The Middle Space

Although I've been quiet on this topic until now, I've decided that it's time to write about what's happening in my personal life. I've received so many emails, so much heartfelt concern and love, and I am so appreciative of the warmth and kindness that has been extended to me. Many people have reached out to see how I am, and your words have meant so much. You can't know how much it fills me to have others take time to reach out when I am struggling. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I guess the easiest way to say this is just to say it. I'm no longer planning on getting married. Because the story doesn't belong solely to me, and because I'm still working my way through the many dynamics and complexities, I won't go into the details here. Instead, I will say that this is one of the hardest decision I've ever had to make, but I know it's the best thing for me right now. I will also say that I harbor no ill will or hard feelings. Truthfully, the man I had planned to share my life with is one of the most lovely and enjoyable men i have ever had the privilege to know. I wish him every happiness and hope that you all will send light and love his way, as you have mine.

I've found that when plans change drastically, when you set aside one set of dreams, there is always a bit of a lag time before you pick up the next set and start back on your way. This is the place where you shift from making plans for and with another and making them for and with only yourself, the place where you decide which parts of your life look great and which parts could use some polishing. It's the place where you paint your walls just because you are craving a change of scenery, where you write letters no one will ever read, where you bake bread in the middle of the night to make the long hours pass productively, and where you manage the storm of emotions that sneak up on you and catch you unaware. It's the place where you begin to seek health and balance and clarity and it's the place where, one day, you finally will find the space to breathe and hope and wish again. This place - it's simply the middle space.

Right now, I am thoroughly engulfed in the middle space.

Henry David Thoreau famously said: "Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each." I'm trying to remember this principle in relation to living in the middle space. It's in my nature to want to hurry things along, to get to the next milestone or reach the next goal, to push through regardless of pain or fatique. And while this tendency serves me well in some areas of my life, I know that being patient with my progress through the middle space is important. I've been here before, and each time I have found that taking my time, and taking advantage of the opportunities for reflection and revision, sets me up for graduating as a healthier, happier person with a clearer vision of where I am going and how I want my life to look. I'm trying to be gentle with myself, embrace the lessons as they come, and enjoy this gift of space and the freedom to do things differently and grow more fully into myself. I'm learning to enjoy the middle space.