Gratitude Friday

April 29th, Yep...snow.

It's been a rough week.

I had a few major deadlines at work, more than a few battles to fight on the homefront with a certain stubborn two year old, and several things that are currently weighing heavy on my mind and heart. Added to that, there were overflowing toilets (again, courtesy of that child of mine), workouts that didn't get completed, floors that still need some serious mop love, the never ending pile of laundry, and a list of "nice to-do" that wasn't even considered a possibility. On top of everything else, I had a terrible dream that was so intense, and so eye-opening, that it really threw me off for a couple of days.

Did I mention that it's been a rough week.

And so now it's Friday night, I'm sitting poised on the front edge of a new weekend, and truthfully, I'm exhausted just thinking about the things I need to do this weekend to catch up and go into next week balanced and ready. I'm trying to summon up the energy to get started on my weekend to-do list. Clearly, it's not going well.

Yep, it's been a rough week.

Still, when I really think back on the week, I'm struck by the many opportunities to stretch and grow this week presented. And how much I truly have to be grateful for:

*For my amazing, wonderful, stubborn, loud-mouthed, sweet, sassy, silly, smart, beautiful baby girl. Who knew that a mother could learn so much about fearless living and open-hearted loving from her child?

*For my awesome friends, who listen to me, offer advice, guidance and support whenever I need it, and go out of their way to help me when I need their special brand of assistance. My life is composed of some seriously wonderful, generous people.

*For my sister, who listens without criticizing and gets mad in my defense, even when I'm too tired to be upset. AND keeps me supplied in cute twinner pics that make my days. Love my frist.

*For my parents, who were both intuitive enough to get in touch when I really needed to hear from them. I don't believe in coincidences. They just knew.

* For a pretty great guy who is willing to stop by just to give me a hug on what turned out to be a long, draining night. How did I ever get so lucky?

*For taking the time to really get to know myself, so I can listen to gut feelings and act on them in the best way possible for me and for Riley.

*For learning to ask for what really matters.

*For the desire I have to move forward and progress. I've always been this way, and I'm coming to value it as one of my best traits.

* For new days and new beginnings and the hope for a better tomorrow.

So, yes, it's been a rough week and I'm glad it's over. But, as always, when I stop to look at what I have and what I am blessed with, I wouldn't change it for easier weeks or a less stressful schedule. I'm very, very blessed.

The space between

As I mentioned previously, I am trying to shake up my workouts by throwing in some different forms of exercise. Earlier this week, on a beautiful, sunlit afternoon, I headed out for some trail running after work. I'm lucky enough to be just steps away from the Bonneville Shoreline Trail, making that a natural destination for these types of runs. With only the goal of getting a hard (but hopefully fun or at least an interesting) run in, I changed out of the skirt and heels that had been my uniform for the day, laced up my new trail runners, and headed out.

The afternoon was breathtaking. The blue sky beckoning for all to come out and play, the temperatures lovely and light in the low 70s. The sun on my shoulders felt amazing after the blah dullness of the past few weeks. I started off on the trail, slowly at first, but gaining speed as I gained surer footing. Running isn't my favorite activity, but when I turned my mind over to the task of keeping me upright on the loose and gravelly trail, the movement became part of the experience. I ran, I walked, and I jumped, doing whatever was necessary to keep moving forward, to keep covering ground. I almost lost my footing a couple of times, the wildness of nature still occasionally peeking out from the semi-groomed trail to catch me unawares. I reevaluated and readjusted and kept going, enjoying the challenge of staying on my feet and still moving at a fast pace. I ran like this for about 30 minutes, my mind checking off landmarks without conscious thought...there's the hospital, and there's Huntsman Cancer Institute. Air Med landed right in front of me, allowing me the scent of aircraft fuel that still makes me nostalgic for my military days, but I kept running, enjoying how I was able to notice the many details of the places that have been my professional home for the past eight years, while still pushing myself hard to race up and down the trails.

Finally, I reached a good place to turn around, and I stopped to catch my breath and enjoy the views before I headed back. The valley spread out before me and my eyes caught the familiar landmarks....LDS hospital, Temple Square, the airport.....places that often ground me to my position in the valley. But this time, as my eyes traversed the valley and settled on the Oquiirrh mountains rising opposite me, my mind reached beyond them, to the small town and the beautiful home that is nestled in the foothills there, to land solidly on the man who resides in that home, the man who holds my heart entirely.

You see, eventually, this small town will be my small town. This beautiful home will be our beautiful home. This amazing man will be the other half of us, and while I am so grateful and excited for these changes, what kept coming to me, as I stood on the other end of the valleys, in an entirely different mountain range, was how much S P A C E there was between us.

The space between here and there.
The space between mine and ours.
The space between alone and together.
So much space to cross, both literally and figuratively, before this joining can happen.
It's overwhelming.

I held onto this thought as I ran back towards my starting point, my mind mulling over the many things that still need to be worked out and worked through. I thought how some of these things require patience and gentleness, and some need assertive action. I was struck by the enormity of the decisions we are making and the actions we are taking. They don't just affect me and him, but also one little blond haired girl and four dark haired boys, all wonderful children who need and deserve to be put into these equations. As my legs worked hard to carry me back across the side of the mountain, my mind puzzled through these questions: How do I do this? How do I get from here to there? How do I cross the distance that seems so vast, to get where I want to go. Can I get rid of any baggage to make the load a little bit lighter?

By the time I got back to my car, I was tired from the run, but feeling good overall. I enjoyed the time in the sun and it definitely added some spice to my lagging workout motivation. What was really on my mind, though, were the ideas about moving through the space that separates the life I live now and the one I'm trying to build with someone else. I hadn't really resolved anything on my way back but I knew that I kicked up enough mental dust that it wouldn't settle for a while. I resolved myself to having this weigh heavy on my heart for a while.

I started home, and was again greeted by the views of the valley. Again, I was reminded of the space between. Right then, my phone beeped its warning that I had text messages, and a quick glance showed that I had five. Four from friends, but one from him. "how was ur day?" it read. Not a big thing, but that simple reminder that he was thinking about me and wondering how I was gave me the insight I was looking for. And right then, in that moment, I knew.

Yes, the distance we need to cover is vast and there are plenty of hurdles along the way. No, it won't be easy, but going the distance never is, and it is always worth it (a lesson learned from endurance events). Even so, there are so many people who are willing to offer advice, affection or a soft place to land on the way there. And the most beautiful part, the most exciting part, for me at least, is that I don't have to do it alone. He'll meet me halfway, take my hand, and we can finish it together.

And the space between me and him,
between mine and ours,
between here and there...

that space is full of room to grow.

Writing my own love story

The cookie he made for me.

Playing with the bugness.

Not so long ago, I was shocked (to say the least) when a man who is truly more perfect for me than I have any right to expect or deserve asked me to marry him.

I thought he was kidding. He wasn't.
I thought he was just swept away by his own spontaneity. Turns out, he had been planning it for a while.
I thought he'd come to his senses before I had a chance to accept. He didn't.

And now I have the honor and excitement of sharing a life with someone who is, simply put, one of the most amazing men I have ever known. He's honest. He's kind. He's giving. He's genuine. He's open-minded and accepting. He knows who he is. He's a wonderful father to four adorable boys. He loves Riley and is really good with her (even when I want to leave her in Home Depot for the night). He's in possession of a strong work ethic and is responsible and grounded. He's exactly what I want for myself and then some, because he's hilarious and easy to be around and, may I just say, beyond gorgeous (seriously...I still get a little jittery when I first see him after a few days).

To say I am happy is an understatement.
To say I am overwhelmed is downplaying it.
To say I have no idea what the hell I'm doing but I'm jumping in with both feet, letting it wash over me and seeing what comes up....that's just about right.

There are still a lot of details to work out, a lot of things to work through, and a lot of bridges to cross. But having someone to take your hand and work with you through all those details and walk with you across those bridges...it's pretty much the best feeling there is.