Rollercoaster at Belmont Park Mission Beach, California
One of the most beneficial things I have done while going through a divorce, becoming a mom (and a single mom, at that) and experiencing the huge life upheavals that have been part of my world over the past nine months is participating in my writers group. In addition to providing good feedback and suggestions that have helped hone my skills as a writer, it has also been a wonderful place to vent my emotions and form bonds with women that I only know through the internet (although I will meet some in September!) . They have provided a "safe place" to work through issues and have, at times, waded into the muck to help me really get to the heart of what I'm feeling and experiencing, and consequently, what I am writing. Apart from my sister, these are the only people who know the entire story -all the subplots and surprise twists - of the past year or so of my life.
I was talking with one of the women in my group recently and she was telling me about her divorce, which had recently been finalized . Our divorce experiences are completely opposite. I feel like a divorce was the absolutely best thing that could happen for me and my child. She does not. I truly believe that I did EVERYTHING I could do to make my marriage work. She feels like she didn't try hard enough. I feel that I am a good, strong mother for my child and that she's better off with a stable, emotionally healthy mom, even if that means we are a single parent family. She believes that she is not a good mom and she is hurting her children by taking them away from their father. I celebrated my divorce being finalized with a party thrown by some work friends, a day at the spa with my sister, a diamond and sapphire ring (my divorce ring) purchased for me by me, and a lovely "first date after divorce" with a man who has become a cherished friend. She took her kids to her mom's, holed up under her covers with a bottle of tequila and a watched old re-runs of "flavor of love".
We laughed over the differences in our experiences, and then she asked me a question I have thought a lot about over the past few days.
"Doesn't it feel like you are on an emotional rollercoaster most days?" she asked.
Um...yes. Hell, yeah! Absolutely! No doubt about it! Affirmative!
But what I keep mulling over is "why is that a bad thing?"
Even though I know that ending my marriage was the best thing to do for me and for Riley, should it have been easy to just walk away? Does being able to easily detach emotionally mean that we aren't as invested as we should be in a marriage? Maybe not to everyone, but for me, yes, this is true. It was hard and it should have been hard. I spent many sleepless nights wondering if I was doing the right thing. But worrying and working it out in my head made me SURE that I was making the right decision. I worked harder on my marriage than I have worked on any other relationship and walking away from that meant I had to accept that my efforts to make things work were not going to solve the problems and the only way for Riley and I to have a healthy, stable life was to go at it on our own. Knowing this doesn't mean that I immediately felt like I was fine. Instead, I had to wrestle with all sorts of emotions: fear, relief, sadness, happiness, insecurity, confidence, pain, peace. It was not unusual for me to feel all of these, and more, in the space of a few hours. And I still do sometimes.
Talk about emotional rollercoaster.
During the months leading up to the separation, and ultimately the divorce, X acted in ways that shocked, saddened, hurt and infuriated me. His actions made it a lot easier to change the locks and file the papers, but still, it was hard to come to grips with the fact that I had invested every available resource into making something work and it just wasn't going to. I'm not saying that I am blameless in the situation, far from it, but I also know in my heart that I gave EVERYTHING I could have, definitely more than I should have, and those efforts weren't matched on the other end. I am glad to be done with my marriage and I'm happy to have the divorce final. It feels good to be free to live my life with only Riley and I in mind. But I'm lonely sometimes. I miss the friend I used to have in x. I miss having someone around to bounce things off of. I am looking forward to moving on and exploring new things. I'm enjoying the anticipation and excitement of new relationships. I am still saddened that my marriage ended like it did. I'm still angry and hurt by some of the events. I know I'm in a better place but the way I got here still stings. Again, many contrasting emotions that lead to the "emotional rollercoaster"effect.
Even on the days where I am having a rough time, and my emotions are all over the place, it's better for me to acknowledge that I feel this way and honor those feelings. My marriage wasn't nine years of sheer torture. Some of it, a lot of it, was great! I have some amazing memories that I still cherish, even though the relationship is over. I had friend that I loved, even though we aren't close now. I can enjoy the memories of past relationships with Xs family, even though we aren't family anymore. Most of all, I have my baby girl, who is my joy, my love and my heart personified. Yes, I have the hurt, the pain, the anger, and the disappointment. But I also have the relief, the strength, the confidence and the peace that came as I worked through this trying time. I would sign up to ride the emotional rollercoaster all over again if it meant the same outcome I received. Overall, I'm pretty happy with the life I entered as I came through the ride and am proceeding out of the gates.
So yes, I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster, and yes, sometimes I still do. But I'm ok with that because it means I'm honoring my feelings and acknowledging the good and the bad that are inherent in any kind of intense experience. Marriage is an intense experience. Motherhood is an intense experience. Divorce is an intense experience. Life is an intense experience. I am choosing to embrace the good and the bad that come with all of them. I'm a better mom, writer, friend, sister, daughter, aunt, and (maybe someday) wife, because of them.
Kenna, your divorce sucked. So did mine. So did probably 99% of them. But you made it. You are a good mom. You are a good writer and you are one hell of an amazing person. Keep up the good work and please know that I am here for you. And if you want to spend the weekend under your covers with a bottle of tequila again, I will pass on the shots but i'll come hold your hand. We can ride the emotional rollercoaster together. Sometimes it's a lot better with a friend along for the ride.
