2008: the highlights

As the year comes to a close, I am feeling a little bit torn.

One the one hand, I'm happy to have it behind me. It was a year of hard lessons, tough truths, and many nights that ended in exhaustion and tears. It seems like each of the 365 days contained it's own brand of teaching, and many of these lessons were planned in the school of hard knocks. Often, I felt knocked around, seemingly out of faith, cold, tired, and occasionally broken.

On the other hand, it was a wonderful, beautiful year - a year of joy, a year of self-discovery, a year crammed full of love and light . Often, after the day day delivered hard hitting, fist pounding lesson, it kissed away the hurt with small slices of pure love- my baby calling me "mama" and smiling her scrunched up, sunny grin, my wonderful friends who always know the right things to say, the steady and stalwart support of my family.

So I'll accept and acknowledge that 2008 brought both ends of the spectrum, the good and the bad, and I'll offer thanks for both. For the strength, confidence and wisdom that I gained by making my way through the hard times, and the love, light and laughter that adds sparkle to my days. For all of this, and more, I am thankful.

Still, when you reflect on a whole year, some things stick out as the high points, and this is certainly true for me when i reflect on 2008. I thought I'd share some of the best parts of my 2008.

*My divorce - I'm certainly not saying that getting divorced is something that is a highlight of my life, or anything I want to repeat, but I know that it was a good thing for me and very necessary in letting me make some important life changes. Having the legal proceedings finalized allowed me to take steps to move on, both physically, emotionally, and financially, and I will forever be grateful for the signatures on the papers that allowed me that freedom. This isn't to say that I regret being married, because nothing could be further from the truth. I learned a lot, loved a lot and treasure the good parts of my marriage. I walked away with the two greatest gifts I could have been given - a beautiful daughter and the peace of knowing that I did the best I could and had been guided to exactly the place I needed to be in. And now I am given the chance to learn about moving on, forgiveness, and handling difficult situations with grace and compassion. It was a hard blow to me at the time, and there are memories of it that still sting, but being divorced is definitely one of the best things to come out of 2008.

* Traveling to the Bay Area (several times) to see two of my favorite people in the world, a week at the beach in San Diego spent with my mom, sister and daughter, a week in the New Hampshire woods in pursuit of creativity and finding many kindred souls from all over (some as close as my own backyard), a few trips here and there for work...all of these trips healed pieces and parts of my soul and gave me a chance to rejuvenate and refresh. So very needed, each and every one.

*The time I've spent writing this year will forever be one of my highlights of 2008. Besides the promise of seeing my work in print, I am compiling a body of work that I can give to Riley, and hopefully one day she can read it and understand more fully who I am. I want her to know me, the me I am right now, the me that she won't remember but is helping to shape her into the person she will become. I want her to know that while I wasn't perfect, that I stumbled on this weird, twisty path of motherhood, that I love her completely and fully and that I cherish the chance I have to be her mom. 2008 is my first full year of Riley and I am so glad I took the time to write about it - both for her and for me.

* Another amazing thing that emerged in 2008 is the many new friendships i've found. When I take a minute and think of all the new people in my life that weren't there even a year ago, it almost makes me dizzy. I have been blessed with so many new friends- some who came from my creative pursuits, some who showed up through work and other obligations. Attending church more regularly has given me connections with those in my ward. Being back in the dating world has given me a chance to meet new people and through them, more new people. My circle of friends has widened drastically, and Lucky Me- I get to cherish my old friends and enjoy the new. What could be better?

Yes, 2008 was a year of ups and downs, of hard times and good times. But as the last few hours count down, I realize that I am very, very grateful for it.

For the hard times that taught me patience and persistence, for the good times that reminded me to laugh and enjoy. For the family who stands behind me no matter what, for the friends who are always there, no questions asked. For first steps and first words, for first dates and first kisses. For the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. For letting go of the things that hold us back and filling up the well with love and and light and happiness. For faith, and grace, and hope and truth. For all of these things that 2008 brought, I am grateful.

Gratitude Friday

So I started writing today's post last night, and the things that are one my mind, the things for which I am very grateful, are many and varied. As often happens with my writing, one thing triggered another, which triggered something else, and I ended up writing a piece on an event of some significance that is very appropriate for Gratitude Friday.

Here's the thing...It's not really something I want online at this point in time. I would, however, really love some feedback and thoughts on it, especially from my blog-readers. So, if you are interested in reading this and letting me know what you think, please leave a comment here (or email me directly) and i'll send you the piece via email.

And, no....i am not engaged or pregnant. Just so we clarify that right now.

Hope to hear from you soon!

Friday, Friday, Friday

a barn somewhere

It's been a good week. I have had lots of positive experiences and have lots to be thankful for. A quick list:

1. My dryer is now working again. Not a huge problem in the grand scheme of things, but a hassle and an inconvenience I am happy not to have to deal with anymore.

2. I finally found the words...to say what I needed to say, so someone else could hear what they needed to hear. And now we both understand where the other is coming from.

3. My dad, who patiently listened to me go on and on and on, and then made me feel better by calling it "highly intelligent babble" rather than what it really was, which was "a whole lotta crazy"! Love you, Dad. You are truly one of the only people who completely gets me.

4. My daughter's middle of the night singing habit. Sometimes she is awake, sometimes she is asleep. Always, she is adorable.

5. lunch with the girls - cheaper and much more fun than therapy, and yet it accomplishes the same goals...keeps me sane!

Recipe for a perfect morning

Take:

6 FULL HOURS of uninterrupted sleep (hey, it's been over two years since I could claim this)

add:

1 super happy, super cuddly, super kissy baby

combine with:

Chocolate cake for breakfast (for me, cheerios for her)

plus:

an early morning text telling you that someone was thinking about you

equals:



The perfect way to start a day!

I love the above picture because it looks like I was offering thanks for a beautiful, wonderful, sweet child. Which, of course, I was.

***********************************************************

And on another note, some of you have asked if I have a blog for Riley.

Yep.

You can find her at www.me-n-rileybug.blogspot.com

I'm biased, but I think she is the cutest thing on the internet. Here are a few sneak peeks at some of the pics posted there.






Man, oh man! I love this kid!

Because this needs to be put out into the Universe

***I am SO INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL that this week is not last week.***

Gratitude Friday

A quick list of some things I am grateful for today:

1. A community of old friends that are always there, no matter when, no matter what. Your ever-constant presence in my life steadies me and makes me feel safe.

2. A growing community of new friends that are adding spice and sparkle to my life. One of the best parts of change is the new people it brings into your life.

3. Finally letting go of some long held expectations that were holding me back from making some much-needed changes.

4. A special person who asked the right questions and said the right things. Her careful concern and quiet compassion brought light to a rather overcast day. Thanks, JGB.

5. Upcoming life that already is making me incredibly happy and hopeful...I am so looking forward to the arrival of Bamboo and my little Twiggers. I can't wait to meet my little half-brown nephews.

One of the best things in my life....

is being "Aunt Ame".

Choices

It's Thanksgiving today, and it is the first holiday since Riley was born that I have not had her with me. Although I didn't expect it, this has been very hard on me. I love my little girl more than anything, but I also very much enjoy the time I have to myself when she is with her dad. I expected today to be more of that enjoyment, but instead it has been bittersweet...a day to be grateful for the many good things in my life, while missing the one person for whom I am the most grateful.

Because the weather has been somewhat decent today, I chose to get a little more biking in before the snow hits and this becomes impossible. Doing something physical seems to allow my mind the space needed to work itself through whatever it has been wrestling with, and today was no exception. I started to think about the choices that I've made that led me to a point where I was punishing myself on a cold, unforgiving trail on Thanksgiving day, instead of cozied up in my house, surrounded by the sounds and scents of the holiday, enjoying time with my kiddo and family.

I thought the holidays of past years; savored the memories of those particularly sweet, felt icy tears freeze on my cheeks when remembering a few that still sting. And then, in typical Amy fashion, I started questioning myself. For being lonely without my daughter, for being upset over things that I think shouldn't matter anymore, for not being good enough, for not being grateful enough. And then, thankfully, the authentic voice that I've learned to trust showed up, and over the next two or three miles, reminded me that its ok to miss those we love when they aren't here, that its ok to acknowledge that things are hard, and that I am good enough for whatever I need to be right now. With the comfort of that voice echoing through my thoughts, my mind started thinking again about the choices that led me there, and I decided to let some of this junk go.

We make choices based on what we know about ourselves and those in our lives and the world around us at the time, but it's always based on incomplete information. We can't know what might be around the next corner, or what someone else is really thinking, or how things might change overnight, so we take what we know and roll the dice. We make our choices and we take our chances and we get what we get. Sometimes we are handed the most painful, heart-wrenching experiences we can imagine and sometimes we are handed pure spirit and love wrapped up in a blond haired, blue eyed baby girl.

I thought more about this conclusion as I showered off the mud and slush of the ride, and prepared to meet some of my family for the traditional thanksgiving meal. If I could, would I make any different choices? Would I trade this somewhat lonely holiday for anything different, knowing that might mean a different life, different child, different circumstances?

I put away my helmet and caught sight of her winter coat and mittens. My shoes were set to rest by her singing guitar and favorite doll. I moved a small pink sock off the dining room table and gathered up her assorted sippy cups that are always strewn around the house. And I thought that the choices I made led me up to a life where I'm her mama, where I get the priviledge of finding the other sock and washing the sippy cups, but also teaching her right from wrong and how to read and how to love. I get the effusive hugs in the morning. I get to kiss away the hurts that come with learning to live. I get to hear her babble in her sleep and softly sigh as she begins to wake. For me, there is not other choice.

And for such a life, I am thankful.

Friday again

*Warning, this entire blog may not make sense to everyone, but I'm hoping those it refers to will get it.*


This week, I've been thinking A LOT about the wonderful people in my life. I know I often refer to my great friends and family on Fridays, and I absolutely treasure every single one of them. But today, I want to offer up thanks for a few specific people by remembering some moments that really stick out in my mind.

* Over text message.
me: it's a good idea, but its 11 at night. If we still need it tomorrow, I'll find someone. In the meantime, maybe you can say a prayer for us?
her: Of course we will. We always do.

*One little one- who found me in New Hampshire, who reminded me that I am pretty (even without a hair dryer or makeup for a week) who has a big heart that encompasses anyone who needs it, who is an amazing mama to 4 adorable kidlets, who gives great advice, who revised her rules to include TWO handfuls of marshmallows, who lives only a few miles away. It was great seeing you- so glad we are friends!

*My sista from anotha motha (that doesn't sound as cool for girls). Late night pedis=O ring discussions, drama-drama-drama, TMI and stuff I never thought I wanted to know. Love you, SIL. You rock!

*In person convo, about men in general, and one in particular.
-me: "I don't know. No, I do. No, I don't. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this." (insert dramatic sigh and full body flop on her couch). "Why do I have to do this? WHY?"
-her: "This is a conversation 15 year olds would have."
-me: "I know. I know. I know. Do you mind that?"
-her: "Not at all! I love that!"

*late night phone conversation
-me: "I want a list. I want a list, list, list, list, list. I NEED a list. I need a list, list, list, list, list. I like lists. I do well with lists. I understand lists. "
-her: "Well, there is a list. I can give it to you in spanish. Which you don't understand."
-me: "I want an english list. This will be easier for me if I have an english list."
-her: "You can write as many lists as you want. The Big Guy just might have other items for your list that are not apparent to you right now."
-me: "Dang it. He's always messing with my lists."
-her: "Don't I know it."

I am so grateful for these types of people in my life. What would I do without you guys to remind me how far I've come, talk me off the ledge, and provide your own brand of friendship and love? Thanks. With everything I am and all I'm trying to be....thanks.

He's got Mad Skillz!

My bro-in-law is very talented with Photoshop. He has doctored up a few pics with his gorgeous wife (hey, she improves any photo) and they just crack me up. Thought I'd share...

Iron Chef Becky



And a pic of my very-preggo sister in her movie premiere.



If you read Beck's blog you have probably seen these. Still, who couldn't use a laugh again.

Introducing my new boyfriend....

I don't usually talk about the guys I'm into on my blog, but I'm really excited about this one, so I thought I should give him a shout-out.

He's tall (6'7") athletic (as noted by his profession) and so incredibly HOT! I'm pretty sure he has alot of money, but I haven't hacked his bank account yet, *ahem* I mean, we haven't talked about money yet. It's still too new for that.

Please meet Kyle, my new boyfriend.



Now, Kyle is a little younger than me, but he's incredibly mature, so it's something we can work through. In fact, we often look to Demi and Ashton as our role models for how to make this relationship work, which is really handy since Kyle looks so much like Ashton. I"m including pics of both so you can see the resemblance.


Kyle (my boyfriend)


Ashton (Demi's husband)

I was going to include pics of me and Demi to show you how much we look alike but I didn't want to hurt Demi's feelings or make her feel inferior. I'm really compassionate like that.

Anyway, Kyle is just super and our relationship is getting stronger and stronger. I've seen him twice at the Smiths by my house and once at the Gateway. He waved to me in the car once, too, and I'm certain it was because he thinks I'm hot and not at all because I ran in front of his car so he had to swerve to miss me. And I'm certain he always waves with his middle finger...I think it's something french. He's very sophisticated, my Kyle. I really like that about him.

Anyway, he is really great and we are very happy. I don't get to spend much time with him now, since he's in the middle of his season, but it's great because I can do my own thing. I'm independent like that, which he really likes. But no matter how busy I am, I always cuddle up on his couch wearing his creighton jersey to watch him play ball, and I know he likes that. I make sure to fold his shirt up just like he had it and turn the alarms back on when I leave. I only had to break a window that once, and he was totally understanding. He didn't even give that police detective my name, and I know he has it in his phone. I snuck into his house in the middle of the night to program it for him. That's the kind of girlfriend i am....always thinking of my Kyle and trying to make his life a little easier, but not really needing the thanks. He works so hard, I just want to help.

Well, just wanted to let my blog friends in on my new relationship. I know you guys wish me the best and I'll try to bring him along caroling this holiday season. I have a weekend all picked out and he'll for sure be in town because it's a bye weekend, so just plan on us showing up at your house singing Christmas Carols. He might look a little freaked out, and ask you to call the cops because he's been kidnapped and forced to sing random Christmas songs to people he doesn't know, but he's just kidding. He's funny like that. Also, the handcuffs....they are just a fashion statement.

Gratitude Friday

James and I at the TCU/UU football game .....see what i mean? Old friends are the best!

A reader emailed me this week and asked me if I only think about the things I am grateful for on Fridays. The answer to that question is No, Absolutely not. I try to take the time to notice and be grateful for the many, many, MANY good things in my life on a regular basis. I try to build a regular practice of gratitude into my life by doing small things such as making sure to thank those that serve me (store clerks, waiters, etc.) and by pointing out to my daughter all the good things in our lives (yes, she is probably too young to understand but I want it to be a habit). I take time to think about and offer up thanks for the abundance in my life, and I really believe that because I do notice and I am grateful, more comes to me to be grateful for.

Does that make sense?

So, on that note, the things I am VERY VERY VERY Grateful for this week include:
1. Finally feeling good after several weeks of being sick. Having some energy is a really nice thing.
2. I moved into my new work office and it's very nice. It's pleasant, light, and efficient, plus it is in a nice building, with convenient parking and mountain dew on tap. Really, could work get any better that this?
3. Amazing family and wonderful friends, both old and new, who make me laugh, make good things great, keep me moving forward, and bring out the best in me. Thanks, ya'all. Love you THIS much!
4. A very exciting opportunity at work has presented itself to me, and I'm all over it. I'm so grateful to have the chance to do something that really excites me and makes coming to work so fun (well, fun for me, but I'm kind of a geek)!
5. Finally, I have some time this weekend to myself to "fill up the well". Although I have a lot going on otherwise, I'm looking forward to taking some time to myself to be nice to me. I work hard and I deserve it. And I'm grateful to be in a place where I can recognize the truth of those words.

As always, i recognize the great things in my life and honor them by taking some time to blog about them.

What about you? What are you grateful for?

Letting Go

Closing my eyes, taking a deep breath, and letting go of...

* the idea that I need to know exactly what is going to happen tomorrow, a week from now, a year from now, or ten years from now
* the belief that I have any control over the choices others make
* the worry that I am not enough
* the fear of making another bad choice
* the anxiety that creeps up when I remember it's not just my feelings that are at stake
* the instinct to close down, to protect myself from being hurt again
* the attachment to the outcome

Just one of those days

Right after her bath.....she wouldn't let me wash her hair, either.

You know how they say you shouldn't pray for patience or you will be sent something (someone) to teach you?

Well, I didn't.

But apparently the Big Guy decided I needed to learn it anyway.

Riley has been a MONSTER today! Adorable, but a complete and total crazy child! She woke up hollering "mom!mom!mom!mom!" and didn't stop demanding complete and total attention until she fell asleep. Church was a nightmare, she didn't take one single nap, and she has totally destroyed my house.

Now I'm trying to get on top of things so I can start out the week on a clean slate and I'm finding little bits of evidence of the way she spent her day.

Examples:
*a dog water bowl full of small riley toys ( I guess she thought they needed a bath?)
*a pile of chewed up gold-fish crackers under the coffee table (guess she didn't want the calories? or maybe she was testing them out for the best tasting one?)
*her baby doll in the washing machine (I guess she thought it needed a bath, too?)
*the remote control stuffed under the couch cushions (she hides things there occasionally)
*The tray of her walker full of milk (she learned how to squeeze the spout of her sippy to dump the contents)
*graham crackers crumbled up in my purse (perhaps she was worried I might be hungry)
*her shoes in the dishtowel drawer ( I wondered where they went to)

Here is the scary thing about all this...I didn't leave her alone AT ALL today. Not for one second! She did all of this while I WAS IN THE ROOM WITH HER!

I'm in for it....I'm so in for it.....

I have a plan though. Check out her blog for the ad.

Gratitude Friday

I've kind of slacked off lately on writing my "gratitude friday" post (blame it on sickness and Halloween) so today I'm back in the game. I really do find it helpful to take a few minutes and focus on the many good things I have going for me.

I have many, many things to be grateful for lately. A quick list:

1. Last weekend was spent in Idaho with my family, and the rest, relaxation and peace that came out of it have done so much to help me pull myself out of the slump I've been in. Sleeping in (thanks again, keith and jamie), time with my nieces, a special gift, and some much needed advice have done wonders to ease my mind and make me re-affirm the things I need to be focusing on right now.

2. The very cold weather here has reminded me to be thankful for a warm, comfortable home, a safe vehicle and my ability to provide for myself and Riley.

3. I am very grateful for my wonderful friends and my amazing family, who have been incredibly kind, supportive and uplifting. I'm also grateful for the new friends i've been making and old ones that I've recently been in contact with. This life is all about connections, and I'm lucky to have such great ones!

4. VERY happy that the U pulled it together in the last two minutes in their win over TCU. Next game, BYU. BSC, here we come!

5. Finally, as always, I am so grateful to have the incredible opportunity to be a mom and to have my daughter in my life. She just delights me in so many ways and I can't imagine my life without her in it. Love you, Bug.

Please, please, please.....VOTE!

I don't usually step on my soapbox on this blog, but I do want to remind everyone (like anyone with any access to any form of media could forget) to get out and VOTE today.

There is a lot at stake in this election. A lot of important issues are at hand, a lot of pressing concerns need to be addressed. The Economy...The Iraq War...Healthcare...the 2nd amendment...Education...The Environment...

The list of concerns and issues could go on and on, and it's up to us to make our voice heard by getting out and casting a ballot. Everyone has, at one time or another, complained about some issue that is being addressed by this electon. In my opinion, you don't have the right to bitch about things if you can't at least show up at the polls.

I don't care what you believe in. I don't care who you vote for. JUST VOTE!

Tagged by my Frister....

I don't usually do these, but I was tagged my my prego with twins sister, so I gotta. Her pregnancy hormones scare me.


8 Favorite TV shows

1. The Office
2. What Not to Wear
3. Army Wives (i know, i know...lame)
4. Sportscenter (yes, I watch it every day)
5. Gilmore Girls (I love it, one of my all time faves)
6. I can't think of any more
7. I don't have time to watch tv
8. Sorry
   

8 Favorite Restaurants
1. My house (i'm a pretty gook cook - who knew?)
2. Mazza
3. Citrus Grill
4. Bombay house
5. I can't think of any others
6. Whole Foods Salad Bar (does this count?)
7. I like sushi, but not from any particular place
8. Oh, I know...Fries from LeBeau's


8 Things that happened yesterday
1. I slept in while Keith and Jamie kept Riley entertained (I *heart* them so much for this!)
2. I took Hallee, Lexi, and Riley to Artic Circle for lunch
3. I hung out at my Aunt Shannon's while Riley entertained everyone there
4. I ate most of Lexi's tootsie rolls
5. Dinner at my mom's
6. I watched the TinkerBell movie with Lexi and Hallee and Riley
7. I put gas in my jeep and was amazed at how cheap it seems now!
8. I took a LOOOONG bath in Jamie's gigantic bathtub

8 Things I look forward to
1. Going to the gym tomorrow and getting back into my workout after being sick FOREVER
2. Thursday, when my new boots will arrive carried by a nice person in brown
3. My Twinner Nephews
4. Visiting my friends in Logan soon (Cam-we need a date!)
5. TCU/UU football game this Thursday
6. Upcoming zen trip with my friend
7. Phone session with my writing coach this week
8. My cough finally completely going away

8 Things I love about fall

1. College Football
2. Professional Football
   
3. Changing leaves
4. sweater weather
5. halloween
6. Jeans and flipflops (perfect combo)
7. butternut squash soup
8. New season of the office
   

8 Things on my wishlist

1. black boots kinda like my new brown boots but a little different
   
2. someone to paint riley's room for me
3. New bike shoes
4. Clean car
   
5. pedicure
6. someone to grocery shop for me. Every week. or whenever I need to go
   
7. My frister to move to SLC for affordable housing
8. I'm not writing details here but there is a big wish on my list that i'm working/hoping/waiting/wondering on. "nuff said.
   

An Open Letter to the Universe:

October 28th, 2008

Dear Universe:

First, I have always been a big fan of your work. I believe in your principles, especially in Kharma and the idea that what we put out into the world comes back to us. I try to live a good life. I try to make the right decisions. I try to be kind and compassionate and generous, knowing that by doing so, I invite those qualities back into my own existence.

I believe that we are given hard times and rough patches to teach us patience and strength. I believe you put experiences in our paths that help teach us things we need to learn. I believe that by being in places that are scratchy and uncomfortable, we have a chance to stretch and grow, to become polished. All in all, I believe that you give us life experiences that help us build character.

I am writing to ask for a break. You see, although I believe in all of the above, I also believe one more thing.

I HAVE ENOUGH DAMN CHARACTER!

Best Regards,
Amy

Taking cover

I am an upbeat, optimistic person. I am known to be a problem-solver and someone who confronts life, and the occasional crap that goes with it, head-on.

So why have I been hiding out at home lately...Ignoring the myriad of demands that I need to deal with?
-the wrecked car
-the piles of laundry
-the cable bill that has an error
-the 'to do' list that is as long as my arm and both legs

It could be because I don't feel well, and haven't for almost three weeks.
It could be because I miss my daughter when she is away.
It could be that a weird experience over the weekend left me feeling a rather raw and vulnerable.
It could be that I'm premenstrual and hormonal and stressed.
It could be that I need to take better care of myself and shutting down is my body's way of driving that point home.

So what do I do about all of this?

I think I'll just go to bed.

under the weather

I've had a few emails wondering where the posts have gone.

Well, dear friends, I've been living in a world of coughs, aches, tylenol (both baby and adult), tissues, sick days, snotty noses, and a little vomit thrown in for good measure.

Hopefully, both the little one and I will be up to speed very soon. In the meantime, your thoughts, prayers, good vibes, etc. are very much appreciated.

XOXO

Because I need to do this....

I gotta say...I've been in a weird funk the last few days, and topped it off with a little fender bender last evening (not my fault, but so annoying). I allowed myself to be in a negative headspace last night, which is usually all it takes for me to be ok with things again. Not so much this time.

So, in an effort to lift myself out of this funk and continue to notice the good things I have, I thought I'd post another little list of things I am thankful for.

* My cute cousin, Megan (pictured above). I talked to her for a while last night, and she never fails to make me smile. She is so sweet and funny and happy, and she has the cutest baby and nicest husband. Plus she has this quirky sense of humor that I just love. Thanks, Meg. talking to you about life and kids and my 'men' made my night.

* I am truly thankful that I have a good job that allows me to support my daughter and myself in a comfortable manner. I know that a lot of single moms really struggle financially, and I am grateful not to have that added stress. It was nice to realize that the car accident yesterday was a mild inconvenience and that I'd be able to take care of it.

* My writing is coming along very well, and I am grateful to have a creative outlet that produces work that I am very proud of.

* Madi and Beckie are my adopted family, and I don't know what I'd do without them. So INCREDIBLY grateful for everything they do for me and for Riley.

* Little thing, but Riley slept all through the night last night, which means I slept through the night last night. So grateful for SIX SOLID hours of sleep (hey, maybe someday we'll get to SEVEN or even EIGHT!)

I know my life is good. I know it. Everyone gets to be in a weird funk every so often.

Gratitude Friday (on Saturday...or rather, early Sunday)

Well, I'm a little late this week, but I still wanted to post a short list of a few of the things I am grateful for this week.

1. My sister who was willing to watch my kiddo while I went to a work conference, even though she is 6 months pregnant with twins. You can read her post on "bug-sitting" here. Love you, sis. You're the best-est frister a girl could have.

2. My brother in law who helped out with the bug-sitting, endured a few middle of the night wake-up calls to help with Riley and rescued me and a car seat at the Oakland Airport. We love you, Gomez.

3. Midol.

4. The chance to attend a really great leadership conference that has relevance to both my professional and personal life.

5. Finally, i am grateful to be home and not to have to travel anywhere in the near future. I am looking forward to some routine, eating meals at home and not on the run, and a normal sleep schedule for both Riley and me. I love traveling, but I'm a homebody at heart.

Even in the busiest of weeks, I am much better off if I find time to be grateful for the many good things in my life.

Truly, I am blessed.

Gratitude Fridays

This morning, I have been thinking about how the little things in life add so much to our existence. For me, these are the things that can make the difference between a nice day and a truly enjoyable one, the things that add spice and sparkle to our existence. So today, I am offering up thanks for the little things I have been enjoying lately:

* that mild ache you feel when you roll over in bed the morning after a good workout. Not too much pain, but enough to remind you that you did a good thing for yourself.
* a few new songs from I-tunes to punch up my workout playlist
* an amazing football game with someone who enjoyed it as much as I did
* cute, fun, colorful new socks for winter (granted, it's 85 degrees here, but still looking forward to wearing them)
* speaking of footwear...flip-flops, jeans and sweatshirt - perfect evening wear in my book
* evenings at the park with my daughter
* changing leaves
* long walks with my dog and my ipod
* chats with my sister on my way to work
* lunch with my newest work friend- she just gets me and I love that

Good Questions

Looking back

A friend of mine sent me an email last night. I have not spoken to her for a while, but she keeps in touch with my life through this blog. She is a counselor for young single mothers who are trying to put their lives back on track and get through school. I truly admire what she does and how much of her heart she puts into her work. I am positive that the goodness she puts out into the Universe will be brought back to her a thousand times over.

She is putting together a "book of life answers" for her work and she asked me to contribute answers to a couple of questions for this book. The sheer act of being asked these questions and trying to articulate the answers has made me really examine a lot of things that are going through my head and heart lately. I woke up several times last night, and each time, my thoughts went back to these questions and how to formulate the answers.

After a lot of thinking, I think I have it. Here are the answers I am sending to her.

Question #1: What is the most important life lesson you have learned over the past year?

My answer: When life brings you to your knees, you have the chance to grow into something more beautiful, more amazing and more authentic, or you can let yourself shrivel into someone bitter and cold. YOU make the choice.

Questions #2: What is the most important thing you have learned about yourself over the last year?

My answer: I can absolutely, positively, without a doubt trust myself 100% of the time. When I listen to what my heart and my soul and my gut are telling me, I find the right path, make the right connections, and do the right things. It's when I don't listen to myself that I find myself hurt, scared and seemingly alone.

So now I'm curious. How would you answer these questions? If you are so inclined, leave your answers in the comment section.

Wondering....

this picture has no significance to the text - I just like it...

I wrote down the first 10 questions that went through my head in a five minute period....pretty interesting insight into my mind.

1. Sarah Palin...Seriously?
2. What did that middle of the night text message mean? Do I even care?
3. Why are these jeans tight today and two days ago they fit just fine? It's not even that time...
4. Is it a better use of my time to stay home and do laundry?
5. What do the daycare providers really think of me?
6. How DO they get the tootsie roll into the center of a tootsie pop?
7. What would Jesus Do?
8. Why does my car smell weird?
9. Did I sign up for this?
10. What am I doing to attract all these passive-agressive, neurotic, obsessive-compulsive, manic-depressive people in my life? (don't worry, I don't mean you.)

Daydreams

Today, I've been daydreaming about....


*Sunshine, the crash of the waves, and digging my toes into the sand
*upcoming Girl's Night Out
*getting a new tattoo (probably won't, but still thinking...)
*next year's vacation with Riley (where to go? Cali again? Mexico? New York? Alaska?)
*upcoming plans of the romantic variety (usually the daydreams are better than the real thing...)
*buying a house and planting a garden
*basketball season
*chicken enchiladas
*biking through the changing leaves
*an enjoyable evening spent hanging at my house, watching Iron Chef with a foodie-type
*this week's U/OSU game (VERY excited for that one)
*finishing one of my writing projects (close-very, very close)

It's been a good daydream day. What are you daydreaming about today?

Gratitude Fridays

This week, I'm so grateful for:

1. Friday and the feeling of exhaustion that comes when you know a job has been well done.
2. College football and a fun, new person with whom to share it.
3. "Ladies who Lunch" and the one who tagged along. Thanks, girls, I needed that.
4. My pseudo-sis and adopted mom, and the realization that I have family just up the stairs.
5. Beginning to see the heart of someone you thought might not have one.

I know it's pretty vague and ambiguous, but believe me, those short sentences wrap up a lot of work, emotion, and enjoyment.

For those things, I am grateful.

End of the weekend

So, after a weekend of catching up and cleaning up and rocking a grouchy baby and downloading music and reading books and cleaning the house and re-cleaning house after the little one throws up all over everything and running errands and buying groceries and paying bills and blogging and downloading pictures and writing and working and trying to call the insurance agency and dealing with a police report for a car break-in and drama and birthday parties and trying to figure out men in general and a few specifically and scheduling appointments and painting and walking the dog and cooking dinner and making lunches and cleaning the cupboards and unloading the dishwasher and folding laundry and fixing the computer and ironing and finding a missing shoe and buying pajamas and cleaning out closets....is it any wonder that I feel a little....overwhelmed?

Still, this little one is at the center of all my days. How can I complain?


My little chocoholic!

Gratitude Friday

A while ago, I began to use Friday blog posts as a way to take time out of my schedule and reflect on the many things I am grateful for in my life. It's been a while since I did this, so I thought I needed to get back into the practice.

First, I am so incredibly grateful for the past weekend at Squam. I met so many amazing people who are serving as terrific inspiration to fuel my creative endeavors. I can already see huge leaps in my writing and I am so lucky to have had the chance to attend this amazing event.

Second, I must offer up thanks to my amazing mother, who stepped in and took over child care duties when my other plans didn't work out so well. My wonderful sister was going to come into town to keep Riley, but her pregnancy with twins (!!) made it more important for her to stay put and see her doctor and take care of herself. Riley had a BALL with grandma, came back spoiled rotten, and learned to say "uh-uh" (great, huh?). Thanks mom! Love you!

Third, I am grateful to have some new direction and goals to work towards. Some of these are related to my writing, some are working to realize some long-held ambitions, and some are just things I want/need to do for myself. I'm a very goal oriented person, so I'm very grateful to have some new plans for myself.

Finally, I must acknowledge the new energy that I seem to have found, and be grateful for it. If you read back a few posts ago, you know that I have been feeling a littel out of sorts and on edge, and not really certain why or what to do about it. I felt like I needed some change but unable to figure out how or where. After exploring those feelings and reflecting on what they could mean, I talked to my absolutely amazing friend, Stormy, about how I was doing and what those feelings meant. Stormy, in her open, loving, honest way gave me some good advice, offered some perceptive and accurate insight, and then talked me through some of the emotions. This, plus some time away from my "real life" really helped me to sort out what I was feeling and how to deal.

As usual, once I start counting the good things in my life, I find it hard to stop. But I have things to do and places to go, so this is it for today. I am truly blessed. I am grateful.

Reflecting

reflections in Logan International Airport - Boston, MA Sept. 15, 2008


It's been a few days since I returned home from what turned out to be an amazing trip to New Hampshire. I went there to accomplish a few things: concentrate on my writing, enjoy a new part of the of the country, soak in the collected creative vibes that occur when a group of creative, soulful, inspired people gather, and push myself to reach new levels in my chosen creative pursuits (wow, I don't think I've ever used the word "creative" so many times in one paragraph. Yes, I am a writer...)


The dock off my cabin

All of those things occurred, plus a thousand other wonderful moments along the way.

Some highlights:

Meeting amazing, wonderful, talented people who are embracing their talents in writing, music, art, photography....every creative pursuit you can image. The energy that was all around was simply incredible.

A poetry class that pushed me to work this genre into my writing, even though it's not my favorite or one in which I am necessarily very skilled.

Having a writer whose work I really respect tell me that I needed to publish...very, very soon. That I was ready.

A bonfire in which the lovely, talented Jonatha Brooke performed. I have loved her music for quite a while. Imagine my delight in having her for a cabin-mate, and hearing from her the first hand accounts of "rock star life" (hint: it involves staying in and knitting) and how hard she works to get her music out there. She is a very kind person with a down-to-earth perspective on life.

Falling asleep every night, exhausted from the intense day, but knowing it was productive and took me places I would have never reached otherwise.






I came home a day earlier than planned, exhausted and ready to see my baby. But I think this picture sums it up pretty well. I left happy, inspired, satisfied with my time spent there, and ready to keep pushing myself to new levels.

Waiting for Change

We've all heard that the cheesy lines about the feeling the "winds of change" , right?

I didn't really understand what that meant until recently.

I've dealt with change my whole life. Some changes I embraced, some I struggled against. Some I accepted with grace. Some I just ignored.

Change is something that I don't think that much about. I've come to a point in my life where I accept that everything can change...people, situations, minds, beliefs. Nothing is constant.

That's not bad. It's not good. It just is what it is.

But lately, I'm really feeling "the winds of change". I feel like I should be actively pursuing some sort of shift in my life. The problem is that I don't know what this shift is or where it should happen or what it should be. There is a lot of potential for me to affect these changes, but should I do it? I can't tell.

I expressed this to a friend of mine and he pointed out that a lot in my life has changed recently...new baby, single mom, new priorities, new responsibilities, new people. His suggestion was just to let things ride and see how they go.

I can see the wisdom in waiting and watching, but I'm struggling with the idea of sitting with the restlessness, of waiting for the answer.

Does everyone feel like this sometimes?

New photos of Riley and me...

To celebrate Riley (and my) upcoming birthday, our awesome friend Carrie took photos of us.  I posted my favorites of Riley's on her blog, but wanted to post my favorites of the two of us together here.  She did a great job...I love how they turned out. 

Obviously, this isn't a photo of Riley and I, but I love how it turned out.  Goofy, silly, fun...

MORE GREAT NEWS!

The secret I've been keeping for a while....Becky and Joey are going to be parents!

The secret that caught everyone off guard....

TWINS!!!

Feeling Groovy!

Hallee and I on my Mac photobooth...she definitely is one groovy kid!

I have so much to be happy and excited about lately.  Thought I'd share a few things that are making me especially happy today....

-  Secrets that only I know....much more to come on that in the near future!

-  My daughter is growing so much every day....talking non-stop, singing, clapping, high-fives, goofy smiley faces, trying to walk, big wet sloppy kisses, into everything...I love it and it totally makes up for the two molars she has on the way. 

- Time with my family...sleepovers with my nieces, visits with my sister, late night mani/pedis with my sister in law, birthday parties, planning holiday trips...i can't get enough!

-Amazing friends, old and new...there are a lot of wonderful people in this world.  I am lucky enough to count a bunch of them as friends!  So enjoying the familiarity and security of old relationships and the excitement and anticipation that is part of making new friends.  

-  Productive, meaningful work....I mean, it's work, but I still enjoy it, look forward to it, and feel good about it..how many people can say that?

- Feeling happy and healthy and alive...between a rough pregnancy and the rather intense year that followed, it's been a while since I felt totally on top of things, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually...  But I'm getting there, feeling great, and enjoying it...and that is so awesome!

-  Lots of good writing going on...some just for me, some just for Riley, some to be published (*fingers crossed*) but it's been going really well lately.  

- Upcoming writing workshop...I'm really looking forward to this...new places, new people, new ideas...just exactly what I need right now!

I know I have taken a rather long break from blogging, but it's because I have so much to do and so much to enjoy that I haven't had time to get it all down.  Not a bad reason to be absent, but still, I'm trying to do better.  

What are you happy about these days?  Leave it on my comments so we can all enjoy!

Update post

Sorry for my absence from the blogging world. My work world and mom world and visiting my sister world and trying to have a life world have sucked up all my time lately. I have plans for a new post in the very near future! I promise....

And the award for Best Aunt Ever goes to....

I spent this Fourth Of July gettin' down and groovy to MILEY CYRUS with my neice, Shawnee. A few months ago, I scored (with Joey's help) tickets to the Stadium of Fire, starring MILEY CYRUS! The BlueMan Group performed, as well, but for Neen, the night was all about MILEY!

The day began with a trip to Bear Lake to switch kids. I picked up Shawnee and we headed for Provo. She was SUPER EXCITED...I've never seen her so amped about anything in my life. She even said it was better than Christmas.


holding her ticket up outside of the Stadium. She practically danced from the car to the stadium!



After much deliberation, she picked out her first concert T-shirt. This was my favorite one, too.



View from our seats. Not the best in the house, but not bad.



The whole night was worth it for this smile. She was so enthralled with the whole event!



Sky-divers from the Military brought in the service flags.


Glenn Beck talked about the meaning of the colors of the flag.




Members of the National Guard led the National Anthem.




F-16s from the 419th Fighter Squadron (my old unit!) flew over the stadium, much to Shawnee's delight!



The BlueMan Group performed, which was a lot of fun!



Shawnee "Raisin' the Roof" to the BlueMan Group!



Finally, Miley Cyrus took the stage. Shawnee was so excited that she started to cry. So cute!

The concert was a lot of fun. Neen's favorite song was "Girl's Night Out" because Miley had the girl's stand up and sing with her. I liked "See You Again" best, but probably because it's the only song I know.

The night ended with an AMAZING firework's display that lasted a long, long time.





On the way out of the stadium, Shawnee ended up standing about 2 feet away from the BlueMan Group members as they went back into their dressing room. She was so tired that she didn't even notice until I nudged her and pointed it out. They all looked right at her with their weird, freaky eyes! She was out cold almost immediately once we got on the road, but not until she called her Dad and Grandma Nita.

It was such a fun night, and I'm so glad I got to do this with Shawnee. Plus, she paid me the ultimate compliment.

"I'm so glad you are my aunt. You are totally in the Now Version..."

High praise, indeed.