Confessions and Apologies

You all know that this is the summer of no men, right? Well, as I mentioned before, I did not give up the practice of flirting and by a weird and random circumstance, I met someone recently with whom I could practice this delicate and subtle art. It was fun, it was silly, it was romantic, it was sexy, but overall, I was just messing around. Just flirting. I thought he knew and understood this (I was very upfront about it), but as it turns out, he did not. Instead, he interpreted this to be the beginning of what might be a fun, silly, romantic, sexy relationship. Things progressed, as they do, and I started to feel very strongly that I needed to not be doing what I was doing, although I was only flirting with him. I knew he was getting attached, and I felt that it was not setting me up for a good situation and that I needed to be done with it. For good. Right NOW. Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars. Please note: he is an incredibly nice guy and did nothing wrong or creepy or weird. But still, I felt like I shouldn’t be messing around with his heart or his head (and my heart and my heart, for that matter) any longer.

So I went with the feeling. I cut things off and I knew I had done the right thing. The only regret I had was that in the process, I really, really hurt him. I said some things that were my own interpretations of the situation, based on past experiences, and they were unfair and made a lot of assumptions that were not necessarily right or true. It was unfair. It was immature. It was unkind. I could have (and should have) handled things very differently.

Because I’m me and I overthink E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G., I spent the next several days thinking it over and in doing so, I started to doubt my decisions and myself. Did I really feel like I needed to be done with him? Or was I just indulging my inner drama queen? Did I shut things down because I’m scared that letting someone get close makes me vulnerable? Am I going to do this with everyone? Am I just a bitter person who has made some mistakes and been terribly hurt and can’t get past that? Did I miss him, or just miss the idea of him (this question was posed by a very intuitive, very wise friend)? Was I just sabotaging myself by ‘inventing’ problems that didn’t actually exist?

As you can see, the gremlins of self doubt got to me pretty good, and I spent a day or two really in my own head over this. Finally, though, I did what I should have done in the first place. I prayed about it. I meditated over it. I talked to my good friends who know how i think and always have good advice. I wrote about it. I got my heart and my mind on the same page.

And I realized that I made the best decision I could have with the information I had. I still am not sure why I felt so strongly that I needed to break things off, but what I DO know is that it was the right thing to do and that I can trust myself to make the right decisions for me. This has been proven to me over and over and over again, so why did I doubt it? Why did I let myself get in my own way? I probably will never know why I felt this way, or why this decision was so important, but I know I made the right decision and I’m glad I followed my instincts.

There is one thing left to do before I set this whole situation aside. I need to apologize for how I handled it. Because he is not open to this right now, I’m going to put it out into the Universe so it’s waiting for him when he is.

I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me and I wish you every happiness.

And for those of you who reminded me of what I had forgotten, thank you.