Re-evaluating

Since forever, I've had a mug that had a quote from Thoreau (a personal favorite of mine) that says:

"Move confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."

Like I said, I've had this mug forever (I think I got it as a high school graduation gift) and it has accompanied me to college, through my military service, to graduate school, to the first day of my first 'real job', and now it sits on my desk at work. I use it for my tea every day, so I read these words EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Well, this past week, they clicked in. And I started asking myself "am I doing that? Am I moving confidently in the direction of my dreams? Do I even know what those dreams are, for sure? Am I living a life I imagined? What do I imagine? How would my life be if I could imagine the absolute perfect life for me? Does it look anything like the life I live now?"

See, here's the thing...Dreams change. So living the life you imagine has to change too....

The starry eyed 17 year old who drove her mustang off to the big, exciting world of Logan, Utah, never pictured her life would end up here. She was getting a degree so that she could support her family on the 'off' chance her doctor/lawyer/college professor husband was in a terrible tragic accident while he was on a medical expedition with Doctor's without Border's and couldn't make it home for 6 months to one year. Sure, she loved to learn and was pretty smart, but the bigger picture was about being a wife and mother and keeping the maids on task in the 6 bedroom, 5 bathroom house with a pool and a zen garden.

Well, 14 years later, I have an advanced degree and I'm living in a slightly bigger city, in a much smaller than imagined condo. I am divorced, I have a beautiful child that I am raising alone, and I work every single day to provide for that life. The marriage I did have didn't work out so well, so i had to throw that dream away to start on a new one. But here's the thing...that girl who though she was pretty smart....well, it turned out that she was an incredibly intelligent woman who can make things happen for her and her world, who can take care of herself and her child, who can find a little bit more within herself to be a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister, and accomplish a few of the new goals she sets for herself.

I'm living a dream, all right. Just not the dream I started out with.

Still, this type of self-exploration doesn't really allow for settling for what is, and I'm glad that it doesn't. I don't want to be the type of person who settles for how things are, because it's easier and safer and quieter. If I'm not dreaming of bold dreams for myself, who the heck will? I've never been one to take the easy way, and I don't want my daughter to see me as this type of example. I want her to have a mother who dreams big, works hard, and then dances in the life she created for herself. I want her to have a mother who lives authentically, loves with her entire heart, and embraces the opportunities for growth and adventure that come her way. So the question I keep asking myself is "am I doing this? and if not, what do I need to do to become this person?"

So, I'm re-evaluating. Do I have the right job for this life? Do I live in the right place for this life I'm imagining? Do my actions reflect my priorities? Do my friend and those I spend time with enhance these goals? Do I speak my truth, whatever that is, no matter how hard it might be? Do I live with purpose and gratitude and compassion? Do my family and friends know how much I love them? Does my daughter know how much I love her? Are the expectations I put on my life and myself reasonable, or am I setting myself up for disappointment?

The list could go on and on, but basically, it boils down to "Am I moving confidently in the direction of my dreams? Am i living the life I imagine?"

It's funny how things come full circle.