talk to the hand

talk to the hand
Originally uploaded by amyanner

I'm ignoring the person that said unkind things. It's not worth my energy.

Glow

When i look at this picture, I realize that I am truly, madly, deeply in love with my life

And it makes me glow.

A Reminder To Myself

There is a little girl, with your face and hands, and wide blue eyes.
Innocent, sweet, but also clever and observant.
She watches you.
She sees you.
She does what you do and says what you say.
She loves you and needs you and wants to be near you.

Enjoy her.
Love her.
Adore her.
Make her feel safe and secure.
Give her the limits she needs but the space to explore the world around her.
Encourage her creativity.
Teach her how to work for what she wants.
Help her to find out who she is and who she can become.
Be a good example; from you she'll learn honestly, compassion, courage and kindness.

She's almost two, but the time is moving fast.
Embrace every moment, every hour, every day.
She's tiny now, but even this small.....

She's learning to walk in heels.

Confessions and Apologies

You all know that this is the summer of no men, right? Well, as I mentioned before, I did not give up the practice of flirting and by a weird and random circumstance, I met someone recently with whom I could practice this delicate and subtle art. It was fun, it was silly, it was romantic, it was sexy, but overall, I was just messing around. Just flirting. I thought he knew and understood this (I was very upfront about it), but as it turns out, he did not. Instead, he interpreted this to be the beginning of what might be a fun, silly, romantic, sexy relationship. Things progressed, as they do, and I started to feel very strongly that I needed to not be doing what I was doing, although I was only flirting with him. I knew he was getting attached, and I felt that it was not setting me up for a good situation and that I needed to be done with it. For good. Right NOW. Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars. Please note: he is an incredibly nice guy and did nothing wrong or creepy or weird. But still, I felt like I shouldn’t be messing around with his heart or his head (and my heart and my heart, for that matter) any longer.

So I went with the feeling. I cut things off and I knew I had done the right thing. The only regret I had was that in the process, I really, really hurt him. I said some things that were my own interpretations of the situation, based on past experiences, and they were unfair and made a lot of assumptions that were not necessarily right or true. It was unfair. It was immature. It was unkind. I could have (and should have) handled things very differently.

Because I’m me and I overthink E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G., I spent the next several days thinking it over and in doing so, I started to doubt my decisions and myself. Did I really feel like I needed to be done with him? Or was I just indulging my inner drama queen? Did I shut things down because I’m scared that letting someone get close makes me vulnerable? Am I going to do this with everyone? Am I just a bitter person who has made some mistakes and been terribly hurt and can’t get past that? Did I miss him, or just miss the idea of him (this question was posed by a very intuitive, very wise friend)? Was I just sabotaging myself by ‘inventing’ problems that didn’t actually exist?

As you can see, the gremlins of self doubt got to me pretty good, and I spent a day or two really in my own head over this. Finally, though, I did what I should have done in the first place. I prayed about it. I meditated over it. I talked to my good friends who know how i think and always have good advice. I wrote about it. I got my heart and my mind on the same page.

And I realized that I made the best decision I could have with the information I had. I still am not sure why I felt so strongly that I needed to break things off, but what I DO know is that it was the right thing to do and that I can trust myself to make the right decisions for me. This has been proven to me over and over and over again, so why did I doubt it? Why did I let myself get in my own way? I probably will never know why I felt this way, or why this decision was so important, but I know I made the right decision and I’m glad I followed my instincts.

There is one thing left to do before I set this whole situation aside. I need to apologize for how I handled it. Because he is not open to this right now, I’m going to put it out into the Universe so it’s waiting for him when he is.

I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me and I wish you every happiness.

And for those of you who reminded me of what I had forgotten, thank you.

BFF's

Me, Natalie, Cameron

Me and Cameron


Me and Natalie


Natalie and Cameron

I read once that one of the strongest definitions of who we are is our childhood friends. Well, if that is true, I am lucky enough to define myself with the help of these two amazing women, Natalie and Cameron. I honestly can't remember a time when these girls weren't in my life. We grew up together, only a few months apart in age and a few blocks apart in geographical distance. We took care of each other, helped each other through the drama of being a teenager, indulged each others whims, annoyed each other, loved each other, were part of each others families. If anyone knows the real me, the complete me, and understands where I am from and how I became who I am, it's these women. They KNOW me. and on top of that, they LOVE me and make sure I know it.

I was lucky enough to spend some time with Cam and Nat this past weekend, and it was phenomenal. Exactly what I needed to come back to center and find some focus on what is important and real. Both women are amazing mothers. Both are supportive and loving wives. Cameron is a cop's wife and is so proud and supportive of her husband. She is the goofy and fun-loving mother that I always expected her to be. Natalie is a labor and delivery nurse, and her "take care" tendencies display themselves as she cares for her children and home, as well as several neighborhood kids and both Cam and I. Her husband is a pilot with a crazy travel schedule but listening to her talk to him on the phone revealed a depth and presence in her relationship with him that was evident even only hearing one side of the conversation. Spending time with both of them reminded me how important a strong family and loving, supportive marriage are. They provided a great example of what I'm hoping to build someday.

When someone knows you, knows all about you and loves you anyway, time with them is a gift more precious than words can describe. After spending some time with Cam and Nat, I am back to center, reminded of what I am working towards and where I've been.

Thanks, girls. I needed that. And I love you both.

You know....

You know those times when things are really good, but super busy, and you have a million things going on and a thousand things on your mind and you want to sit down and write about them all, but you can't stop running and jumping and playing and singing and dancing and twirling and skipping and laughing in order to do so?

Well, I'm spinning around in one of those times right now.

And it's LOVELY!

Random Ramblings of a Monday Mind

Squam Lake - Sept. 2008

Clothes
*None of my clothes fit me. Everything is too big… jeans, shirts, dresses, even my workout clothes are too big. Overall, this is a good thing but in the short term, it’s expensive and inconvenient.

Friends
*I’m sensing a shift in many of my friendships lately. I’m gravitating to some, and yet I feel like there is a burgeoning divide developing in others. Is it me? Is it them? Does that even matter?

Riley’s broken wrist
*Is it wrong to think her first cast is simply adorable? It’s pink! And so tiny! Plus, my girl is fearless and headstrong, so there will be many more of these in the future. We might as well enjoy the novelty of the first one, right?

Work
*I’ve started to bribe myself with rewards for getting through a successful, productive week. This feels a little juvenile, but hey- it works. Plus, I can use the rewards to replace bits and pieces of my wardrobe that no longer fits.

Dating
*I am thinking about extending the ‘dating hiatus’ out a bit longer. It’s been so liberating to spend the summer concentrating on enjoying my amazing friends and family, working towards my personal goals, and putting solid effort into my writing. Dating is so much work and so maddening. Is it worth it to me right now? I'm leaning towards "no".

Swimming
*Why on earth did I not learn to swim until now? It’s a great workout and a fabulous way to recharge. For an hour, it’s only me and the solid black line on the pool tiles. Those things that matter bubble up to the top when I step out. The water dissolves the rest.

Riley’s (and my) Birthday
*Party? Dinner with friends? Mini get-a-way for the two of us? I don’t know how you are supposed to celebrate 2 and 33 at the same time.

Nieces and Nephews
*I wish I lived closer to all my nieces and nephews. I never imagined that these children, who are not even my own, could have such a stronghold on my heart.

Squam Art Workshops
*A serene lake. Amazing friends. Laughter. Tears. Overwhelming inspiration. The wildness of nature. New Hampshire in the fall. The thrill of creating. The joy of finding the words. It’s calling to me. Only 7 weeks. I cannot wait.

Christmas
*Is it too early to start planning for this? At what point does organized become obsessive?

Teaching Primary
*I can’t believe I get to hang out with 8 year olds during church. How awesome is that? I am really excited, mostly because I feel completely out of my element with the adults, but 8 year olds? 8 year olds I can handle.