Holding Riley for the first time - - Sept 1, 2007
I've been thinking for a while about how to take "Gratitude Friday" to the next level. I think it's very important for me to make a deliberate attempt to talk about and honor the things I am grateful for, but I wanted to make it less of a list that simply counts my blessings (which is great and very important) but more of a chance to talk about the good things in my life and why they are so great and how they came to be and what they mean to me. I wanted Fridays to be less about "this week X Y and Z good things happened" and instead be more dynamic and more appreciative of what's making me feel good now. I know it doesn't seem all that different, but it's reflective of a mind shift I'm working through right now. Trust me, it's important.
This week, my mind has been stuck on babies. Babies, babies, babies, babies, babies (and yes, I'm probably ovulating). I think about my sister's twins all the time. I have looked at, cried over, absorbed and been engrossed by pics of Riley from the day she was born. I have found reasons to walk by the nursery at work. I have been staring at the babies in the baby room at Riley's daycare. And yes, I am certain that the nurses and daycare workers will be looking for me if a baby shows up missing in the near future. I can hardly hold a tiny baby because my Uterus starts skipping beats. I am, firmly, definitely, and unavoidably BABY HUNGRY!
Here's the problem: There is no prospects of "Daddy" anywhere around here and as much as I love Riley and wouldn't trade any of our experiences for the world, I absolutely refuse to be a single mom with a new baby again. It's too hard and too painful and I won't do it.
So, today I am LOVING all the babies out there that aren't mine! The twinners....adorable little chubby men that have my heart wrapped up in their tiny little fists. Everytime I get a picture of them, I can't help but get a little teary-eyed thinking about how perfect they are and how much they mean to my family. My cousin Brynne is going to have a new little one on Monday, and I can't wait to meet him (her? I think it's a boy). I have friends who are expecting and that's exciting and fun to think about. And of course, i'm madly in love with my baby, even though she isn't so little or babyish anymore. Plus, I have the cutest neices on the planet who aren't babies either, but are so fun. So, even though a baby of my own isn't in the cards for me now, I'm so grateful for the other little ones in my life. Babies are all about new beginnings, starting fresh and the purest form of love. This Friday, I'm loving them.
3 comments:
oh, don't i get this. i went through a period in the fall when i had babies all over my brain - maybe because i'd had my 44th birthday and realized that that part of my life was done.
now i just enjoy everyone else's little dumpling and then i go home. does that make me grandmotherly? (=
I almost wish I got that feeling. Almost. I was never a baby person before I had Piper. Holding someone's baby did nothing for me. Having Piper didn't change that. In fact, it made me realize how different I am from most woman/moms. I wonder sometimes if there is something "wrong" with me, but that more me not feeling like other moms as opposed to how I feel about myself (if that makes sense).
I am quite certain that Piper will be an only child. In light of my recent adventures with birth control, vasectomy is now becoming more of a reality (much to Mike's chagrin). In a way, I think Piper being an only child will help make up for the childhood Mike and I both missed because we were both helping to raise out siblings (for very different reasons). Piper will be spoiled, but I'm not going to let her turn into the spoiled, only child brat.
Amy this picture and this post are beautiful. Both have me in tears... the good kind. I guess it's just that kind of a beautiful emotional Monday today. [sniff] :)
Hugs to you,
Steph
xo
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