I can feel it...

Carved in stone - LaJolla California May 2008

This is so weird, but I can feel it.

Something big is coming. Something big and new and important and positive.

I wish I could define it better, but that's the best I can do for now.

Until I can define it better, i'm dancing in the possibilities.

I believe....

*in Karma.
*You can fake it until you make it.
*Sexy is a state of mind.
*in True Love.
*There are many "right" ways to live. We choose what feels best to us.
*In being honest.
*It takes a certain kind of strength to be kind.
*In forgiveness.
*In finding neutrality when you can't quite make it to forgiveness.
*In moderation in all things.
*In speaking my truth and honoring the truth in others.
*It's important to raise my child to be able to think for herself.
*It's ok to cry.
*In learning something new whenever possible.
*In doing something every day that scares me.
*There is nothing that isn't made better by a hot bath and a massage.
*In finding the humor and hilarity in all things.
*When all else fails, go to bed.

What about you? What do you believe?

Some things need to be celebrated with the GIRLS!

January 30, 2009
Divorce-iversary Celebration

Thanks Girls!

Friday - Feelin' the Love

Holding Riley for the first time - - Sept 1, 2007

I've been thinking for a while about how to take "Gratitude Friday" to the next level. I think it's very important for me to make a deliberate attempt to talk about and honor the things I am grateful for, but I wanted to make it less of a list that simply counts my blessings (which is great and very important) but more of a chance to talk about the good things in my life and why they are so great and how they came to be and what they mean to me. I wanted Fridays to be less about "this week X Y and Z good things happened" and instead be more dynamic and more appreciative of what's making me feel good now. I know it doesn't seem all that different, but it's reflective of a mind shift I'm working through right now. Trust me, it's important.

This week, my mind has been stuck on babies. Babies, babies, babies, babies, babies (and yes, I'm probably ovulating). I think about my sister's twins all the time. I have looked at, cried over, absorbed and been engrossed by pics of Riley from the day she was born. I have found reasons to walk by the nursery at work. I have been staring at the babies in the baby room at Riley's daycare. And yes, I am certain that the nurses and daycare workers will be looking for me if a baby shows up missing in the near future. I can hardly hold a tiny baby because my Uterus starts skipping beats. I am, firmly, definitely, and unavoidably BABY HUNGRY!

Here's the problem: There is no prospects of "Daddy" anywhere around here and as much as I love Riley and wouldn't trade any of our experiences for the world, I absolutely refuse to be a single mom with a new baby again. It's too hard and too painful and I won't do it.

So, today I am LOVING all the babies out there that aren't mine! The twinners....adorable little chubby men that have my heart wrapped up in their tiny little fists. Everytime I get a picture of them, I can't help but get a little teary-eyed thinking about how perfect they are and how much they mean to my family. My cousin Brynne is going to have a new little one on Monday, and I can't wait to meet him (her? I think it's a boy). I have friends who are expecting and that's exciting and fun to think about. And of course, i'm madly in love with my baby, even though she isn't so little or babyish anymore. Plus, I have the cutest neices on the planet who aren't babies either, but are so fun. So, even though a baby of my own isn't in the cards for me now, I'm so grateful for the other little ones in my life. Babies are all about new beginnings, starting fresh and the purest form of love. This Friday, I'm loving them.

This will be fun!

In the spirit of my girls Jenica and the other Amy, I'm paying it forward with a little giveaway.

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! My choice. For you. This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:
1. I make no guarantees that you will like what I make for you!
2. What I create will be just for you.
3. It'll be done this year.
4. You have no clue what it's going to be. It may be a song. It may be a self portrait or maybe even some creation I haven't yet dreamed up. I may draw. I may bake you something and mail it to you. It may not be big or impressive. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure! (Nor I at this point...)
5. I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

The catch? The catch is that you must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog. The first 5 people to post this same information on their blog and leave a comment telling me they did will win a fun homemade gift by me! Let's keep the chain of love going around!!!

Good things

I wasn't able to get it together enough to get a Gratitude Friday post up this past week. Things are busy, Riley requires a constant watchful eye, or she will bring the house down in a matter of minutes, and I have been trying to stay on top of it all.

Not writing about what I'm thankful for does not mean, however, that I am not finding and recognizing the good things in my life. And in the interest of noticing the good and continuing to draw good things toward me, I figured i needed to get this out there TODAY.

~So grateful for this girl . Even before I met her in person, I followed her blog and found a lot of insight, humor, and wisdom in her words. And guess what...? She's even more beautiful, more insightful, more humorous and wiser in the flesh. AND she is smokin' hot with a modern-day gypsy cowgirl style. I'm honored to know her and blessed to be on her blog links, which has given me connections with more people that I am honored and blessed to know. Thanks, Jen. You are fab!

~I'm so thankful that my sister and her little ones are home from the hospital after a bout with the dreaded RSV. It's a really terrible year for RSV across the nation, and I'm thankful that their battle is over. The twins are healthy and BIG!

~I've recently reconnected with a lot of friends from my past, which has been fun. There is one certain person, however, that I am absolutely POSITIVE was brought back in my life for a reason. I've learned a lot from her in the short time we've been back in touch, and am hoping to get to see her and her little one soon. Erin, thanks for everything...from the long chats to the random emails that are rather entertaining to the shared nosiness and for teaching me how to download. I'm so glad you are around.

~I'm so grateful for interesting work that fulfills my need to learn more and challenge myself. I LIKE going to work. I ENJOY doing what I do. I look forward to the complicated parts of my job. I feel like what I do is important and makes a difference. How cool is that? Yes, I work hard, but i'm happy to do it. Awesome!

~Speaking of liking my work, I am so thankful for a flexible schedule that allows me to take care of my daughter and myself. I've needed some time off lately to deal with routine stuff (eye appointments, yearly physicals, etc.) and it's so nice to not have this kind of thing cause more stress in my busy life.

~Some recent change with Riley's time with her dad will begin to allow me a little more time to myself than I have had since she was born. Although I miss Riley when she is away, I'm so glad to have the time to meet some committments I have made and to have a little bit of time to myself to pursue my own interests (cyclocross, anyone?) . And I'm incredibly grateful that she will be spending time with her dad, who loves and adores her and I can rest assured she is well cared for. This change has been a while coming and I'm grateful to have a relationship with Riley's dad in which we are both focused on what is best for her and can work together to help each other out. It's positive and healthy and I'm very grateful for it.

Ok, back to the grind (that I love!). As always, this is such a snippet of the many good things I have, but putting it out there invites it back to me. I am very blessed.



~

Raw

It's been a busy morning around here. Riley burst out of sleep early, around 6 am, screaming "Moooom" and pounding on her wall. When I made it into her bedroom, she was straddling the side of her crib. By heaving her weight forward onto her tiptoes, she almost succeeded in hurling herself over the side of the crib and into a painful sort of freedom. I guess it's time for the toddler bed.

It's been more than six hours since my wake-up call, and the little Miss is currently back to screaming in her crib, fighting sleep although she desperately needs it. I will win this battle, though. I'm the Mama. I say she needs to rest, and so rest she will. And because she is Riley, with her own opinions about absolutely everything, she will fight me on it. It is what it is and it is how it's always gonna be between us. And I'm fine with that.

But watching her fight her way up and over the obstacle that was blocking her way to freedom has got me thinking that, in a slightly different way, that's exactly where I'm at right now. I've been staring at a few unresolved and undefined issues for a while, too. Like the sides of her crib, the things that are holding me back are slatted- I can see through them, I know they are there and I can see there is something better out there, but other than hurling myself over them, I can't really see any other way out. I'm working on throwing my weight forward so I can gain the momentum to get over. I'm ready to be past the things that are caging me in right now. But I am also smart enough to see that although I have to go up and over to get past the barriers, Damn! It's gonna hurt!

It's funny because all of the things I am dealing with right now are completely self made. They are my own issues, and while they may be compounded by the other life circumstances I find myself in, the problems (issues, struggles, whatever you want to call them) are courtesy of my own unique quirks.

So you add together the everyday challenges of single motherhood, dealing with a fiesty little girl who knows her own mind (and whose screech currently rivals the little monkey screeches at the zoo-so grating and over the top), a messy house (courtesy of said little girl and our exploration of fingerpainting), a to-do list that won't get done, work committments, personal committments, a few relationships that need some serious thought and action thrown their way, and the recognition that I'm in a small state of flux that needs some time and thought thrown it's way too, and I guess it's no surprise that I'm feeling a bit, well, raw today. Things that normally would slide right by me seem rather abrasive and I feel like I need to soak in something that is cool and soothing and gentle. Yes, raw is the perfect word.

And because I have now defined it, because I can recognize what I need and also because the other-worldly screaming has subsided now that Yaya has given in to the desperately needed sleep, it's time for me to take advantage of the quiet and give in to sleep myself.