On Time (Or, Riley's first day of first grade)

Lately, I've been thinking about Time.* 

I have been thinking about when Riley was a newborn, and how I dreaded the nights- those lonely and seemingly endless nights-because they felt like Time had stopped dead somewhere between dusk and dawn.  I remember how each audible tick of the clock echoed in my ears, making a mockery of my footsteps while I paced the floors with an fussy baby who quite simply refused to sleep. Time was a slippery vixen then.  There never seemed to be enough to meet the needs of single, working motherhood, but then at night - then, there was simply too much. 

I have been wondering if I did this to myself.  Did I force Time's hand?  When Riley started smiling, I couldn't wait to hear her laugh.  When she was crawling, I was anxiously awaiting her first steps.  It seems I was always waiting for the next milestone, for the next big thing.  The first time she lost a tooth, the first time she wrote her own name.  Now, I can't help wondering if I pushed Time too much then, demanding it speed up and race at the pace I was setting,  and the punishment I'm facing now is that it has. 

Time continues to be something of a thief and a bully.  It continues to steal moments from me, continues to elude me, continues to take what's mine.  I feel as if I can't win here, there just is simply never enough time, so I am continually reminding myself to make the moments I do have with my child matter.
 

Make them count. 

   

This past week, the Girl started first grade.  Her preschool and kindergarten experiences were both tied to her daycare, so while they were school, they weren't really "school."  There were no bells or assigned seats, and there were only ten or twelve kids in her class.   Now there are school handbooks and tardy bells and principal's offices.  School now- it's the real deal.  

The night before school started, we washed and brushed her hair, picked out clothes and packed her backpack with the requisite forms and snacks.  She went to bed, nervous and excited and chattering a mile a minute, then finally settling into a restless sleep.

I sat down in the hallway outside her room and cried.

How is it possible that I have an almost-six-year old? Where did the Time go?  Did I use it well, or did I squander this precious, precious commodity.  Have I given her what she needs so she can confidently navigate this next stage of her life?  Will she find the bus to her afterschool program ok?  Will the other kids be nice to her?  Will she make friends? Who will help her figure out how to access her lunch money account?  Will she feel empowered to learn and grow, or will she slip into the timid mode that is her fall-back when she's overwhelmed?  For quite a while, I sat just outside her bedroom, listening to her talk in her sleep, and these questions filled my entire heart with a heavy, heavy weight. 

 For so long, I have felt as if I had to speed up time, had to keep moving, and now that the reality of it's passage was staring me in the face, I could only beg Time to show a little mercy.  Please, please, let me keep my baby little, just for a bit longer.  

The next day dawned bright and sunny, and the Girl dawned bright and sunny, as well.  She ate breakfast, got dressed and allowed me to take a few pictures, and when the Time was right, we headed up the hill.  She was nervous and hung back near me, and when the bell rang, she hung on to me and cried a bit.  I could tell she was overwhelmed by the noise and the sheer mass of kids, and truth be told, I was too.  Still, after a bit of coaxing from her sweet new teacher, she finally went into her classroom and continued on to a fun and successful first day at school.

 And I sat in my jeep outside of work and cried.

I cried the next day after dropping her off, and the following day, too and while I'm certain my co-workers now think I'm an emotional nutjob, I have come out of this week having learned an important lesson.  

In the battle of Amy vs Time, there is only ever going to be one winner.  I will never find enough Time, and even if Time rolled over and surrendered to my wishes to keep my baby little, it still wouldn't be enough for me to take in all the laughter, tears, and tiny little moments that make up the everyday.  There is simply not enough.  There are competing demands, and I'm not going to get what I want here.

What  I can do is this:  spend what time I do have with my first grader fully immersed in the present moment.  Notice the way her eyes light up when she thinks she's outsmarted me, and how her freckles are deepening against her milky, pale skin.  Pay attention to the words she speaks in her husky, smokers-lounge voice and engage completely when she tells me her secrets and dreams.  Be willing to put down the to-do list in order to snuggle with her when she asks and put aside the laundry or dishes to play with her when she wants me to be her playmate.  It's not enough, but it's what I have.  It's all I have. 

I want to be fully and completely engaged in these moments of motherhood, and not spend more of tomorrow's Time wondering where they went.



*I capitalized Time in this post because it feels big, it feels like a main character.  No need to email me and tell me it's incorrect.
**Thanks, Frister, for finding my words so I could repost them again.  You're the bestest. 

No Spend Month: Week 2, plus Mother's Day Weekend and some other stuff

**I am two weeks into the "no-spend month" and still- so far, so good.  We spent Mother's Day weekend in Denver with some dear friends, but we stuck to our pre-set budget (actually, we were significantly under it)  there were no major purchases, and Riley didn't even ask for 'something special' from our trip.  The latter was a big deal, as the Girl really LOVES to buy 'souvies' (as she calls them) when we travel.   I've noticed myself slipping into the online browsing habit a couple of times, but each time I've quickly caught myself and changed course.  The challenge seems to be doing it's job- at least in that respect.

**Mother's day was lovely.  As I mentioned before, we were in Denver with friends, and celebrating it with them was a great way to go, complete with cute crafts, yummy food, perfect weather and Riley lip-synching a mother's day song in church.  Classic Riley. 

Yep, we sorta resemble each other. 

I sure do love this Girl and am so grateful I have the opportunity to be her Mom.  

**While in Denver, I ran this 5K with my friend and her 9 year old daughter, plus about 2000 more women and girls (and some guys, although I think it was supposed to be a women's only event.)   I was paired up with a little girl who didn't have an adult running with her, and we made a game of picking a pair of runners and trying to stay ahead of them.  It was silly, but it kept her running most of the time, and I'm happy to report we won our race with the 'lady in the blue hat' and her daughter.  Being in this event reminded me how much I like running (despite the weird knee issue I'm having right now) and how much I enjoy the energy and motivation that comes from training for and participating in races.  I'm on the lookout for a few fun, casual, local events to run this summer.

**The friends that we visited have been working hard lately to make positive, healthy changes to their lifestyles, and I gotta say - it's really awesome!  They all look great, but on top of that, you can tell that their family as a whole has embraced the concept of healthy living as a family value.  I came home feeling inspired to take a closer look at how I'm doing healthy living-wise, both personally and for my little family.  While it's not all bad, I will say this:  There is room for improvement.

So that's where we are today- still on track with 'no spend month,' still working on living a healthy lifestyle, still loving on this crazy little girl who calls me 'Mama.' 

Riley's beat-up shoes: Sunday Gratitude and Intentions

These are Riley's shoes.
She's had countless pair like these: Usually black.  Mary jane style (her favorite.)  Usually with velcro closures. 
Always with well worn spots on the toes .


It used to frustrate me to no end how hard she is on her shoes.  It felt like, no matter what I said, no matter the situation, the minute the Girl got new shoes, they had scuffs all over and the toes were pretty much destroyed.   Case in point- these shoes in the picture are only about a week and a half old.

I really let this bother me for a while.  I tried everything I could think of to make her be more careful, to get her to be a little more cautious and to consider her footwear when she was playing.
Then I really watched her play.   I watched her kick and crawl and leap and roll around on the floor.  I watched her run and jump and crash and fall.  It became immediately apparent why her shoes were always so beat up - she played HARD, and her shoes took the brunt of her play.   But her face during this crazy, exuberant play is what i couldn't get over - how her eyes lit up with the thrill of discovery, and her gigantic smile appeared when she nailed a particularly intense landing.  There was no question in my mind that she wasn't thinking about her shoes.  She was thinking about how she could play harder, run faster, climb higher and push her own limits. 

So I got over myself.
She can wear less-than-perfect shoes, or I can buy new shoes.  This part of her childhood- the ability to play with such reckless abandon - this part only lasts for a limited time.   I want her to completely enjoy it and I want to completely enjoy it, without the burden of worrying about something as unimportant as shoes. 


As I've been thinking about what I'm grateful for tonight, I realized that this photo sums up neatly  many of those exact things.   

To be specific, I'm grateful for:
-The little girl whose feet wear these shoes.
-The patience and perspective I gain by being her mom.
-Her energy, her excitement, and her eagerness to explore her world and her willingness to let me be a part of this.
-The knowledge that I'm finally letting go of the idea of perfection and learning to embrace "good enough." It's a work in process, but I can see progress.  
- The resources we enjoy that allow me to not worry much about replacing her "beat-up before their time" shoes (I know that many families have a much tougher time meeting these basic needs.)

Wrecked shoes or not, our lives are really, really good in so many ways.  I have much to be grateful for.

 Next week's Intentions:
*Drink more water.  I'm usually pretty good about this, but lately I need to nudge myself along.  I'm hoping that setting this intention will help me return to a good habit.
*Get out and ride my bike at least twice this week.  It seems increasingly hard to fit this is, but there is nothing as good for my head and my body as a kick-ass bike ride.
*Continue to try to stay focused on the task at hand.  I noticed some improvement last week, but continuing to shine a light on this will help me move closer to where I want to be.


Looking forward to a new week- I always enjoy new beginnings.
Happy Sunday to you!

Still

There are still days when I am consumed by the wonder that this child, this perfect little girl is mine.

Little rewards

Riley locked herself in the bathroom today.  I figured she was working on some elaborate hairdo or makeup look, so I didn't worry about the time she was in there or the bangs and bumps I kept hearing from behind the closed door.  When she was done,  she grabbed me by the hand and ushered me in, singing that she had a "big surprise" for me.

She had cleaned the bathroom. For me.  All by herself.  Because, in her words, she wanted to "show me that she loved me by doing something nice." 

Of course, it wasn't perfect.  I could see that she had used the decorative hand towels to mop the floor and it appeared she wiped the mirror and countertops down using her detangling spray.  But things were picked up and put in the right spot, and overall, she had done a pretty decent job.

She declared it "sparkling clean" with a huge, proud smile on her face.  I declared it "absolutely perfect" because, well...I think it is.

It seems like, as a mother, we have those days when it feels like we give and do and work and help, with little reward or recognition (at least, I have those kind of days.)  But little moments like these remind me that I have a little girl who, somewhere along the way,  learned that it's important to show others that we love them through our actions.   And her actions today spoke volumes to me.

A clean bathroom is nice, but above it all is this truth:  I love this little girl.  She loves me back.  That's all the reward I need.

Summer Solstice Wishes

Riley in her favorite "Gypsy" outfit

Riley and I were driving home from swimming lessons today, when the topic of wishes came up. I had told her that today was the first day of Summer, that it was called the Summer Solstice and that I had always heard that it was the best day of the year to make wishes. She asked me what I wished for, more than anything else.

I told her that I wished that she'd always know how loved she was, that she'd always be full of imagination and brightness and creativity, that her life would be one she would be excited about and proud to live. I wished that her determination and stubbornness would be great strengths for her, and allow her to get what she really wanted out of her life. I continued on, saying I wished that I'd be able to teach her by my example to be kind and generous to others, to be loving and open to everyone, and be strong and steadfast in her values and beliefs. I wished that she'd know how important honesty and integrity were, and understand that people and relationships are always more valuable than money or objects. I wished that she'd desire a good education, and someday that she'd have the opportunity to make her mark on this world in whatever way was right for her. Finally, I told her that I wished that I'd always be the best mother I could be for her and that while I wish and hope that our family will grow to include others, that we'll be a happy and loving family always, regardless.

I was blinking back tears when I finished my little diatribe on my wishes, a bit overcome with how strongly I felt about all of these wishes and overwhelmed with the love I felt for her and the gratitude I felt for our lives right in that moment.

I asked her what she wished for most of all, and her blue eyes met my brown eyes in the rear-view mirror. She looked a little baffled about my lengthy answer to what she clearly thought was a simple question.

"Um....I just wish for GummyBears...but yours is good too."

Well....ok then.


*Whether they are deep and complex, or simple and sweet, may all your Summer Solstice wishes come true*

How motherhood looks to me

How motherhood looks today

I did not expect my turn at motherhood to look like it does. First, I imagined raising a large, chaotic family, complete with dogs and pranks and soccer games, then I imagined growing old with no children at all. I didn't expect to be a single mother. I didn't expect to only have one child. I'm not complaining, not at all, because this version of motherhood is very good to me. It's full of a loving, supportive family who backs me up 100% and so many friends who provide all the light and love I could ask for. I make a good living and I'm able to find a way to do the things I want to do and be who I want to be. I get some time for myself and really enjoy the time I have with my kiddo. This version of motherhood might not be the easiest path, but I cherish the lessons learned, the love shared and the strength gained. No, I can't complain about how my life looks. And being a mother is definitely the best thing about it.

It still surprises me how tender I feel about being a mother. It still catches me off guard when my emotions well to the surface easily and with little notice. It still amazes me when I remember feeling her shift and move inside of me, knowing that I was carrying a little girl who would someday grow up and carry her own child. It still takes my breath away when I see how clearly she is her own person, and yet how like me she is. I still feel like she is my heart walking around outside of my body. I don't expect that this awe will ever really go away.

Becoming a mother changed me in ways that are hard to describe. I never imagined that one tiny child would hold the key to opening a well of love so deep, so strong, so intense that it would so completely change how my life looked and who I was. I never imagined it, and yet I would not do one single thing differently. I'm proud of who she is becoming and I'm proud that some of her is the product of who I am. I'm proud of who I am, and of the qualities I've adopted and strengthened in this phase of my life. I'm so grateful to live this life, to have this child, to be this mother. On this day, when we celebrate the mother's in our lives, I'm so thankful that this is how motherhood looks to me. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Happy Mother's Day!

"Me and Yous"

She's three and a half.
And boy, is she ever "three and a half".
Full of sass and opinions and silly songs and goofy faces (observe).
In the course of any given day, she:
amazes me,
frustrates me,
amuses me,
teaches me,
humbles me,
energizes me,
exhausts me,
enlightens me,
confuses me,
trusts me,
consoles me,
irritates me,
adores me,
ignores me (a lot, lately),
watches me,
imitates me,
questions me,
answers me,
scares me,
calms me.

Life is very full with her around,
bigger and brighter than I ever imagined it could be.

Bugga, I'm so glad it's "Me and Yous".

(Her face isn't dirty, but rather that's her makeup job for today. Gorgeous, no?)

What I know tonight

'Be, Balance, Breathe'

We're on the other side of a week of the sickies.
We've been here before.
I know this game.
I know what to expect.
I know that it will take longer than I think it should to dig out.
I know that both the Girl and I will be more tired (more irritable, less patient) than usual.
I know she'll need extra snuggle time.
I know I probably need it just as much, maybe even more.
I know I'll feel behind at work.
I know I'll catch up soon enough.
I know I'll feel behind at home.
I know I won't catch up on that quite as quickly.
I know I'll feel like skipping workouts.
I know I'll go anyway.
I know I'll feel better for doing it.
I know I need to put myself first sometimes, too.
I know I will have to pull into myself for a while, to get past the deluge on my 'to-do' list.
I know those who know and understand me understand this.
I know these times happen.
I know they'll happen again.
I know I have the "get through it" directions on my mirror.
I know I have to let myself just 'BE'.
I know I must try to find some 'BALANCE'.
I know how to 'BREATHE'.

And that's all I need to know.

Grateful for Riley

In honor of Thanksgiving, I'll be posting everyday this week about the things in my life for which I am most grateful.

For me, there is no other way to start off than with her.
The opportunity to be Riley's mother is the greatest gift I have ever been given. There was a time when I couldn't imagine being a parent, when I didn't think I had it in me to give someone else what they needed to grow into their full potential. I'm so glad that I was given the chance to prove that these ideas were false.
Motherhood has been a wild ride, to say the least. The extreme emotions and unexpected turns that have accompanied life with Riley often leave me breathless and awestruck, sometimes shaking with sheer terror and other times ready to whoop with the sheer joy of it all. There are moments I hope I never forget- moments when my heart is ready to shatter into a million little pieces when her little arms wrap around my neck, or when her sweet voice whispers "oh, mama...I love you" as she drifts off to sleep in my embrace. And then there are the other moments, the ones I sort of hope to forget, when I'm less than my best; when I'm frustrated, weary and worn. Still, one of the greatest lessons I've learned from parenting is to really feel what I'm feeling, whether that be terror, frustration, contentment or unabashed joy. It's the best way to be present with her, to give us both what we need in that moment,and it's a lesson that has served me well in all the areas of my life.
Motherhood has brought so much to my life, and has taught me so much about myself. I've found reserves of strength I didn't know I had, and discovered reservoirs of patience that lie deep below the surface. I've learned how to dig deep and push through the hard times, because at the end lies a field full of joy and laughter. I've become healthier, happier, more confident and brave, because I want her to see that in me and find it in herself. I've learned what really matters and how to put first things first. I've found a stronger faith and a deeper desire to live a life both she and I can be proud of. Everyday brings with it a new lesson, and each lesson teaches me that I can trust myself, that I can trust in my ability to be her mother- exactly now, exactly how we are- because we have a whole lifetime of things to share with each other.
I'm not sure why I was given the opportunity to raise this child, this girl who is part sunshine, part spit and sass. But here is what I do know: I am supposed to be her mother, and she is, without a doubt, supposed to be my daughter. When I look into her face and see so much of myself, when I know instinctively what she needs from me in that very moment, when I can intuit her next move because it's exactly what I would do...these are the things that cement this belief, that remind me that I can do this, that I can raise her, no matter how challenging it is. This little girl was sent to me exactly how and when she was supposed to be. Of that, I have no doubt. For this gift, for the chance to experience motherhood with this child, who is full of love, light and life, and who teaches me to be exactly who I am and more than I ever thought I would be, I am so incredibly grateful.

Five For Friday -- (truths)

completely irrelevant to this post, but another truth

This week has found me in my own head a lot; thinking about the consistencies and contradictions that I see right before me, and trying to sort the facts from the fiction in some of the stories I tell myself. I've noticed a few repetitive themes in many of the thoughts swirling around in my mind, and when I did some journaling exercises to distill the many thoughts and themes down into something manageable, five truths kept emerging, over and over again.

1. My life is chock-full of really amazing people. It's absolutely filled to the brim with friends and family who love me, who love Riley, who support me no matter what, who have my back in all circumstances. I am so very lucky to have these people in my life, and so blessed to be able to give back to them in some small way. These wonderful people make me the wealthiest of women in all the ways that matter.

2. I want to do the best job I can as a mother, and I believe that if I can raise my daughter to be accepting of others, to be tolerant of differences, to think about things critically, to trust in herself, to notice the beauty in in the everyday, and to love with a deep, wide and open heart, I have done my job and done it well. The only way I can teach her these things is to lead by example. I guess I have my work cut out for me.

3. It's ok to question. It's ok to wonder. It's ok to think deeply about things instead of blindly following the status quo. It's ok to speak out and speak up and keep asking questions until the questions are answered and the understanding begins to flow. This is how progress occurs and how changes are made. To do all of these things is part of who I am. I like who i am, and I like this about me. Those who don't can just take a flying leap, as far as I am concerned.

4. There is something powerful in being heard, in being seen, in being touched, in being understood. We all need this. Regardless of who we are, regardless of the path we are on, we all need this.

5. Most of us get through the day by trying to do the best we can with what we have. Life gets a whole lot easier when this truth replaces any judgment that was in the way.

Celebrating three years of motherhood

Three years ago today, my life changed in the most miraculous way. I was given the best birthday gift anyone could ask for, the chance to be a mother to the sweetest, sassiest, sunniest little girl. She makes my life rich and wonderful in more ways than I can count. Sharing the same birthday reminds me to treasure her and cherish the opportunity I have to be her mother, that learning to love the way I love her is the most important gift I could be given. I can't imagine where I would be today without her.

To the one who makes me push further, run faster, do my best, laugh more, enjoy the hell out of life, work to make myself better each day, the one who teaches me patience, reminds me to be a good example, and loves me more than I deserve at times....happy birthday, Riley. I hope I can be everything you need and deserve in a mother.

I love you so, SO much.

xxox
Mama