Going to Ground

It's rare for me to get sick, rarer still for me to take time off work to recuperate.
I tend to soldier through until I emerge on the other side.
It's rare for me to spend not just one day, but f-o-u-r, in bed asleep.
I tend to, at the very least, try to keep up with my email or catch up on reading.
It's rare for me to spend the evenings curled up on the couch with Riley, watching movies.
I tend to make sure we stay busy and active.
It's rare for me to not feel guilty about all this rest and downtime.
I tend to berate myself for leisure when I feel like I should be working.

I've spent most of the week at home, recuperating from an unexpected sinus infection (I mean -- seriously, people--it's AUGUST!) and sleeping off the effects of the illness and the antibiotics. Although I'm over the worst of it, I'm still tired and I do hope to regain some of my usual energy soon.

I'm grateful that I had the chance to go to ground this past week, to recover and to restore. I'm grateful that I'm learning that, although hard to do, sometimes I need to care for myself first.

"Healthy and Strong"

Now that Riley is getting a bit older, one of the things that I am really enjoying is the opportunity I have to share some of the things I love with her. Not only do I get to spend more quality time with her, but it also provides a chance for me to teach her about those things I value. We've been talking a lot lately about what it means to be "Healthy and Strong", how important it is to live an active lifestyle, and how lucky we are to live in a place with such beautiful surroundings.
I got her out on snowshoes for the first time today, and the Girl took to it like a fish to water. Granted, we only tromped around our front yard for a while so she could get the feel of maneuvering her feet with big shoes attached, but she did great-fantastic balance and completely at ease right from the start. We have big plans to tackle the short hike in Memory Grove tomorrow afternoon and we're both excited to see how it goes.
I love being able to teach my daughter through my example to be active, and that living a "Healthy and Strong Life" is an important thing to strive for. It's fun for me to see her enjoy the outdoors and want to try something I love to do. Another thing I love about these photos is that I can see evidence of me here: ponytail, yoga pants, fleece and snowshoes.

Yep, she's my girl alright.

What's going on around here

A quick update on what's been going on around here:

Riley
After a week of being super-sick, Riley is almost back on top of her game. She's been much better this week, but she's still not operating at 100%. She continues to be more tired than normal and is a wee bit irritable, which is not the norm for my sunny, happy little one. I'm confident she's on the mend, however, and will be back to herself very soon.

Me
After being out of work most of last week with a sick girl, this week has been all about digging out, getting back on top of things at work and at home. It always amazes me how everything just seems to drop when you have a sick little one. I've been really focused and productive at work this week, and I think I'm pretty much caught up there, which is good because there are some really busy weeks ahead and I hate going into a busy time already behind. I'm digging my way out at home, as well, and I am grateful that Riley is with her dad this weekend so I have some time and space to really get things done. With any luck, I'll have some time left to do some cross country skiing, too.

Op: UK
My work on the kitchen was way-laid for a while by the sickies, but it's back on. This week, I took the first big step and had a wall cut out. Where you once saw this:
You now see this (ignore the construction chaos):
If you are looking into my kitchen from the dining area, you see this:
It's so much more open than it was before. I can stand at my stove and see the whole living and dining room. It's fantastic! I've also removed cabinet doors and sanded down the frames on one side. I started painting the cabinet frames and the walls behind the refrigerator and the stove tonight. It's coming. Slowly, slowly, but it's coming along. I still can't decide on countertops, though. I keep going between the less expensive IKEA butcher block (which I like and looks nice) and just springing for solid surface (which I really like but is significantly more expensive). Any opinions out there?

The unexpected benefit to working on my kitchen is the chance to thoroughly and completely deep clean it. I pulled my fridge out to clean and paint behind it, which I haven't done in, oh... you know....ever (don't judge me) and it was horrifying and strangely satisfying. I'm currently degreasing and de-gunkifying my oven hood (the filters are soaking while I post this). And I solemnly swear that I'll buy oven cleaner tomorrow so it doesn't feel left out. It's sorta like I'm spring cleaning early, but in all reality I never spring clean because by the time spring comes, I just want to ride my bike. But I digress...

That's what's happening over here this week. It's been a full, busy, somewhat overwhelming week and I'm glad to have it over and to have my weekend stretching out before me. I hope your's is fabulous.

What I know tonight

'Be, Balance, Breathe'

We're on the other side of a week of the sickies.
We've been here before.
I know this game.
I know what to expect.
I know that it will take longer than I think it should to dig out.
I know that both the Girl and I will be more tired (more irritable, less patient) than usual.
I know she'll need extra snuggle time.
I know I probably need it just as much, maybe even more.
I know I'll feel behind at work.
I know I'll catch up soon enough.
I know I'll feel behind at home.
I know I won't catch up on that quite as quickly.
I know I'll feel like skipping workouts.
I know I'll go anyway.
I know I'll feel better for doing it.
I know I need to put myself first sometimes, too.
I know I will have to pull into myself for a while, to get past the deluge on my 'to-do' list.
I know those who know and understand me understand this.
I know these times happen.
I know they'll happen again.
I know I have the "get through it" directions on my mirror.
I know I have to let myself just 'BE'.
I know I must try to find some 'BALANCE'.
I know how to 'BREATHE'.

And that's all I need to know.

December Views

I originally thought that participating in December Views was more than I could handle right now. The idea of posting every. single. day for a month is a bit overwhelming, but the more I thought about it, and the more I embraced the idea that there are NO rules (this is a hard concept for me to grasp)- I decided to go for it. It will be a great way to record what December is about for me and how it looks in my little corner of the world.

My thoughts today have been about maintaining health and wholeness during the hectic holiday season. It can get so crazy, and time seems to fly by, but I'm committing to staying on track and taking care of myself FIRST, so I can take care of the rest of my life. Self-preservation, baby. Self-preservation.

Grateful for A Healthy Life

There was a time in my life that I didn't appreciate my body and didn't value my health. I didn't take care of it, ignored it, and filled it with junk. Not surprisingly, I felt awful. I was sluggish and slow and I suffered migraines, back aches, any number of physical symptoms. In hindsight, I realize that my physical health was all tied up with my mental and emotional state. I was deeply unhappy, in an unhealthy marriage, and taking care of myself just wasn't something that was high on my list of priorities.

My return to good health started after I had my baby. It began as a way to lose the weight I had gained while I was pregnant, but I quickly found that exercise was a great stress reliever, something I desperately needed at the time. I was navigating my way through a divorce, had a newborn, and was working full time at a demanding job. Working out was usually the only thing I could do for myself and the only time I had to myself in the course of the day. Exercise led to better eating habits, better eating habits led to better sleep, better sleep made it possible to deal with the emotional demands of single motherhood, and dealing with those made me feel lighter and more stable. This led to increased energy, which led to...well, you can see...it's a cyclical thing.

Fast forward three years, and I feel like I am in the best health of my life. I bike, I swim (I learned a couple of years ago despite being terrified of it), I run (well, I don't for a couple more weeks-I'm rehabbing a torn hip flexor) and I make it a point to stay active all the time. I can bust out a triathlon with a few days notice. I can ride my bike insane amounts of miles if I feel the desire to do so. I am currently working on getting a more regular yoga practice incorporated into my day. I feel great about all of those things, but besides being phsyically fit, I am emotionally, mentally and spiritually healthy. I don't get sick, I rarely get headaches, I never suffer from backaches....I'm able to keep up with my fast-paced life and be the active, fun person and mother that I want to be. I'm happy and I get to teach Riley by example that good health is multi-dimensional and something that should be a priority in our lives.

It's not always easy to be healthy and balanced, and I don't believe it's really a destination you arrive at and - BAM!- you've achieved it. It's a continual pursuit, a way of life, a choice that you are constantly making, and I've learned to live with the 'two steps forward, one step back' approach. I truly believe, however, that good health is something that has to be prioritized in order to live a happy life. It's something that I, personally, treasure more than any money in the bank, more than any material possession. It allows me to fully enjoy my amazing life and all the incredible people and wonderful experiences that fill it up. And for that, I am so grateful.

Superhero

This exchange came out of nowhere this morning...

"Mama, you are STRONG!"

"It's because I exercise and eat food that's good for me."

"Mama, are you healthy?"

"Yes, Riley, I am healthy."

"Mama, you are so pretty!"

"Thanks, baby. I think you are so pretty!"

"Mama, do you love me sooo much?"

"Yes, Riley, I love you so so so soooooo much!"

"Mama, I know what you are!" *Excited clapping*

"Really? What am I?"

"You're a superhero! You're MY superhero!"

*tears and smiles all around*

Really good things

I've got some really good things going on around here. Thought I'd share....

**Another successful week in potty training. She's so proud of herself, and I'm so happy to see her reach this milestone. Life is one step simpler.

**A lunch date with a friend who just gets me. When I left, I felt lightened and heard and understood (and I think she felt the same). Thanks, afm.

**Managed to fit in a couple of runs, 2 swim workouts, a brick swim/bike workout, a couple of bike rides, and a little bit of yoga into a very full week. My training is feeling balanced again, and that feels really, really good.

**An opportunity to explore Portland came up, somewhat unexpectedly, and I jumped on it. I'm excited to satisfy a little bit of personal and professional curiosity and check out a city I don't know. And thanks to the generosity of a couple of great friends, I have a place to stay. Thanks, La Familia Staley. You guys rock - TO THE MAX!!

**A very late night/very early morning phone call from Eastern Europe that had me laughing, crying, and missing a good friend very much. Love you, NR. You better show up in Utah soon.

**My sister, who knows just what I need to hear, often before I know it, and who makes sure the right words are texted, said over the phone, or in my email inbox.

**Riley has been asking to go 'camping' and I was a bit hesitant to trek her out to the forest by myself, set up a tent, and indulge her. That just seemed like a recipe for disaster. Luckily, my Dad offered his camper, so this holiday weekend, we're 'roughing it' in his driveway. It will be so much fun for her and me!

**My friend's baby is home and doing well (she was born at 34 weeks and needed several days in the NICU), and my new niece is here and happy and healthy. I am so grateful for these new little ones in my life. Just thinking about them makes me smile.

There is so much to be happy about, so many things to be grateful for...Truly, I am b.l.e.s.s.e.d.

**Randomness**

Me and my shadow

Just some random stuff that has been wandering through my head-space today:

*I have been playing classical music in the mornings, because I find it to be a soothing and non-assaulting way to wake up. The unexpected benefit is that it seems to help Riley stay a bit more calm and focused on getting out the door and on our way. Win-win.

*It's so nice to have a friend who shops online and forwards suggestions to you, especially one that knows what you need because she knows every item in your closet, and instinctively knows what will look good on you. And it's even nicer when you don't like to shop and don't have time for it.

*I've been enjoying experimenting with new, healthier ingredients in everyday cooking. Things like agave nectar, greek yogurt and different whole grains are easy to use and a better option than many of my usual, go-to ingredients.

*Riley spent the evening with some friends last night, and came home with feet that were filthy from playing outside.
When we were getting her ready for bed, I asked "What does it mean when you have such dirty feet?"
The answer I was looking for: "It means I need to wash them."
The answer I got: "It means I had FUN, Mama!"
I liked her answer much better.

*When one of your favorite people lives in Hawaii, it's pretty much criminal not to visit her there, right? I need to start looking for tickets.

*Mae West was right: Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.

*I've been finding inspiration in the most unexpected places lately. I love it when the Universe hands out small gifts like this.

*A little bit of yoga is better than none at all.

*I CANNOT wait until Squam by the Sea in October. I'm dreaming of days on the beach, lighthouses, time with my girls....heaven.

*I want some brown cowboy boots....the more beat-up, the better.

Everything I learned about priorities, I learned from my ex-boyfriend

Ok, the title of this post is a slight exaggeration (well, a pretty big one, actually). First of all, I wouldn't call this person an "ex-boyfriend" but rather "a guy I used to date, off and on, for a while". Second, he certainly didn't teach me everything i know about priorities, but he certainly reinforced a few things for me.

I'll refer to this guy "Barnes & Noble" because I met him at- you guessed it- Barnes & Noble. He was picking out books for his nephew, I was buying books for Riley. He asked for my opinion and then for my phone number. Great guy, lots of fun, but ultimately not right for me in the long run.

B&N had made a lot of money in the dot-com world and got out of it before it collapsed. He invested wisely and was pretty much able to retire at 37 in Park City. He often told people that his life was better than their vacation, and to a lot of people, this was true. When he worked, it was at one of his investments businesses (which pretty much ran themselves) and I never, ever saw him work more than a couple of hours at a time. He was a sponsored extreme skiier, so I guess the hours he spent on the mountain could be considered work, but ultimately he just loved to ski. He lived for it. It was his top priority and that is what he spent the majority of his time and money on. And when he wasn't skiing, he was doing something in the pursuit of improving his time on the skis-he ran, he biked, he climbed, but only because they would keep him fit on the off season. He definitely put his money where his mouth was in terms of his theory on priorities. He lived modestly in a small condo, drove an old truck and hadn't been home to see his family in the south for several years, all in the name of devoting more time and money to his priority, skiing.

Can you see why we wouldn't work out, long term? Besides some glaring lifestyle differences, a family and children weren't on his priority list - and they definitely are on mine. Still, I often think about him and what I learned by watching him worship at the alter of powderdays when I am thinking about priorities.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about priorities.

Every so often, we are handed an opportunity to re-evaluate our lives, and the chance to make sure our hearts and heads are lining up, that we are being true to what we believe and who we want to be. Every so often, we find that we have the space to make changes, to do some things differently. This is a huge gift and one I have learned not to waste.

I'm in such a re-evaluation phase right now. I've been examining all areas of my life, looking at where I am at physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I've spent a lot of time determining what my priorities are right now (knowing that priorities will shift and change because life will shift and change) and seeing where I need to make some adjustments so that my head, heart, time and money are all telling the same story.

I can pretty much sum up my priorities in a short, brief sentence: my top two priorities are to be happy and healthy and to give Riley what she needs to be happy and healthy. Yes, this is a very broad sentence, but health and happiness are very broad ideas. They are dynamic and organic and the subtlties and nuances are what make happiness and health so rich and so wonderful. They are different for every person. I have specific ideas on what this means for her and what this means for me, but the details are unimportant.

I'm pleased with the way most things are lining up, with the way I am choosing to spend my resources. Of course there is still some work to do, because there is always work to do (If I didn't view my life as a constant source of self-improvement projects, I'd be so bored) but I am doing ok with what I have been given. It feels good to be able to say that and to be proud of the life I've created for us.

I'm healthy. I'm happy. Riley is healthy. Riley is happy. We have a great life with lots of friends and family who love us and support us. My priorities are showing up in our lives.

I guess I'm proof positive that B&N's theory has some merit.


My number one priority - September 2009

What's ringing true for me today

**While most of the people I know professionally are intelligent, kind, and generous people, there are a few who are simply mean, back-stabbing, untrustworthy and small minded. The only way to counter this is with honesty, carefully considered responses, and transparency. It's not worth the energy to worry about past that, and they usually back themselves into a corner and look foolish anyway.

**I feel much better, think more clearly, and am more myself when I get enough sleep. I need to make this a priority. It's an integral part of self-care and one I often ignore.

**The promise of a shipment from Zappos makes a rough week exponentially more bearable.

**You know how it feels when your friend just gets where you are coming from, when they understand everything that you left unsaid and when they can honestly say "I've been there and you are doing the right thing"? That feeling is truly a gift beyond measure. Thanks, LN.

**I need to let myself off the hook once in a while. Being goal oriented is one thing. Being hard on myself because I didn't meet a random self-imposed deadline is taking it a little too far.

**I will not apologize for being who I am, thinking how I think, and remaining true to myself. If someone doesn't like it, they can SUCK IT.

**I've been through enough to recognize when I need to listen to my intuition and carefully examine my actions, thoughts and priorities. I trust myself completely and I need to remember that there is a good reason that I do.

April Goals (or, Trying to Stay on Track)

I have less than 7 weeks until my first triathlon of the season, so to give myself a different sort of motivation AND to bring my training to the next level, i'm planning to completing the distance of FOUR olympic tris by the end of April.

So that means I'll be:

• Swimming 1500 meters (or about 1650 yards)

• Biking 40 kilometers (or about 25 miles) AND

• Running 10 kilometers (or 6.2 miles)

Once a week for the entire month. On top of this, I plan on keeping up my regular strength and cross-training workouts.

I'll be posting my progress once a week through the month so you all can harass me if I'm not keeping up my end of the bargain. And since I'm a believer in rewarding oneself for goals met, I guess I'll have to think of a suitable reward. Hmmmm.....new mountain bike, maybe?

Under the Weather

Waiting to be seen in the Emergency Room

I spent this past weekend with a very sick child. She was not feeling well on Saturday. By late Saturday night, I was pretty worried (and I am very level-headed when it comes to dealing with a sick kid). By early Sunday morning (3 am or so) , I figured we'd end up in the ER. By Sunday at noon, I was sure of it. We headed in around 2 pm when her breathing started to frighten me. We ended up staying the night and coming home on Monday morning.

That night, when my restless, wound up girl finally gave in to her need for sleep, I sat on the makeshift bed in the corner of her hospital room. I was exhausted, the kind of tired where you ache into your bones and your body seems incapable of any kind of coherent movement. I recognized this tired. I've felt this tired before, and i'll feel it many more times as I raise her.

It's the tired you feel after months of carrying them inside of you, when, even though they haven't yet arrived in your world, their needs supercede your own. It's the tired you feel when you finally hold them, after pushing through the pain of labor and the elation of delivery. It's the tired you feel when they won't sleep, when they won't eat, when you walk the floors with them night after night after night. It's the tired you feel when you've gone to battle against their first colds, staying awake even when they sleep, to make sure their breath is still even. It's the tired you feel because you put them first, because they need you more than you need rest, because they are the best reason there is to watch the twilight fade into the dawn.

She slept for several hours, and I stood guard over her breathing, tickled her arm to ward away her nightmares, protected her from the monitors that startled her into semi-consciousness whenever they alarmed. And as the minutes ticked away, the second hand of the clock on the wall an audible reminder of their passing, my thoughts turned to the many good things I had in that moment.

*a child who is basically healthy and happy, barring a few brief bouts of illness.
*incredible health insurance, making money the least of my concerns that night.
*a pediatrician who is also a friend, allowing us to contact her easily and often.
*a fantastic children's hospital only minutes from my home.
*a flexible job that is understanding and helpful as I deal with the unique needs of single parenthood.
*family who are concerned and loving, calling often to check on us and see how we are.
*friends who stand by us night and day, as evidenced by many late night calls, texts and a few in- person visits from those who happened to be working at the hospital that night.
*neighbors who have become our adopted family, who took care of things on the home front so i didn't need to worry about my dog or my condo.

As I found more to be grateful for, the calmer and more peaceful I felt. The tiredness didn't abate, it never does. But the love I have for my child, the love she gives back to me, and the love that is given to us from our friends and family...it was enough to get me through.

Once again, I was reminded to be grateful. We have everything we need.

Riley loved the moving hospital bed and getting to eat dinner while watching TV in bed.