Raw

It's been a busy morning around here. Riley burst out of sleep early, around 6 am, screaming "Moooom" and pounding on her wall. When I made it into her bedroom, she was straddling the side of her crib. By heaving her weight forward onto her tiptoes, she almost succeeded in hurling herself over the side of the crib and into a painful sort of freedom. I guess it's time for the toddler bed.

It's been more than six hours since my wake-up call, and the little Miss is currently back to screaming in her crib, fighting sleep although she desperately needs it. I will win this battle, though. I'm the Mama. I say she needs to rest, and so rest she will. And because she is Riley, with her own opinions about absolutely everything, she will fight me on it. It is what it is and it is how it's always gonna be between us. And I'm fine with that.

But watching her fight her way up and over the obstacle that was blocking her way to freedom has got me thinking that, in a slightly different way, that's exactly where I'm at right now. I've been staring at a few unresolved and undefined issues for a while, too. Like the sides of her crib, the things that are holding me back are slatted- I can see through them, I know they are there and I can see there is something better out there, but other than hurling myself over them, I can't really see any other way out. I'm working on throwing my weight forward so I can gain the momentum to get over. I'm ready to be past the things that are caging me in right now. But I am also smart enough to see that although I have to go up and over to get past the barriers, Damn! It's gonna hurt!

It's funny because all of the things I am dealing with right now are completely self made. They are my own issues, and while they may be compounded by the other life circumstances I find myself in, the problems (issues, struggles, whatever you want to call them) are courtesy of my own unique quirks.

So you add together the everyday challenges of single motherhood, dealing with a fiesty little girl who knows her own mind (and whose screech currently rivals the little monkey screeches at the zoo-so grating and over the top), a messy house (courtesy of said little girl and our exploration of fingerpainting), a to-do list that won't get done, work committments, personal committments, a few relationships that need some serious thought and action thrown their way, and the recognition that I'm in a small state of flux that needs some time and thought thrown it's way too, and I guess it's no surprise that I'm feeling a bit, well, raw today. Things that normally would slide right by me seem rather abrasive and I feel like I need to soak in something that is cool and soothing and gentle. Yes, raw is the perfect word.

And because I have now defined it, because I can recognize what I need and also because the other-worldly screaming has subsided now that Yaya has given in to the desperately needed sleep, it's time for me to take advantage of the quiet and give in to sleep myself.