Working with what you've got

It's funny how you sometimes solve one problem, and replace it with a new one. 

My old new friends

I seem to have landed myself in just that predicament lately.  I've written a lot here about Miss Yaya's sleep issues, and it seems like we have finally... finally... figured them out.  She's getting between 10 and 12 hours a night, is taking the occasion nap during the day, and seems much happier and healthier now that she is sleeping a normal amount.  Her teachers have reported an improvement in behavior and attitude, and I know that I have a much easier time dealing with her these days.  Plus, because she is getting enough sleep, I am also getting enough sleep and a bit more 'mama' time at night, and I feel leaps and bounds better than I have for a while - more patient, healthier, and definitely more sane. 

The problem this opened up for me is that, in order to get her the sleeping and keep her sleeping, I have had to keep to a very strict schedule.  Basically, we come home in the evenings after work, I make dinner, we eat, she takes a bath, we read stories, and she goes to bed.  That's it.  That's all.  So in the evenings, when I used to go to the gym two or three times a week after dinner....well, that is just not in the cards right now. 

I don't consider exercise to be optional.  It's necessary to me, and I've found that my body does best when I get plenty of it.  Working out keeps me healthy, it keeps me sane, and it is an important part of keeping some genetic risk factors at bay.  Plus, I enjoy it. It's fun for me. But having my schedule disrupted by finally getting Riley on one frustrated me for a few weeks, and I sorta lost my motivation because everything wasn't going how I thought it should. 

It was annoying.
It was lame.
It was frustrating.
And yes, I got sorta whiny about the whole situation.

Then,  I talked to Hannah about it (she is my go-to exercise/healthy lifestyle cheerleader/coach), and she reminded me of what I already knew (but effectively squashed down in my "poor me, I don't get to go to the gym" lame-ness).

You don't whine. 
You don't quit.
You adapt. 
You adapt and survive. 
Then you adapt and thrive. 

So, I'm adapting.  I'm trying to work in a couple of lunchtime runs during the week, and I try to get to work as early as possible so I can leave in time to hit the gym a couple of days during the week.  I can always get a good workout in on Saturdays, and if nothing else, there is my trusty equipment waiting at home for me. 

My medicine ball, my kettle bell, my dumbbells...we are getting reacquainted again.  I started doing push ups and squats and ab work while Riley is taking a bath (just like I used to when she was little).  I have annoyed my neighbors (I'm sure) by jumping rope late at night on my driveway with the window open so I can hear Riley if she wakes up. I've even done the dreaded Jillian Michael's "Shred" a couple of times (She is a phenomena i just don't quite get).

Nope, it's not my preference.  Yep, it feels sorta disjointed and random.  Sure, I wish it were different, and I'm on the lookout for new ways to fit this into my life.  But for now, it is what it is.  I'm adapting.  I'm working with what I've got.

That's all you can do, right?

Four Good (but sort of random)Things

I don't really like chocolate, but I love how pretty Easter kisses are.

**Last fall, my Hannah kept telling me to take strength training more seriously, to work it into the swim-bike-run routine I had going. Swore it would improve my tri workouts. Swore I'd grow to love it. Yeah, yeah....I listened to her. Sorta. But not really. And then I ripped my hip-flexor in November and couldn't do much but strength training. And then I sorta started to like it. And then I really started to like it. And so I kept doing it. And then my hip-flexor healed and I kept up the strength training, while adding the running and swimming back into the mix. And then I started riding again this season, and lo and behold - I'm STRONGER! And FASTER! Like, a LOT faster! I can push bigger gears for a longer time! This is HUGE, people! (ok, maybe only for me, but still...I'm excited.)

Moral of the story: Listen to Hannah (except about making your own yogurt because let's just be honest, we all know yogurt is gross.)

**We're making serious progress on the "go-to-bed" routine around here. It usually takes about 30 minutes, which is significantly shorter than the 2 hours it was eating up a few weeks ago.

**Brown Rice + Almond Milk + Fresh Fruit + teeny bit of Agave = Best. Breakfast. Ever. So yummy and keeps me full of consistent, steady energy all morning. I am NOT a breakfast eater, and I actually wake up excited to eat this stuff. Try it. And then send me a present for telling you about it. It's that good.

**Two weeks from now, I'll be in California, getting ready to depart for Hawaii. I'm flying to CA first because Riley is staying with my sister and her family while I am gone (She's beyond excited to see her aunt and uncle and the twinners). So, besides going on the trip I have been dying to take, I get to see the sister I have been dying to see. So excited. For all of it.

*********************

St. Patrick's Day Randomness

- - My cell phone and my iPod decided to crash within about 2 days of each other. I decided to take this as a sign from the Universe to upgrade to an iPhone. So far - I really like it. Being a Mac girl through and through, this brings everything into one place. It's so convenient! And my photographer's heart beats a little faster whenever I play with all the photo apps. The funny part about getting an iPhone was that G was way more excited about it than I was. So it's only fitting that the first iPhone pic on my blog is of her, no?

- -I am experiencing a major case of writer's block, only not in my traditional sense. I have plenty - tons, in fact- of ideas and words and poems and essays floating around in my head. I'm even dreaming in written words. I just can't seem to organize any of them into any sort of consumable fashion. I'm just going with the flow and letting them show up how and when and where they may, but the result of this approach is an assortment of stanzas of poetry written on grocery store receipts and texts to myself that have ideas for other work. I know that, at some point, they'lll come together. I'm learning to trust my own creative process.

- - I ate this for breakfast today. This was after I gave myself a lecture about healthy, nutrient filled breakfasts to fuel my workouts last night. Healthy choice, no?

But dang -- it was GOOD!

- -Speaking of workouts, I've increased my training even more recently (added miles to my runs and am swimming and weight training more), and I'm beginning to see the signs that go along with these changes. For me, the first thing I see is a definite increase in my appetite. I know that sounds fun, but when you are hungry all the time, and you need to eat good, high quality, fresh foods, it takes lots of planning and organization and it can be sort of annoying. The other thing I notice is that when I'm tired, I AM TIRED. Tonight, I'm tired. It's off to bed after I finish this post.

- - Riley's class tried to catch a Leprechaun today. They didn't quite succeed, but the little guy did leave her some Leprechaun Gold while she was taking a nap. She's rather excited about it.

- -My ex-husband is Irish, which is where my kiddo gets her reddish hair and fair complexion. He usually celebrates the day up right, and that used to be fun, but I'm happy to be home with my kiddo tonight. She's keeping me entertained by performing this little groove.



- - Riley is going to be with her Dad this entire weekend, and I am heading north to enjoy one more snow-filled weekend before spring sets in for good. I am really looking forward to the long, solo drive (best time for me to really dig into my own brain), and getting out to do some XC skiing and snowshoeing. I'm also planning some quality time with my camera. The logical part of my brain keeps trying to shut this plan down in favor of staying home and working on my kitchen, but my heart is shouting at me to go. I'm listening.

Five for Friday (What's on my mind tonight)

1. Photography - I've been reading books on it, signed up for some classes in January (from the fantastically talented and super-cool Alisha Stamper), and am trying to better understand how all the elements come together into the image you were trying to capture. I see it as such a great way to capture how my life looks, and I just want to be better at it.

2. Travel - Hawaii in April. New Jersey/New York in June. New Hampshire in September. A few trips to California in there somewhere. Mmmmmm......I love thinking about the people and places I'll be seeing soon.

3. My Kitchen - Now that operation "buy a new house" became operation "keep the condo and play more instead of spend more", I am really trying to decide what to do with my kitchen. It's tiny, but I want it to be functional, colorful and easy to keep organized and clean. And I need to keep it relatively inexpensive. Time to gather ideas, look into options, and prepare for some manual labor. After the holidays are over, it's on.

4. Poetry - The focus of a lot of my writing lately has been poetry. It's such a satisfying genre and I find it to be such an intimate form of self-expression. I've just started a poetry collaboration with Amy H.W. and it's a fun, less threatening way to open that up for someone else to read. I'm trying to summon up the courage and be brave enough to post some work here. We'll see.

5. Working Out -Between not being able to cycle (too cold) and not being able to run (injured hip flexor) I'm really struggling with motivation. I'm still putting the time in, but it's a struggle every day. Part of it is because I can't do my favorite workouts, part of it is boredom with what I can do (elliptical, spinning, swimming, Zumba, weights), and part of it is the typical holiday/winter blah. What i need to do is figure out how to get outside more. Yes, that's exactly what I need to do...Snowshoe, snowboard, XC skiing...ok, how to do that with work and a three year old...? Hmmmmmm.

Grateful for A Healthy Life

There was a time in my life that I didn't appreciate my body and didn't value my health. I didn't take care of it, ignored it, and filled it with junk. Not surprisingly, I felt awful. I was sluggish and slow and I suffered migraines, back aches, any number of physical symptoms. In hindsight, I realize that my physical health was all tied up with my mental and emotional state. I was deeply unhappy, in an unhealthy marriage, and taking care of myself just wasn't something that was high on my list of priorities.

My return to good health started after I had my baby. It began as a way to lose the weight I had gained while I was pregnant, but I quickly found that exercise was a great stress reliever, something I desperately needed at the time. I was navigating my way through a divorce, had a newborn, and was working full time at a demanding job. Working out was usually the only thing I could do for myself and the only time I had to myself in the course of the day. Exercise led to better eating habits, better eating habits led to better sleep, better sleep made it possible to deal with the emotional demands of single motherhood, and dealing with those made me feel lighter and more stable. This led to increased energy, which led to...well, you can see...it's a cyclical thing.

Fast forward three years, and I feel like I am in the best health of my life. I bike, I swim (I learned a couple of years ago despite being terrified of it), I run (well, I don't for a couple more weeks-I'm rehabbing a torn hip flexor) and I make it a point to stay active all the time. I can bust out a triathlon with a few days notice. I can ride my bike insane amounts of miles if I feel the desire to do so. I am currently working on getting a more regular yoga practice incorporated into my day. I feel great about all of those things, but besides being phsyically fit, I am emotionally, mentally and spiritually healthy. I don't get sick, I rarely get headaches, I never suffer from backaches....I'm able to keep up with my fast-paced life and be the active, fun person and mother that I want to be. I'm happy and I get to teach Riley by example that good health is multi-dimensional and something that should be a priority in our lives.

It's not always easy to be healthy and balanced, and I don't believe it's really a destination you arrive at and - BAM!- you've achieved it. It's a continual pursuit, a way of life, a choice that you are constantly making, and I've learned to live with the 'two steps forward, one step back' approach. I truly believe, however, that good health is something that has to be prioritized in order to live a happy life. It's something that I, personally, treasure more than any money in the bank, more than any material possession. It allows me to fully enjoy my amazing life and all the incredible people and wonderful experiences that fill it up. And for that, I am so grateful.

Non-Race Report

Tonight, as I am typing this post, I am sitting with my feet in an ice bath. I ran hard yesterday, and even though I just did an easy recovery run and some plyometrics today, my feet are still very sore. My heels are tender and my toes ache. In anticipation of possibly doing an Olympic length triathlon in October, I've been working on my running form and speed, trying to run with more of a forefoot strike. I'm noticing some improvement in both speed and endurance, but I still get this way after a hard run. Normally, I would find a little bit of pleasure in the pain, because I like the feeling of pushing my physical limits a bit further than I had to, I like when I know I have given something my all. But tonight, the achey feet and the ice bath are serving as a reminder that I'm working on running, not biking, like I'd really prefer to be doing.

If you've been following my blog for a while, you might remember that I had plans to ride LOTOJA tomorrow. It's something I've wanted to do for years, and something that I have been eagerly anticipating and working towards. I have spent lots of time training for it, lots of time thinking about training for it, and lots of time talking about training for it. I have driven people I love nuts with my obsession for cycling in general, and this race in particular. But in about July, it became clear to me that it was very likely not going to happen for me, at least not this year.

The physicality of this goal wasn't the reason I decided not do it. I guess 206 miles could be considered intimidating, but I just saw it as a fun challenge, as a way to force me to push further than I had before. I knew then, and I still know, that I can do it physically, given the appropriate training. But training requires time and dedication, and while the dedication was in place, time is one thing I had little of this summer. My work is very demanding, and the times I had to train (usually when Riley was with her dad) were unpredictable and complicated. I had some personal issues to deal with that took a lot more time and energy than I had anticipated and I ran into a couple of minor health issues that put me out of intense training for about a month. I realized in July that, in order to really be ready for this ride, I would have to do nothing, i mean nothing, besides train for the remainder of July, all of August and the first week of September. Which meant no trip to Oregon, no weekends in Bear Lake, not as much time with my family when they needed me, and most distressing to me, I would have to put Riley with a babysitter every day of every weekend for about 8-10 hours.

I couldn't bring myself to commit to this. The cost was way too high, even for a long-held goal.

Letting go of this was not easy. I had several people tell me that it's just a long bike race and not worth the amount of work and worry I was putting into it. I even had one person tell me that it wasn't worth doing because there was no monetary return on the investment *insert head shake/eye roll here*. I know all of this was well meaning, but clearly these people didn't understand me at all, or the drive behind doing something like this. I wanted to ride LOTOJA to prove something to myself, to answer a question I had about my own abilities and to accomplish something new. Letting go of it meant putting these things off for at least another year, maybe more. I realize now that as long as I am single parenting my child, LOTOJA might not happen due to the sheer time commitment necessary. As it stands, I can't do the 5 am rides before work or the long weekend training rides without seriously sacrificing my child's stability. And although I firmly believe it's good for mother's to have goals and ambitions outside of motherhood, I am not willing to sacrifice her happiness and health for this. She needs more than that and she deserves better than that. I guess she'll have to settle for watching me do triathlons, not major long distance bike races. (note to all you single parents out there: triathlon training is much more flexible and easier to fit into a crazy schedule).

I know that I made the right decision, but it still stings. Today, as some of my friends were preparing for their race, I hugged them, gave them very heartfelt good wishes, and then closed my office door and tried not to let the tears fall. Tonight, I am sending them every single bit of light and energy I can, because I love it when people I love do amazing things. I still wish I were racing tomorrow, but I know that tonight, I'm exactly where I should be: soaking my aching feet and listening to my daughter talk to her baby doll in bed.

Gratitude Friday (On Saturday, but whatever...)

This has been a whirlwind week, full of lots of fun and good times, and I'm just barely finding time to sit and write the gratitude Friday list I have been composing in my head since yesterday. It's funny, because the crazy-busy weeks are the ones where I feel like I need to write these the most. For some reason, the busy days seem to make me more aware of the great things I have going for me.

**Riley and I have been able to spend some time with four of my favorite people this week - my sister and her husband and my super-adorable twinner nephews. Oh, how I adore this family.
**I made a bit of a breakthrough on some work problems I've been mulling over/working through recently. There are still kinks to work out, but it's giving me a renewed sense of satisfaction and a lot to look forward to.

**I've felt a bit 'off' this summer, in terms of working towards the physical goals I have, but I seemed to have found my mojo again over the past couple of weeks. I love the feeling of being very tired, rather sore, but happy to be so because it means I have pushed past another barrier.

**To celebrate Riley's birthday, we had a little party for her in her daycare classroom. It is always so reassuring for me to see how loved and well-cared for she is there. I know that there are all kinds of horror stories about daycare out there, but I've been nothing but thrilled with her experiences. Being in daycare gives my daughter the social development that she needs at this age, and she learns so much from her peers and the dedicated teachers. I'm so grateful for everyone there.
**This past week, I had an experience that, while very difficult emotionally and mentally, turned out to be an opportunity to really stretch and grow. I walked away from it feeling stronger, more sure of myself and my decisions, and happy to be where I am at. These are the kinds of experiences that shape us into who we become, and while I am just fine to never repeat some of them, I'm truly grateful for them.

**And since it's September 4th, which is my personal self-proclaimed holiday (read about it here), I'll end this post by saying how grateful I am for how far I have come, personally, in the past three years, and for who I am today. For the amazing family and friends who are there for me, no matter what, and for everything they've taught me on my way. Today, instead of throwing a party or indulging in some shopping or spa-time, I have chosen instead to be very mindful of the blessings I have... For life and love, for family and friends, for challenges and celebrations, for health and healing...Today, (and everyday) I am grateful.

**Randomness**

**While I do not love the normal holidays (I think New Years, Christmas, etc. are WAY overrated) I do love me a summer holiday weekend that involves no stress and an extra day off of work. This weekend is the long Pioneer Day Holiday here in Utah, and I am celebrating by doing a whole lot of nothing. Today, I slept in (for me), went for an awesome bike ride, took a nap, took a drive, read a book, and watched "Sleeping Beauty" and "Alice in Wonderland". Tomorrow is more of the same, although I promised the girl we'd make cupcakes. She's very into cupcakes these days, as you can see in the above photo.

**My condo is back on the market. I've spent a lot of time going through everything, getting rid of stuff I don't need or want and really paring down to what I need and love. Consequently, it's much easier to keep in "ready to show" shape. I've been wanting to move for a while now, I'm still feeling like it's time for new digs, and the housing market seems to agree with me. Everyone send me good house selling and buying energy - please and thank you. :)

**I have a whole bunch of fun stuff coming up in the next few weeks- a trip to Portland, a weekend in Bear Lake with old friends, tickets to the Lion King, a triathlon or two, and househunting (which I have always hated before but am having so much fun with now). It's also an intense couple of weeks, work-wise, which I actually enjoy. Life is moving at a fairly quick pace these days, and I'm content to twirl around in the chaos and enjoy myself madly.

**I know that money doesn't grow on trees, but apparently, in Riley's world, it grows in flowerpots. I noticed the other day that she planted nickels and dimes in all our little flower pots. I still haven't gotten rid of the coins because it makes me smile to see evidence of how her mind functions. Too bad her plan won't work.

**I'm trying to pare down bedtime from the two hour ordeal it is now. Any suggestions?

**My friend Jenica had the most awesome pair of jeans on last night, which has made me start jonesing for fall clothes and fall weather. I'm not a clotheshorse at all, not even a little bit, but man, I love jeans that fit perfectly and the weather that lets you wear them comfortably. Good stuff.

**I've been adding in some yoga to my workouts, and I am really noticing the benefits. I enjoy it much more when I practice in a studio rather than at home, and fitting their schedule into mine isn't always easy, but I am trying to make it a priority.

**Riley's favorite treat lately is corn-nuts. Yep, corn-nuts. Isn't that odd?

**I'm trying to find effective 'green' household cleaner recipes. If you know of any, will you please share?

Really good things

I've got some really good things going on around here. Thought I'd share....

**Another successful week in potty training. She's so proud of herself, and I'm so happy to see her reach this milestone. Life is one step simpler.

**A lunch date with a friend who just gets me. When I left, I felt lightened and heard and understood (and I think she felt the same). Thanks, afm.

**Managed to fit in a couple of runs, 2 swim workouts, a brick swim/bike workout, a couple of bike rides, and a little bit of yoga into a very full week. My training is feeling balanced again, and that feels really, really good.

**An opportunity to explore Portland came up, somewhat unexpectedly, and I jumped on it. I'm excited to satisfy a little bit of personal and professional curiosity and check out a city I don't know. And thanks to the generosity of a couple of great friends, I have a place to stay. Thanks, La Familia Staley. You guys rock - TO THE MAX!!

**A very late night/very early morning phone call from Eastern Europe that had me laughing, crying, and missing a good friend very much. Love you, NR. You better show up in Utah soon.

**My sister, who knows just what I need to hear, often before I know it, and who makes sure the right words are texted, said over the phone, or in my email inbox.

**Riley has been asking to go 'camping' and I was a bit hesitant to trek her out to the forest by myself, set up a tent, and indulge her. That just seemed like a recipe for disaster. Luckily, my Dad offered his camper, so this holiday weekend, we're 'roughing it' in his driveway. It will be so much fun for her and me!

**My friend's baby is home and doing well (she was born at 34 weeks and needed several days in the NICU), and my new niece is here and happy and healthy. I am so grateful for these new little ones in my life. Just thinking about them makes me smile.

There is so much to be happy about, so many things to be grateful for...Truly, I am b.l.e.s.s.e.d.

July 12of12

1. Unfortunately, this was breakfast. Some days are like that.
2. Self-portraits before work. Riley wanted in on the action.
3. I'm growing herbs on my windowsill. This container has basil, chives and parsley.
4. I had a whole bunch of grocery shopping to do.
5. These were Riley's two options for footwear. Luckily, I talked her out of the flippers and into the pink crocs.
6. View from my work chair at about 2:00 pm. It's a glamorous life I lead.
7. I worked on my bike a bit - cleaned it up, cleaned and lubed the chain, tightened a few things.
8. Dinner was a veggie-egg white scramble (with avocados - yum), peaches, and whole-grain toast.
9. Getting ready to start my run/swim workout. Not a great picture, but you get the idea.
10. Riley wore these glasses all evening. I have no idea why.
11. It was a magazine kind of day. I spent some time in all four of these.
12. Just more evidence that I'm a dork, and my girl is, too.

At a loss...

I am a responsible, reliable, resourceful person.
I am strong and confident.
I believe that anything worth doing is worth working hard for.
I can handle almost anything that is thrown at me.
I take a lot of pride in my work.
I take very good care of my daughter and myself.
I do the dishes and the laundry (eventually) and all the rest of the housework.
I do what I say I'm going to do, when I say I am going to do it.
I solve problems with whatever means I have to.
I set goals and I do the work to achieve them.

These are all good things, non?

Because of these things, I have a pretty fantastic life.

So what do I do when the above qualities are the cause of some pretty serious anxiety?
When a goal I set is waking me up at night, worried about how I am going to make it happen?
When this need I have to do my best, to follow through, to finish the game, is no longer a good thing, but it bordering on pathological?

Remember I'm training for LOTOJA this summer? Well, I'm starting to have some serious reservations about whether this is a good idea for me. Here's the thing: I know, I KNOW, that physically I can do it, and I really, really, really want to do it, but I have a lot of training between now and September 11th to truly be prepared. That kind of training takes time. And time is the something I am lacking right now.

According to my training schedule, I should be riding about 150-170 miles a week right now, with a lot of climbing in that mix. This is probably three evening longish rides (about 25-35 miles each) and at least one weekend longer ride (60-70 miles), with a couple of shorter, easy recovery rides thrown in here and there.

I would love to be able to ride this often, but my reality is I am a single mother of a busy almost-three year old, with a full time job. I go to work everyday, do my best there, and then head home and pull a second shift of housework and child-rearing responsibilities. I have friends and family who need me and I need to see, also. I have church responsibilities and other personal commitments and occasionally, I like to take some time to just chill. When I signed up for LOTOJA, I expected my life to look quite a bit different than it does now. Well, it turns out that it doesn't, and I have to work with what I have now. I love to ride - LOVE IT- but I'm just now sure how to fit this level of training into my already overcrammed schedule.

How I am going to work this out is becoming a bit of an obsession. It's honestly keeping me up at night. I tell myself it's ok to just do my best and if I can't do it, then I can't do it....but I don't really believe it. That feels like failure. I tell myself that I'll train up until race day, and if on that morning I don't feel ready, I won't do it...but I can't imagine myself doing that. I'd feel like I had wasted all summer. I tell myself to just bag it now and enjoy the rest of the season, but the thought of not riding LOTOJA, of not crossing the finish line...it makes me ache. I am firmly on a hook, and the really crazy thing is that this hook is all my own doing - I put myself here.

When I take myself out of the story, when it's some other 'full-time-working, child-raising, busy single mom' who just can't find the time to train for an event like this, I can easily hand her some compassion and tell her that her that it's ok, to just do her best and trust that things will unfold hwo they are supposed to. So why can't I summon up that kind of understanding for myself? Why can't I give myself permission to be gentle with myself.

AAAAAaaaarrrrrrrGGGGGHHHHHHH! (think Charlie Brown frustration here.)

The photo on this post was taken last October, in Moab. I love this picture of me because I look so relaxed and so balanced. I remember feeling so happy that day, so in love with life and so enamored with Moab and biking through Arches. Riding used to be an escape for me, a way to get out of my head and into my body. I rode because I loved how I felt when I did, and how good I felt afterward. It made me feel healthy and whole. Now I feel like it's an obligation, just one more thing on my already overloaded 'to-do' list. It's starting to feel like a job.

I know what I need to do. I need to get back to that feeling of freedom, of balance. I need to apply a little bit of trust that this will all work out how it is supposed to. I need to ask for help and accept the offers that have already been given. I need to seriously weigh the benefits of following through and the sacrifices it will take to get there. I need to do all of this, and I plan to.

On my next ride.

Whenever that happens to be.

Oye.

Gearing up....and a small setback

The lottery to ride LOTOJA was held on Tuesday, May 4th and at 1:38 in the morning on May 5, I received an email with this statement:

We hope you are excited to hear that your application HAS BEEN SELECTED. YOU HAVE A SPOT IN THIS YEAR'S LOTOJA!

Yay! Excitement! Jumping up and down (and a little bit of screaming) ensued! I've been excited to ride this for more than a year, and clearing the first hurdle was reason enough to be thrilled.

And then reality set in.

And I realized what I had done.

Oh, my hell!?! Did I really just commit to riding 206 miles, over three major mountain passes, in one day? What on EARTH was I thinking?!?

Several moments of panic occurred. A couple of breathing issues were noted. (I'm not proud of this, but hey, I'm human.)

And then I remembered how I feel when I ride, what reaching this goals means to me, that I can do whatever I set my mind to, and that I can totally, TOTALLY do this.

And now I'm back to good.

But the reality is that there is A LOT of training to do in order to be ready for September 11, and tonight I'm trying to figure out where and how I can work this kind of training into a life that's already stacked with people and commitments, goals and dreams. And how not to go crazy in the process.

To keep it all in one place, I'm going to be updating my progress on this blog so I have a running log of my progress, and to keep me honest and accountable. I imagine posts like the following will be fairly common on here (although I'll be messing with the format some), but I promise to keep up on the other stuff you all read for, as well. :)

TRAINING
Course: Goldilocks Ride
Planned: 60 miles
Completed: approx. 10 miles completed
Notes: Front derailleur broke on the course, forcing me to drop the ride. Fixed immediately following return to SLC. Felt good starting ride. Extremely irritated (to the point of being irrationally pissed off) after ending.
Gear notes: need toe warmers things. Bike is now back to perfect thanks to some love by my favorite bike mechanic.

The space between

As I mentioned previously, I am trying to shake up my workouts by throwing in some different forms of exercise. Earlier this week, on a beautiful, sunlit afternoon, I headed out for some trail running after work. I'm lucky enough to be just steps away from the Bonneville Shoreline Trail, making that a natural destination for these types of runs. With only the goal of getting a hard (but hopefully fun or at least an interesting) run in, I changed out of the skirt and heels that had been my uniform for the day, laced up my new trail runners, and headed out.

The afternoon was breathtaking. The blue sky beckoning for all to come out and play, the temperatures lovely and light in the low 70s. The sun on my shoulders felt amazing after the blah dullness of the past few weeks. I started off on the trail, slowly at first, but gaining speed as I gained surer footing. Running isn't my favorite activity, but when I turned my mind over to the task of keeping me upright on the loose and gravelly trail, the movement became part of the experience. I ran, I walked, and I jumped, doing whatever was necessary to keep moving forward, to keep covering ground. I almost lost my footing a couple of times, the wildness of nature still occasionally peeking out from the semi-groomed trail to catch me unawares. I reevaluated and readjusted and kept going, enjoying the challenge of staying on my feet and still moving at a fast pace. I ran like this for about 30 minutes, my mind checking off landmarks without conscious thought...there's the hospital, and there's Huntsman Cancer Institute. Air Med landed right in front of me, allowing me the scent of aircraft fuel that still makes me nostalgic for my military days, but I kept running, enjoying how I was able to notice the many details of the places that have been my professional home for the past eight years, while still pushing myself hard to race up and down the trails.

Finally, I reached a good place to turn around, and I stopped to catch my breath and enjoy the views before I headed back. The valley spread out before me and my eyes caught the familiar landmarks....LDS hospital, Temple Square, the airport.....places that often ground me to my position in the valley. But this time, as my eyes traversed the valley and settled on the Oquiirrh mountains rising opposite me, my mind reached beyond them, to the small town and the beautiful home that is nestled in the foothills there, to land solidly on the man who resides in that home, the man who holds my heart entirely.

You see, eventually, this small town will be my small town. This beautiful home will be our beautiful home. This amazing man will be the other half of us, and while I am so grateful and excited for these changes, what kept coming to me, as I stood on the other end of the valleys, in an entirely different mountain range, was how much S P A C E there was between us.

The space between here and there.
The space between mine and ours.
The space between alone and together.
So much space to cross, both literally and figuratively, before this joining can happen.
It's overwhelming.

I held onto this thought as I ran back towards my starting point, my mind mulling over the many things that still need to be worked out and worked through. I thought how some of these things require patience and gentleness, and some need assertive action. I was struck by the enormity of the decisions we are making and the actions we are taking. They don't just affect me and him, but also one little blond haired girl and four dark haired boys, all wonderful children who need and deserve to be put into these equations. As my legs worked hard to carry me back across the side of the mountain, my mind puzzled through these questions: How do I do this? How do I get from here to there? How do I cross the distance that seems so vast, to get where I want to go. Can I get rid of any baggage to make the load a little bit lighter?

By the time I got back to my car, I was tired from the run, but feeling good overall. I enjoyed the time in the sun and it definitely added some spice to my lagging workout motivation. What was really on my mind, though, were the ideas about moving through the space that separates the life I live now and the one I'm trying to build with someone else. I hadn't really resolved anything on my way back but I knew that I kicked up enough mental dust that it wouldn't settle for a while. I resolved myself to having this weigh heavy on my heart for a while.

I started home, and was again greeted by the views of the valley. Again, I was reminded of the space between. Right then, my phone beeped its warning that I had text messages, and a quick glance showed that I had five. Four from friends, but one from him. "how was ur day?" it read. Not a big thing, but that simple reminder that he was thinking about me and wondering how I was gave me the insight I was looking for. And right then, in that moment, I knew.

Yes, the distance we need to cover is vast and there are plenty of hurdles along the way. No, it won't be easy, but going the distance never is, and it is always worth it (a lesson learned from endurance events). Even so, there are so many people who are willing to offer advice, affection or a soft place to land on the way there. And the most beautiful part, the most exciting part, for me at least, is that I don't have to do it alone. He'll meet me halfway, take my hand, and we can finish it together.

And the space between me and him,
between mine and ours,
between here and there...

that space is full of room to grow.

Make-or-Break Moments

Photos by the super fantastic Amy

I've had a few rough weeks, workout wise. Life has been busy to the point of being unreasonable and this craziness has translated into skipping workouts, shortening them, or changing them up for something else. Added to that, the past two weeks alone have contained a bout of food poisoning, a killer migraine, and a sprained ankle. On top of all this, I've had a lot of negative mind-chatter going on in relation to my workouts. Suffice it to say, it has not been the best few weeks for me, athletically speaking.

This morning, I got up and ran a 5K with Amy. The course was part of the Salt Lake City Marathon. It was not an overly challenging course - mostly flat, with a couple of gradual inclines, but nothing intimidating. I sprained my ankle on Tuesday, so I was still babying that along some, but I ran most of it, walked a few times so I didn't re-injure the ankle, and came in with a decent time. Not great. Not terrible. Solidly in the middle.

I don't usually worry much about my times when I compete in an event. I don't even look at them for a few days, because I'm out there entirely in pursuit of my own goals. I'm only in competition with myself and while I admire the elite runners (and cyclists, and triathletes), I do these things for my own personal growth, not to win my age division or get a podium finish. I am reasonable enough with my expectations to know that this isn't likely to happen and my motivation and lifestyle and talents are different than those who are able to accomplish these feats.

This time around, I texted a couple of people with my time, and received varying responses. We won't discuss in detail the person who responded with suggestions of needing to kick it up for a tri. Even though it was a joke, it stung. As usual, though, my girls came through. Amy kicked my trash on the course, so she was waiting for me at the finish line, which was a great way to end a race. Hannah, my kick ass athletic friend, responded with praise for the time, acknowledging the injuring, suggested rest and ice, and threw me a "Great Job! Congrats! Love YOU!" Ultimately, this is what I really needed. Yes, I do these things for me, but it's nice to be validated for accomplishments, even when they are minimal or just a step in the right direction. Maybe especially when they are minimal or just a step in the right direction because often, those are the make-or-break moments when you realize you can give up and call it a day, or you can push through and keep on. The praise, the kind words, the pat on the back - they might be just the thing to push you toward keeping on rather than hanging it up.

Now, I'm feeling a little bit better about losing my workout mojo for a few weeks and have a solid plan for getting back into the swing of things training-wise, have ideas on how to shake things up with a few different types of workouts, and am looking forward to the warmer weather and time on my bike. I'm ignoring the comments that hurt and focusing my energy on getting better, getting stronger, and feeling good. I made it through this make-or-break moment and I think I'm back on track. Thanks, girls. I needed that.

A year in review: 2009

2009 has been a year of growth for me. 2008 was a year of acceptance, a year of picking up the pieces of a broken heart and shattered dreams. 2009 has been about taking those pieces and putting them back together into a new version of myself, into a better, stronger, happier version of myself. There have been so many shining moments, so many of those times that just take my breath away with the wonder and goodness and joy they contain, that I can't find just one or two that define the whole year.

For me, 2009 was about:

*Embracing the ups and downs of motherhood, and adoring the little girl at the center of it.
*Meeting two little guys who grabbed my heart with their tiny, identical fists.
*Finding many new friendships and deepening relationships with old ones.
*Growing creatively, and finding the words to keep telling the stories that are mine to tell.
*Pushing myself to my limits physically, again and again and again, and realizing how fantastic that feels.
*Seeing my hard work make a difference and add to something bigger than myself.
*Reveling in the love and support my wonderful family gives to me and my girl.
*Celebrating important milestones with friends who are always there.
*Figuring out what i believe and what matters most to me.
*Finding the motivation to push harder and dig deeper.
*Cracking open and allowing the light in.
*Learning when to take some space.
*Realizing that I have everything I need.
*Opening myself up to new possibilities.
*Knowing that I am complete and whole.

As the final minutes of 2009 tick away, i find myself overwhelmingly grateful for the amazing life I live, for every single part of it. For the ups and the downs, the good and the bad, the challenging times and the times that glide by, I am grateful. They've all come together to form a complicated and dynamic rhythm, and I'm happily twirling around and dancing to that song into the next new year.

Happy New Year!

Swimming and biking and running....oh, my!

My super-awesome and amazing friend, Candace, who thought up this crazy idea in the first place.

If you had asked me on January first what I thought I'd be doing come the middle of July, I can GUARANTEE that I would not have said "I'll probably be doing a few triathlons". I've never been considered athletic, by myself or anyone else, and until recently, any working out I did was purely to for aesthetic reasons.

All of that changed when I started to work out again after having Riley. Very quickly, I discovered that while exercise was important for dropping the baby weight and toning up the muscles that stretched out during pregnancy, it was even more crucial to maintaining my sanity while dealing with a brand new baby, going through a divorce and trying to figure out where exactly I fit into a world that felt like it was quickly disintegrating. The gym became my refuge; the elliptical, my therapist. I pounded out out my frustrations in kickboxing and found order from the chaos in my mind during a hard and sweaty spin class. At some point, the motivation became less about looking good and more about feeling good, and that was it. I was hooked.

When the weather started to get nicer and race season was quickly approaching, my friend Candace started throwing around the idea of training for a triathlon with her. She had already competed in several and her enthusiasm made the whole idea sound fun and empowering. I started to seriously think about it. I was already biking a lot, I was doing some running...I couldn't really swim, but two out of three isn't bad. I took a deep breath, ignored the voice in my head that kept asking "what the hell are you thinking", and signed up. I was officially in training. It was April 16th. The triathlon I signed up for was July 18th, so I had about three months to get ready.

I kept up the running, added some tri specific weight training into the mix, and kept biking as much as possible. The variation of training really worked for me, and I started feeling fantastic almost immediately. I was still a little freaked out about the swimming part of it, but I kept telling myself I just needed to "tweak" my technique a little bit. My friend, Katie, helped me out a bunch and I continued to work on my own, but I was still missing something. I just didn't know what I was doing. I read some books, I did TONS of online research and luckily, I found a trainer at my gym that did swimming specific training, signed up with her, and started to really learn what I was doing. As it turns out, Malaika is a professional triathlete as well as a personal trainer, so she knows what she's talking about in all of the areas I was concentrating on. Working with her has been an absolute godsend (i'm planning a post about this whole thing later this week) and I started to feel like I really could do this. I really could complete a triathlon.


My transition area- post triathalon.

The day of the race came following a hectic week. Instead of camping at the race site, as originally planned, I drove down the morning of the event and only had a little bit of time to get ready. I set up my transition area, and talked to a few people. There was a festive, fun-filled atmosphere. The announcer kept reminding everybody to have fun, and there were 80's hits playing in the background. Some people were VERY intense and focused, some were just having a good time. Some, like me, were clearly first-timers and some were seasoned pros. It was interesting to be part of it.

When my wave was announced for the swim, I started to get a little nervous. The gun (was there a gun? I'm not actually sure.) went off, my wave hit the water, and I was off. I felt a moment of panic when I first started swimming, but I kept going, using the 'one-two-three-breathe-one-two-three-site' strokes I had been working on, and that worked relatively well for the first leg of the triangle. Around the buoy I went, started on the second leg, and was a little tired but doing relatively well. That is, until a gigantic fish showed up in my face right as I came up to site. I was prepared for little fish, I was ready for water snakes (and yes, I saw both on the first leg). But for some reason, the big fish (he seems about 12 inches long, but my mind could have exaggerated this) freaked me out. I came up, choked for a minute, laid on my back for a while and tried to get it under control. I talked myself down, started to swim again, and freaked out again. I decided it was better to back-stroke for a while so i was at least moving while I was freaking out, and that worked for me. I alternated backstroking and freestyle around the second buoy and to the finish. Some nice man in a kayak hung out by me from my freakout until the end and his presence made me feel ok about what was going on. I kept swimming, thought about the upcoming ride, and finished the hardest part (for me). I have never been more grateful to exit the water IN MY LIFE! It was time for the first transition. Next stop, bike ride.

The bike was definitely where I felt the most comfortable, so I just concentrated on enjoying the ride. My time was pretty good, especially considering I had to fix a flat at the half-way point. The course was lovely and I could have ridden for a lot longer than was required. There wasn't much to say about this part of the tri. I knew it would be my "fun" leg, and it totally was. I got into a little pissing match with one woman on the course- I passed her, she passed me, I passed her, she passed me again...but ultimately I kicked it into gear and left her behind. I told myself there was no competition for this tri (for me), but it felt kinda good seeing her ride in as I was starting to run...which brings me to the final portion: the run.


Me and my bike. Oh, how I love my bike!

I'm not a great runner. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I hate it while I'm doing it, but I love the feeling afterward. This run was ok for me...very slow time-wise, but I didn't expect any differently. My legs were shot after swimming and biking, so I took it slow and just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I could feel the altitude difference by now, my breath coming harder and faster than it would have normally. The best part of this leg was the little kids at the water stops..."water, gatorade, or pepsi?" They all seemed disappointed when I didn't take them up on the pepsi offer. One little boy, who was probably 3 years old, enthusiastically yelled "YOU CAN DO IT!" at the top of his lungs for every single runner, waving a NASCAR flag madly. His brother, who was a few years older, quietly said "good job. you're doing awesome," as I passed. He was just as earnest, but a little more reserved than his gregarious little brother. Both of them melted my heart. I found myself thinking how great the world would be if we could all offer everyone our own words of encouragement in whatever form is most natural to us...whether that is cheering wildly with a checkered flag, or quietly offering our support where it's needed. I thought about this on the rest of my run, into the finish line, where the announcer called me "Jenny Cash" because I was the "woman in black" and then...it was done. I had completed my first triathalon. I have the medal to prove it.

So the question I keep getting asked now is "Are you going to do another triathlon?" And my answer is a resounding and unequivocal "YES!" I learned several lessons from this one already, so why wouldn't I keep on keepin' on? It's fun! It's good for me! It's not something anyone can do! I'm proud of myself! I got to wear rubber and lycra in the same day! It was a great time!

Lessons learned from Scofield Triathlon:
1. Expect (and prepare for) the unexpected, whether it be a flat tire or a large fish.
2. If you freak out over the unexpected, hang out on your back for a while and think up plan B. And plan B should always include a nice person in a kayak who looks like they might reach out a hand if you go completely under.
3. Find a way to push yourself to do better, even if you are comfortable where you are at. There's nothing wrong with a little friendly competition if it pushes you to excel.
4. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and listen for the words of encouragement on the way. People are waiting to cheer you on...but you might have to listen for the ones who don't carry NASCAR flags.
5. Finally, figure out what areas need work and WORK ON THEM. I don't want to think that I settled for "ok" on something that I could have done a lot better on. I know I need to work on my swim skills. That's what I'm going to do.

As I mentioned before, I didn't ever think this was something I could do, but I did it. I can now call myself a triathlete. I'm really, really proud of that.

And I'm going to do it again soon!

But first, back into the pool for a little more work on the weak spots.