The space between

As I mentioned previously, I am trying to shake up my workouts by throwing in some different forms of exercise. Earlier this week, on a beautiful, sunlit afternoon, I headed out for some trail running after work. I'm lucky enough to be just steps away from the Bonneville Shoreline Trail, making that a natural destination for these types of runs. With only the goal of getting a hard (but hopefully fun or at least an interesting) run in, I changed out of the skirt and heels that had been my uniform for the day, laced up my new trail runners, and headed out.

The afternoon was breathtaking. The blue sky beckoning for all to come out and play, the temperatures lovely and light in the low 70s. The sun on my shoulders felt amazing after the blah dullness of the past few weeks. I started off on the trail, slowly at first, but gaining speed as I gained surer footing. Running isn't my favorite activity, but when I turned my mind over to the task of keeping me upright on the loose and gravelly trail, the movement became part of the experience. I ran, I walked, and I jumped, doing whatever was necessary to keep moving forward, to keep covering ground. I almost lost my footing a couple of times, the wildness of nature still occasionally peeking out from the semi-groomed trail to catch me unawares. I reevaluated and readjusted and kept going, enjoying the challenge of staying on my feet and still moving at a fast pace. I ran like this for about 30 minutes, my mind checking off landmarks without conscious thought...there's the hospital, and there's Huntsman Cancer Institute. Air Med landed right in front of me, allowing me the scent of aircraft fuel that still makes me nostalgic for my military days, but I kept running, enjoying how I was able to notice the many details of the places that have been my professional home for the past eight years, while still pushing myself hard to race up and down the trails.

Finally, I reached a good place to turn around, and I stopped to catch my breath and enjoy the views before I headed back. The valley spread out before me and my eyes caught the familiar landmarks....LDS hospital, Temple Square, the airport.....places that often ground me to my position in the valley. But this time, as my eyes traversed the valley and settled on the Oquiirrh mountains rising opposite me, my mind reached beyond them, to the small town and the beautiful home that is nestled in the foothills there, to land solidly on the man who resides in that home, the man who holds my heart entirely.

You see, eventually, this small town will be my small town. This beautiful home will be our beautiful home. This amazing man will be the other half of us, and while I am so grateful and excited for these changes, what kept coming to me, as I stood on the other end of the valleys, in an entirely different mountain range, was how much S P A C E there was between us.

The space between here and there.
The space between mine and ours.
The space between alone and together.
So much space to cross, both literally and figuratively, before this joining can happen.
It's overwhelming.

I held onto this thought as I ran back towards my starting point, my mind mulling over the many things that still need to be worked out and worked through. I thought how some of these things require patience and gentleness, and some need assertive action. I was struck by the enormity of the decisions we are making and the actions we are taking. They don't just affect me and him, but also one little blond haired girl and four dark haired boys, all wonderful children who need and deserve to be put into these equations. As my legs worked hard to carry me back across the side of the mountain, my mind puzzled through these questions: How do I do this? How do I get from here to there? How do I cross the distance that seems so vast, to get where I want to go. Can I get rid of any baggage to make the load a little bit lighter?

By the time I got back to my car, I was tired from the run, but feeling good overall. I enjoyed the time in the sun and it definitely added some spice to my lagging workout motivation. What was really on my mind, though, were the ideas about moving through the space that separates the life I live now and the one I'm trying to build with someone else. I hadn't really resolved anything on my way back but I knew that I kicked up enough mental dust that it wouldn't settle for a while. I resolved myself to having this weigh heavy on my heart for a while.

I started home, and was again greeted by the views of the valley. Again, I was reminded of the space between. Right then, my phone beeped its warning that I had text messages, and a quick glance showed that I had five. Four from friends, but one from him. "how was ur day?" it read. Not a big thing, but that simple reminder that he was thinking about me and wondering how I was gave me the insight I was looking for. And right then, in that moment, I knew.

Yes, the distance we need to cover is vast and there are plenty of hurdles along the way. No, it won't be easy, but going the distance never is, and it is always worth it (a lesson learned from endurance events). Even so, there are so many people who are willing to offer advice, affection or a soft place to land on the way there. And the most beautiful part, the most exciting part, for me at least, is that I don't have to do it alone. He'll meet me halfway, take my hand, and we can finish it together.

And the space between me and him,
between mine and ours,
between here and there...

that space is full of room to grow.