It's funny how the truth breaks through when you aren't really expecting it.
Mine broke yesterday afternoon. It was a pretty typical Saturday-gym, errands, a minor situation that involved my mom's car and the cops who thought i stole it. The afternoon wound up with a trip to Jenica's so she could do my hair and my Girl could run off some energy with her littles. As J and I sat there chatting, waiting for the timer, the conversation turned to a decision I had talked to her about briefly a few nights before before. While I'm not going to get into the details of this decision here yet, I will say that it is something that will change the rhythm and flow of my current life dramatically. I think that's a good thing, but at the same time, right now, my life often operates in the manner of juggling a hundred balls in the air, and the thought of throwing something into the mix that has the potential to cause some serious upheaval is, well, frightening.
As we talked through the pros and cons, the discussion widened and opened up to not just this decision, but all the other things that are on my mind these days. From there, the truth just showed up. What tumbled out of my mouth was something to this effect: "The current pace of my life leaves very little emotional energy left over for the people I love and the things I love to do." As soon as I said it, I knew-I KNEW- I had said something very, very important. I felt every cell of my body vibrate with how real and how BIG that statement truly is.
And then, a whole lot of things made sense.
This is what I've been struggling with lately. This is why I have been pulling back from others and pulling into myself. This is why the decisions I'm facing with seem so huge. This is why life has felt so overwhelming. This is why I keep feeling the urgent need to simplify, declutter, cut down, back off. This is the reason I feel drawn to a rural existence. Intuitively, I've known for a while that a few things need to change around here, but I haven't been willing to openly express this. Instead, I've been trying to find a work-around, a temporary fix, sort of like trying to find something to plug the tiny little hole in my lifeboat while ignoring the tsunami warning my heart and mind keep issuing.
After finally speaking my truth out loud yesterday, there is no doubt in my mind that there are some big changes for me on the horizon. The Universe works like that. And while I like to think I welcome change and all it brings with it, the truth is that I'm feeling a little bit overwhelmed about how to get from here to there. Still, I am not one to sit around idle while my life unfolds around me, and the changes I need to make are going to require my direct involvement and initiative. As such, I've spent most of today thinking about the steps I need to take to make the life I'm envisioning a reality.
It's scary, the idea of stepping away from certain parts of myself that are such integral pieces of who I have become. The idea of my life functioning differently than it does now is both a relief and terrifying. I can't imagine making these changes and can't imagine not. I even woke up last night in a minor panic about how to proceed, now that I have made some decision on where I need to go from here. While lying there ruminating, my mind wandered around to the words that I woke up repeating the other morning "a time for bravery".
The changes I need to make are going to require calling up my bravery. I know I will be stepping out of my comfort zone and leaping into the unknown. I know I'm going to be tempted to stay the current course, rationalizing that it's really a great life and I've worked so hard and I know I'll have to talk myself right back out of that line of thinking. I know my day to day routine is going to shift, as will some of my relationships. I know I'm going to disappoint some poeple, and make others ecstatic . I'm nervous about all of these things. And a million more fears that I haven't written here.
But I also know that whenever I've stepped out of my comfort zone, whenever I've made big changes, whenever I've closed my eyes and jumped, whenever I've called up the bravery...that's when my life has shifted in amazing and wonderful and surprising ways. And I'm ready for the amazing. I'm ready for the wonderful. I'm ready for the surprising.
You hear that, Universe? I'm rallying my friends and family and faith and getting my brave on.
I'M READY!
Bring it.
8 comments:
YES.
so glad i could hold the space for you to commune with that moment.
you are READY.
xoxoxoxoxo
miss amy....i cling to your stength and bravery everyday. i am sure you don't know this or even consider it - but i do.as a young single mom...i
had non of it figured out. i did nothing with ease. well not much now either, but it is much better now. but i look at you and all that you have put out there and i have great respect for that. no matter what you do - it will be good. i am happy you have jenica there to talk to. she is a good one. miss all of my utah girls madly.
you girlie...shine.
on a happy HAPPY note... you are buying this house next door aren't you
the big move is coming to live next to me...isn't it! sweet.
no kelly, her big news is that she is moving to NJ to be closer to me, not middle earth. (although you would be one sweet neighbor). I agree, Amy, your strength and bravery, your ability to go for what you want, to stand on your own two feet, to face the difficult moments with humility and kindness for yourself and the process, it's really inspiring. i have so much admiration for the woman you are. i hope i can be as clear and as brave as you are someday.
love.
you are one of the bravest people I know my dear. Remember the only way to get where you want to go is to get uncomfortable and if there's one persons I know that can do it, it's you. just like j said. you are ready. you have been working toward this...you can do it.
love you.
You are brave and whatever changes you need/want to make...I'll be here cheering you on. And if you need an extra little push once in awhile, I can do that too! Can't wait to see what's on the horizon for you. xoxo
ok, Amy. Dying here. Do tell.
Can I just say that every word you wrote resonated with me?
Holding strong and positive thoughts for you as you move into this new space!
just remember to be UBER gentle with yourself and that you are not "losing" those aspects/parts of yourself that have defined you up til now-- you are simply tucking them away and letting OTHER parts of you surface-- they have served their purpose and now it's time to let new things blossom. Change is scary but most of the fear is in our minds-- in our anticipation (and false imaginings)-- if we go slowly into the new territory and go as slowly as we need-- it will feel natural, organic-- and exciting because HEY! it's new! and fun! and different can have its own exhiliration---
you have a TOTAL network of arms under you that make for the strongest net ever--- we're all here for you. xooxx, E
Post a Comment