Blossoming

And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took
to Blossom

~Anais Nin


I love this poem. I think about it often when I am dealing with something particularly hard or painful. But as much as I love it, I don't think I fully understood what Nin meant, however, until very recently.

As most who read this blog know, I am a writer. I have been putting pen to paper my whole life, but in the last few years, it has become something of an obsession. Taking the thoughts, emotions, stories, and ideas that are swirling around in my head, and committing them to paper is sometimes painful, sometimes joyous, sometimes easy, and sometimes the hardest fight I can imagine, but always it is healing. Always I find that when I let the words come, I let the world go. I have found truth and courage and love in the lines I have written. I have found forgiveness and compassion by recording the story. I have found my way into understanding by simply letting the words flow. I cannot imagine a life that does not involve telling my story.

Since the birth of my daughter, and the concurrent demise of my marriage, I have been writing the story. Recording the details, documenting my feelings, pulling it together. For others, because my story might help another, but mostly for her, so someday she can read the story as it happened. So she knows me on a different level. So she can see that she was in every thought I had, her happiness was the center of every decision I made, her health and well-being was always in the front of my mind. I want her to know what these years have been like and understand why our life is what it is. I want her to understand that I was scared at times, that I was elated often, that I felt strong and weak, sometimes at the same time. That I made so many mistakes and did so many things perfectly. That there was a lot of laughter and love, but that tears were part of the days, too. That I don't regret the outcome and that I learned many lessons on the way. That she was wholely, fully and completely loved.

I want her to know our story.

Now the time has come for me to start putting pieces and parts of this story out into the world. I'm getting ready to send some of the writing that has come from this time in our lives out for publication, and I am shocked to realize how hard this step actually is. This realization really hit home for me the other day as I was trying to finish up the last task I have to do to get this stuff on it's way. I am sending some essays and a couple of poems as part of a compilation of women writers, and I have to include an authors portrait with it. I asked my friend Jenica to take these for me. She is a fabulous photographer, a gifted artist, and most of all, she understands that creative parts of our soul need to be nurtured and guided. She has guided and nurtured me often in the relatively short time i've known her. I trust her. I trust her judgement and I trust her vision. I feel incredibly authentic around her, and I know that the creative, authentic me will show up in her portraits.

I knew I'd be nervous, because I'm not a natural in front of a camera. I don't really like having my picture taken. I think I look weird and unnatural in photos. Jenica sensed this and was easy and gentle (as she always is) but I was not loosening up. We tried it for a while, and instead of the process getting easier, I broke down in tears.

We backed off the picture-taking and instead chatted the afternoon away. As she always does, Jenica provided insightful comments and a new way to think about things. I left her home feeling noticably calmer, but with a lot to think about. Why was I reacting this way? What about having my picture taken scared me enough to bring me to tears? Why did a photo session feel threatening, when it was being orchestrated by one of the kindest, most compassionate, most REAL women I've ever known?

Here's the realization I came to, after a lot of thought, meditation, and (yes) journal writing.

The pieces are ready to go. They are done and are only waiting on the Author portrait to send out. Taking the pics is the final touch to getting them out there. It's the last thing to do, the last box to check, and then a part of me, a part of my story, a little piece of my world is going to be on display, with my face attached to the words. This is not a small thing. It's scary. I'm inviting anyone who reads my work to know a little more about me than is necessarily comfortable. I'm opening up a part of my life that is equal parts joy and pain for public view. It's a lot to deal with. So it's ok that it's scary. I still am going to do it. I still need to do it. I still WILL do it.

Because the risk of staying tight in the bud, of not putting myself out there, of not sharing my words and my heart and my story with the world, of not offering the fruits of this talent I have been given...that scares me more than the risk I'm taking to give myself the chance to blossom.

A few days later, I still feel a little raw, a little vulnerable. I know I'm getting ready to take a step that is necessary to my personal and creative growth, but it's still going to be hard. I still need to have the portraits done...that box remains unchecked. But understanding why it scared me allows me to find ways to deal with it.

I feel cracked open, but sometimes cracking open is the only way to let in the light. And the light is neccesary for blossoming.

Sitting with uncertainty

I'm usually a very decisive person. I figure out what I want, I plan how I'm going to get it, and there you go. Game on. And I have to say, 99% of the time...when I decide what I want, I get it. It just takes me defining what it is, specifically, that I want.

This has not necessarily been the case for me lately. I'm in a state of flux in several areas of my life, and have been for a while. I'm ok to live with uncertainty for a period of time. I understand that it's necessary and it's an important step in defining what I really want, but I'm getting kind of tired of it. I flounder back and forth on the ideas of moving, of changing careers, of going back to school, of serious relationships, of buying a different place, of religious beliefs. None of these are small questions in the grand scheme of things, but I am getting so frustrated with having them bounce around in my head endlessly. I need to decide what I want.

So I'm putting it out to my blog readers, to my friends, to my family, to the Universe. What do you do when you don't know what you want? How do you figure it out? How do you sit with the uncertainty when you don't have the answers? How do you find the patience to wait for them to come?

better late than never...

It's been a while since I posted a "gratitude Friday" post, and although it's Sunday, i didn't want to miss this week. I have a lot going on, and a lot to be thankful for. It's time to put it out there.

*I'm SO grateful for my health. I feel healthier and happier and stronger now than I ever have in my life. I am able to live in a way that allows me to prioritize taking good care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. My health allows me to live my life fully and take good care of my daughter and be a good friend, sister and daughter. I am biking a lot and running and even learning to be a better swimmer. I've set some pretty major goals for myself physically, and i'm seeing them come to fruition. It's a great part of my life and I am glad I can be that kind of a role model for my kiddo.

*I truly have the best girlfriends in the world. My "tribe" has grown exponentially over the past year and a half and I couldn't be more grateful for the wonderful women who are part of my life. Old, dear friends who have known me forever (even during the period of giant hair), new friends who have added so much joy to my existence, just by being them, my sister, my sisters-in-law, my aunts, my mom....so many wonderful women surround me, support me, and inspire me. I am truly blessed.

*And, to be fair, I have a BUNCH of amazing men in my life, too. My brothers and brother in law are simply the most amazing men out there. They are great husbands and fathers who work hard to provide for their family. They are honest, good hearted men who have helped me and my daughter so much and have stood by us in really rough times. Of course, they learned from the best- My dad, my step-dad, my grandfathers. I also have a cadre of fabulous male friends (i'm not talking "boyfriends" here) who are so much fun, who help me grow, who know how to listen and communicate, who remind me that there are good men out there. N0 wonder i am single right now...the guys i'm dating have HIGH standards to live up to!

*I am so grateful for my job. I have been struggling a bit lately at work, but the challenges make me realize how much I love my job and how much I am willing to give to be happy with what I do. I work with amazing people who are passionate about their work. I have so many opportunities for personal and professional growth. So many people toil day in and day out at a job they detest. I am very, very lucky to have a job I enjoy.

As always, the list could go on and on. I have much to be grateful for, much to enjoy and much to hold close. I am truly blessed.

Happy Easter!

Riley celebrated in the most traditional of methods...


by sticking five mini M&Ms up her nose.

Through the rear-view

~to be kinder
~to grow wiser
~to be stronger
~to push harder
~to do better
~to dig deeper
~to be braver
~to work harder
~to love bigger
~to be honest
~to be more joyful
~to live more fully

There is no greater motivation for me to live the life I want to live, to be the person I want to be, than the face reflected in my rear-view mirror.

Oh how I love my girl.

Go Big or Go Home!

I recently returned from the last in a series of leadership retreats I was selected to attend for work. Although the lectures and workshops were specifically geared to increasing leadership potential for those in Public Health, I have found that the various topics addressed (negotiation, communication, management, problem solving, etc.) have been very helpful in many aspects in my life. These retreats were thought provoking and very reflective, and were held in beautiful surroundings (Daniels Summit, Lake Tahoe and Zion's Nat'l Park) with amazing, diverse, dedicated people. I am truly grateful I was selected to go. I know the experience has helped me grow into a better leader, supervisor, parent and friend.

The last day of presentation was dedicated to the idea of cultivating creativity. This is especially relevent to me, as I am trying to do that on a daily basis in my life personally. The whole day was about thinking outside the box, asking the big questions, living your passion, releasing judgement, not being afraid of making mistakes, embracing change, changing perspectives until you find the right vision, being prepared when the big opportunities appear. I found it a very inspiring way to end the retreat, and then I had a 5 hour drive home to really play with the ideas in my mind. What am I doing that is habit and not passion? Am I spending my time where I want to, or am I trapped in patterns of thought and action that are not necessarily serving me? Am I taking risks, even though i might not succeed (this is a big challenge for me)? What questions am I not asking because I might be afraid of the answers? Am I surrounding myself with people who push me to work harder, do more, be more? Am I settling?

A lot going through my mind, as you can see....

I'm still mulling it over. I have made a conscious effort since Riley came into my life to do the things that scare me, to tell the truth no matter what, to expose her to different ideas and thoughts, and not to judge others who might choose a different path than I might. There are times I feel like a completely different person than I was two years ago, and I LIKE THAT! I like that i've pushed myself, that I've tried new things, that I've made new friends, that I've gone outside of my comfort zone a lot. I want Riley to have that kind of role model in her mom. I want her to know it's ok to make mistakes, it's fine to let people choose their own way, and that when we fall down, we get right back up and try again.

So, how do we do this? How do we make sure we are living life to the fullest? How do we keep on putting ourselves out there, again and again, at the risk of falling flat on our face? And how do we teach our little ones to do this too, when we so badly want to protect them from getting hurt?

The words that kept repeating in my head yesterday as I pondered this was "Go Big or Go Home!" These words apply to so many things I'm working on....writing, art, parenting, biking, running, swimming. They are so relevant to how I am trying to live my life now.

So I guess that's my new mantra for a while...I'm going to Go Big! Because i sure as hell ain't ready to go home.

Clarification of last post

I have gotten at least 7 emails from people wondering if I'm dating anyone, engaged, married, getting married, moving, or possibly pregnant.

Let me clarify:

dating anyone - yes, several different people casually. No one serious.
engaged - no.
married - hell to the no!
getting married - see above answer.
moving - considering it, but not anytime in the near future.
pregnant - um, very much NO!

This was a general good feeling of excitement about new possibilities I am pursuing and goals I am working towards. Not everything is about men and kids, people.

But Love You All for your concern. :)