Off Balance

I woke up today with a backache. Not just a little twinge, but a persistent, painful, 'i-can-barely-move' backache. This should have been enough to clue me in that something wasn't right. I'm healthy and in good shape; waking up with aches and pains is not the norm for me.

So I made a mental note to call my chiropractor as soon as her office opened, popped some "Vitamin I" (ibuprofen) and proceeded with my day.

The morning just went downhill from there. My work email was full of demands on my already limited time, my personal email contained some bad news from a good friend. My daughter didn't feel completely well still, so she was not happy with anything, and she went off to daycare in angry tears, refusing to give me a hug or kiss. As it always does, this set me up for tears of my own, and I spent the next couple of hours trying to put out the worst of the work fires, while lamenting my failure as a mother (I know this isn't true, but it felt that way today). I got ready for the day while consuming the breakfast of champions (i.e. Diet Mt. Dew) and left for my chiropractic appointment. I'm still not sure if I washed my hair or not.

Apparently the Universe was looking out for me today, because Jenica also had an appointment at the same time, so I was able to chat things up with her while we waited to be seen. She knows my whole story. She knows my world. She was in my home last night, and she saw right through the "i'm alright" and just listened while I spilled about my piles of laundry, and my to-do list that has quickly gotten out of control, and my worries about not being able to handle everything that's going on right now, and my fears of not being enough. And finally something settled within me that has been lingering in my soul for the past few days.

I have a lot going on right now. A LOT. I have a long list of major projects that are due in the next few months for work. My daughter hasn't felt well for quite a while, which makes her clingy and whiny, and is unusual for my independent little one. Her illness has caused me to miss some time at work, but my list of responsibilities continues to get longer by the day. My personal life has some truly wonderful things happening, but with that comes a lot of decisions to be made and a lot of changes to negotiated. My daughter's father has been dealing with some upheaval in his life, too, which has caused her time with him (and thus, my time without her when i'm most productive) to be inconsistent and unpredictable. This unpredictability has left her more than a bit confused and she's been more needy than usual lately. I haven't been working out like I need and like to, mostly due to the unpredictable visitation schedule my daughter has with her dad, but also because there is so much to do at work right now. To add to this, I'm anticipating moving in the next few months, so I am trying to figure out the timing of selling my condo but I'm still not certain exactly where i'll be moving to. And this is just THE SHORT LIST.

Oh, boy.

So after some *snap*crackle*pop* to my back and neck, I diagnosed myself.

Like my spine, my life is out of balance. Not seriously, but enough that some treatment is needed. I was ignoring the signs and symptoms, and so my body gave me a physical sign I couldn't ignore.

And now I'm trying to figure out the next steps. What can I do now that will help me get centered enough to make these decisions rationally instead of reacting to situations beyond my control? What can I do to make more time to train, so I can feel physically healthy and whole, while still fulfilling my obligations at work? How can I help my daughter through the transitions that she has to make while maintaining a normal level of patience and sanity with her? How do I make time for my very new relationship when he and I both have other very important commitments to attend to?

Seriously, people....how do I do this? I know I'll figure it out, but any advice is greatly appreciated.

I need this

I'm in a weird place today...a little off balance, a little bit tired, a little too in my own head. I'm very happy and excited about the direction my life is taking these days, but somewhat frustrated with the varied roadblocks and barriers that keep cropping up and a whole lot annoyed that there is nothing I can do to move past them. Sitting and waiting is not my forte.

In an effort to keep from letting my head settle into a negative space, I am trying to concentrate on the many good things I have going on.

**A very special person has become an important presence in my life, adding huge amounts of hilarity and joy and love to my days, and bringing with him lots of changes and many opportunities to stretch and grow. Sorting through the details of how to blend two lives into one relationship isn't always easy, but being with him IS. And because I feel so completely myself around him, because I feel so loved and safe, the details are just that...details.
**My kiddo is getting goofier and more fun every day. Right now, she loves to pretend to be a kitty that can meow the word "chocolate"(sad, I know), throws impressive tantrums that land her in time out quite often, and loves to watch "Go Diego Go" (I like Diego so much more than Dora). Life with a two and a half year old in a never-ending adventure. I'm so grateful to have the chance to be her mom.
**Spring is right around the corner, which means CYCLING is right around the corner. I can't wait to be back on my bike and begin actively training for LOTOJA. I've been spending most of my cold-weather workout time working on increasing my running and swimming speed and strength, and I've enjoyed the process and have noted the results, but I'm so excited to ride. It's where my heart is, athletically speaking.
**I'm really looking forward to a trip to New York in May to spend some time with a couple of amazing women, a biking trip to Moab with some girlfriends in April, and a few other adventures along the way. And, of course, Squam by the Sea is in October and I'm already dreaming about those days full of yoga, writing, beach time and the company of some seriously soul-filling women. I'm lucky to live a live that allows these type of experiences.
**Some exciting things are happening on the work front. I consider myself very blessed to have a job that is mentally challenging and personally fulfilling.
**I'll be painting with my girls next week! It's been way too long since I had some girl time- painting time. I need it....badly.
**I just ran into an old Air Force friend on my walk into work today, and we are going to get together with some of the "old gang" in the next couple of weeks. It's always good to see people who have added so much dimension to who you became as a person. Reconnecting with her today was nothing short of serendipitous.

Just a few of the good things I have going on. What's some of the good things you have going on today?

February 12of12

As you can see, February 12 was all about getting ready for Valentine's day, with a whole lotta Riley in the mix. It was warm enough to wear flip-flops in February, and you can't beat that.


*and yes, I know the date on my alarm clock say Feb. 13. It's a day fast. I can't figure out how to fix it (or actually, I haven't really tried.)

Remember...

Just one of the details.

It always amazes me how the little details are the ones that make the most impact, the ones that I remember many years later. They become the threads that swirl and weave together, forming the story of who we are, of what we have become. The writer in me pays attention to the details, so I can use them to add richness and depth to my work. But when I'm not writing, when I'm just reflecting, I let the details play across my mind and I amuse myself with the sweet and sometimes odd images that have found a home in my subconscious and reappear later to add richness and depth to my memories.

I often take a walk through these images, recounting the numerous threads that form the tapestry of my life. The way my mom's knobby white bedspread felt on my five year old palm, how my teenage hair used to bounce on my shoulders, the curls tangling with the sequins on my drill team uniform. I wander through my childhood home, remembering the way it smelled like "my family" (much in the same way my friend's daughter recently told her dad he smelled like "college") and how my father's voice could be always be heard, no matter where in the house he happened to be. I still vividly recall how it felt to step off the bus at basic training, how the Texas humidity assaulted me, how my stomach lurched at the sight of the drill instructors, how the metal plates on the bottom of their boots tapped an insistent rhythm, demanding attention, commanding obedience. I remember how it felt to be handed a diploma with my name and new initials on it, how years of hard work culminated with two new letters and a world of possibility. Through my mind's eye, I watch my own vision narrow to center on one phrase on a lab slip, proof positive that a small miracle was growing inside of me, my hands trembling with a mixture of trepidation and delight. I remember the sensations of pulling and pressure that were dulled, but not completely obliterated by anesthetic, how the doctors hurriedly removed my child from me and the unexpected physical emptiness that followed. I replay the feeling of my heart swelling with more love and adoration than i ever imagined possible, all for the tiny little wonder they put into my arms, and how it felt when her lips moved in a gentle rhythm against my skin, how her delicate fingers encircled mine, how she looked at me with a tender recognition that told me she knew who I was. And now, how she soaks up the attention that is often lavished on her, how she smiles unabashedly at strangers, how she cuddles and kisses with reckless abandon, how she meets the world head on and face forward; her energy a heady mixture of sparkle and stubbornness. So many details, so many memories, a life full of richness and depth.

I've been busy the past little while creating some new memories. And while I waited for my words to catch up to the motion, I have been cataloging these images so I can walk through them again and again; to remember the details, to recall the feelings, to replay the events that are leading up to a new way of life and layering on the richness and depth to an already magical time.

Hip deep in the crazy!

I feel a little bit nuts today.

I didn't sleep well last night, my mind tumbling and whirling across all sorts of thoughts and ideas, jumping and spinning and finding no place to rest.

Unfortunately, two hours of sleep led to ignoring the alarm clock, which led to a harried, rushed morning, which led to an off-center mama, which led to an off-center baby, which led to some 'pink shoe' drama, which led to an order of 'get in the car, no gum today', which led to tears and whining and more drama, which led to no good-bye kiss for mama, which led to feelings of guilt and 'i-suck-at-this-mom-thing', which led to more tears (mine this time), which led to a 'grouchy-hide-in-my-office-try-not-to-talk-to-anyone-Andrea*-is-in-full-effect' kind of day.

So, in an effort to resurrect some sort of productivity, I wrote down everything that came to my mind over five minutes, to clear it out and make room for some normalcy.

*I think I said "Um" at least 40 times in my talk yesterday.
*I need to do some shopping for dresses that are not so short and more church appropriate.
*I want some brown boots, cowboy boots.
*The new book by Elizabeth Gilbert is really good, despite what I heard about it.
*Why does the Jeep dealership keep calling me to try to buy-back my Jeep?
*I need to get my oil changed.
*Willy Wonka is kind of creepy. Ok, really creepy.
*I am supposed to drink more water.
*I can't believe this week is finally happening. Eeep!
*Squam by the sea...I must remember to send my payment first thing on Feb. 1!
*What kid is allergic to broccoli? My kid is so weird.
*Is the Pythagrian theorum A2 + B2 = C2? It's about right triangles. Right?
*Why am I drinking chamomile tea? I don't even like chamomile tea. Oh yeah...it's supposed to be good for me. or stress. something like that.
*Should I paint my bathroom aqua? or maybe pink? I want to paint my bedrooms too. Navy. Or Grey. Ooooh, and my living room. Maybe my hallway.
*Maybe I should just move.
*Birthday presents for my favorite twinners! Gotta get on that!
* I don't just want a new camera, I NEED a new camera. Really, I do.
*Taxes, taxes, taxes. I have a love/hate relationship with taxes.
*Am I running or swimming today? Can't remember.
*My mom is almost done with radiation. I hope she is feeling better today.
*I need a nap.
*I think I'll go snowboarding this weekend. Yes, definitely I need to ride this weekend.
*My report is further along than I thought it would be. Yay!
*The SAINTS are in the superbowl (YAY!) but they are playing my COLTS (YAY!) How do you pick a team when your two faves are playing each other?
*Have I ever actually ridden a riding lawn-mower? hmmmm.....
*Where should Riley and I go on vacation this year? The Beach? The mountains? The redwood forest?

And that's it. Five minutes of my random thoughts. As you can see, not many are directly related to anything I should be doing right now. But that's how it is today. It's just one of those days.

I'm hip deep in the crazy.

I need some sleep tonight.



*For those of you who don't know, Andrea is my bitch alter-ego. This was not meant as a slam on anyone named Andrea. It came about through a very scientic process.

Those things we hold close

I have parts of myself that I hold close. Secrets I keep because it seems too scary not to, pieces I protect by clutching them tightly against my chest. Guarded against the wind and the rain and the careless chatter that can do much more damage than the elements. I keep them sheltered from everyone, even those closest to me. Maybe especially those closest to me.

It's hard for me to let go, to give up the small secrets I have, even to those who have found their way deep into my heart. It's hard for me to offer this view to another, because even the smallest truths sometimes feels too big to hand over to anyone else. Logically, I know this is not true; my life isn't that dramatic or ragged. These are small acts of trust, just simple acts of faith in another. Yet it's difficult, often painful, to say what I need to say. It's difficult, often painful, to wait and watch, wondering if what I'm offering is going to be accepted, if someone else can hold them as close as I do, can protect them as well as I can.

I'm finding myself doing this more these days, trying to make this kind of openness a skill that is second nature. It's getting easier, I'm slowly getting more comfortable, but I can still see a lot of room for improvement.

What do you do to help yourself open up, to share parts of yourself that are still tender, still raw?

12of12 Challenge - January 2010

I decided to play along with some friends, documenting the 12th day of each of the 12 months with 12 photos. I think it will be a great way to document my life this year, as well as show my family and friends what my typical days look like.

I'm wishing for a new camera to use for this project in February. :)