Gratitude Friday

I woke up this morning already mentally composing the list for Gratitude Friday. I think it is pretty significant when your sleeping mind is already constructing a list for your blog. It must mean it needs to be put out into the Universe. I've got some good things going on.

** I finally * FINALLY* [raising arms in praise] felt like i got my training mojo back this week, after a great ride on Wednesday. I averaged 18 MPH over the 32 miles, and woke up the next morning with that 'good-kind-of sore', which left me happy and excited for biking season. My first triathlon of the season is supposed to be tomorrow, but the forecast is for cold weather and rain, so I think it will be canceled or rescheduled. And I'm completely fine with that because I'm back, baby!

**Today kicks off a whole weekend of Girl Time Goodness. First, going out some friends after work, followed by some 'Amy time' tonight (I desperately need this right now). Tomorrow is the Women of Steel Tri (if it happens) and then a slumber party with my girls. Sunday includes church (where I get to babysit a little cutie), lunch with my favorite man (ok, so he's not a girl, but whatever...I miss him and need to see him) and then taking off with the Bugness to California for a week with my sister!

**Did I mention I'm going to see my sister? And her twins? And her hubs? in California? For a week? These are four of my favorite people on the planet who live in one of my favorite places on the planet and I haven't seen them since JULY. It's been way too long. Sister, twinners, Trader Joe's, Favorite Mall Ever, sunshine, ocean....here I come!

** My New Jersey Cheerleader and I are planning a little road trip after Squam in North Carolina this October. I can't even begin to explain how excited this plan makes me.

**I got my new camera a couple of days ago, just in time for my trip! I'm madly in love so far.

**I am so grateful for my friends and family who are always there for me. I started to feel really overwhelmed with the amount of training I have to fit into an already full schedule, and when I asked for help, offers flooded in. Just seeing the responses on email and facebook made me teary. I truly have the world's greatest support crew.

**I was invited to join a new bookclub, and it looks like I may have found my niche. The reading lineup looks great and I think I'll enjoy getting to know the members.

**My work is so busy but so satisfying right now. I love the fact that I go to a job that feels like I am making a difference and where I am constantly learning and improving. I'm very aware that not many people can say that. I'm grateful that I can.

May 12of12 (but really taken on the 14th)

This month's 12of12 post was taken on the 14th (oops!). May 12th snuck up on me, and I didn't realize the date until the middle of the day. Then I forgot my camera on the 13th. So, I guess the 14th will work for this month.


1. Breakfast of strawberries and quesadillas. If you know me at all, you know how weird this is.
2. My favorite necklace - initials "A" and "R", a gift to myself at a very low point. It makes me feel better every time I wear it - a reminder of what's important.
3. Riley on her way in to daycare.
4. I broke my old shuffle the day before, and since it's a workout must-have, a new one was in order. It's aqua, one of my favorite colors.
5. The lilacs are blooming. I love lilacs. They remind me of my aunt shannon.
6. The view from my parking deck at work. It was a lovely morning!
7. I always listen to "Morning Edition" on NPR while I check my morning email messages.
8. Went for a run at lunch.
9. After work, Riley and I went on a "Girl Date". She's scoping out the crocs here.
10. My to-do lists on my desk, waiting for Monday morning.
11. Another part of the "Girl Date" - Riley picks dinner. It's usually Nuggets and Fries.
12. Snuggling at the end of the day, watching "Swan Princess".

Good Enough for Her

The Great Salt Lake -- May 4, 2010

"You are only good at what you do every day."

I've heard this saying from my friend Amy many times, and I've been thinking a lot about it lately. It's such a simple statement but so incredibly powerful and so full of truth. Really, we ARE only good at what we do everyday, and with a finite amount of time everyday, what we choose to spend our time on says a lot about who we are and what we value.

This led to some self analysis of what I spend my time on everyday and whether my priorities are lining up with how my time is spent. The things I do each day are varied and diverse. Some days I work. Some days I play. Most days I workout, but not always. Most days I write, but not always. Most days I read quite a bit, but not always. Usually I clean my house, but I ignore that on occasion (ok, maybe more often than that). But the one thing I do consistently, day after day, is be a mom to a feisty, stubborn, sassy and sweet little girl.

So it stands to reasons that I should be good at this, given that I do it EVERY DAY. Right?

Well, honestly, I've been really struggling with this lately. I'll admit that, often, I don't feel like I'm doing very well at what I consider to be my most important job. In fact, there have been days that have left me feeling like I am utterly failing as her mom. Days when she's stubborn and irrational and days when I am. Days when we get on each others nerves. Days when she doesn't listen to anything I say or do anything I want her to do. Days when every little upset leaves either her or me in tears, usually starting way before we make it out the door in the morning. Days when my parenting techniques or decisions are questioned or second-guessed. Days when I am exhausted and give in to her demands because I just can't handle another fight. These are the days that make me feel like I should just pack it in.

It's easy to be hard on yourself when it comes to motherhood. It's easy to think you aren't enough, or you don't have what it takes, or you can't possibly do this another day because "maniamgoingtostrangleherifshedoesntkillthedramarightthissecond." It's easy to judge yourself by unfair standards of what we think motherhood should look like. It's easy to lose sight of what's really important when it comes to raising a child.

I am trying not to let myself get too caught up in these thoughts. Because at the bottom of it all, I know this to be true: there are all different kinds of mothers out there, no one superior than the others, just different. Every person is unique and every child is different and every situation has dynamics that outsiders just can't understand. I keep reminding myself that I am doing the very best I can, for me and for her, and if it's my best, then it will be enough.

From the day Riley was born, I have known that she was absolutely, positively, without any doubt, supposed to be my child. She's so much like me and I know that there is no other person on this earth who can help her grow into herself as well as I can. There is no other child on earth who can teach me as much as she can and has. And I am grateful for the opportunity to be her mother, because even though we might butt heads and square off in a battle of wills on an almost daily basis, she brings me a whole world full of happiness, of joy, and of love.

Being a mother is, most certainly, the hardest thing I have ever done. It's full of exhausting days and sleepless nights, and a never ending worry for another person's welfare. But it's also been the most rewarding, the most uplifting, and the most inspiring thing I've ever had the opportunity to do. I can't imagine where I would be without it this little blond haired, blue eyed wonder, who follows me around and wants to wear my shoes. I know that I have grown leaps and bounds in the few short years I've been her mother and although I'm not perfect, I'm good enough for her. And that's good enough for me.

I guess Amy is right. Turns out, i AM good at what I do every day. Good to know.

Happy Mother's Day.

Gearing up....and a small setback

The lottery to ride LOTOJA was held on Tuesday, May 4th and at 1:38 in the morning on May 5, I received an email with this statement:

We hope you are excited to hear that your application HAS BEEN SELECTED. YOU HAVE A SPOT IN THIS YEAR'S LOTOJA!

Yay! Excitement! Jumping up and down (and a little bit of screaming) ensued! I've been excited to ride this for more than a year, and clearing the first hurdle was reason enough to be thrilled.

And then reality set in.

And I realized what I had done.

Oh, my hell!?! Did I really just commit to riding 206 miles, over three major mountain passes, in one day? What on EARTH was I thinking?!?

Several moments of panic occurred. A couple of breathing issues were noted. (I'm not proud of this, but hey, I'm human.)

And then I remembered how I feel when I ride, what reaching this goals means to me, that I can do whatever I set my mind to, and that I can totally, TOTALLY do this.

And now I'm back to good.

But the reality is that there is A LOT of training to do in order to be ready for September 11, and tonight I'm trying to figure out where and how I can work this kind of training into a life that's already stacked with people and commitments, goals and dreams. And how not to go crazy in the process.

To keep it all in one place, I'm going to be updating my progress on this blog so I have a running log of my progress, and to keep me honest and accountable. I imagine posts like the following will be fairly common on here (although I'll be messing with the format some), but I promise to keep up on the other stuff you all read for, as well. :)

TRAINING
Course: Goldilocks Ride
Planned: 60 miles
Completed: approx. 10 miles completed
Notes: Front derailleur broke on the course, forcing me to drop the ride. Fixed immediately following return to SLC. Felt good starting ride. Extremely irritated (to the point of being irrationally pissed off) after ending.
Gear notes: need toe warmers things. Bike is now back to perfect thanks to some love by my favorite bike mechanic.

What I want her to know....

I stumbled across this today, and it reminded me that this is how I'm trying to live, how I'm trying to love and how I'm trying to teach my daughter to be.

"If I Had to Live My Life Over" -- By Erma Bombeck

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love you's" More "I'm sorry's."

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it… live it and never give it back.

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I hope I'm a good example of this for her.