Grateful for Sundays and Chocolate Chip Cookies

Church.
Yoga pants and sweatshirts.
No plans.
Staying home with my girl.
Watching the snow fall.
Movies.
Stacks of books to read.
Afternoon naps followed by restorative yoga.
Phone dates with long-distance friends.
Writing in my journal.
Baking cookies.
Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. With walnuts, to be exact.
Pretty much adds up to a perfect way to spend the day, in my book.

I'm grateful for days like today.

Grateful for the Little Things

Today, I am exceedingly grateful for the things that aren't necessary, per se, but sure do make life much more enjoyable. Today, I am grateful for:
*An evening at the spa that left me a bit sore (damn deep muscle work) but very relaxed.
*Tangled in 3-D with an 8 year old pixie and a very large bucket of popcorn.
*A good relationship with Riley's Dad. It's nice that we can work together for her best interests.
*The guy who sat on the end of my lane counting laps for me this morning. I love to swim, but I hate counting laps, so this was a nice respite from the dreaded task.
*An upcoming trip to Hawaii in April. I'm already day-dreaming of sandy beaches, amazing hikes, lovely sunsets and some quality time with one of my favorite people.
*A super-clean and well-organized home, thanks to a lost camera remote shutter and a slight OCD streak.
*Having my little one back after a few days with her Dad. I enjoy the break, but I am always happy to have her home.
*My christmas shopping is almost completely DONE! Yay! And the few things I still need can all be purchased online! Double YAY!
*I still have a day left in this long, lovely weekend. It's going to be a lazy Sunday with no plans, except making chocolate chip cookies with my kiddo and phone dates with a couple of friends.

What about you? What little thing is making your world a bit brighter today?

Grateful for My Family

I've been sitting here for an hour, trying to distill how thankful I am for my family into a few spare paragraphs.

I'm a writer.
I love my family.
This should be easy.

These people:
my parents, my brothers and sisters, my nieces and nephews, my grandparents....those that I am joined with by blood and those who I am joined with by marriage...
...They are everything to me.

Grateful for my tribe

(Note: This post was supposed to go up yesterday, but apparently Blogger hates me. So you'll be getting two posts today.)

Having a tribe of women surround me (both physically and virtually) is a key element in living the best life I can. These women are my rocks, my mainstays, and I think of them as family.

They offer love, support and a safe place to land.
They listen to me, really hear me, and understand on a level that is straight from their hearts.
They push me to go further, go faster, and do my best, always encouraging me to push my limits to find what I have inside of me.
They laugh with me and often at me (it's ok, I do some pretty funny stuff).
They have stood with me in grief and held my hand in sorrow, then helped me pick up the pieces and move on.
They let me be exactly who I am, with all my strengths and my faults and my accomplishments and my mistakes, and they remind me that no matter what, I am enough.

My world is so much bigger, so much brighter, because of the friendships I have. For these women, for these relationships, for the moments of joy they bring to my life, I am grateful.

(I don't have pics of everyone I wanted to include here, but please know that there are many people who's photo *should* be here. I'm making it a goal to get photos of all my friends.)

Grateful for Home Sweet Home

There has been a Blizzard warning in effect for Utah today, which resulted in me being sent home from work early. The advice was to get out, get what you need for a few days, get your family home, and stay put. Um....OK!

I love being at home, so an enforced "night-in" is just fine with me. My condo is small, and it's usually cluttered with the various 'stuff' that accompanies a three year old, but It's where I am the most comfortable and where I am the happiest.
After about 30 minutes of snowfall

Riley and I arrived home around 3:00 this afternoon, and we've been hanging out since. We've watched ELF, had a dance party, made chex mix, cleaned out the entry-way closet, made huge messes in other rooms doing 'art', ran some laundry, and read a stack of books. We also paid a visit to Beckie and Madi, our upstairs neighbors, and saw their pet rat Olive, and her six tiny babies (cute, but still sorta creepy). We wound the day up with a rousing game of Riley's version of memory and then it was bathtime, PJ's, and 'Ratatouille'.
Riley got up the courage to pet Olive, as long as Madi held her.

Beckie holding one of the cute rat babies.

Part of her 'memory' strategy - - laying down on the cards.
The wind started in fiercely around 5:00 and the snow began not long after that. We won't be going anywhere anytime soon, but I don't mind. We're safe. We're happy. We have everything we need. For this-a home I love that gives us a safe, warm place to land-I am grateful.

Grateful for Riley

In honor of Thanksgiving, I'll be posting everyday this week about the things in my life for which I am most grateful.

For me, there is no other way to start off than with her.
The opportunity to be Riley's mother is the greatest gift I have ever been given. There was a time when I couldn't imagine being a parent, when I didn't think I had it in me to give someone else what they needed to grow into their full potential. I'm so glad that I was given the chance to prove that these ideas were false.
Motherhood has been a wild ride, to say the least. The extreme emotions and unexpected turns that have accompanied life with Riley often leave me breathless and awestruck, sometimes shaking with sheer terror and other times ready to whoop with the sheer joy of it all. There are moments I hope I never forget- moments when my heart is ready to shatter into a million little pieces when her little arms wrap around my neck, or when her sweet voice whispers "oh, mama...I love you" as she drifts off to sleep in my embrace. And then there are the other moments, the ones I sort of hope to forget, when I'm less than my best; when I'm frustrated, weary and worn. Still, one of the greatest lessons I've learned from parenting is to really feel what I'm feeling, whether that be terror, frustration, contentment or unabashed joy. It's the best way to be present with her, to give us both what we need in that moment,and it's a lesson that has served me well in all the areas of my life.
Motherhood has brought so much to my life, and has taught me so much about myself. I've found reserves of strength I didn't know I had, and discovered reservoirs of patience that lie deep below the surface. I've learned how to dig deep and push through the hard times, because at the end lies a field full of joy and laughter. I've become healthier, happier, more confident and brave, because I want her to see that in me and find it in herself. I've learned what really matters and how to put first things first. I've found a stronger faith and a deeper desire to live a life both she and I can be proud of. Everyday brings with it a new lesson, and each lesson teaches me that I can trust myself, that I can trust in my ability to be her mother- exactly now, exactly how we are- because we have a whole lifetime of things to share with each other.
I'm not sure why I was given the opportunity to raise this child, this girl who is part sunshine, part spit and sass. But here is what I do know: I am supposed to be her mother, and she is, without a doubt, supposed to be my daughter. When I look into her face and see so much of myself, when I know instinctively what she needs from me in that very moment, when I can intuit her next move because it's exactly what I would do...these are the things that cement this belief, that remind me that I can do this, that I can raise her, no matter how challenging it is. This little girl was sent to me exactly how and when she was supposed to be. Of that, I have no doubt. For this gift, for the chance to experience motherhood with this child, who is full of love, light and life, and who teaches me to be exactly who I am and more than I ever thought I would be, I am so incredibly grateful.

Grateful for....

*My daughter -for the joy, the motivation and the chaos she brings into my world.

*My family- for the love, the laughter and the support they offer up every day.

*My friends-old and new, near and far, here and there and everywhere. I have truly been blessed with the best friends in the world.

*My job – work that allows me to flex my brain, stretch and grow, make a difference. Lots of people like their job- I LOVE mine. Lucky me.

*My bicycles – My bikes have been my salvation this year. I have yet to find a problem that didn’t solve itself, as long as I keep pedaling.

*The words – they keep coming, day after day, allowing me to share my story and open my life up to others.

*Squam – Where, once again, I found peace, serenity, love and magic. I’m so glad I went. It continues to fill my soul with inspiration and appreciation.

*Water – much healing and solace has been found following the black line. It’s hard to believe I used to be afraid.

*The small ones in my life – my nieces and nephews are constant sources of amusement and love. They deserve their own mention here.

*Faith – it’s a little different than what I thought it would be, but it’s there. And it’s lovely.

*Strength – I have found more of this inside myself than I ever thought I had. Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual - I am strong, and, for that, I am grateful.

*Joy – I often find myself twirling around in a ridiculous haze of happiness and bliss. I am grateful to have a life full of what brings me joy.

Wishing you and yours a happy Thanksgiving.

Choices

It's Thanksgiving today, and it is the first holiday since Riley was born that I have not had her with me. Although I didn't expect it, this has been very hard on me. I love my little girl more than anything, but I also very much enjoy the time I have to myself when she is with her dad. I expected today to be more of that enjoyment, but instead it has been bittersweet...a day to be grateful for the many good things in my life, while missing the one person for whom I am the most grateful.

Because the weather has been somewhat decent today, I chose to get a little more biking in before the snow hits and this becomes impossible. Doing something physical seems to allow my mind the space needed to work itself through whatever it has been wrestling with, and today was no exception. I started to think about the choices that I've made that led me to a point where I was punishing myself on a cold, unforgiving trail on Thanksgiving day, instead of cozied up in my house, surrounded by the sounds and scents of the holiday, enjoying time with my kiddo and family.

I thought the holidays of past years; savored the memories of those particularly sweet, felt icy tears freeze on my cheeks when remembering a few that still sting. And then, in typical Amy fashion, I started questioning myself. For being lonely without my daughter, for being upset over things that I think shouldn't matter anymore, for not being good enough, for not being grateful enough. And then, thankfully, the authentic voice that I've learned to trust showed up, and over the next two or three miles, reminded me that its ok to miss those we love when they aren't here, that its ok to acknowledge that things are hard, and that I am good enough for whatever I need to be right now. With the comfort of that voice echoing through my thoughts, my mind started thinking again about the choices that led me there, and I decided to let some of this junk go.

We make choices based on what we know about ourselves and those in our lives and the world around us at the time, but it's always based on incomplete information. We can't know what might be around the next corner, or what someone else is really thinking, or how things might change overnight, so we take what we know and roll the dice. We make our choices and we take our chances and we get what we get. Sometimes we are handed the most painful, heart-wrenching experiences we can imagine and sometimes we are handed pure spirit and love wrapped up in a blond haired, blue eyed baby girl.

I thought more about this conclusion as I showered off the mud and slush of the ride, and prepared to meet some of my family for the traditional thanksgiving meal. If I could, would I make any different choices? Would I trade this somewhat lonely holiday for anything different, knowing that might mean a different life, different child, different circumstances?

I put away my helmet and caught sight of her winter coat and mittens. My shoes were set to rest by her singing guitar and favorite doll. I moved a small pink sock off the dining room table and gathered up her assorted sippy cups that are always strewn around the house. And I thought that the choices I made led me up to a life where I'm her mama, where I get the priviledge of finding the other sock and washing the sippy cups, but also teaching her right from wrong and how to read and how to love. I get the effusive hugs in the morning. I get to kiss away the hurts that come with learning to live. I get to hear her babble in her sleep and softly sigh as she begins to wake. For me, there is not other choice.

And for such a life, I am thankful.