July 12of12

1. Unfortunately, this was breakfast. Some days are like that.
2. Self-portraits before work. Riley wanted in on the action.
3. I'm growing herbs on my windowsill. This container has basil, chives and parsley.
4. I had a whole bunch of grocery shopping to do.
5. These were Riley's two options for footwear. Luckily, I talked her out of the flippers and into the pink crocs.
6. View from my work chair at about 2:00 pm. It's a glamorous life I lead.
7. I worked on my bike a bit - cleaned it up, cleaned and lubed the chain, tightened a few things.
8. Dinner was a veggie-egg white scramble (with avocados - yum), peaches, and whole-grain toast.
9. Getting ready to start my run/swim workout. Not a great picture, but you get the idea.
10. Riley wore these glasses all evening. I have no idea why.
11. It was a magazine kind of day. I spent some time in all four of these.
12. Just more evidence that I'm a dork, and my girl is, too.

All in all, a great weekend.

My newest niece, Karlee Ann, made her debut on Friday afternoon (Yes, she's gorgeous and I'm madly in love with her). Riley and I spent the weekend in Idaho, helping out with the other girls, soaking in some quality family time, and enjoying the simple things with my sweet, silly, sassy, super-cute nieces.



There was some sprinkler running (wearing her "boo-tini")

And some s'more making.


And some porch sitting.

And some MAJOR giggling.

And lots of dancing.

And a little bit of grass rolling.

And a bit of piano playing.
It all added up to a whole lot of good times.

The Middle Space

Although I've been quiet on this topic until now, I've decided that it's time to write about what's happening in my personal life. I've received so many emails, so much heartfelt concern and love, and I am so appreciative of the warmth and kindness that has been extended to me. Many people have reached out to see how I am, and your words have meant so much. You can't know how much it fills me to have others take time to reach out when I am struggling. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I guess the easiest way to say this is just to say it. I'm no longer planning on getting married. Because the story doesn't belong solely to me, and because I'm still working my way through the many dynamics and complexities, I won't go into the details here. Instead, I will say that this is one of the hardest decision I've ever had to make, but I know it's the best thing for me right now. I will also say that I harbor no ill will or hard feelings. Truthfully, the man I had planned to share my life with is one of the most lovely and enjoyable men i have ever had the privilege to know. I wish him every happiness and hope that you all will send light and love his way, as you have mine.

I've found that when plans change drastically, when you set aside one set of dreams, there is always a bit of a lag time before you pick up the next set and start back on your way. This is the place where you shift from making plans for and with another and making them for and with only yourself, the place where you decide which parts of your life look great and which parts could use some polishing. It's the place where you paint your walls just because you are craving a change of scenery, where you write letters no one will ever read, where you bake bread in the middle of the night to make the long hours pass productively, and where you manage the storm of emotions that sneak up on you and catch you unaware. It's the place where you begin to seek health and balance and clarity and it's the place where, one day, you finally will find the space to breathe and hope and wish again. This place - it's simply the middle space.

Right now, I am thoroughly engulfed in the middle space.

Henry David Thoreau famously said: "Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each." I'm trying to remember this principle in relation to living in the middle space. It's in my nature to want to hurry things along, to get to the next milestone or reach the next goal, to push through regardless of pain or fatique. And while this tendency serves me well in some areas of my life, I know that being patient with my progress through the middle space is important. I've been here before, and each time I have found that taking my time, and taking advantage of the opportunities for reflection and revision, sets me up for graduating as a healthier, happier person with a clearer vision of where I am going and how I want my life to look. I'm trying to be gentle with myself, embrace the lessons as they come, and enjoy this gift of space and the freedom to do things differently and grow more fully into myself. I'm learning to enjoy the middle space.

Jumping in here....

Riley practicing her "two foot jump"
Since Riley was born, I have kept a blog about her, so people who weren't interested in reading about me could still see photos of her and watch her grow up. Well, it turns out that almost everyone who reads her blog also reads this blog. Didn't expect that...

In the interest of simplifying my world a little bit, and because telling my story without her is incomplete, I am combining the two in this space. My regular readers will start to see a bit more of my little girl, but I don't think anyone will complain. She's pretty darn spectacular.

I'm leaving her blog up so the archives are available. You can see them here.

Where I am

I've been spending quite a bit of time over the last little while really considering where I am at and where I want to be. There are so many things I enjoy about my life, so much that I truly love, and the impulse is to just keep to the status quo and not change anything for fear of taking a step backwards or gambling on something that proves not to be worth the risk. Still, I know that growth demands change and movement, and stagnation breeds discontent (for me, at least), so I'm thinking that it's time to make some changes and put myself in the position to stretch and grow.

The questions is...what do I want to change? What makes the most sense and feels the best at this stage of the game?

I've been taking inventory of what kind of changes might be a good thing for me and for Riley. Changing jobs? New house? Moving to a different city, which would mean changing jobs and buying a new house? New people in my life? Different relationships with the old? Go back to school and finish my PhD? So much to consider and so many options, all with their own pros and cons.

When I get in this type of self-reflective mode, I have a specific journal I write in, where I've recorded these types of feelings as they've come up, and how they sorted themselves out. It's also where I keep things that help me to begin this process and delve a bit deeper into the core of authenticity that can be difficult to access at times.

I'm not ready to share much from that journal online yet, but there is one poem I come back to frequently. It speaks to me on several levels and has given me courage and strength through some really hard times. I thought that tonight, I'd share it here in case any of my readers need this kind of literary inspiration. It's a fairly well-known poem, and I may have posted it years ago, but it's one of my favorites and it's really ringing true for me tonight.

The Journey
by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice–
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do–
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Gratitude Friday

Today, I am simply grateful that yesterday is over and that I woke up this morning with a different perspective, a renewed faith in the choices I am making, and vision that is no longer clouded by disappointment.

I am also grateful for these photostrips on my email and for the girlfriend who sent them to me.

Disappointments

Does this sound familiar?

Things are going along, mostly ok, but then you have a rough day or two. And instead of dealing with the lingering emotions of those days, you push them down, pile a few other things on top of them to keep the old emotions in place, and keep going on. But then, a few problems crop up with the new things that you piled on to distract you from the old things, and instead of all of them solving themselves and magically disappearing (like you really hoped they would), they all start to flare up at once. Which you should have expected but you didn't think it would really happen. So you ignore it, or re-name it so you don't have to acknowledge it and you keep plugging along. Because you are a survivor, after all. You do what it takes to keep moving ahead. You are strong. Never stop. Never admit that you wish you had done something differently. You find a shiny new project to keep you busy, or challenge yourself to do something you didn't think you could do, but no matter what, you keep moving.

Because as long as you are moving, the disappointment can't catch up with you.

And sometimes you wish you could just stop.
And stay still.
And wait for the answers to come.
And wait for the wounds to heal.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm dealing with some really big disappointments right now, and I'm really trying to be honest about them, to feel them completely so I can resolve them completely. I'm doing my best to stay present and am fighting the battle against finding something to distract myself, because I know that being honest and present is the only way to move forward, to let go, and to move on.

So for now, for today, I am steeped in disappointments.

**edited to add: at 11:15 tonight, i found out the Lillith Fair concert i was so excited about has been canceled. It seems only fitting that this happened today, and I'm sort of glad it did, because I am determined to have a better day tomorrow and this just caps off today PERFECTLY.