Christmas Eve Sunset in Emigration Canyon, 2010Well, it turn out that over the past year, life has handed me the opportunity to begin building exactly what I want.
When I went to basic training, there was all this talk of "tearing down so you can be built back up". And basically, the drill instructors did just that. They annihilated every sense of self you might have gone into the military with, and then they put you back together into what you needed to be to function and thrive in that very new, very different world. You essentially learned how to walk, talk, eat and sleep in a way that supported "the mission". Brutal? Yes. Effective? Very much so.
Once the basic form was intact, the pressure let up, new training was applied, and you became what you were supposed to be, all tied up with medals and rank and a dress ribbon or two. On the day of my basic training graduation, I was so. damn. proud. of what I had done and who I had become. And I knew -I KNEW- that without the brute force and the humbling experiences and the moments that brought me to my knees, I would not have been as strong, as confident and as solid as I felt in that moment.
A big lesson for a 19 year old to learn, no?
In reflecting on my word of the year, I realize that this year has been defined by a lot of destruction work. Over and over again, I found myself questioning the things I thought I already knew, wondering if the life I thought I wanted was really the right life for me. I found myself doubting my decisions and evaluating my beliefs and weighing my options, and there was a whole lot of uncertainty and insecurity that hadn't been there before (or maybe, I was ignoring before). Many times, I felt like I was barely hanging on by my fingernails and I made some decisions that were just not good ones. I let myself make choices that I knew were not the best for me, I traded short term for long run, and tried to ignore the tiny whispers and then increasingly loud shouting that was coming from my heart. Then, because I believe in being thorough when I'm screwing up, I let the twin demons of guilt and shame mess around with my head while I tried to sort out how to uncover a life I recognized from the rubble of truth and consequences.
Finally, finally, I hit my limit. I'd had enough. I crawled out from under the wreckage, grabbed a sledgehammer and started pounding my way through all of this. I fired the voices in my head and began listening to my heart (they still keep trespassing but I'm getting better about recognizing them and chasing them away). I let go of some garbage that was clouding my judgment. I made some tough decisions that helped me get my life back on track, and then went through an even tougher process to erase some of the damage. I opened up new space in my soul by offering forgiveness to myself for the mess and then opened even more by offering forgiveness to others for past hurt i was holding onto. This whole process was, at times brutal, was very often humbling, and brought me to my knees time and time again. Still, it was exactly what I needed. Life broke certain parts of me down so I could 'build' myself back up into the person I wanted to be.
So even though the year is coming to its end, and my year of building didn't produce the grandiose changes I had envisioned for myself, I am happy with what I have built in the year 2010. It was a hard year, and at the end, I find that I'm more sure of myself and have a much more solid handle on who I am and what I believe. My values are more defined, my confidence is stronger and my heart and head are aligning on some very important points. I'm embracing faith in a way I wasn't able to before and I'm learning to offer myself some grace and self-compassion. I know what I want out of my life and I am committed to getting it. I'm building on past triumphs and past failures and I'm putting in a good, solid foundation for what I want for my (and my child's) future. I'm in a good place.
I'm in a very good place.
