didn't hear any more out of either of them.

**We left Baby Nuggets at Grandma Nita's, so Grandma had to mail her back. (Can't be without Baby Nuggets for too long, after all). When I told Riley that Grandma sent Baby Nuggets back, she was happy but was more concerned that Grandma didn't come with her. I told her Grandma had stuff to do at home. She replied, disgustedly, "I always knew my Grandma Nita was lazy." For the record, my Mom is anything but lazy, but now we call her Lazy Nita around here.

*She asked me where her Dad was, and I told her he was probably sleeping. She said "But it's wake-up time. He's not sleeping." I said that he worked all night so he was tired and she informed me that her Daddy was not tired, he was "a bundle of joy." Again, not sure where she came by this information, but I can attest that her Dad is NOT a bundle of joy when he's tired.

She's such a funny kid. I wish I could record everything that comes out of her mouth.

Home Sweet Home (an open letter to the Universe)

Dear Universe,

I'm sure by now you've seen the "for sale" sign out in front of my condo. You've probably gathered that it's time for me to move on, to find a new place to live after calling this place home for almost 9 years.

I have loved this home, loved it entirely. Within these walls, I've grown so firmly into myself. Here is where I held the idea of a "normal" home and family close, here is where that dream was shattered, and here is where a new dream, a better one, took roots and flourished. It's where I learned to forgive, to let go, and to move on. Here is where I became a mother, where I walked the halls with a screaming baby, sobbing because I didn't know what to do to make her stop and because I felt so helpless and alone. Here is where, only a few months later, I laughed and clapped as I watched her take her first steps down the same corridor. I've watched many sunrises out my bedroom window, some seen after getting up early to start another day and others viewed as I finally laid down to rest, tired from staying up all night reading, writing, soothing, talking, crying, laughing. This home has been a sanctuary, not just for me, but for others who have needed it's comfort and security and a refuge for friends to gather. Within these walls, I've been hurt, been built up, fallen out of love, fallen into it again, shaped my own future and began teaching my daughter how to shape hers. This is where my greatest fears were faced down, my bloodiest battles fought, and my sweetest victories realized. Yes, I have loved living here. And now it's time for someone new to occupy this little corner of the world.

It's time for me to move on, to a new space that will let me continue to stretch and grow, that will give Riley the space she needs to learn and grow. I'm busy looking, Universe, I'm doing the work, but I'd really appreciate your assistance in finding the right place. What I'm looking for is a safe, convenient location, preferably within Salt Lake City proper. I need at least 3 bedrooms, preferably 4, and at least 2 full bathrooms. I want plenty of living space and a decent sized kitchen. I'm leaning towards a townhouse with minimal maintenance, but I still need a small yard and patio area. I need a garage (it's Utah, after all) with room for my jeep and my bikes and my paddleboard (and room for the 'cross bike I'm going to buy this fall adn the kayak I need to get next spring). I'd really like plenty of light and big windows, and a view of the amazing mountains wouldn't hurt. Friendly neighborhoods with kids are a plus and a HOA with a swimming pool gets big points.

So what do you think, Universe? Can you help the right person find my condo and help me find the right home? I'm certain it's out there, and as noted above, I've been looking. Still, sooner is better than later and I'm ready and waiting (and pre-approved!) So let's get on the ball and find my new house. mmmmmkay?

As always, I'm so appreciative of the many good things you've steered my way. I know this is another one of them, so let's get a move on.

Sincerely yours,
Amy

I got nothing.

Really.

Nothing.

I keep trying to compose my jumble of thoughts and ideas into a post that adequately wraps up all that is going on in my head and my life and my heart right now, but...

I got nothing.

So how about you? What's making you happy today? What moment over the weekend was your favorite? Share with me, please.

**Edited to add: on re-reading this post, I realized it sounds a little bit whiny. It's not that things are bad or particularly difficult right now. Rather, there is so much going on in the business of living that I can't quite wrap my head around it, much less write about it in any consumable fashion.

Superhero

This exchange came out of nowhere this morning...

"Mama, you are STRONG!"

"It's because I exercise and eat food that's good for me."

"Mama, are you healthy?"

"Yes, Riley, I am healthy."

"Mama, you are so pretty!"

"Thanks, baby. I think you are so pretty!"

"Mama, do you love me sooo much?"

"Yes, Riley, I love you so so so soooooo much!"

"Mama, I know what you are!" *Excited clapping*

"Really? What am I?"

"You're a superhero! You're MY superhero!"

*tears and smiles all around*

**Randomness**

**While I do not love the normal holidays (I think New Years, Christmas, etc. are WAY overrated) I do love me a summer holiday weekend that involves no stress and an extra day off of work. This weekend is the long Pioneer Day Holiday here in Utah, and I am celebrating by doing a whole lot of nothing. Today, I slept in (for me), went for an awesome bike ride, took a nap, took a drive, read a book, and watched "Sleeping Beauty" and "Alice in Wonderland". Tomorrow is more of the same, although I promised the girl we'd make cupcakes. She's very into cupcakes these days, as you can see in the above photo.

**My condo is back on the market. I've spent a lot of time going through everything, getting rid of stuff I don't need or want and really paring down to what I need and love. Consequently, it's much easier to keep in "ready to show" shape. I've been wanting to move for a while now, I'm still feeling like it's time for new digs, and the housing market seems to agree with me. Everyone send me good house selling and buying energy - please and thank you. :)

**I have a whole bunch of fun stuff coming up in the next few weeks- a trip to Portland, a weekend in Bear Lake with old friends, tickets to the Lion King, a triathlon or two, and househunting (which I have always hated before but am having so much fun with now). It's also an intense couple of weeks, work-wise, which I actually enjoy. Life is moving at a fairly quick pace these days, and I'm content to twirl around in the chaos and enjoy myself madly.

**I know that money doesn't grow on trees, but apparently, in Riley's world, it grows in flowerpots. I noticed the other day that she planted nickels and dimes in all our little flower pots. I still haven't gotten rid of the coins because it makes me smile to see evidence of how her mind functions. Too bad her plan won't work.

**I'm trying to pare down bedtime from the two hour ordeal it is now. Any suggestions?

**My friend Jenica had the most awesome pair of jeans on last night, which has made me start jonesing for fall clothes and fall weather. I'm not a clotheshorse at all, not even a little bit, but man, I love jeans that fit perfectly and the weather that lets you wear them comfortably. Good stuff.

**I've been adding in some yoga to my workouts, and I am really noticing the benefits. I enjoy it much more when I practice in a studio rather than at home, and fitting their schedule into mine isn't always easy, but I am trying to make it a priority.

**Riley's favorite treat lately is corn-nuts. Yep, corn-nuts. Isn't that odd?

**I'm trying to find effective 'green' household cleaner recipes. If you know of any, will you please share?

Really good things

I've got some really good things going on around here. Thought I'd share....

**Another successful week in potty training. She's so proud of herself, and I'm so happy to see her reach this milestone. Life is one step simpler.

**A lunch date with a friend who just gets me. When I left, I felt lightened and heard and understood (and I think she felt the same). Thanks, afm.

**Managed to fit in a couple of runs, 2 swim workouts, a brick swim/bike workout, a couple of bike rides, and a little bit of yoga into a very full week. My training is feeling balanced again, and that feels really, really good.

**An opportunity to explore Portland came up, somewhat unexpectedly, and I jumped on it. I'm excited to satisfy a little bit of personal and professional curiosity and check out a city I don't know. And thanks to the generosity of a couple of great friends, I have a place to stay. Thanks, La Familia Staley. You guys rock - TO THE MAX!!

**A very late night/very early morning phone call from Eastern Europe that had me laughing, crying, and missing a good friend very much. Love you, NR. You better show up in Utah soon.

**My sister, who knows just what I need to hear, often before I know it, and who makes sure the right words are texted, said over the phone, or in my email inbox.

**Riley has been asking to go 'camping' and I was a bit hesitant to trek her out to the forest by myself, set up a tent, and indulge her. That just seemed like a recipe for disaster. Luckily, my Dad offered his camper, so this holiday weekend, we're 'roughing it' in his driveway. It will be so much fun for her and me!

**My friend's baby is home and doing well (she was born at 34 weeks and needed several days in the NICU), and my new niece is here and happy and healthy. I am so grateful for these new little ones in my life. Just thinking about them makes me smile.

There is so much to be happy about, so many things to be grateful for...Truly, I am b.l.e.s.s.e.d.

25 things I know as a parent

A few weeks ago - probably one of the last time she'll fall asleep in my arms. So glad my camera was close.

This post was inspired by Jen Lemen's post at PBS Supersisters. Although I consider being Riley's mom my most important job, it's also the one that I find to be the most difficult. It was really empowering to write down the things i have learned in (almost) three short years.

1. The laundry and the dishes and the vacuuming will still be there when I am done playing with my girl. I won't be her first choice of a playmate forever.
2. My number one job is to teach my daughter how to think for herself and how to be compassionate and tolerant. If I can send her into the world with these tools, I have done my job.
3. I can talk until my face turns blue, and she may not hear a word I said. But she will follow my example. I have born witness to this time and time again.
4. Being present with my child is the most important gift I can give her.
5. Magic Eraser sponges clean off almost everything. Baby wipes are a close second.
6. Lipstick and perfume are important parts of any day - even when there is nothing special happening.
7. Routine and schedules are very good for her, and very good for me.
8. Having said that, it's ok to let go every so often and play, play, play.
9. Teaching her to "get up, shake it off" when she falls sure makes life easier.
10. Kids will treat others the way they see their parent's treat others.
11. Children need a say in their lives - they need to be the boss of something, even if it's just what they eat for breakfast.
12. It's not selfish to take care of yourself - it's necessary.
13. If you slip up and say that "not so nice" word, it will be the first thing they repeat at church.
14. Experiences are more important than "stuff".
15. A good tickle-fest is a great stress reliever for both child and mama (Thanks for this one, Jenica.)
16. Even if the only thing your two year old will eat for months on end is chicken and potatoes, they will, in fact, turn out ok.
17. I do not have to apologize for being a 'working' mother (what a stupid phrase - every mother i know works her a$ off). We are both happier because I do.
18. Sometimes, she will need a parent, not a friend.
19. Sometimes, she will need a friend, not a parent.
20. No matter how much you hate and abhor bathroom humor, your almost-three-year-old will love and adore it, and indulge in it every chance she gets.
21. She will always get hungry after she is in bed. Always.
22. I don't care what the books say, bribery can be an effective method of behavior change.
23. Sometimes, "I love you, Baby" is all she needs to hear.
24. Sometimes, "I love you, Mama" is all I need to hear.
25. I can trust my judgment when it comes to knowing what is best for my child, even if that decision flies in the face of everyone else's opinions.

July 12of12

1. Unfortunately, this was breakfast. Some days are like that.
2. Self-portraits before work. Riley wanted in on the action.
3. I'm growing herbs on my windowsill. This container has basil, chives and parsley.
4. I had a whole bunch of grocery shopping to do.
5. These were Riley's two options for footwear. Luckily, I talked her out of the flippers and into the pink crocs.
6. View from my work chair at about 2:00 pm. It's a glamorous life I lead.
7. I worked on my bike a bit - cleaned it up, cleaned and lubed the chain, tightened a few things.
8. Dinner was a veggie-egg white scramble (with avocados - yum), peaches, and whole-grain toast.
9. Getting ready to start my run/swim workout. Not a great picture, but you get the idea.
10. Riley wore these glasses all evening. I have no idea why.
11. It was a magazine kind of day. I spent some time in all four of these.
12. Just more evidence that I'm a dork, and my girl is, too.

All in all, a great weekend.

My newest niece, Karlee Ann, made her debut on Friday afternoon (Yes, she's gorgeous and I'm madly in love with her). Riley and I spent the weekend in Idaho, helping out with the other girls, soaking in some quality family time, and enjoying the simple things with my sweet, silly, sassy, super-cute nieces.



There was some sprinkler running (wearing her "boo-tini")

And some s'more making.


And some porch sitting.

And some MAJOR giggling.

And lots of dancing.

And a little bit of grass rolling.

And a bit of piano playing.
It all added up to a whole lot of good times.

The Middle Space

Although I've been quiet on this topic until now, I've decided that it's time to write about what's happening in my personal life. I've received so many emails, so much heartfelt concern and love, and I am so appreciative of the warmth and kindness that has been extended to me. Many people have reached out to see how I am, and your words have meant so much. You can't know how much it fills me to have others take time to reach out when I am struggling. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I guess the easiest way to say this is just to say it. I'm no longer planning on getting married. Because the story doesn't belong solely to me, and because I'm still working my way through the many dynamics and complexities, I won't go into the details here. Instead, I will say that this is one of the hardest decision I've ever had to make, but I know it's the best thing for me right now. I will also say that I harbor no ill will or hard feelings. Truthfully, the man I had planned to share my life with is one of the most lovely and enjoyable men i have ever had the privilege to know. I wish him every happiness and hope that you all will send light and love his way, as you have mine.

I've found that when plans change drastically, when you set aside one set of dreams, there is always a bit of a lag time before you pick up the next set and start back on your way. This is the place where you shift from making plans for and with another and making them for and with only yourself, the place where you decide which parts of your life look great and which parts could use some polishing. It's the place where you paint your walls just because you are craving a change of scenery, where you write letters no one will ever read, where you bake bread in the middle of the night to make the long hours pass productively, and where you manage the storm of emotions that sneak up on you and catch you unaware. It's the place where you begin to seek health and balance and clarity and it's the place where, one day, you finally will find the space to breathe and hope and wish again. This place - it's simply the middle space.

Right now, I am thoroughly engulfed in the middle space.

Henry David Thoreau famously said: "Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each." I'm trying to remember this principle in relation to living in the middle space. It's in my nature to want to hurry things along, to get to the next milestone or reach the next goal, to push through regardless of pain or fatique. And while this tendency serves me well in some areas of my life, I know that being patient with my progress through the middle space is important. I've been here before, and each time I have found that taking my time, and taking advantage of the opportunities for reflection and revision, sets me up for graduating as a healthier, happier person with a clearer vision of where I am going and how I want my life to look. I'm trying to be gentle with myself, embrace the lessons as they come, and enjoy this gift of space and the freedom to do things differently and grow more fully into myself. I'm learning to enjoy the middle space.

Jumping in here....

Riley practicing her "two foot jump"
Since Riley was born, I have kept a blog about her, so people who weren't interested in reading about me could still see photos of her and watch her grow up. Well, it turns out that almost everyone who reads her blog also reads this blog. Didn't expect that...

In the interest of simplifying my world a little bit, and because telling my story without her is incomplete, I am combining the two in this space. My regular readers will start to see a bit more of my little girl, but I don't think anyone will complain. She's pretty darn spectacular.

I'm leaving her blog up so the archives are available. You can see them here.

Where I am

I've been spending quite a bit of time over the last little while really considering where I am at and where I want to be. There are so many things I enjoy about my life, so much that I truly love, and the impulse is to just keep to the status quo and not change anything for fear of taking a step backwards or gambling on something that proves not to be worth the risk. Still, I know that growth demands change and movement, and stagnation breeds discontent (for me, at least), so I'm thinking that it's time to make some changes and put myself in the position to stretch and grow.

The questions is...what do I want to change? What makes the most sense and feels the best at this stage of the game?

I've been taking inventory of what kind of changes might be a good thing for me and for Riley. Changing jobs? New house? Moving to a different city, which would mean changing jobs and buying a new house? New people in my life? Different relationships with the old? Go back to school and finish my PhD? So much to consider and so many options, all with their own pros and cons.

When I get in this type of self-reflective mode, I have a specific journal I write in, where I've recorded these types of feelings as they've come up, and how they sorted themselves out. It's also where I keep things that help me to begin this process and delve a bit deeper into the core of authenticity that can be difficult to access at times.

I'm not ready to share much from that journal online yet, but there is one poem I come back to frequently. It speaks to me on several levels and has given me courage and strength through some really hard times. I thought that tonight, I'd share it here in case any of my readers need this kind of literary inspiration. It's a fairly well-known poem, and I may have posted it years ago, but it's one of my favorites and it's really ringing true for me tonight.

The Journey
by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice–
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do–
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Gratitude Friday

Today, I am simply grateful that yesterday is over and that I woke up this morning with a different perspective, a renewed faith in the choices I am making, and vision that is no longer clouded by disappointment.

I am also grateful for these photostrips on my email and for the girlfriend who sent them to me.

Disappointments

Does this sound familiar?

Things are going along, mostly ok, but then you have a rough day or two. And instead of dealing with the lingering emotions of those days, you push them down, pile a few other things on top of them to keep the old emotions in place, and keep going on. But then, a few problems crop up with the new things that you piled on to distract you from the old things, and instead of all of them solving themselves and magically disappearing (like you really hoped they would), they all start to flare up at once. Which you should have expected but you didn't think it would really happen. So you ignore it, or re-name it so you don't have to acknowledge it and you keep plugging along. Because you are a survivor, after all. You do what it takes to keep moving ahead. You are strong. Never stop. Never admit that you wish you had done something differently. You find a shiny new project to keep you busy, or challenge yourself to do something you didn't think you could do, but no matter what, you keep moving.

Because as long as you are moving, the disappointment can't catch up with you.

And sometimes you wish you could just stop.
And stay still.
And wait for the answers to come.
And wait for the wounds to heal.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm dealing with some really big disappointments right now, and I'm really trying to be honest about them, to feel them completely so I can resolve them completely. I'm doing my best to stay present and am fighting the battle against finding something to distract myself, because I know that being honest and present is the only way to move forward, to let go, and to move on.

So for now, for today, I am steeped in disappointments.

**edited to add: at 11:15 tonight, i found out the Lillith Fair concert i was so excited about has been canceled. It seems only fitting that this happened today, and I'm sort of glad it did, because I am determined to have a better day tomorrow and this just caps off today PERFECTLY.