Changing Perspective

Change has been a constant theme in my world for the past several months.  I've known for a while that my life needed some big shifts and I've done the work to bring them into reality.  Real estate has been bought and sold.  A different car now sits in my garage.  Some friendships have been deepened and strengthened and others have been been let go.  Priorities have been examined and altered, and big, tall, wide boundaries have been drawn to weed out as much drama and negativity as possible.   I've spent countless hours dismantling a belief structure I was born into to test the various parts for stability and resonance, and now I am steadily working to rebuild what works into a structure that makes room for the parts of me that don't fit into the box while keeping the pieces I love and cherish in the overall design.  I've purged some things and brought in others.  Good hell, I even own not one, but TWO, pairs of skinny jeans.  In some ways, I don't recognize this version of myself, and I mean that in a very good way.  The changes I'm working on making are turning me into a more authentic, more genuine version of myself.  This version might not be as patient with drama, or as willing to say yes when she means no, or as accepting of people who play the victim in their own self-created circumstance (this has been absolutely intolerable for me lately) but this version of me is more authentic, more open and is living closer to my truth than I have been for a while.  Basically, I like where these changes are taking me. 

Here's the strange truth about this self directed campaign of change:   I don't actually like change.  I like ease.  I like calm.  I like routine.  Sure, I like the occasional adventure to a new place or an impromptu roadtrip, but these are exceptions to the rule.  Throwing myself into the types of changes I've been making are almost always the exact opposite of ease and calm and routine, but I am enough of a Pinterest addict to know that sometimes, you have to do what you don't want to do to get what you want to get.  Or maybe that's from Rocky?  I don't know.  The point is still valid. 

None of this has been an easy process, but there has been a certain flow about it that keeps me moving forward, even when I want to push against the flow,  or turn and run like Satan himself was chasing me. 

There are still some big changes I am working to bring into reality, and I've noticed that sometimes, when I think about these kinds of big shifts, I start trying to talk myself out of them.  I hear the old taped loops of "nice girls don't..." or "be careful what you wish for...." or "you don't deserve ..." and I have to make a full and concerted effort to stop those stories where they are and tell myself the new and improved truth.  It's a constant, daily effort. 

Today, when those stories were rearing their ugly heads, I took a walk outside my office, hoping that a shift in scenery would bring about a shift in perspective.  I walked up and down the sidewalk pictured above, and I really focused on the clear blue sky and the leaves crunching under my feet.  The autumn air was cool and crisp, but the sun warmed my shoulders and hair, and I sat for a minute and simply brought my attention to the trees, resplendent in a wash of hazy gold.  After a few minutes of breath work, I felt better.  I snapped a quick pic of the gorgeous October afternoon, and I walked inside to resume my workday.

As I flipped through my phone tonight, I landed on that photo and thought about the big and intimidating changes I'm still working towards.  And then I realized that the entire beauty of the afternoon was brought to me by the process of change.  The leaves had changed from their simple spring green to the dreamy coppers and golds on display today.  The air was refreshingly chilly because the the seasons had changed from summer to fall.   Even the sun was warm on my face instead of high above and blocked by the trees because the change in seasons meant a change of the suns angle.  The earth doesn't fight change, but simply embraces it, lets it work it's magic, and in turn, change makes her shine. 

There's a big metaphor in this story for me.  Maybe there's one for you too?

Thank You, Alaska.

Thank you, Alaska.
For your rough and wild beauty.

For sunny days and soft, quiet nights. 

Noon, June 12th

Midnight, June 12th

And the twin gypsy spirits of freedom and adventure. 

Thank you, Alaska. 
For an intelligent and big-hearted sister.

And for molding my baby brother into an incredible man. 

 

 One who treasures and protects his family,
and makes no apologies for living life on his own terms.

 

 Thank you, Alaska.

For the sweetest, silliest baby niece  - a tiny pixie with a bold and sunny spirit.
This little one has captured my heart completely with her cheerful, charming ways. 

 

Thank you, Alaska.  
For the peace that came from the sea and the sky.
For the space to find the center of my soul,
and the courage to breathe light into a dusty, neglected corner of my heart.

 

 

Thank you, Alaska.
For letting me walk your mountains, 
Soak in your waters and
Marvel at the wonders you put before me.

You've caught a part of my soul- the part that craves adventure and altitude-
and it's speaking earnestly enough for me to know this now.


I'll be back.

A day in the garden

It's not often that I get a day to myself, with no demands, no obligations and no "must dos."  In fact, I can't actually remember the last time one of those days presented itself.  But it did today, and the timing couldn't have been more perfect. 

I spent most of the day outside.  I started with a long walk around my neighborhood with my dog, and when we returned, I found that the walls of my home couldn't contain my still-restless spirit.  So, with camera, and journal in hand, I went out again-seeking space, seeking breath, seeking peace.    

Initially, I was headed to my favorite canyon to hike, but I found myself drawn to Red Butte Garden, one of my favorite places in Salt Lake City.  Despite it being a much-loved place, I hadn't spent time there in a while, and after realizing how long it had been,  I changed my direction and went there instead. 

 The light was perfect, so I wandered the trails with camera in hand; enjoying the cool day, the sounds of the birds and the insects, and of course the flowers that, although they are beginning to fade with autumn's approach, are still staggeringly beautiful.

I walked the entire garden with my camera, waiting for the words I needed to surrender to the page.  After an hour of photographing the beauty I found all around,  I retreated to my favorite spot - the fragrance garden- and settled in to write.  I waited for few minutes, eyes closed until I felt the words on the edge of my breath, and then- I wrote. 

I wrote about feelings I hadn't known how to describe, and yet the words kept showing up.  I wrote about how I felt about my life, about what was going well and what needed to change.  I wrote about the joy I felt in where I'm at and how far I have come, and about the frustrations and questions I just can't quite get a lock on.  I wrote about the elation of watching my child learn to read and the lump I always get in my throat when she takes another big step towards independence.  I wrote about how blessed I am to be surrounded by wonderful and amazing friends and family and the loneliness that sometimes still sneaks up on me, catching me off guard.

 I wrote for well over an hour, my handwriting filling up pages and pages and pages and then, exhausted and emotionally drained, I simply sat there-silent-for almost another hour.

Tonight, as I was uploading the photos from today, I was struck by how much I needed today, how much we all need days like today.  I needed this time to myself, time away from the daily demands of life, work, motherhood, etc. to just reflect on where I am, how I am living, what I am giving, and what direction I need to be moving towards.  I'm not sure I am any closer to the answers, but I feel lighter and more peaceful after having handed over the burden of those words to the waiting pages. 

Check.

Over the weekend, we spent a fantastic day with good friends, enjoying perfect weather and great company.  And as a bonus, Riley got to check off the first item on our summer bucket list. 

We went for a little hike up Toll Canyon - close to Park City.  The scenery was beautiful, the trail easy and accomodating, but the kiddos found the river to be the highlight of the hike. 

 

Well, I know Riley did, anyway.  The Girl's a water-baby, for sure. 

 

 Thanks, Brenna, Jeff, Luke and Arlo!  It was such a great day!

An unlikely dream

I have had the same recurring dream for the past few years.  In this dream, I am walking through these huge, weedy fields.  Usually I'm alone, sometimes I'm with people I love, but I'm always wandering through these vast expanses of land.  It sounds like it could be the setting of a very lonely place, but whenever I have this dream, whenever I see myself in these fields, I'm not at all lonely.  Rather I'm filled with a comfort that, for me, only comes with being outside in nature, and a calm that comes only from solitude.  I wake up yearning to find this type of life for myself.

 

I love these types of places, the open air and the open land.  There is something very soothing about the idea that I could walk for hours and not see another person.  Lately, I have been so drawn to the idea of rural living, of the hard work and the satisfaction that would come from this type of lifestyle. I want to greet the day by baking bread and hang my laundry out to dry. When I say this out loud, even to myself, I recognize that I'm probably only so enamored by this lifestyle because it's so different from how I live now, but still...the desire is very real and very deep.  Perhaps this type of yearning is from my Idaho roots, or perhaps it's just my mind's pushback to a busy, sometimes hectic, always people-filled lifestyle.  I know that the dream is one way my subconscious shows me that I need to find more time for me and more s-p-a-c-e.  Whatever it is about, it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

 

Maybe it's time to explore this type of life a little bit more, to try to understand what it is that is pulling me towards it.  Maybe I need more air and more space and more wandering.  Maybe I need to be surrounded by those things that comfort me: nature, land, water, and my family.  Maybe it's time to go home for the weekend and sink into it, to get my fill of the county, see if that will last me for a while while I figure it out.  Who knows what the future holds. Unlikely dreams come true, too.

 

Picture this

Picture five glorious days surrounded by beautiful scenery and creative energy.

Picture nights by the fire, letting laughter and friendship chase away the cold.

Picture learning a new skill and making new friends in the process.

Picture creeping vines giving way to riotous blooms of color.

Picture sunrise on the dock, the water calm and soothing after a night of storms.

Picture tiny gifts found at your feet.

Picture being with those that understand the whole of you, who know you in a way most can't.

Picture feeling the sun on your face, it's rays warming your body and healing your heart.

Picture watching the tiny movements of nature, and knowing there is something bigger than yourself at work. 

Picture a solitary afternoon on the dock, sorting through thoughts and emotions and finally finding the peace that comes when you know what steps to take next.

Picture a walk through the trees, letting yourself get lost and reminding yourself that you found yourself here before.  And that when you are at home in your soul, you are never really lost, anyway.