Not my 12of12 post. Not even a little bit.

I keep sitting down to edit and compile my pics for my 12of12 post, and I keep finding a million other things to do instead of that.  I'm not sure why- I love the 12of12, but perhaps it's going to be in quarterly installments instead of monthly for 2013.   Whatevs....it'll get done, right?

This photo was taken by Riley and she loves it and wanted me to put it on my blog (which she calls a ba-log.)  She's very into grabbing my phone and snapping random pics and I LOVE seeing how she sees the world.

But tonight, i felt like showing up here, so I'm just gonna word vomit some of the stuff that has been going on in my mind lately...a  combo "what's happening around here/what's I'm thinking now" post, if you will.   Because I love lists.  And updates.  And also strawberry frosted Poptarts, but that's entirely irrelevant.

1.  So, I'm taking the Girl back east this spring to meet someone who I believe will be her lifelong Karmic Role Model (seriously, these two are kindred spirits) - the other Amy - and to see one of my besties since birth, Cam.  I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am about this trip.  Travel?  Amazing women?  People who get me right down to my bones? Children I adore? A new corner of the world to explore?  Yes, Please!

2.  Do you guys have Spotify?  Do you love it?  I love it.  You should get it.  You'd love it, too. At least, you should try out the free month trial and see what it does for your life.  It made mine much more musically diverse, which is only a good thing.

3.  It's January in Salt Lake City, which means inversions and Sundance.  When possible, I avoid really large crowds and men's cologne overdoses, so Sundance is out.  And the inversion means red air quality, which means I can't play outside, so XC skiing/snowshoeing/winter hiking is out. Plus it's really cold (like 2 degrees this morning.  yeeesh.)  So what I'm saying here is that this is the time of year to catch up on Netflix, and "How I Met Your Mother" is my current time-waster.  It's hilarious.  I'm plowing through the seasons.

4.  I've been inspired by C. Jane to write my life stories similar to the way she wrote hers - and although I'm not posting them on my blog, it's been such a good way for me to step back and gain perspective about my life and the stories that make it up.  In some cases, it's validating and empowering - allowing me to really own the stories that are mine and to let go of those that aren't.  In other cases, it's been so healing - allowing me to offer forgiveness to myself and others and to acknowledge that, despite mistakes and trials that were largely of my own making,  I was always just doing the best I could and working with what I had.  I doubt that these life stories are anything I'll ever share publicly - I plan to let Riley read them someday, and maybe a future spouse (should I ever get another one of those) - but even if I'm the only person who ever reads these, that's enough. Writing them was enough.

5. Womanhood. Feminism. Body image.  Spirituality vs. religiosity. Grace.  Sexuality.  Self Acceptance vs. Perfectionism.  Compassion.  Ego. Activism.   All topics that have been on my mind lately.  Separately and together.   Singularly and plural.  A big mess of complex topics all taking up space in my brain.

6.  I think I am going to go back to school.  I have no idea what this will look like yet.   More coursework towards my sorta close PhD?  Graduate work in an entirely different area?   Just some courses to update my education and round out my CV?  Classes in a 'luxury' area, one that won't change my career, per se, but are more for personal interest?   I really have no idea, but the idea is firmly taken hold in my mind.   I think I am going to go back to school.

7.  I'm trying to drink more water.  And I've found that I really prefer to drink diet Mt. Dew.  This is no surprise to me (and to anyone who knows me), but I thought I'd write it here anyway.

Hearts of the Sea: A Squam by the Sea Fairytale

Once upon a time, there was a sorceress who lived in a magical kingdom guarded by mountains and canyons and a large body of water. This sorceress had many powers, and was able to create almost anything she desired, but with great power comes many responsibilities. The sorceress was often tired from her many commitments, but she had many friends, a wonderful family, and a beautiful daughter. Her friends and family offered her their love without restraint, and she was very happy with the life she had created for herself.

The sorceress collected hearts of all shapes and sizes. She found them in parks and at the beach, and often, she ran across them right outside her home. She loved these hearts, turned to them for comfort, and seeing them brought her happiness and peace.
Not long ago, the Sorceress had given the most precious of her hearts away to one she loved deeply and collected his in return. The one who held her heart didn't fully understand the gift she had given him, and carelessly, he tossed it aside, in pursuit of something he valued more than the heart the sorceress offered. His carelessness caused some damage to her heart, and understanding that he couldn't hold her heart in the manner she wanted it to be cared for, she took it back, doing her best to collect the scattered pieces and put them back together again. It wasn't a perfect fit (for broken hearts are a puzzle that all magic and medicine cannot cure) but she was content, convinced that she had done the best she could. You see, she knew that she had many friends who would to help soothe the rough edges of her broken heart, and she knew her sorcery skills would enable her to heal her own heart with enough time. Still, she hadn't yet returned the heart she had collected from him. She'd tried to give it back on several occasions, but it wasn't to be. She still carried that heart with her; heavy in her pocket and weighing on her soul.

After a season of tending to her responsibilities, the sorceress went on a journey with two of her closest friends, where they met with many more kindred spirits. The meeting spot was a magical place- a sea of light and love and learning. The sorceress brought her broken heart on this journey with her, convinced that the friends who would be gathered there would help to heal any leftover wounds and the sea and the sand would serve to smooth the rough edges. She also carried his heart with her. The extra weight was a burden, but she was not able to leave it behind.

The sea of light and love and learning worked it's magic, and her friends conjured spells and danced and sang. They made her laugh and reminded her of how much she was loved. They told her stories of their lives and loves, and listened to hers. She felt her own broken heart begin to more fully heal in response to their kindness, and she knew that she must let go of his heart, the one she carried with her. She understood that she needed the room this heart possessed for the new hearts she wanted to collect on her way.
One morning, as the sun was rising over the rough sea, sending the sun tumbling and whirling across the waves, she sat on the beach, absorbed in the glorious morning and in her own thoughts. Thoughtfully, she took his heart out of her pocket and examined it. She turned it over in her palm, looking at the scarring, running her fingers over the ridges. She tested it's weight in her palm and considered the color. She found herself thinking that while it was a beautiful heart, it wasn't really what she was needed or wanted. The heart that could absorb all the love and magic she was willing to offer, that she wanted to offer, needed to be bigger and bolder; more steady, more sure.

So she gathered her courage and summoned the words of her sisters who had been telling the sorceress of the light and love and magic that was waiting for her when she opened up enough space in her soul to receive it. She called upon the wisdom of her own heart, the broken one that was almost healed, and she heeded it's whispered words.

It was time to let go.

She took his heart, the one she had been examining and testing, the one she had been carrying with her for many seasons, out of her pocket and held it gently in her palms. She whispered to it the deepest secrets of her heart and soul, telling it the many things she couldn't tell him. She cast a spell of safety and protection and clarity on his heart, and blessed it with all the light and love and happiness it could one day hold. She kissed it and then she flung it far into the sea, tears washing over her cheeks as she watched the waves wash his heart away.

The force of the tides increased at that moment, as if the sea needed to pull his heart back into it's deepest recessions, to keep it hidden and protected until he was ready to reclaim it. She struggled against the waves, their power almost pulling her to her knees, but she remained steady and waited...waited...waited until it was time to walk away.

She felt the power shift and the waves calmed, and the sorceress knew it was time to leave this place. Still, she paused, and sent up another prayer for calmness and clarity and understanding. Then she walked along the surf, enjoying the way the water played over her feet and feeling lighter and more free than she had in quite some time.

Suddenly, a huge wave surprised her, washing up over her knees, shocking her with it's intensity and might. It caught her off guard, but it did not threaten to pull her down. Instead, it was invigorating and cleansing, offering absolution to her tender soul. As the wave receded, the sorceress took a deep breath and seeking to orient herself, looked down at her feet. To her delight, the large wave had washed up many tiny treasures, and among them, a new heart was waiting for her.

As she bent over to pick it up out of the surf, the sea of light and love and learning whispered it's secret to the sorceress, and she knew the truth of it's words. The time she had taken to heal her own broken heart, the time she had taken to seek out the love of her family and friends, the strength she had gained from the weight of his heart that she had carried, and the journey she had made to the magical place was all a necessary part of the process. All of this had brought her to a place where she could safely release the old heart and make the space to find the new one.

The sorceress knew that the new heart she found that day was an omen of good things to come. It was large and steady and imperfect; ready to absorb all the magic and love and light the sorceress has to offer.

It's coming to her. The sorceress knew that this heart is coming to her.

You see, the sea told her so.