On Time (Or, Riley's first day of first grade)

Lately, I've been thinking about Time.* 

I have been thinking about when Riley was a newborn, and how I dreaded the nights- those lonely and seemingly endless nights-because they felt like Time had stopped dead somewhere between dusk and dawn.  I remember how each audible tick of the clock echoed in my ears, making a mockery of my footsteps while I paced the floors with an fussy baby who quite simply refused to sleep. Time was a slippery vixen then.  There never seemed to be enough to meet the needs of single, working motherhood, but then at night - then, there was simply too much. 

I have been wondering if I did this to myself.  Did I force Time's hand?  When Riley started smiling, I couldn't wait to hear her laugh.  When she was crawling, I was anxiously awaiting her first steps.  It seems I was always waiting for the next milestone, for the next big thing.  The first time she lost a tooth, the first time she wrote her own name.  Now, I can't help wondering if I pushed Time too much then, demanding it speed up and race at the pace I was setting,  and the punishment I'm facing now is that it has. 

Time continues to be something of a thief and a bully.  It continues to steal moments from me, continues to elude me, continues to take what's mine.  I feel as if I can't win here, there just is simply never enough time, so I am continually reminding myself to make the moments I do have with my child matter.
 

Make them count. 

   

This past week, the Girl started first grade.  Her preschool and kindergarten experiences were both tied to her daycare, so while they were school, they weren't really "school."  There were no bells or assigned seats, and there were only ten or twelve kids in her class.   Now there are school handbooks and tardy bells and principal's offices.  School now- it's the real deal.  

The night before school started, we washed and brushed her hair, picked out clothes and packed her backpack with the requisite forms and snacks.  She went to bed, nervous and excited and chattering a mile a minute, then finally settling into a restless sleep.

I sat down in the hallway outside her room and cried.

How is it possible that I have an almost-six-year old? Where did the Time go?  Did I use it well, or did I squander this precious, precious commodity.  Have I given her what she needs so she can confidently navigate this next stage of her life?  Will she find the bus to her afterschool program ok?  Will the other kids be nice to her?  Will she make friends? Who will help her figure out how to access her lunch money account?  Will she feel empowered to learn and grow, or will she slip into the timid mode that is her fall-back when she's overwhelmed?  For quite a while, I sat just outside her bedroom, listening to her talk in her sleep, and these questions filled my entire heart with a heavy, heavy weight. 

 For so long, I have felt as if I had to speed up time, had to keep moving, and now that the reality of it's passage was staring me in the face, I could only beg Time to show a little mercy.  Please, please, let me keep my baby little, just for a bit longer.  

The next day dawned bright and sunny, and the Girl dawned bright and sunny, as well.  She ate breakfast, got dressed and allowed me to take a few pictures, and when the Time was right, we headed up the hill.  She was nervous and hung back near me, and when the bell rang, she hung on to me and cried a bit.  I could tell she was overwhelmed by the noise and the sheer mass of kids, and truth be told, I was too.  Still, after a bit of coaxing from her sweet new teacher, she finally went into her classroom and continued on to a fun and successful first day at school.

 And I sat in my jeep outside of work and cried.

I cried the next day after dropping her off, and the following day, too and while I'm certain my co-workers now think I'm an emotional nutjob, I have come out of this week having learned an important lesson.  

In the battle of Amy vs Time, there is only ever going to be one winner.  I will never find enough Time, and even if Time rolled over and surrendered to my wishes to keep my baby little, it still wouldn't be enough for me to take in all the laughter, tears, and tiny little moments that make up the everyday.  There is simply not enough.  There are competing demands, and I'm not going to get what I want here.

What  I can do is this:  spend what time I do have with my first grader fully immersed in the present moment.  Notice the way her eyes light up when she thinks she's outsmarted me, and how her freckles are deepening against her milky, pale skin.  Pay attention to the words she speaks in her husky, smokers-lounge voice and engage completely when she tells me her secrets and dreams.  Be willing to put down the to-do list in order to snuggle with her when she asks and put aside the laundry or dishes to play with her when she wants me to be her playmate.  It's not enough, but it's what I have.  It's all I have. 

I want to be fully and completely engaged in these moments of motherhood, and not spend more of tomorrow's Time wondering where they went.



*I capitalized Time in this post because it feels big, it feels like a main character.  No need to email me and tell me it's incorrect.
**Thanks, Frister, for finding my words so I could repost them again.  You're the bestest. 

She's a big kid now.

Riley started kindergarten right after labor day, which brought a lot of changes- new school, new friends, new teachers, new schedule.  It's fun to see how much she has blossomed in this new environment - they hit the books running.  She's already learned a bunch of sight words and loves to flip through whatever I'm reading and look for words she knows:  the, at, are, one, two, three, four.  She was already getting the basic idea of reading, but to learn real words in real books - it's pretty exciting for her. 

First morning- she was so excited, she would NOT stand still and let me get a good shot.  So, instead, we have this goofy one.  Which is just about perfect, after all. 

The school she is at has a dance company that comes into the school and teaches lessons, so we signed her up for ballet and tap.  So far, so good.  She loves it, looks forward to it and can't wait to show me her 'moves' afterwards.  I appreciate that she gets to participate in extracurriculars, without me having to figure out how to get her to and from them.  It's been really pretty great, so far.  And I say that very reluctantly, because her tap shoes should arrive early this week.  Heaven help us. 

Even though she loves Kindergarten, she's had a few teary-eyed episodes of missing her former teachers at her old school.  I understand- I miss them too!  They were such a big part of our everyday and so important to both of our well-being.  It bittersweet- watching her grow up, and knowing that one of the lessons she has to learn is how to move on.

First day of school - after school at pick-up.

So, yep...we're a family with a school aged child now.  Homework, school lunches, permission slips and backpacks - they are all part of our daily routine,  a routine we are beginning to relax into. 

I'm continually amazed me that we've been on this journey together for five years already - that my Girl is a Kindergartner!   Time really does fly.

And oh, how I love this girl.

"To sleep, perchance to dream"

I'm letting Riley sleep in a bit today, because the last few days have seen her up until somewhere between 11:30 pm and 1 am. She just can't seem to get the hang of falling asleep. I'm not quite sure what to do about it. I've tried keeping her on a schedule (doesn't seem to make a difference), trying to take away naps (not really under my control when she is at daycare), giving her melatonin (worked for about a week, then nope), tried to really wear her out so she's exhausted come bedtime (just results in a grouchy, still-not-asleep Riley). I feel so bad for her because her little body needs to rest. I'm now open to suggestions. Anyone? Anyone?

Part of this feels like my fault because she tells me that she wants to go to sleep but her brain keeps telling her to think about things. I so know how this feels. Poor little one, she inherited my overactive mind.

Goodbye, July

Where did July go? It seems like a few days ago that we were celebrating Independence day, and out of nowhere, it's August 1st and I'm getting 'back to school sale' flyers in the mail!?!

Not sure how this happened.

Anyway, I thought I'd share a few random photos from July that make me smile.
The last two are Riley's iPhoneography. I love her Self Portrait (she's beautiful, no?)
She described the last photo as "How you look when you drive, Mama." It's fun to see how she sees me. I love it.

Happy August!

How her mind works

(Memory Grove, July 2011)

"What are you thinking about, Riley?"

"Just about life....and maybe getting a coke."

I love how her mind, at any moment, can encompass both the deep and the daily.

A Zumba sort of Zen

Have I mentioned that Miss Yaya and I have been listening to a lot of latin music lately? The obsession started when we saw Rio, and has morphed into a Zumba Pandora station that is on constant play around here. The rhythms are so fun and upbeat, it's almost impossible not to get some spicy hip action going on.
I guess Riley thought the Zen Frog needed to get in on the Latin vibe. This is how I found him today.

Summer Solstice Wishes

Riley in her favorite "Gypsy" outfit

Riley and I were driving home from swimming lessons today, when the topic of wishes came up. I had told her that today was the first day of Summer, that it was called the Summer Solstice and that I had always heard that it was the best day of the year to make wishes. She asked me what I wished for, more than anything else.

I told her that I wished that she'd always know how loved she was, that she'd always be full of imagination and brightness and creativity, that her life would be one she would be excited about and proud to live. I wished that her determination and stubbornness would be great strengths for her, and allow her to get what she really wanted out of her life. I continued on, saying I wished that I'd be able to teach her by my example to be kind and generous to others, to be loving and open to everyone, and be strong and steadfast in her values and beliefs. I wished that she'd know how important honesty and integrity were, and understand that people and relationships are always more valuable than money or objects. I wished that she'd desire a good education, and someday that she'd have the opportunity to make her mark on this world in whatever way was right for her. Finally, I told her that I wished that I'd always be the best mother I could be for her and that while I wish and hope that our family will grow to include others, that we'll be a happy and loving family always, regardless.

I was blinking back tears when I finished my little diatribe on my wishes, a bit overcome with how strongly I felt about all of these wishes and overwhelmed with the love I felt for her and the gratitude I felt for our lives right in that moment.

I asked her what she wished for most of all, and her blue eyes met my brown eyes in the rear-view mirror. She looked a little baffled about my lengthy answer to what she clearly thought was a simple question.

"Um....I just wish for GummyBears...but yours is good too."

Well....ok then.


*Whether they are deep and complex, or simple and sweet, may all your Summer Solstice wishes come true*

52 photos project *Ray of Light*

Although I was very excited for this week's prompt "Ray of Light", the rainy and gray weather did not cooperate with my photographic plans. Instead, I dipped into my archives for one of my favorites. This photo was taken last June, on the summer solstice. This was one of those rare perfect evenings for me, one that I'll remember forever...a walk with my girl, dreamy summer evening light, making wishes on dandelion seeds. I had just made a very difficult decision and was gathering the courage to put it into action. Watching my daughter blow on 'wishflowers', knowing I had everything I needed, gave me the push to get moving and make some changes. Now, almost a year later, I know that decision was absolutely the best one I could have made.

This girl...she is truly my 'Ray of Light'.

In good hands (Gratitude Friday)

This is why I was able to really relax and enjoy my vacation. I knew I had left my girl in the best hands possible.

So grateful for my sister, her husband and the twinners. We love them so much.

Riley-isms

This girl....She keeps me on my toes.
A few nights ago, I heard Riley tossing and turning in her bed for more than an hour, muttering to herself that she "just didn't know", and "just couldn't remember".
Finally, I went in and asked if there was something on her mind.
She turned on her side, looked at me very seriously, and said "Mama, I just can't remember."
"Can't remember what?" I asked, trying to figure out what could be so important that it was keeping her from falling asleep.
"I just can't remember...what it was that Peter Piper Picked?!"
"Uh....you mean... a Peck of Pickled Peppers?" I replied, shocked that this is what had kept her up.
"Oh, yes! That's it. Thanks, Mom!"
And she rolled over and fell right to sleep.

**************************************
Last night, Riley asked me where we could buy a Daddy that could go to church with us on "Church Days" and a little sister who we could name Olive.

I told her we'd look at Costco tomorrow.

If only it were that easy, huh?

(I have no idea where she came up with the name 'Olive' but I actually really dig it.)

**************************************

St. Patrick's Day Randomness

- - My cell phone and my iPod decided to crash within about 2 days of each other. I decided to take this as a sign from the Universe to upgrade to an iPhone. So far - I really like it. Being a Mac girl through and through, this brings everything into one place. It's so convenient! And my photographer's heart beats a little faster whenever I play with all the photo apps. The funny part about getting an iPhone was that G was way more excited about it than I was. So it's only fitting that the first iPhone pic on my blog is of her, no?

- -I am experiencing a major case of writer's block, only not in my traditional sense. I have plenty - tons, in fact- of ideas and words and poems and essays floating around in my head. I'm even dreaming in written words. I just can't seem to organize any of them into any sort of consumable fashion. I'm just going with the flow and letting them show up how and when and where they may, but the result of this approach is an assortment of stanzas of poetry written on grocery store receipts and texts to myself that have ideas for other work. I know that, at some point, they'lll come together. I'm learning to trust my own creative process.

- - I ate this for breakfast today. This was after I gave myself a lecture about healthy, nutrient filled breakfasts to fuel my workouts last night. Healthy choice, no?

But dang -- it was GOOD!

- -Speaking of workouts, I've increased my training even more recently (added miles to my runs and am swimming and weight training more), and I'm beginning to see the signs that go along with these changes. For me, the first thing I see is a definite increase in my appetite. I know that sounds fun, but when you are hungry all the time, and you need to eat good, high quality, fresh foods, it takes lots of planning and organization and it can be sort of annoying. The other thing I notice is that when I'm tired, I AM TIRED. Tonight, I'm tired. It's off to bed after I finish this post.

- - Riley's class tried to catch a Leprechaun today. They didn't quite succeed, but the little guy did leave her some Leprechaun Gold while she was taking a nap. She's rather excited about it.

- -My ex-husband is Irish, which is where my kiddo gets her reddish hair and fair complexion. He usually celebrates the day up right, and that used to be fun, but I'm happy to be home with my kiddo tonight. She's keeping me entertained by performing this little groove.



- - Riley is going to be with her Dad this entire weekend, and I am heading north to enjoy one more snow-filled weekend before spring sets in for good. I am really looking forward to the long, solo drive (best time for me to really dig into my own brain), and getting out to do some XC skiing and snowshoeing. I'm also planning some quality time with my camera. The logical part of my brain keeps trying to shut this plan down in favor of staying home and working on my kitchen, but my heart is shouting at me to go. I'm listening.

Hair Fashion Tips from The Girl

Riley has been really into styling her hair like "Barbie" lately. Observe:

(I'm sure you can see the resemblance, right?)

She has been kind enough to demonstrate her styling technique to the blogosphere, so you, too, can look like she thinks Barbie looks.



Any donations you'd care to send this way will be applied to her college savings account.

Because heaven knows, this child needs to be directed towards college, and definitely not to beauty school.

It's the simple things

One truth the Girl has learned early on:
There is not much a hot 'bubble-y' bath and a cup of tea won't cure (particularly when the tea is bubble-y, too).

"Healthy and Strong"

Now that Riley is getting a bit older, one of the things that I am really enjoying is the opportunity I have to share some of the things I love with her. Not only do I get to spend more quality time with her, but it also provides a chance for me to teach her about those things I value. We've been talking a lot lately about what it means to be "Healthy and Strong", how important it is to live an active lifestyle, and how lucky we are to live in a place with such beautiful surroundings.
I got her out on snowshoes for the first time today, and the Girl took to it like a fish to water. Granted, we only tromped around our front yard for a while so she could get the feel of maneuvering her feet with big shoes attached, but she did great-fantastic balance and completely at ease right from the start. We have big plans to tackle the short hike in Memory Grove tomorrow afternoon and we're both excited to see how it goes.
I love being able to teach my daughter through my example to be active, and that living a "Healthy and Strong Life" is an important thing to strive for. It's fun for me to see her enjoy the outdoors and want to try something I love to do. Another thing I love about these photos is that I can see evidence of me here: ponytail, yoga pants, fleece and snowshoes.

Yep, she's my girl alright.

It wasn't obvious to me at first....

But when she struck this pose, her words all made sense.

"Lama Stay" = Namaste.

Or maybe, the large South American pack animal in me honors the large South American pack animal in you.

Either way, I love this girl.

*Drama Queen*

I got Riley some new, sparkly, pink sunnies to perk up the winter doldrums, and she immediately asked me to get the camera (she usually hates it when I pull out the camera). I was happy to oblige.
Image my delight when she started working her *drama queen faces* and let me shoot to my heart's content.
(don't you love that the sticker is still on the lense?)My goodness, I love this kid!

My three-year-old has evil plans for me

Queen Mama and Princess Riley, January 1, 2011

It all started with this drawing.

"Look, Mama. I drew you a picture!"

She was so excited to show me this drawing. I could see that there were two people, and I was thrilled because it was the first drawing she has done (that I have seen, anyway) where her people had recognizable parts. There were definite arms and leg, eyes and mouths, and I had to laugh at the expression on the person on the right.

"Tell me about this picture, Riley. Who is this?"

She told me that it was me and her, and then proceeded to show me that she was the shorter figure, and although we both had bangs, she had longer hair (now that she has seen the Rapunzel movie, she is determined to have the longest hair possible, and most certainly longer than mine). She also told me that I couldn't tell in the drawing, but her dress was prettier and "twirl-ier" than mine.

"Why isn't my dress as pretty as yours, Riley?"

Apparently, I was the queen and I had spent all my money on a dress for her, so I had to make mine out of blankets and garbage bags. But then she must have thought that I was hurt by my clothing material, so she did offer this one consolation...

"You know what, Mom...since you are the queen, you do get a prettier dress when you die. Which will be soon. Because the hungry, hungry hippos come out of the cave to eat the queen every year after Christmas."

"Well, that doesn't sound very nice. I don't want to be eaten by hippos."

"It's better than being locked in the fairy dungeon."

"If you say so..."


I swear, I couldn't make up the stuff that comes out of her mouth. I love that she has an active imagination, but should I be worried about the fact that she's dressing me in garbage and planning my demise?

Recipe for New Years Eve -- Riley-style

Start with several cups of hot chocolate (extra whipped cream, please.)
Add in some quality time with the pink Zhu-Zhu pet.
Combine with one homemade pizza with a pepperoni smiley face (for the Girl) and mushroom and onion hair (for mama).
Finish off with several rousing games of CandyLand (guess who won them all...)
I'm really not a fan of New Year's Eve, and this year was super cold, so this is the perfect way for us to spend my evening. She's the perfect New Year's Eve date (despite the many wardrobe changes.)

I hope your New Years was safe and festive.
Happy New Years, ya'll.

This is about how I feel about Christmas.

Christmas, 2008

This photo always cracks me up. Riley was just a little over a year when this was taken. The part of Santa was played by one of my all-time favorite neighbors, who passed away just days after this photo was taken. I'm so happy to have it for that reason, but it also makes me laugh when I've about had enough of the Christmas madness.

What about you? How is your holiday season going?

The big news of the day:

The girl got her very first "addressed to her" package in the mail. She was SO excited to see her own name on the envelope, she kept saying "I just can't believe it, Mama. My very own mail." Pretty big news, indeed.