Non-Race Report

Tonight, as I am typing this post, I am sitting with my feet in an ice bath. I ran hard yesterday, and even though I just did an easy recovery run and some plyometrics today, my feet are still very sore. My heels are tender and my toes ache. In anticipation of possibly doing an Olympic length triathlon in October, I've been working on my running form and speed, trying to run with more of a forefoot strike. I'm noticing some improvement in both speed and endurance, but I still get this way after a hard run. Normally, I would find a little bit of pleasure in the pain, because I like the feeling of pushing my physical limits a bit further than I had to, I like when I know I have given something my all. But tonight, the achey feet and the ice bath are serving as a reminder that I'm working on running, not biking, like I'd really prefer to be doing.

If you've been following my blog for a while, you might remember that I had plans to ride LOTOJA tomorrow. It's something I've wanted to do for years, and something that I have been eagerly anticipating and working towards. I have spent lots of time training for it, lots of time thinking about training for it, and lots of time talking about training for it. I have driven people I love nuts with my obsession for cycling in general, and this race in particular. But in about July, it became clear to me that it was very likely not going to happen for me, at least not this year.

The physicality of this goal wasn't the reason I decided not do it. I guess 206 miles could be considered intimidating, but I just saw it as a fun challenge, as a way to force me to push further than I had before. I knew then, and I still know, that I can do it physically, given the appropriate training. But training requires time and dedication, and while the dedication was in place, time is one thing I had little of this summer. My work is very demanding, and the times I had to train (usually when Riley was with her dad) were unpredictable and complicated. I had some personal issues to deal with that took a lot more time and energy than I had anticipated and I ran into a couple of minor health issues that put me out of intense training for about a month. I realized in July that, in order to really be ready for this ride, I would have to do nothing, i mean nothing, besides train for the remainder of July, all of August and the first week of September. Which meant no trip to Oregon, no weekends in Bear Lake, not as much time with my family when they needed me, and most distressing to me, I would have to put Riley with a babysitter every day of every weekend for about 8-10 hours.

I couldn't bring myself to commit to this. The cost was way too high, even for a long-held goal.

Letting go of this was not easy. I had several people tell me that it's just a long bike race and not worth the amount of work and worry I was putting into it. I even had one person tell me that it wasn't worth doing because there was no monetary return on the investment *insert head shake/eye roll here*. I know all of this was well meaning, but clearly these people didn't understand me at all, or the drive behind doing something like this. I wanted to ride LOTOJA to prove something to myself, to answer a question I had about my own abilities and to accomplish something new. Letting go of it meant putting these things off for at least another year, maybe more. I realize now that as long as I am single parenting my child, LOTOJA might not happen due to the sheer time commitment necessary. As it stands, I can't do the 5 am rides before work or the long weekend training rides without seriously sacrificing my child's stability. And although I firmly believe it's good for mother's to have goals and ambitions outside of motherhood, I am not willing to sacrifice her happiness and health for this. She needs more than that and she deserves better than that. I guess she'll have to settle for watching me do triathlons, not major long distance bike races. (note to all you single parents out there: triathlon training is much more flexible and easier to fit into a crazy schedule).

I know that I made the right decision, but it still stings. Today, as some of my friends were preparing for their race, I hugged them, gave them very heartfelt good wishes, and then closed my office door and tried not to let the tears fall. Tonight, I am sending them every single bit of light and energy I can, because I love it when people I love do amazing things. I still wish I were racing tomorrow, but I know that tonight, I'm exactly where I should be: soaking my aching feet and listening to my daughter talk to her baby doll in bed.