Wrapping up

There are still loose ends left over from my marriage and my pre-mama life, and I am feeling a desperate need to tie them up. If you have ever met me, you know I am the type of person who likes to have things done, taken care of, completed (Hey, I'm a Virgo). Loose ends bug me, and I have quite a few right now.

Taxes for starters. I didn't want to have to file with X, but since we were married for all of 2007 and since it makes better financial sense for me ( I don't really care about his finances, although it benefits him, too) we are filing together. Guess who is in charge of getting it done.... Yep, you are right, that'd be me. But I am charging X my consulting rate to do said taxes, so he will be paying me $100/hour for me to complete my own taxes. Plus the refund goes to Riley's college savings, so i guess it's an okay deal all around.

I also am in the process of changing my married name back to my maiden name, and it is truly amazing all the places that have me listed as Amy Wuthrich-XXXXXX or Amy XXXXXX. I have been keeping a list of all the places I need to contact to change it, and I noticed the other day that every time I cross one item off the list, I write down two more. Will it ever end? I've been Amy Wuthrich-XXXXXX for so long that it feels like I'm burying a part of my life (which I am, I guess) and trying to resurrect a whole different person. So weird. And sort of bittersweet. When things were good, I loved being Amy XXXXXX. When things weren't, the name was just another reminder of the problems. Still, the name has to go...one more thing to wrap up.

Another thing I'm working on is getting my house put back together after the "operation IWAD" or the installation of the washer and dryer. This took major plumbing and electrical work, which necessitated several large holes in the wall, so I have a few things still to patch up and paint. I'd really like to get these taken care of, but all I have been doing lately is working and taking care of Riley, so these things get put to the side. I'll get them done soon, I hope. Very soon.

Finally, I am working on finishing a very large project that dates clear back to the "30 by 30 list" (I'll post on that sometime soon, for those of you in the know about the list). It's almost done, just a few more things to do, but i can't seem to find time to get them done and out of my way. I keep telling myself I'll feel SO MUCH better when it's completed. Still, at the end of the day, after Riley is asleep, the dog is fed, laundry is folded and dishes are done, and I can either work on this project or go to bed....Well, let's just say that sleep has been winning the war so far.

I'm working towards getting these things taken care of, but I can see it will still take a while. Oh, well. Here's to getting things done and moving on!

Gratitude Friday

It's been a hard week. I am grateful it's almost done.

Observations from Cafe Niche

One hour...one stolen hour in which to get away from the realitites of my daily life and take myself to lunch at a little cafe I've been wanting to try. No time to do this, other than hours I steal from an already hectic day.

Although lunch with company is nice, being alone has it's benefits. I can sit quietly and focus on getting some words down that have been bouncing around inside my head all morning. Once I commit them to paper they become more concrete, become part of my reality.

I can also indulge in one of my favorite solitary pastimes: people-watching. This seems to be a good place for it.

There is the man sitting directly in front of me. He is odd-looking; his features slightly off center, his hair in need of a comb. He is on him computer, laughing, smiling, typing enthusiastically. Checking his MySpace? Maybe...but I tam more inclined to think he is IMing his friend from work, the one he is secretly interested in. But he's always been the slightly weird, slightly off-center work friend, so she IMs him, confident that she means more to him than vice versa. He is the one that girls confide in about their love life and their secret desires to get a boob job. He is not the one they love.

My hair stylist is here. She hasn't noticed me yet. She is blonde today, her hair styled in a short, modern bob with bangs. The last time I saw her, she had shoulder length dark hair. I haven't seen her, though, since I had my baby. A lot can change in 6 months. She is with a man, which is interesting since last time I saw her she was dating a woman. I'll have to ask her about that next time I see her.

The three women sitting to my right are discussing their children, husbands, ex-husbands and vacation plans. The all seem to have many of each. The brunette with the bling keeps mentioning her son-in-law "you know, he is a professor at MIT". She's pretty impressed with his faculty appointment at MIT. "He's only 35, you know." Apparently, he went to Princeton for his undergraduate degree and Stanford for his graduate work. I want to ask her what he studied, what his dissertation was on, is he published?

There is a couple on my left who are going through a rough time. He looks angry and she has that haunted, trapped look that women in unhappy relationships acquire. I recognize the look; I've seen in myself before. Watching them makes me sad...sad that relationships are so hard, that the joy that once was felt between two people somehow morphs into this sludge that actually changes how they look. He is curt with the waiter and she shoots him a reproachful glare. "Be nice" she hisses at him when the waiter turns his attention to someone else. "I am" he shoots back. "He's an idiot and he is going to get the order wrong". She looks away, not knowing how to change the course of this conversation. He looks at her, annoyed, and then shifts his gaze to his phone. He is recieving a text message that is much more important than his conversation with her. This exchange is familiar to me. I've been in it before. I pause, and silently offer up a request for the Universe to offer this woman some peace, a reprieve from her unhappiness, a chance to find the path that is right for her. Then I offer a prayer of thanks that I no longer resemble that woman. I found my peace, my reprieve, my chance. I am grateful.

It's funny how much we can see of ourself when we look at others. Further proof that we are all connected. That we are all one.

It's Gratitude Friday again...

First of all, I'd like to ask everyone who reads this post to pause for a moment and say a prayer, think good thoughts, send good vibes, etc. to my friend Stormy and her family. Her mother is having some serious health difficulties and needs as much grace as can be offered up.

And since Friday is my day to reflect on the things I am grateful for, I must say how grateful I am for Stormy, and her hubs, Ryan. I had the opportunity to work with both of these guys when they lived here in SLC and I just love them both. Stormy has been instrumental in helping me work through some really hard times in my life. She is a wonderful listener, an incredible friend and has amazing insight into the things that are important in life. Her presence in my life is a huge blessing.

Ryan, her husband, is also a great guy. He is one of the wisest, most emotionally mature men I have ever met. One thing that I admire about Ryan is that he lives his religion and is very spiritual without being a pain in the A*$ about it. Whenever I try to describe Ryan, the words I use are "gentle Giant", and since Ryan is about 6 foot 5 inches, this really fits. I love Ryan for many things, not least of which is his passion for heavy metal hair bands and his love of all things Mac. He's such a nice guy in so many senses and together he and Stormy have a marriage that I really, really look up to. I'm so thankful to have these two great people in my life.

This week, I'm also very thankful for a job and a life that provides me access to good pediatric care. Riley received her 6 month immunizations this week and that always provides for a fun couple of days. This week, however, she is also cutting a tooth and has a cold, so it's been a triple whammy for her. She has been so grouchy and has not slept well since Tuesday and it's been rough. The nice thing, however, is that we have an amazing pediatrician who is very responsive to all my needs and questions and can talk me out of my paranoia very well. We LOVE Julie. I also have a few friends who are pediatricians and having them available to answer questions, check on Riley, and remind me that everything is normal and that we will get through this has been really helpful in keeping my sanity this week. I recognize that not everyone has this kind of easy, open relationship with their child's pediatrician and colleagues, and I am very grateful for it.

Finally, I am thankful this week to have found Sandra, my new cleaning lady. She was recommended to me by a friend of mine from work and it's a huge load off my mind to have someone who can help me with this. I have struggled with hiring someone to help me with my house for a while, always telling myself that it's a small condo and I should be able to keep up with it and I need to take care of what's mine,etc. . But then I took a hard look at what my priorities are and where I spend my time and I realized that I HAD to get some help. I work full time at a very demanding job, I am raising a child alone, I am working hard to take care of myself and my needs, I want to spend as much time as possible with Riley, I am writing a lot these days...of course I need a cleaning service. SO here's to letting go of misplaced guilt and getting things taken care of.

As always, I have much to be thankful for in my life. It's really good for me to take time on Fridays and pause to think of the good things I enjoy. It puts the little annoyances and problems into a clearer perspective and keeps me optimistic about my life and the decisions I've made.

Happy Friday!

Star Wars Wisdom

“Always remember, your focus determines your reality.”

- Qui-Gon to Anakin, Star Wars Episode I


I love Star Wars. I wanted to be both a storm trooper and Princess Leia when I was growing up. Now I can see how the juxtaposition of them both would result in some pretty unique fashion statements (White, plastic, bullet proof bikini, anyone? Or perhaps a gold metallic storm suit complete with word-o hair) but still, I *heart* Star Wars.

So, if Qui-Gon was right, and our focus determines our reality, one must ask herself what one needs to focus on.

What I'm focusing on this week:
1. Healthy lifestyle...making time for the gym, eating well, limiting caffeine (so hard for me right now)
2. Quality time with my daughter. I have a trip to the zoo and swimming on the list.
3. Wrapping up the final details on a couple of large projects.
4. Spring cleaning: my house and storage unit and closet are all getting the treatment.
5. Finding time to myself: to write, to meditate, to do yoga, to pray.


What are you focusing on this week?

Gratitude Friday

Counting my blessings again. Here we go:

1. So grateful for this girl.

I seriously could not have made it through the last several months without my frister. She keeps me sane. She understands my wackiness. She gets my sense of humor. She lets me call her at least 14 times a day. She'll text me with random funny stuff. She loves my bug. She reminds me of the good things in life. She helps deal with the bad. She encourages me to keep moving forward. She knows what oldy foldy means. Such a doll. I just love her.

2. Riley seems to be getting a schedule down. This is huge for us. So thankful that we seem to be getting somewhere with this. YEAH!

3. So grateful for my job. It's been an absolutely crazy week at work, and I've also had daycare issues this week. Tons of stuff to do, but still I am so grateful to have a job that challenges me mentally, allows me to work with some of the most intelligent people on earth, and gives me a lot of satisfaction. Plus, it's flexible so I can accomodate life as a single mother, and still pay the bills. My take on it is that if I'm spending time away from Riley, it better be for a reason that meets two criteria: 1) it should benefit her in some way and 2) it should be something I enjoy and am good at. I truly believe that the work I do will improve healthcare in the future, directly benefiting Riley, and I very much enjoy it and I know I am good at it. My criteria are met; I'm happy. Lucky me.

4. I live in an amazing city with so much to do that is family centered. I've been trying to make sure Riley and I take advantage of all the opportunities to get out and explore SLC. Lately, I've been taking her to the library. She loves the people, the glass elevator and was absolutely mesmerized by the butterfly mobiles. We've also been going swimming at the Fairmont community center, whcih Riley LOVES! I bought a family pass to Hogle Zoo so I can take her there, or she can go with Madi. I am looking forward to summer and the farmer's market, the street festivals, and the outdoor concerts. I love this part of my life and I know Riley enjoys getting out of the house and being in different atmospheres. So much fun!

5. Finally, I'm very thankful to have my writer's group. This provides me with an emotional outlet, a creative release and feedback that is both thought provoking and constructive. I have had a lot of formal writing training, through college, graduate school and my profession, but it's a completely different experience to write for it's own reward. I can see how much I've grown as a writer as a result of this experience and I'm very grateful for it.

Short list this week, but, as always, i'm certainly not short on good things in my life.

List of Obsessions

I was talking with a friend of mine today, and he mentioned that he had noticed that I have a tendency to get a bit obsessed with things I am really into on any given day. He's completely right (good observation, NR) so I thought I'd share with you all what I happen to be obsessed with lately.

1. Tzatziki- or the greek yogurt-cucumber sauce that is often served on gyros, etc. I LOVE this stuff and have perfected my own recipe, which I have to say is much better than any you can buy, even trader joe's. I have been eating TONS of it and I eat it on just about everything...pita, salmon, veggies, whatever. Everything is better with this stuff. Plus it's non-fat yogurt with cucumber in it. I mean, if you have to get obsessed with a food product, how can you beat yogurt with vegetables mixed in?

2. The book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. I have tried to read this book before, and found it a little cheesy, but for some reason, it's working for me now. Some of the passages are a little dramatic for my taste ("But it is gossip that is to blame" and "Even if someone shoots you in the head, do not take it personally") but there is a lot of wisdom in there that I seem to need to hear right now. Funny how that works.

3. The color combo of Red and Turquoise. Red is my all time favorite color, and I have recently been obsessed with turquoise. Who knows why. I have been totally into these two colors together lately. I ordered a bunch of fabric today and these two colors are pretty prominent in it. For some reason, they make me happy together.

4. "What I Like About You" is a sitcom starring Jenny Garth (Kelli from 90210) and Amanda Bynes (don't know what else she is in) and the reruns play on Family channel every day. I tivo these every day and save them up for the weekend. It's kind of a stupid, and not the most clever show on TV, but I love the silly release that I get from it.

5. My frister will appreciate this one, but lately I have been totally into doing laundry. Now, this is probably due to the fact that for the first time in six years, I can do laundry in the comfort of my own home. It's SO nice. And I am especially obsessed with using Tide with Downy (April Fresh Scent) and Downy fabric softener and Downy sheets (again, all April Fresh Scent). The April Fresh Scent reminds me of my aunt Shannon, although I'm not sure why. I think she used to use this kind of fabric softener.

6. KUER 90.0- Our local NPR station. I have always really enjoyed NPR, but lately, i have really gotten into listening to it for updates on the primaries, Iraq war, etc. I find it to be the most unbiased of the various news options. What's really funny is that Riley seems to like it too. She'll play on the floor in my room while I am getting ready for the day, and we put on NPR, and she'll laugh and giggle at the radio. Hey, what can I say...my child is already showing signs of being a brilliant, open-minded, well-informed woman.

Reflections...

Reflections Nov. 2007


Have you ever been rushing through the business of everyday life... running to the next appointment...hurrying to get home... and all of the sudden you catch a glimpse of yourself? It could be in a mirror in the elevator, a shop window, a rear windshield in the car driving by. What do you think to yourself when this happens to you?

I ask this because, when this has happened in the past, I used it as an excuse to bemoan my bad hair day, or remind myself that it was really time to hit the gym. Lately, though, I've noticed a shift in my pattern of thinking when this happens. Yesterday, I caught a glimpse of myself in a window and wondered who the pretty girl with the cute baby was. Did I know her? She looked familiar. I must have met her before....I kind of laughed at myself when I realized it was me. I'm the pretty girl with the cute baby. And the other day, I glanced up in a store and caught my own eye in the mirror. I almost said hello to myself, like you would when you ran into an old friend while out and about. A kind of surprised, how-nice-to-see-you-again hello.

When i became aware of this shift in my thinking, I started to consider what it means. And I realized that the reason I'm starting to recognize myself as an old friend is because I'm starting to treat myself like an old friend. I'm being nice to myself. I'm taking care of myself. I'm putting myself first and paying attention to me. The reason I am starting to see a pretty girl in the mirror is because there is one there. I just needed to find her. To recognize her. To remind myself that she exists.

This hasn't been a sole effort. Lots of people have been really, really good to me over the past few months. My mom, my frister, my sisters in law, my cousins, my aunts, my grandma, my friends, my neighbors....all of these women have been so wonderful to me and have each provided me with something I needed, whether it be some time to myself, a good laugh at the ridiculousness of life, a listening ear, a "you'll get through this" or "you are SO much better off" or a mani-pedi complete with O ring discussions late at night. All of this has been so necessary to the process of healing, to helping me put the pieces of my life back together into a new, stronger, happier version of myself. All of these things have added up to a whole that is so much greater than the sum of the parts. And even after all the changes, all the adaptations, all the things that are completely different about me...it's really funny that NOW I'm starting to recognize myself.

I guess it takes a little bit of harshness to bring out the polish.

Gratitude Friday

This week, I have a lot to be grateful for! Tons, in fact.

1. My AHRQ site visit is OVER!! A site visit from your funding agency is a big deal, and although our grants are going very well, it's still a scary, panic-inducing time. But it couldn't have gone better and our project officer was really cool.

2. So grateful for Riley Kisses. Ri gives me these huge, sloppy kisses whenever I am holding her and cuddling with her. She got her 2nd tooth on Tuesday and it looks like she is getting a third on top, so the kisses are extra drool-ey, but so cute! She is growing up so fast.

3. Riley and I got to spend some time with my friends Angel and Kristin this week. These are friends I met through X and I'm very happy that I am able to continue to have them in my life. One thing that sucks about going through a divorce is that you lose some of the people that you love who were connected to you through your ex. I am often saddened by the loss of contact with some of X's family, but I'm really grateful that this didn't happen with these two awesome girls. I love them and spending some time with them was a highlight this week.

4. Nice evening with cute doctor type. Adorable and so sweet. Calm down, nothing serious is going to happen with him, since he is likely moving to Chicago, but still...it's nice to be treated so well. And to have someone truly appreciate my domestic diva-ness. And to get flowers at work the next day. Thanks, NR.

5. So thankful for my brother in law. He's wonderful to my frister, adorable with my baby, and a great friend to me. I could chat with him for hours (and I do) and I love that he isn't at all shy around me. I couldn't ask for a better brother in law for me, uncle for Ri, and hubs for my frister. Love you, Joey.

6. Finally, after months of searching, I FINALLY found the perfect quilt for my bed. It's very Amy. Red and orange. Love it.

7. I registered today for a writing/photography workshop in New Hampshire in September. It's my birthday present to myself. I've always wanted to attend some of these workshops but have never let myself, and I'm not sure why. Fear? Shyness? Lack of passion for what I'm working on? Oh, well, doesn't matter now...They have my money and I'm going to New Hampshire to write and take pictures for a week. YEAH!

8. I received some very good news about a current project of mine, and while I can't share the details yet, it looks like you will be able to read even more of my work in the next little while (hint, hint, wink, wink). It's been described as "funny, sharp-witted, humor with a very emotional side". I hope to share more info in the near future.

9. It's time to change our clocks, which means an extra hour of sunlight in the evenings! I love spring!

10. Finally, I'm going to spend the weekend with my family in Bear Lake. It's so nice to be with my family. They are so great with Riley, and we have the best time. Plus, seeing my sister in law means mani-pedi, which I really need.

Well, that's it. It's been a good week. And of course, I'll leave with a picture of the biggest blessing in my life. Love her more than I can even begin to express. And what a goofball.

You all SUCK!

I know some of you have read the last post, and have I seen any posts about what other people find sexy about themselves? NO!! Fine, whatever...I'll be the only one who thinks she is HOT! Or, better yet, I'll start posting what I think is sexy about you on your comments. So there...That'll teach you.

I'm bringing SEXY back!

No, this isn't a post dedicated to Justin Timberlake, although you might see that in the near future (kidding).

Instead, it's inspired by a piece I've been working on for my writer's forum.

I am working on a piece that involves writing about the time in my life when I felt the sexiest. This has made me think a lot about how I define sexy and what it really means to me. Since sex isn't really on my list of priorities right now, it might seem to some that feeling sexy isn't on my priorities list right now. This is absolutely not the case. To me, sexy is a state of mind, a way of exuding confidence, a method to remind yourself how amazing you are. Sexy and sex are not one and the same, nor should they be approached as if they are.

In our culture, sexy is often defined by what the skinniest, blondest heiress is wearing or how she is behaving. How sad is this? I don't want my daughter growing up in a world where drunken stupidity or a trashy appearance is the pre-requisite for being considered sexy. There is so much MORE, usually things that aren't even seen, that make a person sexy. The only way to counteract the media led personification of sexy is to start pointing out what is sexy about us, the non-bimbo, non-trashy, non-superficial women. Start CELEBRATING what makes us all sexy in our own individual ways.

So, I'm starting with me, and I want every blogger who reads this to post on his or her blog five things about them that make them SEXY! Those things that are unique to them! Come on, let's CELEBRATE those things that are SEXY about each of us. So Becky, Jamie, Jade, Katie...every person who reads this needs to post on their blogs their five things. Then, leave a comment on mine so I know you did it and so I can see what you wrote.

Come on, Girls (and guys) , let's BRING SEXY BACK!

Here is my list of 5 things about me I think are SEXY...

1. I am smart. I think my intelligence is the sexiest thing about me. And truthfully, I've heard this from other people very recently. I don't need anyone else's validation on this, but it's nice to know that there are other people out there that think smart girls are hot.

2. I have a really wacky, wry sense of humor. it's not typical, it's really pretty weird, but I think it's sexy that I can almost always find something to laugh about and usually something to crack jokes about. A sense of humor is very, very sexy.

3. I am a curvy girl and I LOVE it. I'm not a size two or a size four or a six. I have boobs and hips and a butt. I LOVE my hourglass shape and although I have to work to keep in shape, I wouldn't trade how I look if it meant giving up my curves.

4. Perhaps the coolest thing my body has ever done is grow a kid. I look at Riley and think to myself "She's mine. I did that. I grew her." and I'm amazed and in awe and so incredibly thrilled to have produced her. I read somewhere that having a child is like watching your heart walk around outside of you. This is a perfect description of how I feel about Riley. And the fact that I did that, I nourished her, I grew this perfect little girl and now I'm raising her to grow up and be a strong, confident, SEXY woman...when I think about that, and all the miracles that come with motherhood, I feel sexy.

5. Finally, I think my emotional strength is incredibly sexy. I've just been through a really rough patch in my life and when I step back and examine how much strength and faith and hope and courage it took to get where I am today, I feel strong and beautiful and courageous. I know i can handle anything. And that is very sexy.

So there you have it, folks. Five things I find sexy about myself. What about you? What do you think makes you SEXY?