Showing up for myself.

A housekeeping item:
If you're a regular reader, you'll notice I'm back to my 'old' blog.  The new one never fit quite right.  It was scratchy at the seams and a little too short for my long arms and legs.  And while I loved the idea of starting in a new place, this is my most beloved corner of the internet and this is where I wanted to be.  So I'm gonna be here.  At least for now.  I've moved the other content over here so all is in one place, but there are some tweaks I'll be sorting out as I go.  Onwards and upwards. 

So, 2014 has, well...kinda sorta sucked so far.  There have been beautiful, amazing moments, for sure, but overall, it's sucked.  I could Pollyanna this for you, and run on with some blather about gratitude and letting go and sitting with the uncomfortableness and all that.  Someday I'll be in the headspace to appreciate those lessons, but right now, I'm willing to chalk the first couple of months of 2014 up to one simple statement:  "This.  Just.  Blows."  (Note to self:  When you choose "Space" as your word for 2014, you should expect that "Space" to manifest itself in uncomfortable and strange ways.  More on that later....)


This past weekend, as I wrestled with decisions and deadlines, and the overwhelming feelings of "I just do not know what I am doing" I heard a very quiet voice whisper back to me:  "Yes.  You do.  You absolutely do."  I argued.  I stated my case.  I laid down the facts and recounted the myriad ways I had screwed things up lately.  It was a strong argument and I ended it with the same statement.  "I just don't know what I am doing."  And the same voice became louder and more insistent.  "Yes.  You do.  Quit thinking.  Do something about it." 

Here's the thing:  the voice in my head was right  (note to my family: Yes, i'm acknowledging the voices in my head.  make sure you bookmark this page for my therapist's records, should you ever need to check me into the mental unit.)  I needed to take some sort of action.  Right then.  I'm in my head a lot, it's true, but the core of who I am is an action oriented do-er; a person who likes plans and goals.  I rarely solve my problems by "sitting" with them.  It's too esoteric and besides, I like to move.  Instead, I pedal or run or swim my way through them and the next step is usually waiting for me when I'm done.  So I got busy and I made a plan. 

It's pretty simple.  I'm done complaining and I'm done "sitting with" my issues and hoping they go away, and instead I'm going to start showing up for myself in all the ways that I know make a difference for me.   I'm going to show up for myself exactly as I am, dragging my imperfections and indecision and mistakes I've made behind me, and trust that they'll get lost or forgiven along the way.  I'm going to show up for myself because I can't really expect anyone else to solve my problems for me, and whining about them wasn't doing anything but adding to the drama of it all.  (And oh, good grief.  I hate drama. Especially when I'm the cause.)

I'm not sure what "showing up for myself" is going to look like each day.  I'm trying to be ok with that level of ambiguity.  Yesterday, it meant attending church services with an open heart and mind, and then taking a few minutes to meet up with and hug one of my dearest friends who was in from out of town.  Today it meant getting on the treadmill and running as far as I could manage in the time I had (it was only 3 miles, but hey- I'll take it.)    I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I am going to show up for myself.  As we say in my house - Pinky swear.