You know....

You know those times when things are really good, but super busy, and you have a million things going on and a thousand things on your mind and you want to sit down and write about them all, but you can't stop running and jumping and playing and singing and dancing and twirling and skipping and laughing in order to do so?

Well, I'm spinning around in one of those times right now.

And it's LOVELY!

Random Ramblings of a Monday Mind

Squam Lake - Sept. 2008

Clothes
*None of my clothes fit me. Everything is too big… jeans, shirts, dresses, even my workout clothes are too big. Overall, this is a good thing but in the short term, it’s expensive and inconvenient.

Friends
*I’m sensing a shift in many of my friendships lately. I’m gravitating to some, and yet I feel like there is a burgeoning divide developing in others. Is it me? Is it them? Does that even matter?

Riley’s broken wrist
*Is it wrong to think her first cast is simply adorable? It’s pink! And so tiny! Plus, my girl is fearless and headstrong, so there will be many more of these in the future. We might as well enjoy the novelty of the first one, right?

Work
*I’ve started to bribe myself with rewards for getting through a successful, productive week. This feels a little juvenile, but hey- it works. Plus, I can use the rewards to replace bits and pieces of my wardrobe that no longer fits.

Dating
*I am thinking about extending the ‘dating hiatus’ out a bit longer. It’s been so liberating to spend the summer concentrating on enjoying my amazing friends and family, working towards my personal goals, and putting solid effort into my writing. Dating is so much work and so maddening. Is it worth it to me right now? I'm leaning towards "no".

Swimming
*Why on earth did I not learn to swim until now? It’s a great workout and a fabulous way to recharge. For an hour, it’s only me and the solid black line on the pool tiles. Those things that matter bubble up to the top when I step out. The water dissolves the rest.

Riley’s (and my) Birthday
*Party? Dinner with friends? Mini get-a-way for the two of us? I don’t know how you are supposed to celebrate 2 and 33 at the same time.

Nieces and Nephews
*I wish I lived closer to all my nieces and nephews. I never imagined that these children, who are not even my own, could have such a stronghold on my heart.

Squam Art Workshops
*A serene lake. Amazing friends. Laughter. Tears. Overwhelming inspiration. The wildness of nature. New Hampshire in the fall. The thrill of creating. The joy of finding the words. It’s calling to me. Only 7 weeks. I cannot wait.

Christmas
*Is it too early to start planning for this? At what point does organized become obsessive?

Teaching Primary
*I can’t believe I get to hang out with 8 year olds during church. How awesome is that? I am really excited, mostly because I feel completely out of my element with the adults, but 8 year olds? 8 year olds I can handle.

Today...

In case you didn't guess, photo by Jenica

My mind can't settle down.

I'm having a hard time focusing on the upcoming week. So many commitments, so many possibilities, so much to do.

Thoughts are jumping around my head, bumping together, dancing wildly and generally wreaking havoc on a mind that needs a place to rest.

This is not unusual for me. It's not necessarily a bad thing.

Often, out of these jumbled thoughts come the words I've been waiting for, the vision I've been watching for, the inspiration I've been praying for.

And so,
I wait.
I watch.
I write.

Looking for order. Searching for balance. Finding the pattern.


Waiting.

Just waiting.

Grateful for single motherhood (yes, I just said that)

Miss Yaya wearing one of my biking jerseys.

Lately, i've found myself getting a little bit irritated about how complicated being a single mom can be. Running errands is an exercise in futility. Walking the dog is painful for all involved. Even simply running to the store for milk is tricky, requiring planning and patience. I try to find ways to keep things as simple as possible, to plan ahead, but still, everything takes a bit longer with an almost two year old, and even longer when you are the only one around to keep her in check. The social events we attend can be draining; i'm trying to talk to people and enjoy myself and she is trying to dig her way to freedom with another two year old and a plastic spoon. Church is not restorative, but rather insanity inducing. Shopping...well, let's just say I'm saving a lot of money.

There are, however, a lot of things I really like about being a single parent, and today I am choosing to be grateful for these things. While this is not the life I want to live forever, and certainly not how I would choose to raise more children, this is the life I live now, and there are some really great things about it.

My daughter and I are incredibly close. I am the most important person in her life, and she is the most important person in mine. She loves me. She needs me. And because it's just us, I imagine that I get to spend a lot more time developing that bond and strengthening our relationship than a lot of mothers do. Yes, I have to work and yes, I believe that I am the best mother I can be when I have my own interests and goals outside of motherhood, but still, we spend a lot of quality one-on-one time together. I'm grateful for this time and for being able to indulge in snuggles, hugs, playing, swimming, walking, exploring, and reading with her.

Another thing I am grateful for is the ability to do what I think is best for Riley, without having to compromise or make arrangements around anyone else. Riley's dad is great about talking through the decisions that will affect Riley, such as daycare, school, healthcare, etc. and I appreciate his insights and value his opinion. Ultimately, however, I am able to make the final decision that will fit in best with our life and lifestyle. I am grateful for this. It makes my life a lot easier.

Riley spends time with her dad each week, and as she is getting older, the time she spends with him increases. Although i miss her when she is gone, I also really enjoy the chance I have to take some time for myself. Whether that means working out, taking classes, writing, art, spending time with friends, or just running errands without child in tow, I love being able to have some free time and not have to worry about Riley because she is with someone who adores her and takes amazingly good care of her. I know a lot of moms don't get this kind of "me" time, and I'm grateful for it. It's a huge bonus of being a single mom.

Finally, having Riley pushed me to reevaluate who I was and whether that was the type of person I wanted to be. Being a single mom has pushed me to do whatever I can to become that person. I know I'm Riley's main role model. I know she will always look to me for guidance and I know that the best way to teach is by example. I really can't slack off when it comes to parenting and I can't slack off when it comes to living a life I can be proud of, because I know she is watching me. Even now, as small as she is, I see her imitate me in little ways. I know she sees me and I want her to see a woman who is strong, confident, sure of herself and works hard to reach her goals. I want her to learn how to be open-minded and accepting of all, while not compromising who she is and what she values. I don't want her to be afraid to try something because she might fail. I want her to approach life with her arms wide open and embrace love with her heart wide open. She can only learn these things if she sees them in action, and so I am trying to live my life so she can see them and learn from me. The person I was before becoming a mother did not live this way. The person I am now does.

Being a single mom is rough. It can be physically exhausting and emotionally draining. But it can also be full of adventure and opportunities to help both mother and child grow into the best versions of themselves. It's an up and down, back and forth, try and try and try again, live, love, laugh, cry, learn, keep on keepin' on type of life. And for this life, for the person I am now, for the person I am becoming and for my beautiful daughter, I am grateful.



Our matching 'Fred Flintstone' feet, complete with matching toenails.

Swimming and biking and running....oh, my!

My super-awesome and amazing friend, Candace, who thought up this crazy idea in the first place.

If you had asked me on January first what I thought I'd be doing come the middle of July, I can GUARANTEE that I would not have said "I'll probably be doing a few triathlons". I've never been considered athletic, by myself or anyone else, and until recently, any working out I did was purely to for aesthetic reasons.

All of that changed when I started to work out again after having Riley. Very quickly, I discovered that while exercise was important for dropping the baby weight and toning up the muscles that stretched out during pregnancy, it was even more crucial to maintaining my sanity while dealing with a brand new baby, going through a divorce and trying to figure out where exactly I fit into a world that felt like it was quickly disintegrating. The gym became my refuge; the elliptical, my therapist. I pounded out out my frustrations in kickboxing and found order from the chaos in my mind during a hard and sweaty spin class. At some point, the motivation became less about looking good and more about feeling good, and that was it. I was hooked.

When the weather started to get nicer and race season was quickly approaching, my friend Candace started throwing around the idea of training for a triathlon with her. She had already competed in several and her enthusiasm made the whole idea sound fun and empowering. I started to seriously think about it. I was already biking a lot, I was doing some running...I couldn't really swim, but two out of three isn't bad. I took a deep breath, ignored the voice in my head that kept asking "what the hell are you thinking", and signed up. I was officially in training. It was April 16th. The triathlon I signed up for was July 18th, so I had about three months to get ready.

I kept up the running, added some tri specific weight training into the mix, and kept biking as much as possible. The variation of training really worked for me, and I started feeling fantastic almost immediately. I was still a little freaked out about the swimming part of it, but I kept telling myself I just needed to "tweak" my technique a little bit. My friend, Katie, helped me out a bunch and I continued to work on my own, but I was still missing something. I just didn't know what I was doing. I read some books, I did TONS of online research and luckily, I found a trainer at my gym that did swimming specific training, signed up with her, and started to really learn what I was doing. As it turns out, Malaika is a professional triathlete as well as a personal trainer, so she knows what she's talking about in all of the areas I was concentrating on. Working with her has been an absolute godsend (i'm planning a post about this whole thing later this week) and I started to feel like I really could do this. I really could complete a triathlon.


My transition area- post triathalon.

The day of the race came following a hectic week. Instead of camping at the race site, as originally planned, I drove down the morning of the event and only had a little bit of time to get ready. I set up my transition area, and talked to a few people. There was a festive, fun-filled atmosphere. The announcer kept reminding everybody to have fun, and there were 80's hits playing in the background. Some people were VERY intense and focused, some were just having a good time. Some, like me, were clearly first-timers and some were seasoned pros. It was interesting to be part of it.

When my wave was announced for the swim, I started to get a little nervous. The gun (was there a gun? I'm not actually sure.) went off, my wave hit the water, and I was off. I felt a moment of panic when I first started swimming, but I kept going, using the 'one-two-three-breathe-one-two-three-site' strokes I had been working on, and that worked relatively well for the first leg of the triangle. Around the buoy I went, started on the second leg, and was a little tired but doing relatively well. That is, until a gigantic fish showed up in my face right as I came up to site. I was prepared for little fish, I was ready for water snakes (and yes, I saw both on the first leg). But for some reason, the big fish (he seems about 12 inches long, but my mind could have exaggerated this) freaked me out. I came up, choked for a minute, laid on my back for a while and tried to get it under control. I talked myself down, started to swim again, and freaked out again. I decided it was better to back-stroke for a while so i was at least moving while I was freaking out, and that worked for me. I alternated backstroking and freestyle around the second buoy and to the finish. Some nice man in a kayak hung out by me from my freakout until the end and his presence made me feel ok about what was going on. I kept swimming, thought about the upcoming ride, and finished the hardest part (for me). I have never been more grateful to exit the water IN MY LIFE! It was time for the first transition. Next stop, bike ride.

The bike was definitely where I felt the most comfortable, so I just concentrated on enjoying the ride. My time was pretty good, especially considering I had to fix a flat at the half-way point. The course was lovely and I could have ridden for a lot longer than was required. There wasn't much to say about this part of the tri. I knew it would be my "fun" leg, and it totally was. I got into a little pissing match with one woman on the course- I passed her, she passed me, I passed her, she passed me again...but ultimately I kicked it into gear and left her behind. I told myself there was no competition for this tri (for me), but it felt kinda good seeing her ride in as I was starting to run...which brings me to the final portion: the run.


Me and my bike. Oh, how I love my bike!

I'm not a great runner. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I hate it while I'm doing it, but I love the feeling afterward. This run was ok for me...very slow time-wise, but I didn't expect any differently. My legs were shot after swimming and biking, so I took it slow and just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I could feel the altitude difference by now, my breath coming harder and faster than it would have normally. The best part of this leg was the little kids at the water stops..."water, gatorade, or pepsi?" They all seemed disappointed when I didn't take them up on the pepsi offer. One little boy, who was probably 3 years old, enthusiastically yelled "YOU CAN DO IT!" at the top of his lungs for every single runner, waving a NASCAR flag madly. His brother, who was a few years older, quietly said "good job. you're doing awesome," as I passed. He was just as earnest, but a little more reserved than his gregarious little brother. Both of them melted my heart. I found myself thinking how great the world would be if we could all offer everyone our own words of encouragement in whatever form is most natural to us...whether that is cheering wildly with a checkered flag, or quietly offering our support where it's needed. I thought about this on the rest of my run, into the finish line, where the announcer called me "Jenny Cash" because I was the "woman in black" and then...it was done. I had completed my first triathalon. I have the medal to prove it.

So the question I keep getting asked now is "Are you going to do another triathlon?" And my answer is a resounding and unequivocal "YES!" I learned several lessons from this one already, so why wouldn't I keep on keepin' on? It's fun! It's good for me! It's not something anyone can do! I'm proud of myself! I got to wear rubber and lycra in the same day! It was a great time!

Lessons learned from Scofield Triathlon:
1. Expect (and prepare for) the unexpected, whether it be a flat tire or a large fish.
2. If you freak out over the unexpected, hang out on your back for a while and think up plan B. And plan B should always include a nice person in a kayak who looks like they might reach out a hand if you go completely under.
3. Find a way to push yourself to do better, even if you are comfortable where you are at. There's nothing wrong with a little friendly competition if it pushes you to excel.
4. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and listen for the words of encouragement on the way. People are waiting to cheer you on...but you might have to listen for the ones who don't carry NASCAR flags.
5. Finally, figure out what areas need work and WORK ON THEM. I don't want to think that I settled for "ok" on something that I could have done a lot better on. I know I need to work on my swim skills. That's what I'm going to do.

As I mentioned before, I didn't ever think this was something I could do, but I did it. I can now call myself a triathlete. I'm really, really proud of that.

And I'm going to do it again soon!

But first, back into the pool for a little more work on the weak spots.

Athletic wisdom from Rumi

I know the words of an ancient Sufi poet/philosopher is kind of an odd place to find athletic inspiration, but hey, I take inspiration where I can find it.

Rumi said: "Respond to every call that excites your spirit".

Well, here are the things that excite my spirit right now, so I'm officially announcing my fitness goals for 2010.


LOTOJA is a 206 mile bike race that starts in Logan, Utah and ends in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. It's pretty intense and it goes right through my hometown. So, Sept. 2010 - all you Bear Lake residents better be out on the course, cheering me on!



Half Iron Man triathalon: the location is still to be determined, but I'm doing one of these in 2010. Even if it kills me, which it might. The distances for the Half are 1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike, and 13.1 mile run. I have quite a ways to go to get these distances within my reach, but i'm already figuring out how to get there. I've got a year, and I can do anything I set my mind to.

I am really enjoying pushing my limits physically these days, and these new goals give me something new and exciting to work towards. I'm excited. My spirit is excited. I have to respond to this call.

I'm saying yes

Another photo by the ridiculously talented and tremendously adorable Jenica.


I spent my twenties saying "No."

"No, I don't have time to go on a roadtrip, I'm busy studying."
"No, I don't have the money to backpack through Yellowstone, We're trying to buy a condo."
"No, I can't learn to swim. I'm 25. Who learns to swim when they are 25?"
"No, I can't take the day off and play in sand at Bear Lake. I'm trying to build up my career."
"No, I can't possibly paint. What on earth would I paint? There is not a creative bone in my body."
"No, I'm not going to dance. I'll look silly and awkward."
"No, I can't buy a bike. I live in the Avenues. Why would I want to ride up and down hills?"
"No, I'm not ready to have a baby. I'm not even sure I want to have kids."
"No, I can't do a triathalon. You have to run and bike and swim to do a triathalon and I don't do any of those things."
"No, I don't need to reexamine my life and my choices. This is good enough."
"No, I can't write a book. What would I write about and who would want to read it?"
"No, I don't think I've made a mistake. I don't often make mistakes."

No, I can't.
No, I don't.
No, I won't.
No, I shouldn't.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

So many years were spent saying no to the things I knew in my heart I needed to do.

Like writing. Like creating. Like letting go. Like learning to swim. Like running and biking and dancing and road-tripping. Like playing. Like loving myself for who I am. Like loving and accepting others for who they are. Like realizing that life is all about beginnings and endings. Like choosing to be happy.

So now, I'm saying "Yes".

To embracing motherhood with all the joy and exhaustion and elation and chaos that are part of it.
To writing and painting and creating whatever my soul needs to say.
To pushing myself to reach higher, run faster, and dig deeper.
To reaching outside myself and finding new friends and new experiences.
To loving who I am and accepting that while I'm not perfect, I'm pretty damn awesome.
To taking people at face value and reveling in their goodness.
To living my life on my own terms, and turning off the voices that offer unsolicited opinions.
To trusting that those who love me will be there for me, no matter what.
To waiting for the best for me and not settling for "good enough".
To finding the magic in the Universe and knowing it's all working for me.

To creating a life that is uniquely mine, that's perfect for me....

I'm saying "Yes."