Tour of Utah - Stage 4

This afternoon, I spent a few sunny hours enjoying two of my favorite things - bicycles and hot men who shave their legs!

It's the Tour of Utah time, baby!

Besides the bikes and athletic men (which should not be discounted), watching the race also gave me a great chance to practice photographing moving subjects. All of these photos were shot on manual. There were some really terrible shots, but I started to figure it out as the laps counted down. I'm pleased with a few of them.

*Random Tuesday Thoughts*

**I attended a conference today about a new research center focusing on women and child health. I love being a part of things like this. It's so cool to me when so much brainpower comes together to work on a topic everyone in the room is passionate about. You can almost feel the place hum with the collective intelligence. It reminds me how lucky I am to do what I do for a living.

**I think I've mentioned before that I got rid of all my clothes that I didn't really like, and the outcome of that is that I really only have a few outfits for work and a few for home. I need to get around to replacing some of them, but honestly, I don't really like what's out there right now, so I just haven't. What I am finding, however, is that I don't really care if I wear the same stuff over and over, because the idea of having stuff I don't want is worse to me than not having much at all. Progress, no?

**This is what I ate for dinner tonight:
Multigrain toast with scrambled eggs, avocado and tomato, and mixed berries (strawberries, blueberries, and blackberries). It was so yummy and so easy. If you have never topped off your scrambled eggs with avocados and tomatoes, give it a whirl. It's completely delicious. A satisfying, healthy, meatless, and produce-heavy dinner that only produces one pan to wash-doesn't get much better than that!

**I've really been stepping up my training, in anticipation of the upcoming biking and triathlon seasons. My first Century ride and first Tri are in May, about two weeks apart from each other, and I can already feel them looming. To get my strength work in, I'm doing the p90x series again and WOW! I can sure feel it today. Besides that, I've been increasing my running mileage since it seriously slipped when I tore my hip flexor this winter, and I'm trying to spend more time in the pool. I've kept up spin classes all winter, but I need to step up my time in the saddle, too, so I'm considering investing in an indoor trainer. Just haven't had time to research my options.

**Did I mention I am going to Hawaii? To see my lovely soul-sister Demelza? In about two months? Did I mention I am S.T.O.K.E.D?

**My kiddo is finally reliably and consistently sleeping all night. Considering she's three, I think it's about time, but she's been a terrible sleeper since day one. It's really nice going to bed and not expecting to be woken up within a few hours. High time, indeed.

**I need to hire someone to clean my house and do my laundry. For some reason, I can't quite ignore the voice in my head that says: "it's only a tiny condo" and "there are only two people" and "why don't you quit whining about it and just do it". But seriously, I just need to hire it out and be done with it.

Well, those are the random thoughts that are swimming in my brain today. What's your most random thought for today?

October 12 of 12 (on the 13th)

This 12of12 is brought to you on the 13th, courtesy of dead camera batteries discovered on the morning of the 12th. Oh, well. Today (the 13th) was a fantastically fun day, so it was extra cool to document it.
(click to enlarge)
1. I'm doing 'The Artist's Way' with some friends. Here is a shot of the book and today's morning pages.
2. I can't explain why, but Riley slept in until 8:47 today. I had to wake her up to get her to preschool on time. I'm hoping for a repeat this weekend.
3. Riley and I are both obsessed with HoneyCrisp apples, like this one. They are HUGE, and we have to share one in order to finish.
4. One really fun part of the day was a bike ride up Emigration Canyon with some friends at lunch. This is a self portrait at the top. The fall colors were gorgeous and almost took my mind off my tired legs (...almost).
5. Candace, Brenna, Molly and Me = My girls (We were missing one - next time, Britt.)
6. Most days start off with a to-do list and a look over my day's schedule. Today was no exception.
7. Me and my friend James. I collect good people. They make me happy. You can tell by my face.
8. Riley's dress up outfit of the day. So much attitude in this little one. She calls these shoes her "sexy shoes." Oh, boy...I'm in for it.
9. I had a couple of my brothers and a couple of friends over for dinner tonight. Riley is madly in love with her Uncle Dan. And he played right along. Goofballs, both of them.
10. Lee brought amazing Mexican Chocolate Creme de Pots for dessert. Yummm-o!
11. A photo everyone complained about. I'm trying to figure out my new tripod.
12. I'm leaving some of the dishes for morning. It's all good.

It was a fun, busy, productive, fantastic day, filled with work, friends and family. Who cares if it's not the 12th?

Non-Race Report

Tonight, as I am typing this post, I am sitting with my feet in an ice bath. I ran hard yesterday, and even though I just did an easy recovery run and some plyometrics today, my feet are still very sore. My heels are tender and my toes ache. In anticipation of possibly doing an Olympic length triathlon in October, I've been working on my running form and speed, trying to run with more of a forefoot strike. I'm noticing some improvement in both speed and endurance, but I still get this way after a hard run. Normally, I would find a little bit of pleasure in the pain, because I like the feeling of pushing my physical limits a bit further than I had to, I like when I know I have given something my all. But tonight, the achey feet and the ice bath are serving as a reminder that I'm working on running, not biking, like I'd really prefer to be doing.

If you've been following my blog for a while, you might remember that I had plans to ride LOTOJA tomorrow. It's something I've wanted to do for years, and something that I have been eagerly anticipating and working towards. I have spent lots of time training for it, lots of time thinking about training for it, and lots of time talking about training for it. I have driven people I love nuts with my obsession for cycling in general, and this race in particular. But in about July, it became clear to me that it was very likely not going to happen for me, at least not this year.

The physicality of this goal wasn't the reason I decided not do it. I guess 206 miles could be considered intimidating, but I just saw it as a fun challenge, as a way to force me to push further than I had before. I knew then, and I still know, that I can do it physically, given the appropriate training. But training requires time and dedication, and while the dedication was in place, time is one thing I had little of this summer. My work is very demanding, and the times I had to train (usually when Riley was with her dad) were unpredictable and complicated. I had some personal issues to deal with that took a lot more time and energy than I had anticipated and I ran into a couple of minor health issues that put me out of intense training for about a month. I realized in July that, in order to really be ready for this ride, I would have to do nothing, i mean nothing, besides train for the remainder of July, all of August and the first week of September. Which meant no trip to Oregon, no weekends in Bear Lake, not as much time with my family when they needed me, and most distressing to me, I would have to put Riley with a babysitter every day of every weekend for about 8-10 hours.

I couldn't bring myself to commit to this. The cost was way too high, even for a long-held goal.

Letting go of this was not easy. I had several people tell me that it's just a long bike race and not worth the amount of work and worry I was putting into it. I even had one person tell me that it wasn't worth doing because there was no monetary return on the investment *insert head shake/eye roll here*. I know all of this was well meaning, but clearly these people didn't understand me at all, or the drive behind doing something like this. I wanted to ride LOTOJA to prove something to myself, to answer a question I had about my own abilities and to accomplish something new. Letting go of it meant putting these things off for at least another year, maybe more. I realize now that as long as I am single parenting my child, LOTOJA might not happen due to the sheer time commitment necessary. As it stands, I can't do the 5 am rides before work or the long weekend training rides without seriously sacrificing my child's stability. And although I firmly believe it's good for mother's to have goals and ambitions outside of motherhood, I am not willing to sacrifice her happiness and health for this. She needs more than that and she deserves better than that. I guess she'll have to settle for watching me do triathlons, not major long distance bike races. (note to all you single parents out there: triathlon training is much more flexible and easier to fit into a crazy schedule).

I know that I made the right decision, but it still stings. Today, as some of my friends were preparing for their race, I hugged them, gave them very heartfelt good wishes, and then closed my office door and tried not to let the tears fall. Tonight, I am sending them every single bit of light and energy I can, because I love it when people I love do amazing things. I still wish I were racing tomorrow, but I know that tonight, I'm exactly where I should be: soaking my aching feet and listening to my daughter talk to her baby doll in bed.

*Monday Miscellany*

*I'm home with a sickie today, and so I'm taking advantage of her frequent naps to try to get some little organization projects done. So far, I've cleaned out my kitchen catch-all drawer (I hate the phrase 'junk drawer') and scrubbed down the cupboard that houses my cleaning supplies. I've also moved my computer out of my bedroom and into my living room. I'm hoping this will help out my sleep (or lack thereof). Next up, scrubbing out the refrigerator. Maybe the oven will get done if she sleeps this afternoon. When she's awake, she needs serious snuggle time.

*Riley is leaving on her first week-long vacation with her dad on Wednesday, and I am SO NERVOUS about it. I know she'll be fine; her Dad takes fantastic care of her and she'll live it up in her GG and PawPaw's pool. I'm nervous because it's the first time she's been gone from home for that long, it's usually me that travels for more than a few days at a time. Now that she's a bit older, I think this may happen more often, so I guess I better get used to it.

*I am surrounded by the cutest kids. Seriously. Look at this little guy. He's the son of my friend Steph and man, oh MAN, am I in love with him. The eyes. The dimples. Oh, be still, my heart.
*I'm going to Portland this weekend and I am so excited. I really need a little break and exploring a new city is one of my favorite pastimes. So looking forward to it.

*I need to buy some bookcases. Badly. My books are slowly overtaking my home.

*I have a few new writing pieces that I am going to submit for publication, and I really need to focus on getting these out the door. Why is it that editing and polishing are the parts that never quite get done.

*Moab weekend biking trip, anyone? I'm thinking at least one in September and one in October. I love me some Moab, especially in the fall.

Really good things

I've got some really good things going on around here. Thought I'd share....

**Another successful week in potty training. She's so proud of herself, and I'm so happy to see her reach this milestone. Life is one step simpler.

**A lunch date with a friend who just gets me. When I left, I felt lightened and heard and understood (and I think she felt the same). Thanks, afm.

**Managed to fit in a couple of runs, 2 swim workouts, a brick swim/bike workout, a couple of bike rides, and a little bit of yoga into a very full week. My training is feeling balanced again, and that feels really, really good.

**An opportunity to explore Portland came up, somewhat unexpectedly, and I jumped on it. I'm excited to satisfy a little bit of personal and professional curiosity and check out a city I don't know. And thanks to the generosity of a couple of great friends, I have a place to stay. Thanks, La Familia Staley. You guys rock - TO THE MAX!!

**A very late night/very early morning phone call from Eastern Europe that had me laughing, crying, and missing a good friend very much. Love you, NR. You better show up in Utah soon.

**My sister, who knows just what I need to hear, often before I know it, and who makes sure the right words are texted, said over the phone, or in my email inbox.

**Riley has been asking to go 'camping' and I was a bit hesitant to trek her out to the forest by myself, set up a tent, and indulge her. That just seemed like a recipe for disaster. Luckily, my Dad offered his camper, so this holiday weekend, we're 'roughing it' in his driveway. It will be so much fun for her and me!

**My friend's baby is home and doing well (she was born at 34 weeks and needed several days in the NICU), and my new niece is here and happy and healthy. I am so grateful for these new little ones in my life. Just thinking about them makes me smile.

There is so much to be happy about, so many things to be grateful for...Truly, I am b.l.e.s.s.e.d.

At a loss...

I am a responsible, reliable, resourceful person.
I am strong and confident.
I believe that anything worth doing is worth working hard for.
I can handle almost anything that is thrown at me.
I take a lot of pride in my work.
I take very good care of my daughter and myself.
I do the dishes and the laundry (eventually) and all the rest of the housework.
I do what I say I'm going to do, when I say I am going to do it.
I solve problems with whatever means I have to.
I set goals and I do the work to achieve them.

These are all good things, non?

Because of these things, I have a pretty fantastic life.

So what do I do when the above qualities are the cause of some pretty serious anxiety?
When a goal I set is waking me up at night, worried about how I am going to make it happen?
When this need I have to do my best, to follow through, to finish the game, is no longer a good thing, but it bordering on pathological?

Remember I'm training for LOTOJA this summer? Well, I'm starting to have some serious reservations about whether this is a good idea for me. Here's the thing: I know, I KNOW, that physically I can do it, and I really, really, really want to do it, but I have a lot of training between now and September 11th to truly be prepared. That kind of training takes time. And time is the something I am lacking right now.

According to my training schedule, I should be riding about 150-170 miles a week right now, with a lot of climbing in that mix. This is probably three evening longish rides (about 25-35 miles each) and at least one weekend longer ride (60-70 miles), with a couple of shorter, easy recovery rides thrown in here and there.

I would love to be able to ride this often, but my reality is I am a single mother of a busy almost-three year old, with a full time job. I go to work everyday, do my best there, and then head home and pull a second shift of housework and child-rearing responsibilities. I have friends and family who need me and I need to see, also. I have church responsibilities and other personal commitments and occasionally, I like to take some time to just chill. When I signed up for LOTOJA, I expected my life to look quite a bit different than it does now. Well, it turns out that it doesn't, and I have to work with what I have now. I love to ride - LOVE IT- but I'm just now sure how to fit this level of training into my already overcrammed schedule.

How I am going to work this out is becoming a bit of an obsession. It's honestly keeping me up at night. I tell myself it's ok to just do my best and if I can't do it, then I can't do it....but I don't really believe it. That feels like failure. I tell myself that I'll train up until race day, and if on that morning I don't feel ready, I won't do it...but I can't imagine myself doing that. I'd feel like I had wasted all summer. I tell myself to just bag it now and enjoy the rest of the season, but the thought of not riding LOTOJA, of not crossing the finish line...it makes me ache. I am firmly on a hook, and the really crazy thing is that this hook is all my own doing - I put myself here.

When I take myself out of the story, when it's some other 'full-time-working, child-raising, busy single mom' who just can't find the time to train for an event like this, I can easily hand her some compassion and tell her that her that it's ok, to just do her best and trust that things will unfold hwo they are supposed to. So why can't I summon up that kind of understanding for myself? Why can't I give myself permission to be gentle with myself.

AAAAAaaaarrrrrrrGGGGGHHHHHHH! (think Charlie Brown frustration here.)

The photo on this post was taken last October, in Moab. I love this picture of me because I look so relaxed and so balanced. I remember feeling so happy that day, so in love with life and so enamored with Moab and biking through Arches. Riding used to be an escape for me, a way to get out of my head and into my body. I rode because I loved how I felt when I did, and how good I felt afterward. It made me feel healthy and whole. Now I feel like it's an obligation, just one more thing on my already overloaded 'to-do' list. It's starting to feel like a job.

I know what I need to do. I need to get back to that feeling of freedom, of balance. I need to apply a little bit of trust that this will all work out how it is supposed to. I need to ask for help and accept the offers that have already been given. I need to seriously weigh the benefits of following through and the sacrifices it will take to get there. I need to do all of this, and I plan to.

On my next ride.

Whenever that happens to be.

Oye.

Gearing up....and a small setback

The lottery to ride LOTOJA was held on Tuesday, May 4th and at 1:38 in the morning on May 5, I received an email with this statement:

We hope you are excited to hear that your application HAS BEEN SELECTED. YOU HAVE A SPOT IN THIS YEAR'S LOTOJA!

Yay! Excitement! Jumping up and down (and a little bit of screaming) ensued! I've been excited to ride this for more than a year, and clearing the first hurdle was reason enough to be thrilled.

And then reality set in.

And I realized what I had done.

Oh, my hell!?! Did I really just commit to riding 206 miles, over three major mountain passes, in one day? What on EARTH was I thinking?!?

Several moments of panic occurred. A couple of breathing issues were noted. (I'm not proud of this, but hey, I'm human.)

And then I remembered how I feel when I ride, what reaching this goals means to me, that I can do whatever I set my mind to, and that I can totally, TOTALLY do this.

And now I'm back to good.

But the reality is that there is A LOT of training to do in order to be ready for September 11, and tonight I'm trying to figure out where and how I can work this kind of training into a life that's already stacked with people and commitments, goals and dreams. And how not to go crazy in the process.

To keep it all in one place, I'm going to be updating my progress on this blog so I have a running log of my progress, and to keep me honest and accountable. I imagine posts like the following will be fairly common on here (although I'll be messing with the format some), but I promise to keep up on the other stuff you all read for, as well. :)

TRAINING
Course: Goldilocks Ride
Planned: 60 miles
Completed: approx. 10 miles completed
Notes: Front derailleur broke on the course, forcing me to drop the ride. Fixed immediately following return to SLC. Felt good starting ride. Extremely irritated (to the point of being irrationally pissed off) after ending.
Gear notes: need toe warmers things. Bike is now back to perfect thanks to some love by my favorite bike mechanic.

Randomness

*My cell phone drowned this morning. Resuscitation efforts failed. I am trying to be upset by it, but my first thought was "YES! No one can bug me!", which is a pretty telling statement. I think it might be time to break the crackberry addiction and downgrade to a phone that allows me to talk and text. That's really all I need and being the idea of being "unplugged" is really appealing to me.

*I had my girls over last night for girl talk, pedicures, yummy food and some serious soul filling. It's amazing how, even after a late night, I feel more energetic, refreshed and whole afterward.

*My first triathlon of the season is less than two month away. I'm excited to be back in the swing of things, but am a little bit (ok, a whole lot) nervous. I really need to step up my training to be where I want to be. Brick training, anyone?

*I'm jonesing for a new mountain bike the same way I was jonesing for a roadie at this time last year. I'm not sure why, but the mountains are calling to me this spring. I'm pretty amped about doing some trail running in the next few days, too. The muddier, the better, in my opinion and i can't wait to get out.

*My daughter is, quite possibly, the cutest little person on the planet. I mean, seriously...how can you not agree? This is her 'school' photo from her daycare. I have it on my desk at work because it makes me grin whenever I see it.


*I need a california/see my sister trip. Soon.

*I haven't written a poem every day in March, but pretty close. I'm feeling ok with pretty close.

*I love spring.

*I also love cupcakes.

A year in review: 2009

2009 has been a year of growth for me. 2008 was a year of acceptance, a year of picking up the pieces of a broken heart and shattered dreams. 2009 has been about taking those pieces and putting them back together into a new version of myself, into a better, stronger, happier version of myself. There have been so many shining moments, so many of those times that just take my breath away with the wonder and goodness and joy they contain, that I can't find just one or two that define the whole year.

For me, 2009 was about:

*Embracing the ups and downs of motherhood, and adoring the little girl at the center of it.
*Meeting two little guys who grabbed my heart with their tiny, identical fists.
*Finding many new friendships and deepening relationships with old ones.
*Growing creatively, and finding the words to keep telling the stories that are mine to tell.
*Pushing myself to my limits physically, again and again and again, and realizing how fantastic that feels.
*Seeing my hard work make a difference and add to something bigger than myself.
*Reveling in the love and support my wonderful family gives to me and my girl.
*Celebrating important milestones with friends who are always there.
*Figuring out what i believe and what matters most to me.
*Finding the motivation to push harder and dig deeper.
*Cracking open and allowing the light in.
*Learning when to take some space.
*Realizing that I have everything I need.
*Opening myself up to new possibilities.
*Knowing that I am complete and whole.

As the final minutes of 2009 tick away, i find myself overwhelmingly grateful for the amazing life I live, for every single part of it. For the ups and the downs, the good and the bad, the challenging times and the times that glide by, I am grateful. They've all come together to form a complicated and dynamic rhythm, and I'm happily twirling around and dancing to that song into the next new year.

Happy New Year!

Why I Ride

Somewhere between the Airport and the Marina


I pulled my jeep into one of my usual parking spots. I'm heading out on one of my favorite rides - Airport to Marina. There are a lot of reasons I like this ride; the starting point is close to my house, it's open and flat, so I can work on sprints and increasing my speed, and the scenery changes all along the way.

"Just heading out?" the man in the car next to me asks, watching me pull on my gloves and tighten my helmet.

"Yep" I reply, hoping he'll take the hint. I don't want to talk to him. I want to ride.

"Looks like rain" he warns, eyeing the ominous clouds and looking at me like I might be a little nuts.

"Yep" I reply, checking my brakes and tires one more time.

"Why are you doing this?" He finally asks me. And then the inevitable comment, the one I knew he was waiting to throw out. "It's Saturday evening. You're a pretty girl..." He lets it trail off and waits expectantly, like I am going to put my bike back on the rack and reconsider my evening plans after his observations.

"Yep," I reply. I clip in and I take off. Thanks for your opinion, buddy, but it's my time.

As I start off on my planned 32 mile ride, his words are echoing in my head. "Why are you doing this?" Why am I doing this? After about half a mile, I start to apply some speed. I feel my muscles start to get warm, my quads start to burn. Ah, I love that feeling. The feeling that they have been worked and worked hard not too long ago, but they're ready for what I'm going to throw at them. My breath starts to come harder and faster, my lungs begin to settle into steady breathing. My body is already responding to the challenge. I think to myself "oh yeah. This is why i'm doing this."

I like riding through the airport. It reminds me of my time in the Air Force. The aircraft and the flightlines and the control tower are symbols of a time that meant a lot to me, that taught me many lessons. I let my mind run over the places, the people, and the experiences I was lucky enough to gain through my military service as I push myself through this area. As I ride, I think of some friends I have who are now serving in Iraq, one in particular. He's a biker, too. I send good vibes to him and to all those serving as I pedal through an underground tunnel. "Aaron, when you get back, we are riding this path together" I tell him this, out loud. This gets some weird looks from the guy who just passed me, but I don't care. (And Aaron, we WILL ride together soon.)

My body and my bike respond together as the miles tick off on my monitor, and the airport gives way to a business park. This is my least favorite part of the ride, but it's not too bad. I like the streetnames. Amelia Earheart Drive. Charles Lindenbergh Way. There is a ford Mustang that is always parked in front of the Shell station with a vanity plate that says "heybabe". I don't know why, but this always makes me smile. The gas station attendant always waves at me. This makes me smile, too.

The business park gives way to a frontage road that borders i-80. I love this part of the ride. I am working on my speed, so I do some sprint drills. From sign to sign, I sprint, then I slow down. I sprint, then I slow down. I do this for about 3 miles and this leaves my legs burning, my chest heaving, but still, I feel good. I feel alive and I take this time to marvel at the amazing creation that our physical selves are. I can run, I can jump, I can bike, I can dance. My body has grown a child. I think about these things and I think again "oh yeah, that's why I ride".

By now, I'm moving quickly, trying to keep the speed up as I race along the frontage road. I'm not full out sprinting, but i'm really close. I feel my lungs open up a little bit more, I feel my quads push a bit harder, and I feel something shift in me. I'm out of my own head and into my body fully now. An unconnected part of my brain watches the miles tick by on the monitor, watches the familiar scenery pass by my eyes, but I'm totally on autopilot, pushing myself as hard as I can. I race like this for quite a while, in competition only with myself, but feeling like I'm winning anyway. After a while, something clicks and I realize that I'm approaching the halfway mark of todays destination. I slow down, enjoy the quirkiness of Saltair as it comes into closer view and I marvel at how much speed I was able to put on and how long I was able to maintain it. Oh yeah, this is why I ride.

At the marina, my halfway point, I ride out to the edge and watch the sailboats as they return home. I love the water, I love boats, but I'm not here to admire them. I'm here because I'm working on my own goals, building my own cathedrals (thanks, other Amy xxox) and I need to get back on the road.

The ride back is usually easier, but the wind turned on me and instead I find myelf fighting a strong, steady headwind. My already tired muscles protest this change of plans, but they are loyal and they give up the complaints soon enough and keep working. They ache, I'm tired and this is suppposed to be the easier part of the ride. To keep my mind occupied, I start to do one of my favorite mental exercises...I start to list the things i'm grateful for. And to add a little spice to my ride, I decide to think about each thing for the space of half a mile. I begin, of course, with my daughter and the half mile is filled with her smile, laughter and funny little words. Next comes my sister, which leads into thoughts about her twins and husband. My mom, my aunts, my grandma, my dad are all juxtaposed with thoughts of gratitude directed towards my friends, the person who invented floor cleaner that gets out baby puke, and my deep and unwavering gratitude for the person who convinced me to try road biking (Candace, I so love you). This little mind game does what it always does for me: the miles fly by, i feel peaceful and blessed and very loved and before I can even get through a minor portion of my gratitude list, I realize I am almost back to my jeep, and in the distance that has passed, I have found miles of peace.

Oh, yeah. This is why I ride.

I finish up the ride with muscles burning and I know I'll be feeling them for a while. It was a tough one, because of the distance, the strenuous speed drills and fighting the wind most of the ride. But my mind feels clearer, my body is tired and I know that rest will comes easily tonight.

As I load up my bike, I am feeling calm, mellow and a little sleepy. The threatened rainstorm never did appear and I am happy to have been out in the mountain air for a while tonight. I pull out and just as I am pulling up to a traffic light, I look to the truck next to me. The driver also has his riding gloves still on and he glances at me and takes in my helmet-mussed hair and my bike on the rack on the back of my car. I can see the smudge of grit around his face where his glasses were, and I know I have an identical one on my face, too. He smiles at me, and I smile back.

"Hell of a night for a ride," he comments through our open windows. "You look like you took on the whole 32. Even with that headwind, you can't beat that."

"Yep, I did," I say, and smile. "I'm tired."

"Well, that's why we ride," he says as the light turns green.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Choices

It's Thanksgiving today, and it is the first holiday since Riley was born that I have not had her with me. Although I didn't expect it, this has been very hard on me. I love my little girl more than anything, but I also very much enjoy the time I have to myself when she is with her dad. I expected today to be more of that enjoyment, but instead it has been bittersweet...a day to be grateful for the many good things in my life, while missing the one person for whom I am the most grateful.

Because the weather has been somewhat decent today, I chose to get a little more biking in before the snow hits and this becomes impossible. Doing something physical seems to allow my mind the space needed to work itself through whatever it has been wrestling with, and today was no exception. I started to think about the choices that I've made that led me to a point where I was punishing myself on a cold, unforgiving trail on Thanksgiving day, instead of cozied up in my house, surrounded by the sounds and scents of the holiday, enjoying time with my kiddo and family.

I thought the holidays of past years; savored the memories of those particularly sweet, felt icy tears freeze on my cheeks when remembering a few that still sting. And then, in typical Amy fashion, I started questioning myself. For being lonely without my daughter, for being upset over things that I think shouldn't matter anymore, for not being good enough, for not being grateful enough. And then, thankfully, the authentic voice that I've learned to trust showed up, and over the next two or three miles, reminded me that its ok to miss those we love when they aren't here, that its ok to acknowledge that things are hard, and that I am good enough for whatever I need to be right now. With the comfort of that voice echoing through my thoughts, my mind started thinking again about the choices that led me there, and I decided to let some of this junk go.

We make choices based on what we know about ourselves and those in our lives and the world around us at the time, but it's always based on incomplete information. We can't know what might be around the next corner, or what someone else is really thinking, or how things might change overnight, so we take what we know and roll the dice. We make our choices and we take our chances and we get what we get. Sometimes we are handed the most painful, heart-wrenching experiences we can imagine and sometimes we are handed pure spirit and love wrapped up in a blond haired, blue eyed baby girl.

I thought more about this conclusion as I showered off the mud and slush of the ride, and prepared to meet some of my family for the traditional thanksgiving meal. If I could, would I make any different choices? Would I trade this somewhat lonely holiday for anything different, knowing that might mean a different life, different child, different circumstances?

I put away my helmet and caught sight of her winter coat and mittens. My shoes were set to rest by her singing guitar and favorite doll. I moved a small pink sock off the dining room table and gathered up her assorted sippy cups that are always strewn around the house. And I thought that the choices I made led me up to a life where I'm her mama, where I get the priviledge of finding the other sock and washing the sippy cups, but also teaching her right from wrong and how to read and how to love. I get the effusive hugs in the morning. I get to kiss away the hurts that come with learning to live. I get to hear her babble in her sleep and softly sigh as she begins to wake. For me, there is not other choice.

And for such a life, I am thankful.