Beautiful Easter Day

My sleep has been disturbed the past several nights.  Horrific images, terrifying stories and disturbing ideas have run rampant in my mind during the time I am trying to rest.  The time I need to rejuvenate.  Often, I have ended up wandering around my condo, waiting for the hours to pass so I can get up and move on with the day.

Last night was the worst it has been.

Rather than waking refreshed on this beautiful Easter morning, instead I woke with all of those anxiety producing thoughts racing through my mind.   I felt physically ill from wakefulness of the night, felt like my skin was crawling with the aftermath of the dreams. 

I knew I needed to move my body in order to work though some of the thoughts in my mind, but I also knew I was in no shape, physically or mentally, to run or bike.  Instead, I grabbed my dog's leash, zipped up a fleece to ward off the chill of the early morning, and started walking.

We walked for miles this morning. 

We walked until my mind worked through some of what was bothering me.
We walked until I was able to let go of the disturbing images in my head.
We walked until angry words were no longer ringing in my ears.

and then we kept walking.

We walked until I noticed the spring time birds singing.
We walked until I heard the cathedral bells chime out their Easter morning greeting.
We walked until I could smell the sweet fragrance of a million tender blooms.
We walked until my eyes and mind were focused on the blossoming flowers, the budding trees, and the soft, sweet breeze.

and then we began to walk home.
And as we walked, I felt my heart open up, and I  began to feel grateful.

Grateful for the beautiful place I call home.
Grateful for the beautiful people I call family and friends.
Grateful for the beautiful girl who calls me 'Mom'.
Grateful for my faith, for forgiveness and for the future.

We arrived home, and I readied myself to attend church service, to celebrate the resurrection of my savior. 
And as I walked into my place of worship, I was no longer focused on the terrors of last night or the anxiety of this morning.

Instead, I entered with an open heart and a clear mind.
And simply gave thanks for the beauty of this day.

2010 word in review

Christmas Eve Sunset in Emigration Canyon, 2010

As many of you do, I choose a word to focus on each year, rather than setting resolutions that will likely be gone before valentines day. For 2010, I chose the word "build", and at the time this felt exactly right for me. I was anticipating some pretty big changes in my life, changes that would force me to stretch and grow and would shape and build an entirely different life for myself and for my child. Well, those changes didn't play out as I expected them to, and I've wondered from time to time whether "build" was the best word for me to focus on this year. Still, it felt so right that I couldn't abandon or ignore it, but instead kept trying to figure out how to "build" something out of the random mess I had before me.

Well, it turn out that over the past year, life has handed me the opportunity to begin building exactly what I want.

When I went to basic training, there was all this talk of "tearing down so you can be built back up". And basically, the drill instructors did just that. They annihilated every sense of self you might have gone into the military with, and then they put you back together into what you needed to be to function and thrive in that very new, very different world. You essentially learned how to walk, talk, eat and sleep in a way that supported "the mission". Brutal? Yes. Effective? Very much so.

Once the basic form was intact, the pressure let up, new training was applied, and you became what you were supposed to be, all tied up with medals and rank and a dress ribbon or two. On the day of my basic training graduation, I was so. damn. proud. of what I had done and who I had become. And I knew -I KNEW- that without the brute force and the humbling experiences and the moments that brought me to my knees, I would not have been as strong, as confident and as solid as I felt in that moment.

A big lesson for a 19 year old to learn, no?

In reflecting on my word of the year, I realize that this year has been defined by a lot of destruction work. Over and over again, I found myself questioning the things I thought I already knew, wondering if the life I thought I wanted was really the right life for me. I found myself doubting my decisions and evaluating my beliefs and weighing my options, and there was a whole lot of uncertainty and insecurity that hadn't been there before (or maybe, I was ignoring before). Many times, I felt like I was barely hanging on by my fingernails and I made some decisions that were just not good ones. I let myself make choices that I knew were not the best for me, I traded short term for long run, and tried to ignore the tiny whispers and then increasingly loud shouting that was coming from my heart. Then, because I believe in being thorough when I'm screwing up, I let the twin demons of guilt and shame mess around with my head while I tried to sort out how to uncover a life I recognized from the rubble of truth and consequences.

Finally, finally, I hit my limit. I'd had enough. I crawled out from under the wreckage, grabbed a sledgehammer and started pounding my way through all of this. I fired the voices in my head and began listening to my heart (they still keep trespassing but I'm getting better about recognizing them and chasing them away). I let go of some garbage that was clouding my judgment. I made some tough decisions that helped me get my life back on track, and then went through an even tougher process to erase some of the damage. I opened up new space in my soul by offering forgiveness to myself for the mess and then opened even more by offering forgiveness to others for past hurt i was holding onto. This whole process was, at times brutal, was very often humbling, and brought me to my knees time and time again. Still, it was exactly what I needed. Life broke certain parts of me down so I could 'build' myself back up into the person I wanted to be.

So even though the year is coming to its end, and my year of building didn't produce the grandiose changes I had envisioned for myself, I am happy with what I have built in the year 2010. It was a hard year, and at the end, I find that I'm more sure of myself and have a much more solid handle on who I am and what I believe. My values are more defined, my confidence is stronger and my heart and head are aligning on some very important points. I'm embracing faith in a way I wasn't able to before and I'm learning to offer myself some grace and self-compassion. I know what I want out of my life and I am committed to getting it. I'm building on past triumphs and past failures and I'm putting in a good, solid foundation for what I want for my (and my child's) future. I'm in a good place.

I'm in a very good place.

Only Love Remains

Only Love Remains

There are still words I wish we could say

Confessions to whisper,

apologies to offer

On bloodied knees if that would serve.

I’d open up my heart, let the contents spill out

The truths and lies,

the hopes and fears

Let them scatter across the ground

so we could sit down, sit next to each other

And sift through the remnants of what once was.

Turn the broken pieces over in our palms,

Examining them for the cracks,

the creases,

Finding the weaknesses

that allowed the fracture to occur.

Run tender fingers over the jagged edges while

time and distance heal the wounds.

I would hold your hands in mine, palm skyward

and trace your lifeline with my touch.

I’d remind you of the truths you already know.

Our past doesn't dictate

who and what we choose to become

And once forgiveness is offered,

Only love remains.