Non-Race Report

Tonight, as I am typing this post, I am sitting with my feet in an ice bath. I ran hard yesterday, and even though I just did an easy recovery run and some plyometrics today, my feet are still very sore. My heels are tender and my toes ache. In anticipation of possibly doing an Olympic length triathlon in October, I've been working on my running form and speed, trying to run with more of a forefoot strike. I'm noticing some improvement in both speed and endurance, but I still get this way after a hard run. Normally, I would find a little bit of pleasure in the pain, because I like the feeling of pushing my physical limits a bit further than I had to, I like when I know I have given something my all. But tonight, the achey feet and the ice bath are serving as a reminder that I'm working on running, not biking, like I'd really prefer to be doing.

If you've been following my blog for a while, you might remember that I had plans to ride LOTOJA tomorrow. It's something I've wanted to do for years, and something that I have been eagerly anticipating and working towards. I have spent lots of time training for it, lots of time thinking about training for it, and lots of time talking about training for it. I have driven people I love nuts with my obsession for cycling in general, and this race in particular. But in about July, it became clear to me that it was very likely not going to happen for me, at least not this year.

The physicality of this goal wasn't the reason I decided not do it. I guess 206 miles could be considered intimidating, but I just saw it as a fun challenge, as a way to force me to push further than I had before. I knew then, and I still know, that I can do it physically, given the appropriate training. But training requires time and dedication, and while the dedication was in place, time is one thing I had little of this summer. My work is very demanding, and the times I had to train (usually when Riley was with her dad) were unpredictable and complicated. I had some personal issues to deal with that took a lot more time and energy than I had anticipated and I ran into a couple of minor health issues that put me out of intense training for about a month. I realized in July that, in order to really be ready for this ride, I would have to do nothing, i mean nothing, besides train for the remainder of July, all of August and the first week of September. Which meant no trip to Oregon, no weekends in Bear Lake, not as much time with my family when they needed me, and most distressing to me, I would have to put Riley with a babysitter every day of every weekend for about 8-10 hours.

I couldn't bring myself to commit to this. The cost was way too high, even for a long-held goal.

Letting go of this was not easy. I had several people tell me that it's just a long bike race and not worth the amount of work and worry I was putting into it. I even had one person tell me that it wasn't worth doing because there was no monetary return on the investment *insert head shake/eye roll here*. I know all of this was well meaning, but clearly these people didn't understand me at all, or the drive behind doing something like this. I wanted to ride LOTOJA to prove something to myself, to answer a question I had about my own abilities and to accomplish something new. Letting go of it meant putting these things off for at least another year, maybe more. I realize now that as long as I am single parenting my child, LOTOJA might not happen due to the sheer time commitment necessary. As it stands, I can't do the 5 am rides before work or the long weekend training rides without seriously sacrificing my child's stability. And although I firmly believe it's good for mother's to have goals and ambitions outside of motherhood, I am not willing to sacrifice her happiness and health for this. She needs more than that and she deserves better than that. I guess she'll have to settle for watching me do triathlons, not major long distance bike races. (note to all you single parents out there: triathlon training is much more flexible and easier to fit into a crazy schedule).

I know that I made the right decision, but it still stings. Today, as some of my friends were preparing for their race, I hugged them, gave them very heartfelt good wishes, and then closed my office door and tried not to let the tears fall. Tonight, I am sending them every single bit of light and energy I can, because I love it when people I love do amazing things. I still wish I were racing tomorrow, but I know that tonight, I'm exactly where I should be: soaking my aching feet and listening to my daughter talk to her baby doll in bed.

At a loss...

I am a responsible, reliable, resourceful person.
I am strong and confident.
I believe that anything worth doing is worth working hard for.
I can handle almost anything that is thrown at me.
I take a lot of pride in my work.
I take very good care of my daughter and myself.
I do the dishes and the laundry (eventually) and all the rest of the housework.
I do what I say I'm going to do, when I say I am going to do it.
I solve problems with whatever means I have to.
I set goals and I do the work to achieve them.

These are all good things, non?

Because of these things, I have a pretty fantastic life.

So what do I do when the above qualities are the cause of some pretty serious anxiety?
When a goal I set is waking me up at night, worried about how I am going to make it happen?
When this need I have to do my best, to follow through, to finish the game, is no longer a good thing, but it bordering on pathological?

Remember I'm training for LOTOJA this summer? Well, I'm starting to have some serious reservations about whether this is a good idea for me. Here's the thing: I know, I KNOW, that physically I can do it, and I really, really, really want to do it, but I have a lot of training between now and September 11th to truly be prepared. That kind of training takes time. And time is the something I am lacking right now.

According to my training schedule, I should be riding about 150-170 miles a week right now, with a lot of climbing in that mix. This is probably three evening longish rides (about 25-35 miles each) and at least one weekend longer ride (60-70 miles), with a couple of shorter, easy recovery rides thrown in here and there.

I would love to be able to ride this often, but my reality is I am a single mother of a busy almost-three year old, with a full time job. I go to work everyday, do my best there, and then head home and pull a second shift of housework and child-rearing responsibilities. I have friends and family who need me and I need to see, also. I have church responsibilities and other personal commitments and occasionally, I like to take some time to just chill. When I signed up for LOTOJA, I expected my life to look quite a bit different than it does now. Well, it turns out that it doesn't, and I have to work with what I have now. I love to ride - LOVE IT- but I'm just now sure how to fit this level of training into my already overcrammed schedule.

How I am going to work this out is becoming a bit of an obsession. It's honestly keeping me up at night. I tell myself it's ok to just do my best and if I can't do it, then I can't do it....but I don't really believe it. That feels like failure. I tell myself that I'll train up until race day, and if on that morning I don't feel ready, I won't do it...but I can't imagine myself doing that. I'd feel like I had wasted all summer. I tell myself to just bag it now and enjoy the rest of the season, but the thought of not riding LOTOJA, of not crossing the finish line...it makes me ache. I am firmly on a hook, and the really crazy thing is that this hook is all my own doing - I put myself here.

When I take myself out of the story, when it's some other 'full-time-working, child-raising, busy single mom' who just can't find the time to train for an event like this, I can easily hand her some compassion and tell her that her that it's ok, to just do her best and trust that things will unfold hwo they are supposed to. So why can't I summon up that kind of understanding for myself? Why can't I give myself permission to be gentle with myself.

AAAAAaaaarrrrrrrGGGGGHHHHHHH! (think Charlie Brown frustration here.)

The photo on this post was taken last October, in Moab. I love this picture of me because I look so relaxed and so balanced. I remember feeling so happy that day, so in love with life and so enamored with Moab and biking through Arches. Riding used to be an escape for me, a way to get out of my head and into my body. I rode because I loved how I felt when I did, and how good I felt afterward. It made me feel healthy and whole. Now I feel like it's an obligation, just one more thing on my already overloaded 'to-do' list. It's starting to feel like a job.

I know what I need to do. I need to get back to that feeling of freedom, of balance. I need to apply a little bit of trust that this will all work out how it is supposed to. I need to ask for help and accept the offers that have already been given. I need to seriously weigh the benefits of following through and the sacrifices it will take to get there. I need to do all of this, and I plan to.

On my next ride.

Whenever that happens to be.

Oye.

Gearing up....and a small setback

The lottery to ride LOTOJA was held on Tuesday, May 4th and at 1:38 in the morning on May 5, I received an email with this statement:

We hope you are excited to hear that your application HAS BEEN SELECTED. YOU HAVE A SPOT IN THIS YEAR'S LOTOJA!

Yay! Excitement! Jumping up and down (and a little bit of screaming) ensued! I've been excited to ride this for more than a year, and clearing the first hurdle was reason enough to be thrilled.

And then reality set in.

And I realized what I had done.

Oh, my hell!?! Did I really just commit to riding 206 miles, over three major mountain passes, in one day? What on EARTH was I thinking?!?

Several moments of panic occurred. A couple of breathing issues were noted. (I'm not proud of this, but hey, I'm human.)

And then I remembered how I feel when I ride, what reaching this goals means to me, that I can do whatever I set my mind to, and that I can totally, TOTALLY do this.

And now I'm back to good.

But the reality is that there is A LOT of training to do in order to be ready for September 11, and tonight I'm trying to figure out where and how I can work this kind of training into a life that's already stacked with people and commitments, goals and dreams. And how not to go crazy in the process.

To keep it all in one place, I'm going to be updating my progress on this blog so I have a running log of my progress, and to keep me honest and accountable. I imagine posts like the following will be fairly common on here (although I'll be messing with the format some), but I promise to keep up on the other stuff you all read for, as well. :)

TRAINING
Course: Goldilocks Ride
Planned: 60 miles
Completed: approx. 10 miles completed
Notes: Front derailleur broke on the course, forcing me to drop the ride. Fixed immediately following return to SLC. Felt good starting ride. Extremely irritated (to the point of being irrationally pissed off) after ending.
Gear notes: need toe warmers things. Bike is now back to perfect thanks to some love by my favorite bike mechanic.