One of the best things in my life....

is being "Aunt Ame".

Choices

It's Thanksgiving today, and it is the first holiday since Riley was born that I have not had her with me. Although I didn't expect it, this has been very hard on me. I love my little girl more than anything, but I also very much enjoy the time I have to myself when she is with her dad. I expected today to be more of that enjoyment, but instead it has been bittersweet...a day to be grateful for the many good things in my life, while missing the one person for whom I am the most grateful.

Because the weather has been somewhat decent today, I chose to get a little more biking in before the snow hits and this becomes impossible. Doing something physical seems to allow my mind the space needed to work itself through whatever it has been wrestling with, and today was no exception. I started to think about the choices that I've made that led me to a point where I was punishing myself on a cold, unforgiving trail on Thanksgiving day, instead of cozied up in my house, surrounded by the sounds and scents of the holiday, enjoying time with my kiddo and family.

I thought the holidays of past years; savored the memories of those particularly sweet, felt icy tears freeze on my cheeks when remembering a few that still sting. And then, in typical Amy fashion, I started questioning myself. For being lonely without my daughter, for being upset over things that I think shouldn't matter anymore, for not being good enough, for not being grateful enough. And then, thankfully, the authentic voice that I've learned to trust showed up, and over the next two or three miles, reminded me that its ok to miss those we love when they aren't here, that its ok to acknowledge that things are hard, and that I am good enough for whatever I need to be right now. With the comfort of that voice echoing through my thoughts, my mind started thinking again about the choices that led me there, and I decided to let some of this junk go.

We make choices based on what we know about ourselves and those in our lives and the world around us at the time, but it's always based on incomplete information. We can't know what might be around the next corner, or what someone else is really thinking, or how things might change overnight, so we take what we know and roll the dice. We make our choices and we take our chances and we get what we get. Sometimes we are handed the most painful, heart-wrenching experiences we can imagine and sometimes we are handed pure spirit and love wrapped up in a blond haired, blue eyed baby girl.

I thought more about this conclusion as I showered off the mud and slush of the ride, and prepared to meet some of my family for the traditional thanksgiving meal. If I could, would I make any different choices? Would I trade this somewhat lonely holiday for anything different, knowing that might mean a different life, different child, different circumstances?

I put away my helmet and caught sight of her winter coat and mittens. My shoes were set to rest by her singing guitar and favorite doll. I moved a small pink sock off the dining room table and gathered up her assorted sippy cups that are always strewn around the house. And I thought that the choices I made led me up to a life where I'm her mama, where I get the priviledge of finding the other sock and washing the sippy cups, but also teaching her right from wrong and how to read and how to love. I get the effusive hugs in the morning. I get to kiss away the hurts that come with learning to live. I get to hear her babble in her sleep and softly sigh as she begins to wake. For me, there is not other choice.

And for such a life, I am thankful.

Friday again

*Warning, this entire blog may not make sense to everyone, but I'm hoping those it refers to will get it.*


This week, I've been thinking A LOT about the wonderful people in my life. I know I often refer to my great friends and family on Fridays, and I absolutely treasure every single one of them. But today, I want to offer up thanks for a few specific people by remembering some moments that really stick out in my mind.

* Over text message.
me: it's a good idea, but its 11 at night. If we still need it tomorrow, I'll find someone. In the meantime, maybe you can say a prayer for us?
her: Of course we will. We always do.

*One little one- who found me in New Hampshire, who reminded me that I am pretty (even without a hair dryer or makeup for a week) who has a big heart that encompasses anyone who needs it, who is an amazing mama to 4 adorable kidlets, who gives great advice, who revised her rules to include TWO handfuls of marshmallows, who lives only a few miles away. It was great seeing you- so glad we are friends!

*My sista from anotha motha (that doesn't sound as cool for girls). Late night pedis=O ring discussions, drama-drama-drama, TMI and stuff I never thought I wanted to know. Love you, SIL. You rock!

*In person convo, about men in general, and one in particular.
-me: "I don't know. No, I do. No, I don't. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this." (insert dramatic sigh and full body flop on her couch). "Why do I have to do this? WHY?"
-her: "This is a conversation 15 year olds would have."
-me: "I know. I know. I know. Do you mind that?"
-her: "Not at all! I love that!"

*late night phone conversation
-me: "I want a list. I want a list, list, list, list, list. I NEED a list. I need a list, list, list, list, list. I like lists. I do well with lists. I understand lists. "
-her: "Well, there is a list. I can give it to you in spanish. Which you don't understand."
-me: "I want an english list. This will be easier for me if I have an english list."
-her: "You can write as many lists as you want. The Big Guy just might have other items for your list that are not apparent to you right now."
-me: "Dang it. He's always messing with my lists."
-her: "Don't I know it."

I am so grateful for these types of people in my life. What would I do without you guys to remind me how far I've come, talk me off the ledge, and provide your own brand of friendship and love? Thanks. With everything I am and all I'm trying to be....thanks.

He's got Mad Skillz!

My bro-in-law is very talented with Photoshop. He has doctored up a few pics with his gorgeous wife (hey, she improves any photo) and they just crack me up. Thought I'd share...

Iron Chef Becky



And a pic of my very-preggo sister in her movie premiere.



If you read Beck's blog you have probably seen these. Still, who couldn't use a laugh again.

Introducing my new boyfriend....

I don't usually talk about the guys I'm into on my blog, but I'm really excited about this one, so I thought I should give him a shout-out.

He's tall (6'7") athletic (as noted by his profession) and so incredibly HOT! I'm pretty sure he has alot of money, but I haven't hacked his bank account yet, *ahem* I mean, we haven't talked about money yet. It's still too new for that.

Please meet Kyle, my new boyfriend.



Now, Kyle is a little younger than me, but he's incredibly mature, so it's something we can work through. In fact, we often look to Demi and Ashton as our role models for how to make this relationship work, which is really handy since Kyle looks so much like Ashton. I"m including pics of both so you can see the resemblance.


Kyle (my boyfriend)


Ashton (Demi's husband)

I was going to include pics of me and Demi to show you how much we look alike but I didn't want to hurt Demi's feelings or make her feel inferior. I'm really compassionate like that.

Anyway, Kyle is just super and our relationship is getting stronger and stronger. I've seen him twice at the Smiths by my house and once at the Gateway. He waved to me in the car once, too, and I'm certain it was because he thinks I'm hot and not at all because I ran in front of his car so he had to swerve to miss me. And I'm certain he always waves with his middle finger...I think it's something french. He's very sophisticated, my Kyle. I really like that about him.

Anyway, he is really great and we are very happy. I don't get to spend much time with him now, since he's in the middle of his season, but it's great because I can do my own thing. I'm independent like that, which he really likes. But no matter how busy I am, I always cuddle up on his couch wearing his creighton jersey to watch him play ball, and I know he likes that. I make sure to fold his shirt up just like he had it and turn the alarms back on when I leave. I only had to break a window that once, and he was totally understanding. He didn't even give that police detective my name, and I know he has it in his phone. I snuck into his house in the middle of the night to program it for him. That's the kind of girlfriend i am....always thinking of my Kyle and trying to make his life a little easier, but not really needing the thanks. He works so hard, I just want to help.

Well, just wanted to let my blog friends in on my new relationship. I know you guys wish me the best and I'll try to bring him along caroling this holiday season. I have a weekend all picked out and he'll for sure be in town because it's a bye weekend, so just plan on us showing up at your house singing Christmas Carols. He might look a little freaked out, and ask you to call the cops because he's been kidnapped and forced to sing random Christmas songs to people he doesn't know, but he's just kidding. He's funny like that. Also, the handcuffs....they are just a fashion statement.

Gratitude Friday

James and I at the TCU/UU football game .....see what i mean? Old friends are the best!

A reader emailed me this week and asked me if I only think about the things I am grateful for on Fridays. The answer to that question is No, Absolutely not. I try to take the time to notice and be grateful for the many, many, MANY good things in my life on a regular basis. I try to build a regular practice of gratitude into my life by doing small things such as making sure to thank those that serve me (store clerks, waiters, etc.) and by pointing out to my daughter all the good things in our lives (yes, she is probably too young to understand but I want it to be a habit). I take time to think about and offer up thanks for the abundance in my life, and I really believe that because I do notice and I am grateful, more comes to me to be grateful for.

Does that make sense?

So, on that note, the things I am VERY VERY VERY Grateful for this week include:
1. Finally feeling good after several weeks of being sick. Having some energy is a really nice thing.
2. I moved into my new work office and it's very nice. It's pleasant, light, and efficient, plus it is in a nice building, with convenient parking and mountain dew on tap. Really, could work get any better that this?
3. Amazing family and wonderful friends, both old and new, who make me laugh, make good things great, keep me moving forward, and bring out the best in me. Thanks, ya'all. Love you THIS much!
4. A very exciting opportunity at work has presented itself to me, and I'm all over it. I'm so grateful to have the chance to do something that really excites me and makes coming to work so fun (well, fun for me, but I'm kind of a geek)!
5. Finally, I have some time this weekend to myself to "fill up the well". Although I have a lot going on otherwise, I'm looking forward to taking some time to myself to be nice to me. I work hard and I deserve it. And I'm grateful to be in a place where I can recognize the truth of those words.

As always, i recognize the great things in my life and honor them by taking some time to blog about them.

What about you? What are you grateful for?

Letting Go

Closing my eyes, taking a deep breath, and letting go of...

* the idea that I need to know exactly what is going to happen tomorrow, a week from now, a year from now, or ten years from now
* the belief that I have any control over the choices others make
* the worry that I am not enough
* the fear of making another bad choice
* the anxiety that creeps up when I remember it's not just my feelings that are at stake
* the instinct to close down, to protect myself from being hurt again
* the attachment to the outcome