Gratitude Friday

First off, I noticed that I have a few new readers here! YAY! I love getting to know new people and I especially love new blog friends. If you are so inclined, please leave me a little note in the comments and tell me about you. Also, I'd love your to check out your blog, if you have one, so please send that along.

And now, a list of things I am particularly thankful for this week:

~My daughter, as always, is the joy of my life. She hasn't felt well for a while and also had the dreaded ear infection over the last weekend. She's feeling better and is acting so much happier. I'm grateful she is healthy and whole.
~My friend, Molly, who just gave me the best advice ever. She said "We don't make rules for ourselves necessarily to follow them. We make them to make us think about it." This is particularly relevant in dealing with a recent issue, and she totally gets where I am coming from. I am so thankful to have such a wise, kind, caring friend who just gets me.
~And speaking of friends who just get me, I'm so very thankful for my friend and soulmate, Candace, who needs girl time, who believes in energy, who understands the need to shop for fishnets and Orgasm, who has taught me how to heal, who inspires me to work harder for what I want, and who lives for happiness at all costs. I couldn't have made it through a few hard times without her. She also called me "the coolest mormon she has ever met", which I am taking as a HUGE compliment. Love you, girl.
~ I am thankful for "my six month to one year plan". For those who know what I'm talking about...I'm also thankful for your encouragement and enthusiasm.
~I am grateful that it has not snowed much lately. I understand that I live in Utah and most people like the snow, but I do not. I am grateful not to be tortured as much this year. :)
~I am thankful for a full nights sleep, which has left me a little giddy this morning. Who knew that 8 straight could make you feel like a million, even with two ruptured eardrums.

As always, this is just a sneak peek at all the amazing things in my life. So what about you? What are you grateful for?

Love Looks Like This

I'm a writer. I express myself through words.

I've been trying to find the words to express how beautiful these little boys are. How, when their tiny fingers gripped around mine, I felt them grip my heart, as well. How amazing it is to see the personalities already. How giant the spirits are that are housed in the tiny bodies. How beautiful my sister is, and how fully she has come into motherhood. How strong and steady their father is, and how he is such a great example of the type of man they will become.

I can't find all the words I need, and so I offer these photos to show you: This is what LOVE looks like.

Special Edition of Gratitude Friday: TWINNERS!

My little sister had her twins last nights. They made their debut around 9:30 MST (I'm still working on exact times) and are beautiful and perfect, as you can see from the pics below. My sister, who is tiny and delicate, carried them to 38 weeks, delivered them without a c-section, and they were GINORMOUS for twins.

Please meet Bamboo (aka Baby A). Just a nickname until the real names are sorted out.

Bamboo was 7 lbs. 11 oz. and was 20 inches long. He had a little trouble with his O2 sats but is doing ok and will spend a little time in the NICU. He looks JUST LIKE JOEY!

Next, here is Twig (Baby B).

He's a trooper and a feisty little guy. I heard him yelling on the phone last night and that kid has a set of lungs! He was 7 lbs. 8 oz and is also 20 inches long. He looks JUST LIKE JOEY! (of course, they are identical twins, so this isn't a big shock to anyone.)

Becky is truly the Superhero in all of this! She's earned her place in the Rockstar Mom Hall of Fame, as far as I am concerned!

I'll keep everyone posted. I'm so happy they are here and so grateful that all was ok, and so excited to meet my Nephews! Love you, Becky, Joey, Bamboo and Twig!

Sixteen things

I've been tagged on this about 12 times, so here goes. 16 things about me:

1. I hate it to be totally dark when my daughter is home. When she isn't, I love and crave the complete dark. I blame this on a really terrible night I experienced when she was just a few days old.
2. The am actively working on two books, but have notes and chapters on about 14 others.
3. I fully intend to support myself and my daughter by writing full time within the next 10 years.
4. I have cable specifically for Discovery Channel, Nova, ESPN and TLC. Otherwise, I could not care less about TV and would get rid of it.
5. I am a great public speaker, and big crowds don't worry me in the slightest if that's why I am in one. Socially, however, I prefer smallish gatherings, where I can talk to people and get to know them.
6. I need PLENTY of alone time. More than the average person, I'd say.
7. My daughter and I share the same birthday. I was not willing to put off my c-section by 45 minutes so she could have her own. I am that big of a wimp.
8. I am very proud of my military service, yet I abhor violence, and refuse to watch it.
9. I could happily be the eternal student and I plan to go to school, in some form or another, for my entire life.
10. I have a great sense of humor, and can be really funny with most people, but I only get super-silly with those I love and trust.
11. I am just barely beginning to understand how big my heart is and how much love I have to spread around.
12. I am not easily scared or easily intimidated, but characters that come out of a play or performance and down into the audience - well, that scares the hell out of me.
13. I have a GINORMOUS family, which is awesome, and I especially enjoy how my siblings and I relate to each other now that we are all adults.
14. Even though my sister lives several states away, I consider my day incomplete if I haven't talked or texted her at least 10 times. I am not kidding at all here.
15. I didn't realize I was a pretty good cook until fairly recently.
16. Even though I am not a good swimmer, I feel calm and peaceful and complete around water, especially the Pacific Ocean.

Grateful for Inspiration

This new year has already tossed a few tough weeks at me. After the' buzz' of the holidays and the 'busy-ness' of getting back in the swing of things, I started to experience the 'blahs' of January. My writing wasn't going as well as I had hoped, there was some 'weirdness' in a couple of relationships I needed to deal with, and the nasty winter inversion that had settled upon my normally gorgeous mountain home was making me feel tired and, well, kind of icky (for lack of a better word).

I needed to do something about this state of affairs, and fast. So I decided to look for things that would help pull me out of this funk...actively look for, or perhaps more importantly, NOTICE the beauty and the creativity and the humor of the world around me. Basically, I began looking for inspiration.

And, boy, did I find it. Just some of the many things I'm feeling inspired by lately:

*May Sarton's Journals - so much truth and beauty and substance. I love the flow and rhythm of her words.
*Poetry, Poetry, Poetry - I have been getting lost in the lines of new loves (Pablo Neruda, Mary Oliver, Kay Ryan, Rumi) and old favorites (ee cummings, Keats, Byron, Dickinson, even Shel Silverstein).
*My sister's relationship with her husband - I tell them this all the time, but they truly make me believe there is a perfect match for everyone. They are both so different but they blend into something so much bigger and stronger than the two of them separately. It inspires me.
*The color blue- in all shades. I can't seem to get enough of it. I want to paint my entire house in different shades of it.
*New clothes - I really needed a wardrobe update and the new stuff I got just sings to me...pencil skirts, denim skirts, bright tops, thick belts. All of it is fun and feminine and a little bit sexy and I'm having so much fun with it!
*Vintage clothes- I've also spent a little time haunting my favorite vintage store and picked up a few "new to me" things to liven things up a little - black leather jacket that just works for me, brooches with colored stones, a funky bag that i can't wait to use. I am loving mixing the old and the new and playing with my personal style.
*Inauguration Celebrations - The Inauguration of President Obama was simply amazing. There was so much joy and hope evident in all the ceremonies and festivities. I believe he has an incredibly tough job and is the best thing for this country right now. Also, I really have enjoyed watching his wife. Our new first lady is elegant but approachable and seems intelligent and down to earth. I'm so excited for this chapter in our history. It's been a long time coming.

There's a lot more on this list, but needless to say, I found what i was looking for. I found truth and beauty and creativity and INSPIRATION.

For these things, I am grateful.

Re-evaluating

Since forever, I've had a mug that had a quote from Thoreau (a personal favorite of mine) that says:

"Move confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."

Like I said, I've had this mug forever (I think I got it as a high school graduation gift) and it has accompanied me to college, through my military service, to graduate school, to the first day of my first 'real job', and now it sits on my desk at work. I use it for my tea every day, so I read these words EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Well, this past week, they clicked in. And I started asking myself "am I doing that? Am I moving confidently in the direction of my dreams? Do I even know what those dreams are, for sure? Am I living a life I imagined? What do I imagine? How would my life be if I could imagine the absolute perfect life for me? Does it look anything like the life I live now?"

See, here's the thing...Dreams change. So living the life you imagine has to change too....

The starry eyed 17 year old who drove her mustang off to the big, exciting world of Logan, Utah, never pictured her life would end up here. She was getting a degree so that she could support her family on the 'off' chance her doctor/lawyer/college professor husband was in a terrible tragic accident while he was on a medical expedition with Doctor's without Border's and couldn't make it home for 6 months to one year. Sure, she loved to learn and was pretty smart, but the bigger picture was about being a wife and mother and keeping the maids on task in the 6 bedroom, 5 bathroom house with a pool and a zen garden.

Well, 14 years later, I have an advanced degree and I'm living in a slightly bigger city, in a much smaller than imagined condo. I am divorced, I have a beautiful child that I am raising alone, and I work every single day to provide for that life. The marriage I did have didn't work out so well, so i had to throw that dream away to start on a new one. But here's the thing...that girl who though she was pretty smart....well, it turned out that she was an incredibly intelligent woman who can make things happen for her and her world, who can take care of herself and her child, who can find a little bit more within herself to be a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister, and accomplish a few of the new goals she sets for herself.

I'm living a dream, all right. Just not the dream I started out with.

Still, this type of self-exploration doesn't really allow for settling for what is, and I'm glad that it doesn't. I don't want to be the type of person who settles for how things are, because it's easier and safer and quieter. If I'm not dreaming of bold dreams for myself, who the heck will? I've never been one to take the easy way, and I don't want my daughter to see me as this type of example. I want her to have a mother who dreams big, works hard, and then dances in the life she created for herself. I want her to have a mother who lives authentically, loves with her entire heart, and embraces the opportunities for growth and adventure that come her way. So the question I keep asking myself is "am I doing this? and if not, what do I need to do to become this person?"

So, I'm re-evaluating. Do I have the right job for this life? Do I live in the right place for this life I'm imagining? Do my actions reflect my priorities? Do my friend and those I spend time with enhance these goals? Do I speak my truth, whatever that is, no matter how hard it might be? Do I live with purpose and gratitude and compassion? Do my family and friends know how much I love them? Does my daughter know how much I love her? Are the expectations I put on my life and myself reasonable, or am I setting myself up for disappointment?

The list could go on and on, but basically, it boils down to "Am I moving confidently in the direction of my dreams? Am i living the life I imagine?"

It's funny how things come full circle.

Gratitude Friday

Today, I'm savoring the little things.


*The smell of coffee at work. I don't even drink it, but I love the smell.
*Dangly earrings.
*A couple of days to myself-to reflect, recharge and reconnect.
*New books piled up by my bed - looking forward to losing myself in their pages.
*Slipping into soft, silky, lavender-scented sheets.
*Gold shoes at work - a fun touch of 'bling' for an otherwise serious outfit.
*New red lipstick that I can totally pull off. Sexy AND classy- at least, that's what 'he' said.
*Chocolate cake for breakfast - starting the day off right.
*An awesome new playlist for the gym- courtesy of a sweet friend.
* Rediscovering old friends on Facebook - so fun to see faces from the past.
*Pulling on my favorite skinny jeans - and realizing they are too big!
* Seeing dear friends in the most random places.
* A note left in my car months ago- just discovered today.
* The many happy new years messages i received yesterday. I am saving them all in the permanent file.
* a new journal to start the new year - blank pages waiting to be filled up as the year unfolds itself.
* Anticipating watching the team I supported all season play in their Bowl game - it's so uplifting to watch others realize their dreams.

For these things, the little things that make life so sweet, I am grateful.