Those things we hold close

I have parts of myself that I hold close. Secrets I keep because it seems too scary not to, pieces I protect by clutching them tightly against my chest. Guarded against the wind and the rain and the careless chatter that can do much more damage than the elements. I keep them sheltered from everyone, even those closest to me. Maybe especially those closest to me.

It's hard for me to let go, to give up the small secrets I have, even to those who have found their way deep into my heart. It's hard for me to offer this view to another, because even the smallest truths sometimes feels too big to hand over to anyone else. Logically, I know this is not true; my life isn't that dramatic or ragged. These are small acts of trust, just simple acts of faith in another. Yet it's difficult, often painful, to say what I need to say. It's difficult, often painful, to wait and watch, wondering if what I'm offering is going to be accepted, if someone else can hold them as close as I do, can protect them as well as I can.

I'm finding myself doing this more these days, trying to make this kind of openness a skill that is second nature. It's getting easier, I'm slowly getting more comfortable, but I can still see a lot of room for improvement.

What do you do to help yourself open up, to share parts of yourself that are still tender, still raw?

12of12 Challenge - January 2010

I decided to play along with some friends, documenting the 12th day of each of the 12 months with 12 photos. I think it will be a great way to document my life this year, as well as show my family and friends what my typical days look like.

I'm wishing for a new camera to use for this project in February. :)

I like how this feels

Photo by the amazing talented, gorgeous and wonderful Jenica

I like how this New Year feels. It's early yet, the year is starting off in sleep. The longer nights, the shorter days whisper that it's time to rest, to regroup, to prepare for bold things ahead. I feel like I am standing on the cusp of something grand, waving my dreams around like a banner, casting my doubts aside to drop where they may. I like how my friends are throwing themselves into their lives with renewed passion; picking words, setting intentions. I like how this new year feels.

I'm like how I'm looking forward to each new season.

I like how it feels to finally begin to enjoy winter. Although we may never be close friends, I am making my peace with winter. I'm finding myself willing to spend some time in the icy air, spend some days on the snow, carving down the mountains or listening to my daughter squeal with delight as we race down a hillside on her sled. I love watching her dance under the snowflakes and trample through the unmarked snow, setting out on an undiscovered adventure that is limited only by her imagination. I love sharing this with her. Memorizing how she looks at me with wide eyes; amazed by the beauty we are surrounded by, thrilled by her own bravery. Yes, i'm beginning to enjoy winter.

I like how it feels to wait for spring. I'm eagerly anticipating the first blossoming, when the world is tender and green, when the light is bright and new. The spring sunrises bring with them the promise of new life and new beginnings. An untested world is uncovered as the snow melts in uneven patches, revealing the resilient blooms that nestled deep in the ground all winter, planted there by a gardener who waits and watches to see the results of her labor. I, too, watch for these to bloom, the colors seem to declare that it's time to open, time to move ahead. This prompts me to do the same. To open. To bloom. To move ahead. Yes, I am waiting for spring.

I like how it feels to think about summer. Ah...summer. The heat beckons, bringing to mind the sultry smell of sweat and sunscreen and the shouts of children running through sprinklers. Summer means morning bike rides and long beach days, afternoons spent lounging on front porches, evenings spent watching the stars, embraced by the blanket of cool grass. Summer is outdoor concerts and trampolines and water fights and hammocks. The music of giggles erupting from nonsensical songs, the sharing of stories, the sweet summer treats. Summer is time to play and play hard, before the serious business of school takes hold once again. Yes, I am thinking of summer.

I like how it feels to dream about fall. Autumn means sundrenched afternoons and cooler nights, flip flops and sweaters, the last big ride. It's football and tailgating, reveling in the shared enthusiasm over a game well-played. Fall is when creative magic happens, whether on an earthy New England lakeshore or a Sandy North Carolina beach, when kindred souls gather to teach and to give, to create and to learn. Fall is the time to work, to embrace the tasks and talents we've been given, to make the most of ourselves and give the most of ourselves. Yes, I am surely dreaming of fall.

I like how it feels to look ahead. To not be caught up in the minutiae of daily life, but to look forward to the brightness of something bigger, of something bolder, of something truer.

I like how it feels to love my life. To realize I have created this myself, for myself and for my daughter. A life that is full, that is rich, that gives us room to play and laugh and work and learn and live and create and love. To know that there is plenty of room in this life to grow.

I like how it feels to be me. To be happy. To be healthy. To be free. To be joyful. To be grateful. To be loved and to love with a deep, wide heart.

I like how this feels.

Grateful

Today, I'm grateful for:

*My RAW girls...who, along with their paints and canvases, bring so much life and joy and reality and silliness to my world. Thanks girls. Sure do love you!
*A nice guy at Verizon who upgraded my plan a little early, so I could replace my blackberry that Riley used as a "phone-boat" without it costing an arm and both legs.
*Z-paks- 10 days of antibiotics in only three doses. Nice.
*Karma.
*My new blog collaboration with my sister. I'm really looking forward to working with her on this fun project.
*Wednesday Lunch with some of my Besties. I look forward to this at the first of the week and revel in it through the end.
*My daughter, who is currently singing "Happy Birthday" to Baby Nuggets and trying to shut Harley in her closet. She keeps things interesting, if nothing else.
*Some upcoming trips to look forward to. I LOVE planning vacations.
*The first week of "organized 2010" went exceptionally well. Nothing like auspicious beginings.
*January 26th.

Fun for the new year

My sister and I are collaborating on a new blog for 2010.

Come visit us at:

www.nomatterthemiles.blogspot.com

Sunday Musings

Finding Love in Moab - Oct. 2009

On my mind today...

*After a long weekend of organizing, cleaning, purging, planning, and preparing, I'm ready for the week (year, decade, etc.) ahead. I haven't felt this way for a long time and my type A self is rejoicing. Glory Be!
*I was given a new class to teach in church today - 5 year olds! Does it get any better than that?
*Do you ever stop worrying about the one you used to love? And would I want to be a person who could?
*After a 2 .5 hour nap today, I am realizing that I need to direct a little more attention to resting. It's been missing the past few years.
* My summer tri and biking schedule is already filling up, and it's only January. I love having events looming to motivate me to push a little harder. I'm eagerly anticipating the upcoming year.
*Will I ever stop falling more and more in love with my daughter? As we were driving home from her Dad's today, she said "Mama, I missed you." I cried. I missed her too.
*I'm searching for the perfect pair of brown, embroidered cowboy boots. I have seen them in a dream and I must have them! The search is on.
*Isn't it funny how sometimes the exact people you need to meet show up in the weirdest places or through odd circumstances. Serendipity - I love it!

What's on your mind today?

:: On Building ::

I've never actually built a home, but coming from a family of men who do just that kind of thing, I know a little bit about the process. The ultimate goal is a home that is safe, secure, beautiful and functional. Sure, things like the color of the walls and the exact placement of the stairs need to be considered, but first, you have to find just the right place, and develop a plan to make it stable. You first make the whole thing stable and secure so the gorgeous walls don't fall in on themselves, or so the bathtub doesn't come crashing through the ceiling and into the room below. A beautiful, functional home needs a good foundation, careful planning and requires many hours of work.

So does a beautiful, functional life.

In the quest to construct just that, I've spent the past few years knocking down doors that were in my way, digging up tree roots that threatened the stability of my soul. I've taken sledgehammers to the stubborn walls of self doubt and set fire to previously held beliefs that whispered "you're not enough". I've kicked open locked closets full of secrets and guilt, aired them out, and carefully examined the contents, determining what needed to be kept and what should be tossed over my shoulder without a backward glance. In a few extreme cases, I've set some heavy explosives and destroyed what I couldn't muscle through. And then, when things were reduced to ashes and rubble, I got rid of the garbage and spent some time smoothing the surface, finding balance, making sure everything was as level and peaceful and calm as possible.

And now, I'm ready to start construction.

Like many of you, I choose a single word to focus on over the course of the year. This word is my touchstone, a way to easily define what I'm working towards and to evaluate whether my efforts and energy are being well spent, whether they are moving me towards what i am ultimately trying to accomplish and where I ultimately want to be.

My word for 2010 is 'Build'.

I've done the work to lay down a solid foundation for a life filled with vitality and beauty and goodness. I've spent a lot of time dreaming about what I want my life to look like and I'm ready to start determining what materials will be used, figuring out the layout of the rooms, and constructing the walls. All of my personal goals of the past few years, whether they were physical, emotional, mental or spiritual have brought me to this really wonderful place where I get to mull over possibilities, flip through choices and construct a life that is perfect for me. I'm building a home for my heart, a safe place to land.

There is still a lot of work to be done, but that's exactly why I chose 'build' as my word of the year. It's an action word, a word that brings to mind physical labor, sweat, and blisters. To build is a process, something to be worked through but not rushed through. Each stage should be savored and enjoyed for exactly what it is.

My goals for 2010 focus on moving me to the next level, building on what I've already accomplished. I'm working on constructing a life that is spacious enough to invite in all the possibilities that exist for me and my daughter, that is stable and steady enough to withstand the furious winds and shaky ground that are a natural part of this existence, but that is luscious and lovely and comfortable, full of the laughter of friends and family and the peacefulness that comes from feeling completely at home with yourself.

A project like this takes a while; actually it won't ever be completely done. But there is already enough built to invite my friends and family in. So come on over, pull up a chair, grab a hammer if you feel so inclined or just join in the conversation. I'll be working on building my life, but I'm happy to have some company along the way and might ask your opinion on a few things now and then. There's plenty of good times to be had and enough love to go around. I'm getting my Ipod ready right now- put on your favorite song -Let's Dance!