Special Edition of Gratitude Friday: TWINNERS!

My little sister had her twins last nights. They made their debut around 9:30 MST (I'm still working on exact times) and are beautiful and perfect, as you can see from the pics below. My sister, who is tiny and delicate, carried them to 38 weeks, delivered them without a c-section, and they were GINORMOUS for twins.

Please meet Bamboo (aka Baby A). Just a nickname until the real names are sorted out.

Bamboo was 7 lbs. 11 oz. and was 20 inches long. He had a little trouble with his O2 sats but is doing ok and will spend a little time in the NICU. He looks JUST LIKE JOEY!

Next, here is Twig (Baby B).

He's a trooper and a feisty little guy. I heard him yelling on the phone last night and that kid has a set of lungs! He was 7 lbs. 8 oz and is also 20 inches long. He looks JUST LIKE JOEY! (of course, they are identical twins, so this isn't a big shock to anyone.)

Becky is truly the Superhero in all of this! She's earned her place in the Rockstar Mom Hall of Fame, as far as I am concerned!

I'll keep everyone posted. I'm so happy they are here and so grateful that all was ok, and so excited to meet my Nephews! Love you, Becky, Joey, Bamboo and Twig!

Sixteen things

I've been tagged on this about 12 times, so here goes. 16 things about me:

1. I hate it to be totally dark when my daughter is home. When she isn't, I love and crave the complete dark. I blame this on a really terrible night I experienced when she was just a few days old.
2. The am actively working on two books, but have notes and chapters on about 14 others.
3. I fully intend to support myself and my daughter by writing full time within the next 10 years.
4. I have cable specifically for Discovery Channel, Nova, ESPN and TLC. Otherwise, I could not care less about TV and would get rid of it.
5. I am a great public speaker, and big crowds don't worry me in the slightest if that's why I am in one. Socially, however, I prefer smallish gatherings, where I can talk to people and get to know them.
6. I need PLENTY of alone time. More than the average person, I'd say.
7. My daughter and I share the same birthday. I was not willing to put off my c-section by 45 minutes so she could have her own. I am that big of a wimp.
8. I am very proud of my military service, yet I abhor violence, and refuse to watch it.
9. I could happily be the eternal student and I plan to go to school, in some form or another, for my entire life.
10. I have a great sense of humor, and can be really funny with most people, but I only get super-silly with those I love and trust.
11. I am just barely beginning to understand how big my heart is and how much love I have to spread around.
12. I am not easily scared or easily intimidated, but characters that come out of a play or performance and down into the audience - well, that scares the hell out of me.
13. I have a GINORMOUS family, which is awesome, and I especially enjoy how my siblings and I relate to each other now that we are all adults.
14. Even though my sister lives several states away, I consider my day incomplete if I haven't talked or texted her at least 10 times. I am not kidding at all here.
15. I didn't realize I was a pretty good cook until fairly recently.
16. Even though I am not a good swimmer, I feel calm and peaceful and complete around water, especially the Pacific Ocean.

Grateful for Inspiration

This new year has already tossed a few tough weeks at me. After the' buzz' of the holidays and the 'busy-ness' of getting back in the swing of things, I started to experience the 'blahs' of January. My writing wasn't going as well as I had hoped, there was some 'weirdness' in a couple of relationships I needed to deal with, and the nasty winter inversion that had settled upon my normally gorgeous mountain home was making me feel tired and, well, kind of icky (for lack of a better word).

I needed to do something about this state of affairs, and fast. So I decided to look for things that would help pull me out of this funk...actively look for, or perhaps more importantly, NOTICE the beauty and the creativity and the humor of the world around me. Basically, I began looking for inspiration.

And, boy, did I find it. Just some of the many things I'm feeling inspired by lately:

*May Sarton's Journals - so much truth and beauty and substance. I love the flow and rhythm of her words.
*Poetry, Poetry, Poetry - I have been getting lost in the lines of new loves (Pablo Neruda, Mary Oliver, Kay Ryan, Rumi) and old favorites (ee cummings, Keats, Byron, Dickinson, even Shel Silverstein).
*My sister's relationship with her husband - I tell them this all the time, but they truly make me believe there is a perfect match for everyone. They are both so different but they blend into something so much bigger and stronger than the two of them separately. It inspires me.
*The color blue- in all shades. I can't seem to get enough of it. I want to paint my entire house in different shades of it.
*New clothes - I really needed a wardrobe update and the new stuff I got just sings to me...pencil skirts, denim skirts, bright tops, thick belts. All of it is fun and feminine and a little bit sexy and I'm having so much fun with it!
*Vintage clothes- I've also spent a little time haunting my favorite vintage store and picked up a few "new to me" things to liven things up a little - black leather jacket that just works for me, brooches with colored stones, a funky bag that i can't wait to use. I am loving mixing the old and the new and playing with my personal style.
*Inauguration Celebrations - The Inauguration of President Obama was simply amazing. There was so much joy and hope evident in all the ceremonies and festivities. I believe he has an incredibly tough job and is the best thing for this country right now. Also, I really have enjoyed watching his wife. Our new first lady is elegant but approachable and seems intelligent and down to earth. I'm so excited for this chapter in our history. It's been a long time coming.

There's a lot more on this list, but needless to say, I found what i was looking for. I found truth and beauty and creativity and INSPIRATION.

For these things, I am grateful.

Re-evaluating

Since forever, I've had a mug that had a quote from Thoreau (a personal favorite of mine) that says:

"Move confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."

Like I said, I've had this mug forever (I think I got it as a high school graduation gift) and it has accompanied me to college, through my military service, to graduate school, to the first day of my first 'real job', and now it sits on my desk at work. I use it for my tea every day, so I read these words EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Well, this past week, they clicked in. And I started asking myself "am I doing that? Am I moving confidently in the direction of my dreams? Do I even know what those dreams are, for sure? Am I living a life I imagined? What do I imagine? How would my life be if I could imagine the absolute perfect life for me? Does it look anything like the life I live now?"

See, here's the thing...Dreams change. So living the life you imagine has to change too....

The starry eyed 17 year old who drove her mustang off to the big, exciting world of Logan, Utah, never pictured her life would end up here. She was getting a degree so that she could support her family on the 'off' chance her doctor/lawyer/college professor husband was in a terrible tragic accident while he was on a medical expedition with Doctor's without Border's and couldn't make it home for 6 months to one year. Sure, she loved to learn and was pretty smart, but the bigger picture was about being a wife and mother and keeping the maids on task in the 6 bedroom, 5 bathroom house with a pool and a zen garden.

Well, 14 years later, I have an advanced degree and I'm living in a slightly bigger city, in a much smaller than imagined condo. I am divorced, I have a beautiful child that I am raising alone, and I work every single day to provide for that life. The marriage I did have didn't work out so well, so i had to throw that dream away to start on a new one. But here's the thing...that girl who though she was pretty smart....well, it turned out that she was an incredibly intelligent woman who can make things happen for her and her world, who can take care of herself and her child, who can find a little bit more within herself to be a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister, and accomplish a few of the new goals she sets for herself.

I'm living a dream, all right. Just not the dream I started out with.

Still, this type of self-exploration doesn't really allow for settling for what is, and I'm glad that it doesn't. I don't want to be the type of person who settles for how things are, because it's easier and safer and quieter. If I'm not dreaming of bold dreams for myself, who the heck will? I've never been one to take the easy way, and I don't want my daughter to see me as this type of example. I want her to have a mother who dreams big, works hard, and then dances in the life she created for herself. I want her to have a mother who lives authentically, loves with her entire heart, and embraces the opportunities for growth and adventure that come her way. So the question I keep asking myself is "am I doing this? and if not, what do I need to do to become this person?"

So, I'm re-evaluating. Do I have the right job for this life? Do I live in the right place for this life I'm imagining? Do my actions reflect my priorities? Do my friend and those I spend time with enhance these goals? Do I speak my truth, whatever that is, no matter how hard it might be? Do I live with purpose and gratitude and compassion? Do my family and friends know how much I love them? Does my daughter know how much I love her? Are the expectations I put on my life and myself reasonable, or am I setting myself up for disappointment?

The list could go on and on, but basically, it boils down to "Am I moving confidently in the direction of my dreams? Am i living the life I imagine?"

It's funny how things come full circle.

Gratitude Friday

Today, I'm savoring the little things.


*The smell of coffee at work. I don't even drink it, but I love the smell.
*Dangly earrings.
*A couple of days to myself-to reflect, recharge and reconnect.
*New books piled up by my bed - looking forward to losing myself in their pages.
*Slipping into soft, silky, lavender-scented sheets.
*Gold shoes at work - a fun touch of 'bling' for an otherwise serious outfit.
*New red lipstick that I can totally pull off. Sexy AND classy- at least, that's what 'he' said.
*Chocolate cake for breakfast - starting the day off right.
*An awesome new playlist for the gym- courtesy of a sweet friend.
* Rediscovering old friends on Facebook - so fun to see faces from the past.
*Pulling on my favorite skinny jeans - and realizing they are too big!
* Seeing dear friends in the most random places.
* A note left in my car months ago- just discovered today.
* The many happy new years messages i received yesterday. I am saving them all in the permanent file.
* a new journal to start the new year - blank pages waiting to be filled up as the year unfolds itself.
* Anticipating watching the team I supported all season play in their Bowl game - it's so uplifting to watch others realize their dreams.

For these things, the little things that make life so sweet, I am grateful.

2008: the highlights

As the year comes to a close, I am feeling a little bit torn.

One the one hand, I'm happy to have it behind me. It was a year of hard lessons, tough truths, and many nights that ended in exhaustion and tears. It seems like each of the 365 days contained it's own brand of teaching, and many of these lessons were planned in the school of hard knocks. Often, I felt knocked around, seemingly out of faith, cold, tired, and occasionally broken.

On the other hand, it was a wonderful, beautiful year - a year of joy, a year of self-discovery, a year crammed full of love and light . Often, after the day day delivered hard hitting, fist pounding lesson, it kissed away the hurt with small slices of pure love- my baby calling me "mama" and smiling her scrunched up, sunny grin, my wonderful friends who always know the right things to say, the steady and stalwart support of my family.

So I'll accept and acknowledge that 2008 brought both ends of the spectrum, the good and the bad, and I'll offer thanks for both. For the strength, confidence and wisdom that I gained by making my way through the hard times, and the love, light and laughter that adds sparkle to my days. For all of this, and more, I am thankful.

Still, when you reflect on a whole year, some things stick out as the high points, and this is certainly true for me when i reflect on 2008. I thought I'd share some of the best parts of my 2008.

*My divorce - I'm certainly not saying that getting divorced is something that is a highlight of my life, or anything I want to repeat, but I know that it was a good thing for me and very necessary in letting me make some important life changes. Having the legal proceedings finalized allowed me to take steps to move on, both physically, emotionally, and financially, and I will forever be grateful for the signatures on the papers that allowed me that freedom. This isn't to say that I regret being married, because nothing could be further from the truth. I learned a lot, loved a lot and treasure the good parts of my marriage. I walked away with the two greatest gifts I could have been given - a beautiful daughter and the peace of knowing that I did the best I could and had been guided to exactly the place I needed to be in. And now I am given the chance to learn about moving on, forgiveness, and handling difficult situations with grace and compassion. It was a hard blow to me at the time, and there are memories of it that still sting, but being divorced is definitely one of the best things to come out of 2008.

* Traveling to the Bay Area (several times) to see two of my favorite people in the world, a week at the beach in San Diego spent with my mom, sister and daughter, a week in the New Hampshire woods in pursuit of creativity and finding many kindred souls from all over (some as close as my own backyard), a few trips here and there for work...all of these trips healed pieces and parts of my soul and gave me a chance to rejuvenate and refresh. So very needed, each and every one.

*The time I've spent writing this year will forever be one of my highlights of 2008. Besides the promise of seeing my work in print, I am compiling a body of work that I can give to Riley, and hopefully one day she can read it and understand more fully who I am. I want her to know me, the me I am right now, the me that she won't remember but is helping to shape her into the person she will become. I want her to know that while I wasn't perfect, that I stumbled on this weird, twisty path of motherhood, that I love her completely and fully and that I cherish the chance I have to be her mom. 2008 is my first full year of Riley and I am so glad I took the time to write about it - both for her and for me.

* Another amazing thing that emerged in 2008 is the many new friendships i've found. When I take a minute and think of all the new people in my life that weren't there even a year ago, it almost makes me dizzy. I have been blessed with so many new friends- some who came from my creative pursuits, some who showed up through work and other obligations. Attending church more regularly has given me connections with those in my ward. Being back in the dating world has given me a chance to meet new people and through them, more new people. My circle of friends has widened drastically, and Lucky Me- I get to cherish my old friends and enjoy the new. What could be better?

Yes, 2008 was a year of ups and downs, of hard times and good times. But as the last few hours count down, I realize that I am very, very grateful for it.

For the hard times that taught me patience and persistence, for the good times that reminded me to laugh and enjoy. For the family who stands behind me no matter what, for the friends who are always there, no questions asked. For first steps and first words, for first dates and first kisses. For the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. For letting go of the things that hold us back and filling up the well with love and and light and happiness. For faith, and grace, and hope and truth. For all of these things that 2008 brought, I am grateful.

Gratitude Friday

So I started writing today's post last night, and the things that are one my mind, the things for which I am very grateful, are many and varied. As often happens with my writing, one thing triggered another, which triggered something else, and I ended up writing a piece on an event of some significance that is very appropriate for Gratitude Friday.

Here's the thing...It's not really something I want online at this point in time. I would, however, really love some feedback and thoughts on it, especially from my blog-readers. So, if you are interested in reading this and letting me know what you think, please leave a comment here (or email me directly) and i'll send you the piece via email.

And, no....i am not engaged or pregnant. Just so we clarify that right now.

Hope to hear from you soon!