Not my 12of12 post. Not even a little bit.

I keep sitting down to edit and compile my pics for my 12of12 post, and I keep finding a million other things to do instead of that.  I'm not sure why- I love the 12of12, but perhaps it's going to be in quarterly installments instead of monthly for 2013.   Whatevs....it'll get done, right?

This photo was taken by Riley and she loves it and wanted me to put it on my blog (which she calls a ba-log.)  She's very into grabbing my phone and snapping random pics and I LOVE seeing how she sees the world.

But tonight, i felt like showing up here, so I'm just gonna word vomit some of the stuff that has been going on in my mind lately...a  combo "what's happening around here/what's I'm thinking now" post, if you will.   Because I love lists.  And updates.  And also strawberry frosted Poptarts, but that's entirely irrelevant.

1.  So, I'm taking the Girl back east this spring to meet someone who I believe will be her lifelong Karmic Role Model (seriously, these two are kindred spirits) - the other Amy - and to see one of my besties since birth, Cam.  I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am about this trip.  Travel?  Amazing women?  People who get me right down to my bones? Children I adore? A new corner of the world to explore?  Yes, Please!

2.  Do you guys have Spotify?  Do you love it?  I love it.  You should get it.  You'd love it, too. At least, you should try out the free month trial and see what it does for your life.  It made mine much more musically diverse, which is only a good thing.

3.  It's January in Salt Lake City, which means inversions and Sundance.  When possible, I avoid really large crowds and men's cologne overdoses, so Sundance is out.  And the inversion means red air quality, which means I can't play outside, so XC skiing/snowshoeing/winter hiking is out. Plus it's really cold (like 2 degrees this morning.  yeeesh.)  So what I'm saying here is that this is the time of year to catch up on Netflix, and "How I Met Your Mother" is my current time-waster.  It's hilarious.  I'm plowing through the seasons.

4.  I've been inspired by C. Jane to write my life stories similar to the way she wrote hers - and although I'm not posting them on my blog, it's been such a good way for me to step back and gain perspective about my life and the stories that make it up.  In some cases, it's validating and empowering - allowing me to really own the stories that are mine and to let go of those that aren't.  In other cases, it's been so healing - allowing me to offer forgiveness to myself and others and to acknowledge that, despite mistakes and trials that were largely of my own making,  I was always just doing the best I could and working with what I had.  I doubt that these life stories are anything I'll ever share publicly - I plan to let Riley read them someday, and maybe a future spouse (should I ever get another one of those) - but even if I'm the only person who ever reads these, that's enough. Writing them was enough.

5. Womanhood. Feminism. Body image.  Spirituality vs. religiosity. Grace.  Sexuality.  Self Acceptance vs. Perfectionism.  Compassion.  Ego. Activism.   All topics that have been on my mind lately.  Separately and together.   Singularly and plural.  A big mess of complex topics all taking up space in my brain.

6.  I think I am going to go back to school.  I have no idea what this will look like yet.   More coursework towards my sorta close PhD?  Graduate work in an entirely different area?   Just some courses to update my education and round out my CV?  Classes in a 'luxury' area, one that won't change my career, per se, but are more for personal interest?   I really have no idea, but the idea is firmly taken hold in my mind.   I think I am going to go back to school.

7.  I'm trying to drink more water.  And I've found that I really prefer to drink diet Mt. Dew.  This is no surprise to me (and to anyone who knows me), but I thought I'd write it here anyway.

Easing In

It's been more than a week since the various New Year's celebrations occurred, and I'm just barely finding my way back to my blog to ring it in.  Typically, I start the New Year off big- with resolutions and resolve, determined to start off strong and continue that way all 365 days - come hell or high water.  But I'm choosing to operate a little bit differently this year, easing in instead of jumping in, following my gut instincts about what this year will bring.

Witness

Yesterday, I flew home surrounded by 16 men who were returning home to Idaho and Oregon after an 18 month deployment to Afghanistan.  For some reason, I was seated dead center- right smack in the middle of them.  Now, I love me some men in uniform, so I was more than happy to be where I was.  After the initial flirting and fun, they started talking, and for six hours, the words just spilled out of them.  They talked and talked and talked.  They told me all the funny stories they knew about each other, having 18 months of close contact to inform them of each others' habits and idiosyncrasies. They showed me medals and told stories of bravery, of courage, and of heartache.  They told me about their buddy who had died protecting some school children who were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and showed me pictures of his young daughter who will grow up without him.   Some showed me pictures of their babies who they had yet to meet, and another showed me photos of his wife, the only woman he had ever loved, but who decided she couldn't handle being alone, and so she sought comfort in another man.  She filed for divorce last month.  He told me this and held my hand when tears filled my eyes for him. He told me he'd already cried enough, that he had to move on.  They told me about how scary it was to get into a humvee, even after they swept it for UXO, because so many of them had seen this type of explosion.  They showed me a video of their friend who ran his first marathon, aided by a prosthetic leg.  They told me about watching the SuperBowl in the middle of the night, and how they all loved Modern Family.  They showed me a matching tattoo they all had on their knee, in honor of their fallen brothers. So many stories, so much of these men's lives, all came tumbling out between takeoff and landing. 

When the plane landed in Utah, I stood and hugged each and every one of them.  I told them how honored I was to have spent those hours with them, and that I wished them all the best.  One of them, the shy, quiet major who told me of his impending divorce, thanked me for listening to him and his 'men'.  He said that most people clapped and cheered for them, but not too many had really just listened. 

His last words to me were "You listened.  It's so great to have someone really listen." Then he hugged me and I went on my way, his words ringing in my ears. 

**********************************

My shoulders ache tonight.   It's been a week with too much travel, too many nights in a hotel, too many meetings.  My whole body is paying the price of too little exercise, too little sleep.  And despite a weariness that is bone-deep, a heaviness that has saturated every muscle,  I can't settle into sleep. 

My heart is heavy, too.  Heavy from the internal struggle of trying to reconcile intolerance and injustice against someone I love, handed out by an institution that I love.  Heavy with the growing debate on whether women of my faith can/should/will wear pants to church on Sunday (I know- it's comical, but it's real.)  It's heavy with the news of violence that seems to be growing exponentially each day, and mostly, it's heavy with the senseless death of so many innocent children. 

I've spent this evening thinking about these things that are weighing on my heart, reflecting how to move forward and how to make sense of all the craziness that seems to be in every corner of my life. 

I'm not suggesting that any of the things that weigh heavy on me today are actually my burdens.  I am not the one who feels that he has to choose between a church he loves and who he fundamentally is.   I will wear whatever I want to church on Sunday, and feel fine about it, because I have already settled that particular debate in my own head and heart.  I did not lose a child or a friend in today's shootings.

The question that weighs on me tonight is what I can do to make these things better for those who are really hurting, to find some sort of grace in the space between, because I can never make these things right. 

The word I keep coming back to is witness.

By one definition, witness means to observe and experience a particular event or situation, and by this observation, to be able to stand in confirmation of something  (example: he was able to witness that she signed the document.) 

And I think that the best thing that I can do right now, with these particular situation, is to act as a witness.  
To be present and to observe.  

I can be present and I can observe the pain my loved-one is feeling from simply being who and what he is. 
I can't change it.  But I can witness his pain.  

I can be present and I can observe the courage it takes for someone to go against a cultural norm, to take a small step towards what their heart says, because they feel like it's time their voice is heard.  
I can't change the norm.  But I can witness the courage it took for her to make her decision and to act.

I can be present and I can observe the grief that is bubbling up for so many today. 
I can't change the outcome.  But I can witness the heartache and the anger that many are feeling, that I myself am feeling. 

So why does it matter?  Who cares if all I can do is be present and observe?  How does this help?

Too often, we offer platitudes that are supposed to be comforting, but instead are just patronizing and annoying.  Instead of listening to the one who needs to talk, we yammer on and on, trying to convince them that we are right, that we know what to do, and that our way is the right way. (I had this experience this week- I needed to talk and the person I chose to talk to spent a good amount of time trying to convince me that what I was feeling wasn't real or valid.  It hurt.  A lot. And did nothing to make me change my mind.)

In my experience, one of the most healing gifts is to have someone witness your pain, your grief and your struggle, and be able to stand in confirmation of it.  To confirm that yes, you are hurting.  That yes, you are grieving.  That yes, you are confused.  That yes, this was terrible.  That yes, this is real.  

They can witness that you took those steps, that you felt those feelings and that this struggle was, in fact, real and worthy of all the pain and struggle and grief.  It's validating.  It's empowering.  And when we are hurting and greiving and struggling, we need validation.  We need empowerment.  We need to someone to listen. 

We need a witness. 

I finally found my witness tonight, and was able to lay out some of what I was feeling to her.  She  was present and observed.  She listened to me rant and cry and be angry and upset.  And although she offered no solutions, she really heard what I was feeling and stood in confirmation that yes, it was real and that yes, it really sucked.  And I feel more whole, more validated and more empowered because of her standing as my witness.  

So, I'm moving forward with the intention to be a witness for others.  
I can't change the awful tragedies, the injustice, the anger and the pain. 
But I will be a witness to it.  
I will be present and observe and be ready to stand in confirmation of what is happening and what those around me are feeling. 
To be a witness to their grief, their struggles and hopefully, also their happiness and their joy.  
To validate and to empower.  


It's what I can do now.  
It's what I will do now. 

And once once we have listened and heard, once we have validated and empowered -  then we can move on.  

But for now, for me, it's time to stand as a witness. 

Tonight, I'm:

Wondering where November went.  Two big trips, one to California and one to Colorado.  Two different bouts of illness for my Girl.  Two rounds of antibiotics.  Too many trips to the pediatrician. Too many sleepless nights.  Two writing deadlines.  Oh, yeah.  That's where November went.

Looking forward to a weekend with no obligations.  It's the first time in more than two months that we aren't out of town or have some major commitment.  I'm pretty happy about spending the next couple of days relaxing at home.

Enjoying the latest issue of the Sun. I love this magazine - I am always so happy to pull it out of my mailbox.

Thinking about getting out my sewing machines.  I haven't felt pulled to sew for a while, but I have some ideas brewing that I think I'm just about ready to work on.

Wishing my favorite Brother-In-Law a Happy Birthday, and wishing him and my sister Happy Fifth Anniversary.  I can't believe they have been married for five years (and they already have three kids-crazy!) 

I made her bouquet the night before her wedding using flowers from Costco and a random green ribbon.  Don't be jealous of my resourceful, crafty skills, ya'll.  It's my pioneer heritage coming through. :)

Planning for another trip in the near future - this time to Baltimore, for work.  This actually means planning for two trips -my travel back east, and my daughter's travel to Idaho to stay with my family while I am gone.  I'm not exactly amped about this particular trip, but I am VERY excited to spend an evening or two with the lovely Arabella.  And I might even get to snuggle her baby, which you KNOW I'm thrilled about.

Listening to some new musical favorites, found through Spotify's artist radio recommendations. Spotify is, by far, my favorite app these days (well, maybe my 2nd favorite.  It's neck and neck with Instagram.)

Watching Riley decorate our Christmas tree.  She wants to make all the decorations herself this year, and I am not about to argue.  It won't be anything worthy of Martha Stewart or Pinterest, but I can see her little project filling up many hours over the next month.  I am neutral, at best, about the holidays, so I am more than happy to keep it simple for me and entertaining for her.

Sending love, good energy and strength to a couple of friends who are going through particularly rough times right now.  It's hard, sometimes - these paths we choose to walk.  But both of these ladies have offered me love, acceptance and guidance when I most needed it, and what you put out there comes back to you multiplied.  So I'm sending it back their way, along with armfuls of courage and all the bravery they'll need.  Love you.

Grateful for the amazing people, the great experiences and the grand adventure that is my life.  Truly, ya'll - it's pretty marvelous. 

photo by the beautiful and talented Amy Gretchen.  Thanks for capturing this, G.

Sick Days

They say that you can always count on death and taxes. For me, I can also always count on my Girl getting sick, and requiring time off school and work, either immediately before or after a vacation. Never fails- and this time was no exception. We just returned from a week in California, and we are scheduled to Leave for Denver to see friends for thanksgiving early next week. I should've just expected some sort of illness in between the two.

Re-entry

Yesterday, Riley and I returned from a week in the Bay Area with my sister and her family.   We had no major plans for our time there, and it was so nice to just hang out with them.  To just be there.  To make dinner and read bedtime stories.  There were trips to Toys R Us (what's the fun in being an aunt if you can't spoil them?) and afternoons at the park and the zoo, but mostly, we just hung out.  And that kind of downtime, that kind of time with people I quite simply adore - it was just what I needed.  

Back in the game

A couple of months ago, I decided it was time to quit avoiding dating- something I had very purposefully set on a shelve for the spring and summer.  I figured it was time to get back in the game, although after the last couple of weeks, I'm thinking the game changed while I was on hiatus. 

I had a date last week with a guy who was perfect on paper.  Unfortunately, that particular experience left me feeling like he was checking off items on a list, trying to decide whether I met his criteria for long term potential.  It felt like more of a job interview than anything else.  At one point, he even asked if I'd ever consider "relocating" to Provo.  Who says "relocating" other than in context of a professional move? It was really, really odd.  

But I digress.