Indecisive

I'm usually a really decisive person.
I form hypotheses.
I gather data.
I examine the evidence.
I form preliminary opinions.
I do a gut-check.
I make the decision.
I move forward with putting it into action.
Done.

Easy-breezy, no?

NO!

At least, not lately....

For some reason, I have been going back and forth about selling my condo for months. MONTHS. Actually, for years. I know that my family is sick of hearing about it and my friends have just started to laugh at me about it. But I seriously CANNOT make a decision about this.

This started clear back when I was first divorced. Do I stay or do I move? I decided to stay put because I had a brand new baby and was way too overloaded to even consider buying and selling.

Then, about every four months, like clockwork, I would get the itch to move. I'd consider it, find a reason to stay put, and move on.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Then I thought I was getting married, so here it was...my answer. I definitely needed to sell in that case, so up on the market it went.

And then I wasn't getting married, so down off the market it came.

And then I decided to move anyway, so up it went again.

And then I decided not to, so down it came again.

And then the listing contract ran out, so it has stayed off the market for a little while.

And then a neighbor expressed some interest in it, so I started thinking that maybe I should sell.

And then I talked myself out of it, because I love my location - my work, my kiddos daycare, my gym, my church, great neighbors, my favorite sushi place...all within a few miles of my house. Plus, I like my condo, it's very "me" with the yellow wall and cheerful vibe...I don't want to sell, right?

And then a real estate agent sent me a bunch of listings for adorable, affordable places that are close to where I am now...maybe i do want to sell.

Oh, but it's almost winter and I don't want to deal with it in winter, plus I have a million things to worry about right now...I don't want to sell.

I'm driving myself nuts. I can't keep having this same conversation with myself. I really need to make a decision and stick with it, but honestly...I can't seem to do it with this particular topic. I usually love being single and being able to make these types of big-deal, lifestyle decisions by myself, but for this one...I just want someone to tell me what to do.

AAAAAAaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!?!

Why is it so hard?

What do you do when you can't make a decision.

Yeesh....

Random Monday Thoughts (or, the post where I use only photos taken with my blackberry)

My brain has been in random overdrive today. I had a lot to do at work today, and I kept interrupting myself with my own random thoughts. I finally just wrote them down so I could focus on work a bit more effectively. It worked. And then I decided to share them with you. Because I know you want to know more about the random junk in my head. And then I decided to illustrate with a few low-quality photos.

No need to thank me.

I'm here for you.

Really.

* I love arugula. It's definitely my favorite of the salad greens.
*I finally bought the Vibram Fivefinger shoes. Here's hoping they help with my recently developed heel pain. They are goofy looking, but come with great reviews:
*I don't like mint flavored gum, but I like mint tea. Why is this?
*Only three more weeks, and I leave for Squam by the Sea. This is the only thing I do each year that is just for me, and I am so ready for it. Great friends, amazing classes, and did I mention...it's BY THE SEA? In North Carolina? So excited!
*My mom rocks! She is coming to stay with Riley for some of the time I am in North Carolina and, while she's here, she's going to help us make a few pieces of Riley's halloween costume. Riley can't wait until her "Funkin" (what she calls her - don't ask) comes to spend the night.
*I like red grapes better than green grapes. But I like peaches better than both of them.
*My visiting teachers are coming tomorrow. I've never actually had visiting teachers before. (edited: now that I really think about this, it's totally a lie. i have, in fact, had them.)
*I need to shop for fall clothing badly, but I think everything in the stores now is sorta ugly.
*I wonder if counseling should be considered when you find this hanging from your towel rack:
*My friends are at a conference in DC, and although the conference itself is pretty boring, I still wish I were there because honestly, DC has some of the best. food. ever. The only two cities that beat it out, in my opinion, are San Francisco and New Orleans.
*Speaking of food, I'm hungry. Again. Love the two days before my (.) starts.
*Is that TMI? I don't really care.
*Ok, Austin might tie DC in the best. food. ever. contest. Maybe.

Ok, enough randomness. I'm off to make nachos. Or something similarly PMS-ish.

Because my feet don't resemble Fred Flintstone's enough in my VFF shoes....I'll add some late night salt to the mix so I'm super puffy.

A fun end to a weird week

This has been a weird week for me (actually, it seems like this is true for a lot of people). I'm not sure if it was the influence of the full moon, or because the pressure was on at work, or what, but seriously...it's been strange.

Some examples:
- I missed an early morning flight to Denver, even though I arrived at the airport 1 hour and 15 minutes early. How does that even happen?
- I've been craving, and I mean CRAVING, super-spicy food. This sounds minor, but when I'm pouring sriacha on food already loaded with jalepenos...it's weird.
-I had the opportunity to go for a long bike ride one evening (which is usually my favorite thing on earth to do) and I voluntarily chose to go for a long walk and do some yoga instead.
-I got some news yesterday, which totally surprised me and completely weirded me out, even though it really has nothing to do with me.
-For some reason, the lotion I have used for years made me itch like crazy this past week.
-I completely zoned a doctor appointment, which is totally unlike me.
-I've had super-strange, very vivid dreams all week - not nightmares, really, but disturbing all the same.

And these are just a few of the weird things....seriously - it's been an overly emotional, overly in-my-own-head, overly exhausting week. I'm pretty happy it's on the way out.

It ended on a high note, however- My friend, Brenna, and her cutie, Arlo, joined Riley and I for the circus this afternoon. That was...um, well...an adventure, but it was great to spend some time with them and take Riley to her first circus.

Lessons I keep learning

I've been doing a lot of personal writing over the summer; processing different situations, examining the stories in my head, exploring different relationships. I've been re-reading and editing over the past few days and now that most pieces of the whole are laid out before me, I'm starting to see a few themes, a few ideas I can work with. It's been very therapeutic to just let all the words and emotions out, let them cascade until there is nothing left. This is where I find that the real work is, making sense of the various artifacts that a life full of experience and relationships leaves behind.

Most of this is too personal and raw to share here (and likely boring to anyone other than me) but there have been a few lessons learned that I think are worthwhile to pass along. Of course, you already know this stuff, but here are a few of the lessons I keep learning, over and over again.

I am stronger than I ever realized.
And so are you.

I am braver than I ever realized.
And so are you.

There are people who love me, who have my back.
And people who love you and have yours.

My story matters.
And so does yours.

I have the power to make my life look exactly how I want it to.
And so do you.

I can trust in myself.
And so can you.

I can trust in others.
And so can you.

I am held by something much bigger than myself.
And so are you.

I am responsible for my own happiness.
And you are responsible for yours.

I can keep getting up, keeping dusting myself off, and keep moving forward.
And so can you.

Miscellany

**I am so happy to be teaching primary again. The best way for me to experience church is from an eight year old's perspective. Much simpler and less overwhelming.
**I finally found the time to buy bookshelves for my dining room. I love how they look and I'm really happy about the extra space and organization they brought to my home. Now to get my photos and art on the walls....
**Apparently three is the magic age to start really anticipating holidays. Riley is all about halloween right now, and it's not even October. She insisted that we start decorating today. The preliminary results:
**Apparently three is also the magic age when Barbies become a big deal (at least for Riley). Am I the only mother that immediately throws out any Barbie shoes that get in her path? Stepping on those little buggers HURTS!
**I found a yellow Vintage gumball machine in a Sugarhouse junkshop yesterday, and I knew it would be a hit with her royal Bugness. I brought it home, fixed the broken gear, cleaned it up and filled it with gum. I was right. She loves it!
**I have decided that it's going to take a major force of change and the perfect situation to ever get me to move out of the Avenues. It's so close and convenient to everything. I love my neighborhood and I honestly can't imagine living anywhere else. (I know a few of you are laughing right now.)
**Riley has started to drink Chamomile tea with bubbly milk (frothed milk) before bed. I'm not sure if it's the ritual, or the actual herb, or just placebo, but she is much more mellow at bedtime. Whatever it is, I'll take it.
**I am making the ultimate in comfort food for dinner tonight: roasted chicken, 'funeral' potatoes, and green beans. I promised Riley we'd make brownies 'with nuts' tonight, too. Should be yummy!

Extreme Self Care: Weekend Edition

photo by Carrie

The past couple of months, I have been living in what I have titled "Extreme self-care mode". In a nutshell, this means I've been doing whatever is best for me (and Riley - she's an integral part of the decisions) so I can stay on top of my game. Taking care of number one. This has meant focusing on my priorities, saying no to those things I don't really want to do (that I normally would agree to), setting boundaries with people and situations that suck my energy, spending time on those things that fill me up, and making time for those people who love and understand me and for those causes that I truly believe in. I've drastically decreased the amount of time I spend online and have started turning my phone off a lot. I am making a conscious effort to be present in my interactions with others and also making sure to take care of my physical health by getting plenty of exercise and plenty of sleep.

This type of self-care has also meant taking the initiative to do the things that aren't much fun, but keep our lives running smoothly - things like making (and keeping) medical and dental checkups, keeping my house clean and organized, staying on top of the laundry instead of waiting for it to overtake my home, taking time to plan healthy meals and shop for groceries, and making sure my car and home are kept in good repair. It's not always fun, but I am finding my life works best when I function in "Extreme self-care mode".

Riley is with her dad for this whole weekend, and I am really excited to have some time to myself. I have a lot of plans for the weekend, and they all seem to circle back to this idea of "Extreme Self Care". I guess that means that I'm incorporating this type of thinking on a subconscious level, integrating it into my daily life. For me, this is a really good thing.

On the docket this weekend:

• cleaning my house and car
  
• running several errands
  
• hanging some photos that I am having printed
  
• making fresh salsa and enchiladas for lunch with friends
  
• long bike ride on Saturday morning
  
• swimming/biking brick workout tonight
  
• working on my September project (writing time and a photo date with myself)
  
• date with DMV Saturday night (we're going on a hike, then out to dinner, then a concert - fun!)
  
• getting a massage
  
• seeing an old friend who is in town for a few days

Looks like a lovely way to spend the weekend, doesn't it?

So tell me, what are your weekend plans? Are they things that help you take care of yourself?

Five (Really) Good Things

1. I've been planning a big meeting for work for the past few months, and it was held today. It went fab. u. lous. Better than I expected, truthfully, and I couldn't be happier with the outcome. It's gratifying to having something like this out of the way and to see how my efforts pay off in a 'big picture' sort of way. And now that it's over, I can breathe a little easier and move on to some other projects in the works.

2. My daughter had her three year Well-Child Checkup with her pediatrician yesterday. Her doc is also a good friend of mine, and Riley adores her, so when "Dr. Julie" told her that she needed to eat good food and get lots of sleep so she'd be healthy and strong, Riley took it to heart. She's eating better already and telling me over and over that "Dr. Julie said to eat healthy foods". Riley checked out healthy and well above her age in motor skills, cognitive skills and learning. She seems to be thriving.

3. I've always really enjoyed spending time with my kiddo, but lately, we seem to have fun on a much different level. Maybe it's because she's a little bit older, but it seems that there is less "mothering" on my part, and more just playing (does that make sense?) We've been doing lots of art projects, having impromputu dance parties and sing-a-longs, going for walks, tea parties, and reading together. It's been fun to experience this part of parenthood, especially when the rest of it can sometimes feel like so much work.

4. Riley loves to help me around the house, I've been working on channeling that into something useful and actually helpful. Knowing that my girl loves to be recognized for the good things she does, I created her "flowerpot" which is basically a way to document when she does her chores. Each flower represents one thing she is supposed to do each day (brush her teeth, put her clothes away, etc.) and she puts them in her flowerpot when they are done. When all six flowers are in the pot, she gets a special 'flowerpot' treat (Hershey's Kiss).


It's been working so well! She does everything without being reminded and she's become an expert bed-maker. No complaints here!

5. I'm hanging out with my girls tonight - there is probably some painting and some jewelry making on the menu. I'm so happy to have a low-key, no stress evening with some of my favorite people. That's a really good thing, in my book.

September 12of12

It was a lot of fun to have this month's 12th fall on a Sunday. Sundays tend to be pretty low-key around here. There isn't usually a lot of plans or commitments, just time together, doing the things we don't have a lot of time to do during the week. We spent the morning at church, but I didn't think about taking my camera with me. So you'll have to trust me that both Riley and I looked fabulous. ;) (click on the photo to enlarge)

1. This is how I found Riley when i got out of the shower- bed made and reading. I guess I'm doing something right.
2. Sunflowers are everywhere right now. I love their happy energy.
3. Sunday afternoons mean a lot of snuggling up on my bed and reading.
4. Our neighbor's flowers. Riley says these are her favorite "ever, ever, EVER!"
5. More afternoon reading. I think this was either Runner's World or Bicycle.
6. The sidewalk on our walk around the Aves. I always wonder who these people are and where they are now.
7. I like to cook and bake on Sunday, since there isn't time for it during the week and I find it very relaxing. I made Homemade Granola. Apparently, Riley liked it (who knew?).
8. More baking- blueberry whole-grain muffins. I'm not a huge muffin fan, but these are pretty good because they aren't too sweet and they are pretty healthy.
9. We played a rousing game of hide-n-seek. She was hiding in my cabinet.
10. Riley's toys at the end of the day.
11. Heading out on our evening walk.
12. My neighbor gave me a bunch of tomatoes. Yumm-o! I can't wait to use them.

Following Eve's advice

Cape Meares Lighthouse, August 2010

Cherish your solitude.
Take trains by yourself to places you have never been.
Sleep alone under the stars.
Learn how to drive a stick shift.
Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back.
Say no when you don’t want to do something.
Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees.
Decide whether you want to be liked or admired.
Believe in kissing.

– Eve Ensler

*This quote comes to me unbidden at times. It's one way that I know I need to be listening to my own voice, and ignoring everyone else's.

That Eve...she's a wise woman.

Non-Race Report

Tonight, as I am typing this post, I am sitting with my feet in an ice bath. I ran hard yesterday, and even though I just did an easy recovery run and some plyometrics today, my feet are still very sore. My heels are tender and my toes ache. In anticipation of possibly doing an Olympic length triathlon in October, I've been working on my running form and speed, trying to run with more of a forefoot strike. I'm noticing some improvement in both speed and endurance, but I still get this way after a hard run. Normally, I would find a little bit of pleasure in the pain, because I like the feeling of pushing my physical limits a bit further than I had to, I like when I know I have given something my all. But tonight, the achey feet and the ice bath are serving as a reminder that I'm working on running, not biking, like I'd really prefer to be doing.

If you've been following my blog for a while, you might remember that I had plans to ride LOTOJA tomorrow. It's something I've wanted to do for years, and something that I have been eagerly anticipating and working towards. I have spent lots of time training for it, lots of time thinking about training for it, and lots of time talking about training for it. I have driven people I love nuts with my obsession for cycling in general, and this race in particular. But in about July, it became clear to me that it was very likely not going to happen for me, at least not this year.

The physicality of this goal wasn't the reason I decided not do it. I guess 206 miles could be considered intimidating, but I just saw it as a fun challenge, as a way to force me to push further than I had before. I knew then, and I still know, that I can do it physically, given the appropriate training. But training requires time and dedication, and while the dedication was in place, time is one thing I had little of this summer. My work is very demanding, and the times I had to train (usually when Riley was with her dad) were unpredictable and complicated. I had some personal issues to deal with that took a lot more time and energy than I had anticipated and I ran into a couple of minor health issues that put me out of intense training for about a month. I realized in July that, in order to really be ready for this ride, I would have to do nothing, i mean nothing, besides train for the remainder of July, all of August and the first week of September. Which meant no trip to Oregon, no weekends in Bear Lake, not as much time with my family when they needed me, and most distressing to me, I would have to put Riley with a babysitter every day of every weekend for about 8-10 hours.

I couldn't bring myself to commit to this. The cost was way too high, even for a long-held goal.

Letting go of this was not easy. I had several people tell me that it's just a long bike race and not worth the amount of work and worry I was putting into it. I even had one person tell me that it wasn't worth doing because there was no monetary return on the investment *insert head shake/eye roll here*. I know all of this was well meaning, but clearly these people didn't understand me at all, or the drive behind doing something like this. I wanted to ride LOTOJA to prove something to myself, to answer a question I had about my own abilities and to accomplish something new. Letting go of it meant putting these things off for at least another year, maybe more. I realize now that as long as I am single parenting my child, LOTOJA might not happen due to the sheer time commitment necessary. As it stands, I can't do the 5 am rides before work or the long weekend training rides without seriously sacrificing my child's stability. And although I firmly believe it's good for mother's to have goals and ambitions outside of motherhood, I am not willing to sacrifice her happiness and health for this. She needs more than that and she deserves better than that. I guess she'll have to settle for watching me do triathlons, not major long distance bike races. (note to all you single parents out there: triathlon training is much more flexible and easier to fit into a crazy schedule).

I know that I made the right decision, but it still stings. Today, as some of my friends were preparing for their race, I hugged them, gave them very heartfelt good wishes, and then closed my office door and tried not to let the tears fall. Tonight, I am sending them every single bit of light and energy I can, because I love it when people I love do amazing things. I still wish I were racing tomorrow, but I know that tonight, I'm exactly where I should be: soaking my aching feet and listening to my daughter talk to her baby doll in bed.

Missing the Twinners

T in the water, L in the background

My sister and her family returned home after being here for about two and a half weeks, and I'm missing my twinner nephews, missing them in the way only an aunt can (you know what I mean, right?).

Missing their sturdy little legs and their silky black hair.
Missing how they make car sounds whenever a vehicle is present.
Missing how they try to sit on my dog.
Missing how I have to look directly at their faces to tell them apart...L has the liquid brown eyes (oh, those eyes are gonna melt some hearts some day), and T has the wide, delighted grin.
Missing how they curl into their mama's shoulder.
Missing how they grab fistfuls of the other's hair when they are fighting.
Missing the weird little twinner actions - movements they do simultaneously, for no apparent reason.
Missing the twin talk.

Oh, I am missing those little men BIG!

Becky, BRING THEM BACK!

Today

Today, I am:

*sticking close to home; cleaning out closets, organizing cupboards, hanging photos, making lists. It feels good to give my home a little TLC.

*feeling a little bit sore from a very active weekend. I love when my muscles remind me that I've worked them hard, but they are loyal, and still willing to give more.

*dreaming about the many delights on my fall agenda....a couple of cycling weekends in Moab, a jet-ski adventure, Squam by the sea, hikes to see the changing leaves, Ute football games, USU homecoming. Mmmmm....I love Autumn.

*planning my handmade Christmas. I've decided to make most of my Christmas gifts this year, which means I need to get started soon.

*snuggling with my girl, who isn't feeling her best today. Hoping she feels better soon, but enjoying the cuddles anyway.

*trying to convince Riley that mascara does not belong on a three year old. She isn't buying it.

*excited to watch the Boise/Virginia Tech game this evening. Go Broncos!

*taking inventory of what the girl needs for her fall wardrobe. She's growing so fast and is so tall...I know jeans are on the list. What else?

*working on my "September Project". (I haven't had a chance to tell you about this, but it's coming, I promise. )

What does your labor day look like?

Gratitude Friday (On Saturday, but whatever...)

This has been a whirlwind week, full of lots of fun and good times, and I'm just barely finding time to sit and write the gratitude Friday list I have been composing in my head since yesterday. It's funny, because the crazy-busy weeks are the ones where I feel like I need to write these the most. For some reason, the busy days seem to make me more aware of the great things I have going for me.

**Riley and I have been able to spend some time with four of my favorite people this week - my sister and her husband and my super-adorable twinner nephews. Oh, how I adore this family.
**I made a bit of a breakthrough on some work problems I've been mulling over/working through recently. There are still kinks to work out, but it's giving me a renewed sense of satisfaction and a lot to look forward to.

**I've felt a bit 'off' this summer, in terms of working towards the physical goals I have, but I seemed to have found my mojo again over the past couple of weeks. I love the feeling of being very tired, rather sore, but happy to be so because it means I have pushed past another barrier.

**To celebrate Riley's birthday, we had a little party for her in her daycare classroom. It is always so reassuring for me to see how loved and well-cared for she is there. I know that there are all kinds of horror stories about daycare out there, but I've been nothing but thrilled with her experiences. Being in daycare gives my daughter the social development that she needs at this age, and she learns so much from her peers and the dedicated teachers. I'm so grateful for everyone there.
**This past week, I had an experience that, while very difficult emotionally and mentally, turned out to be an opportunity to really stretch and grow. I walked away from it feeling stronger, more sure of myself and my decisions, and happy to be where I am at. These are the kinds of experiences that shape us into who we become, and while I am just fine to never repeat some of them, I'm truly grateful for them.

**And since it's September 4th, which is my personal self-proclaimed holiday (read about it here), I'll end this post by saying how grateful I am for how far I have come, personally, in the past three years, and for who I am today. For the amazing family and friends who are there for me, no matter what, and for everything they've taught me on my way. Today, instead of throwing a party or indulging in some shopping or spa-time, I have chosen instead to be very mindful of the blessings I have... For life and love, for family and friends, for challenges and celebrations, for health and healing...Today, (and everyday) I am grateful.

Celebrating three years of motherhood

Three years ago today, my life changed in the most miraculous way. I was given the best birthday gift anyone could ask for, the chance to be a mother to the sweetest, sassiest, sunniest little girl. She makes my life rich and wonderful in more ways than I can count. Sharing the same birthday reminds me to treasure her and cherish the opportunity I have to be her mother, that learning to love the way I love her is the most important gift I could be given. I can't imagine where I would be today without her.

To the one who makes me push further, run faster, do my best, laugh more, enjoy the hell out of life, work to make myself better each day, the one who teaches me patience, reminds me to be a good example, and loves me more than I deserve at times....happy birthday, Riley. I hope I can be everything you need and deserve in a mother.

I love you so, SO much.

xxox
Mama