Question: Why are these people singing?

Answer: They just found out that my divorce was final as of yesterday at 3:12 pm!

HALLELUJAH!!

HALLELUJAH!!!

Much cheering, screaming, clapping and celebrating is going on here!

Join me, won't you?

It's Friday again

Yikes...I can't believe it's been a week since I posted. I will have to make an effort to post more often, so every single post isn't a "Gratitude Friday". But since it is Friday, and I am going to do this every Friday, here is my list of things I am grateful for today.

1. Nail polish remover. Those who I've talked to recently will understand why.
2. Amazon.com and their super-speedy service.
3. Working from home. Yes, I do actually get a lot done and I LOVE being in my own space sometimes. Plus, it's kind of nice to get up and go to work for 3 or 4 hours before you even consider taking a shower.
4. Indian Food. YUM!
5. Southwest's "wanna get away" promotion is bringing one of my favorite people to visit very soon.
6. Southwest's "wanna get away" promotion is taking me and Ri to visit some of my favorite people very soon.
7. I finally felt back on my game at work this week. I haven't had this feeling since returning from Maternity leave, and it's a great thing.
8. My new turquoise blue colander. Makes me happy every time I make pasta.
9. Diet Code Red Mountain Dew. Plenty O Cherry taste, lots O Caffeine and no calories. Who could ask for more?
10. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, my divorce should be final next week. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! This is truly worth celebrating (and I will, my friends. Oh, yes, I will!)

Well, that will have to do for today. I know these aren't deep meaningful things, but you have to appreciate the little things in life, right?

Gratitude Friday

A lot of the blogs I read on a regular basis participate in "Gratitude Friday", meaning the writer takes time on Fridays to blog about the things that are good in their life or the things they are grateful for. Seeing as one of my New Year Intentions is to take time to honor the good things in my life, this seems like a perfect vehicle for doing so. I'm a list person, so I expect my posts to be taking the form of lists most often.

So, I present to you my first edition of "Gratitude Friday".

1. Anytime I think of the things I am grateful for, my little one tops the list. She is the joy of my life.
2. I am happy that my regular babysitter started this week and I no longer have to shuffle between two or three child care providers. The stability is good for my sanity and certainly is better for Riley.
3. I am always grateful for a wonderful family and great friends who are always there for me, but this week I am especially thankful for a wonderful aunt and an amazing friend who provided much needed comments and a late night "therapy" phone call. Thanks, ladies. You are awesome!
4. I am very, very lucky to have a job that I love, that is flexible so I can take good care of Riley, allows me to use my education, my skills and my talents, all while allowing me to financially support myself and my daughter. I work with amazing people and I am happy that the time that I spend away from Riley is spent on projects that contribute to the greater good and should one day impact her health and healthcare.
5. I am happy that my house is clean. This may be for today only, but it still feels pretty good.
6. I am grateful to have a 4 wheel drive car. This can be a life-saver in Utah and I am glad I can get where I need to go safely.
7. I am looking forward to a weekend with my sister and brother-in-law in the beautiful bay area. It's still a few weeks away, but I'm happy to have something to look forward to.
8. I am grateful that my plans for a pretty major remodel look positive. Washer and Dryer, you will be mine soon all thanks to my very talented Dad and Brothers.
9. I am grateful for my new purple I-pod shuffle. Trivial, I know, but it makes time at the gym a little happier.
10. Finally, I am grateful that my new dishes have arrived. I recently bought multicolored fiestaware, and it makes me so happy! Again, i know this is trivial, but you have to enjoy the little things, right?

Well, that will do it for today. In spite of the last few posts, which were mostly venting, I really am doing well and am happy to have this whole process moving along. Thanks for all your support, comments, thoughts, prayers and phone calls.

Peace.

2007 Retrospective

So, for the past few weeks, I have been participating in a writer's forum. Basically, there are weekly writing assignments which are then critiqued by the group and also by a couple of published authors (sorry, I can't say who they are). The assignment for this week was to write about the year 2007 in retrospect, using something in nature as inspiration. I received great feedback on the following essay, and I am now thinking of expanding it a bit and sending it to an editor I am acquainted with. I thought I'd share here.


2007 Retrospective

The valley is covered in snow, draping the world in a white blanket. The city stands in stark relief against the backdrop of the mountains. The air is brutal and crisp, battering the lungs with each deep breath. Crystals of ice cling to the tree branches and catch the light, sending rainbows dancing across the snow on the ground. Absorbing this early morning picture I try, and am unable, to recall the scents of summer. I know it should smell like cut grass and ripening peaches, the river that runs through my favorite grove, the salty-sweet scent of children’s sweat. In the same way I cannot recall the events of the last year. Certainly I know what the memories should be made of but there is so much heartache, so much uncertainty… like broken china gathered into a paper sack. Who knew I’d have to reach out and grasp the broken shards to grow into myself? The cuts, and the resulting scars, are part of me now, like the small chickenpox mark on my forehead, or the tattoo that has been etched on the curve of my lower back.

Nothing from the last year turned out as I expected. My resolutions from last year included such things as travel to Costa Rica with my then-husband and our friends and publish at least 4 academic papers. Go to the gym five times a week. Learn to snowboard.

Enter difficult pregnancy. Enter new baby. Enter divorce. Enter single parenthood.

Enter a whole new life that is so different than the life I lived before.

Even my environment is different, reflecting the huge upheavals that have occurred over the past year. A little girl’s crib resides in what was once an office for a small but successful business; tiny soft animals and jolly little people smile their silly grins from a bookshelf that once housed scientific journals and MLA format writing guides. Her playful laugh bubbles and fills the corners of our home, chasing away the echoes of hurtful words and the desolation of the bitter silence that once prevailed. The antique cabinet that once stored his liquor now contains the tools of my livelihood: stacks of journal articles, a statistics text, an external hard drive. The empty space in my bed does not spark feelings of loss or longing, but instead inspires dreams of a new love affair, a healthy relationship; one that fills and nurtures body, mind and spirit. One that is full of life and light. But for now, there is space, and in that space, I am finding room to breathe again.

The winter stretches long before me, and I trying to not only endure but also to enjoy this season. There is peace and stillness in the cold and in the solitude, and I try to be present with it. I try to find my center in it. I tell myself that I can cultivate warmth inside of me. I remind myself to find the beauty of each season: the icy frost of winter, the tender green of spring, the lazy heat of summer and the earthy tones of autumn.

This New Year stretches long before me, as well, with the promise of both harsh winter storms and peaceful spring mornings. I look forward to walking across the leaves in the fall and lying on the cool grass during the hot summer nights. But for now, for tonight, I am content, ringing in the New Year not with champagne or fireworks, but instead by listening to the quiet, even breathing of my beautiful baby girl. She is the miracle that has emerged from that bag of broken china, from the pieces of a life that once was. She is worth enduring every winter storm and every summer shower. She is the moon, the stars and the sun, and holds the promise of a thousand spring sunrises.

Wisdom from Mary Poppins

Riley is really into watching Mary Poppins right now(she likes the music and movement) , so I find the songs running through my head over and over again. My favorite song is "Sister Suffragette" mainly because of the following verse:



"Though we adore men individually,
we agree that, as a group, they're rather STUPID."

I couldn't have said it better, sister. I always thought Mrs. Banks had a good head on her shoulders.

Trusting myself

"I don't know how my life will go, but I trust it completely."
Karen Maezen Miller


I did something today that i never thought I would do.

I signed final divorce papers.

Yes, it was the right thing to do, both for me and for Riley. Yes, I am happy that this process is nearly over. But yes, I would do it all again...

Marry my first love. Stay with him for almost nine years. Fight the huge battles. Take pleasure in the small victories. Work together towards a common goal. Take separate paths and grow apart. Grow a child. Give birth. Look into her tiny little face and wonder if I am going to be enough for her. Be scared to death that I won't. Feel the awesome pain of having my heart ripped out and stomped on. Learn to forgive. Learn to accept. Learn to let go.

So much has happened over the course of my marriage. So many good times, so much pain. So many lessons learned. So much still to learn.

As a general rule, I think too many people choose divorce when they should be trying to work things out. I know there are times when it is warranted, but I truly think a couple should explore every option before they end a marriage. I feel like I did explore every avenue possible to make my marriage work. I put everything I had into it, but I came around to the conclusion that it just wasn't a good thing for me or for my baby. I find a lot of peace and comfort knowing that I did everything I could to make it work. This sustains me through the long, lonely nights when I stare at my bedroom ceiling, waiting for my baby to wake up. I trust myself and I know it's the right thing to do.

After I signed the papers, I immediately felt a sense of relief. I am glad that I am past the lawyers-petitions-answers stage and glad that both our names are on a paper that officially ends our marriage, even though our marriage ended quite some time ago. I am eagerly awaiting the formality of having a judge sign the papers and looking forward to receiving some sort of document that makes this official. I am happy to be moving on.

Not long ago, someone told me that he was focusing on building a strong foundation for the future. Since then, I've thought a lot about these words, and how they apply to my life and my situation. In many ways, I have a strong foundation. I have a solid education, a good job that will support me and Riley financially and also allows for personal growth and development, a network of family and friends who love and support me and Riley. Riley and I are both healthy. We have a nice, safe home and safe, reliable transportation. I feel very blessed when i think of all we have. But in other ways, I am also working on building a strong foundation for our future. I am developing a stable, loving relationship with my baby girl. I am working on getting to know myself better. I am taking good care of Riley's needs while still finding a way to meet mine. I am figuring out this whole single parent world. It's been quite a ride so far, and probably will continue to be for quite some time.

Through it all, however, I keep reminding myself of one simple truth. I trust myself completely. I can trust myself to make the right decisions and find the right answers. I can trust myself to be a good mom for Riley and give her what she needs. I can trust myself to find what I need when I need it.

To paraphrase the quote at the top of the page, I may not know how my life will go from here, but I trust it (and myself) completely. And on days like today, when I find myself doing something I didn't ever truly expect, I realize that trusting myself to handle whatever life throws at me and to make the best of it is a huge gift to have given myself.

What it means

Ok, so it took me a few days longer than I thought to find time to write about the title of this blog.

When I turned 29, I decided to put together a list of 30 things I wanted to accomplish by the time I turned 30. These things might have seemed a little random to an outside observer, but actually every one contributed something to a goal or project I was working on at the time. Some things were very big and intimidating, like sending one of the books I have been working on to a publisher, and some were very small, like ride in a fire engine. I am the type of person who responds well to goals, and focusing on this list gave me direction to keep moving forward and not stagnate.

Number 8 on that list was "learn to walk in high heels".

Two plus years have come and gone since writing the 30 by 30 list, and many of those things were checked off. Some were put on hold due to pregnancy. And even though it required dedication and hard work to accomplish many of the items on the list, I remember being so proud of myself when I realized that I had learned to walk in heels. And the really funny thing is that there wasn't any special program or structure needed. I simply bought a pair of heels, and started walking around in them. Putting one foot in front of the other. After a while, I felt balanced where I used to feel unstable. I felt strong where I used to feel weak. I felt graceful where I used to feel awkward. And damn! I look good wearing high heels!

Is there a metaphor for life in this somewhere? I think so.

So the blog name is to remind me (and you) that it is possible to learn to do pretty much anything I need to or want to do if I just put on the shoes and keep putting one foot in front of the other. To remind me that I can find balance and strength and grace in things that are hard for me. And to remind me that after the hard times comes the reward, like shopping for shoes at the end of a long and exhausting week.