Writing my own love story

The cookie he made for me.

Playing with the bugness.

Not so long ago, I was shocked (to say the least) when a man who is truly more perfect for me than I have any right to expect or deserve asked me to marry him.

I thought he was kidding. He wasn't.
I thought he was just swept away by his own spontaneity. Turns out, he had been planning it for a while.
I thought he'd come to his senses before I had a chance to accept. He didn't.

And now I have the honor and excitement of sharing a life with someone who is, simply put, one of the most amazing men I have ever known. He's honest. He's kind. He's giving. He's genuine. He's open-minded and accepting. He knows who he is. He's a wonderful father to four adorable boys. He loves Riley and is really good with her (even when I want to leave her in Home Depot for the night). He's in possession of a strong work ethic and is responsible and grounded. He's exactly what I want for myself and then some, because he's hilarious and easy to be around and, may I just say, beyond gorgeous (seriously...I still get a little jittery when I first see him after a few days).

To say I am happy is an understatement.
To say I am overwhelmed is downplaying it.
To say I have no idea what the hell I'm doing but I'm jumping in with both feet, letting it wash over me and seeing what comes up....that's just about right.

There are still a lot of details to work out, a lot of things to work through, and a lot of bridges to cross. But having someone to take your hand and work with you through all those details and walk with you across those bridges...it's pretty much the best feeling there is.

Randomness

*My cell phone drowned this morning. Resuscitation efforts failed. I am trying to be upset by it, but my first thought was "YES! No one can bug me!", which is a pretty telling statement. I think it might be time to break the crackberry addiction and downgrade to a phone that allows me to talk and text. That's really all I need and being the idea of being "unplugged" is really appealing to me.

*I had my girls over last night for girl talk, pedicures, yummy food and some serious soul filling. It's amazing how, even after a late night, I feel more energetic, refreshed and whole afterward.

*My first triathlon of the season is less than two month away. I'm excited to be back in the swing of things, but am a little bit (ok, a whole lot) nervous. I really need to step up my training to be where I want to be. Brick training, anyone?

*I'm jonesing for a new mountain bike the same way I was jonesing for a roadie at this time last year. I'm not sure why, but the mountains are calling to me this spring. I'm pretty amped about doing some trail running in the next few days, too. The muddier, the better, in my opinion and i can't wait to get out.

*My daughter is, quite possibly, the cutest little person on the planet. I mean, seriously...how can you not agree? This is her 'school' photo from her daycare. I have it on my desk at work because it makes me grin whenever I see it.


*I need a california/see my sister trip. Soon.

*I haven't written a poem every day in March, but pretty close. I'm feeling ok with pretty close.

*I love spring.

*I also love cupcakes.

March 12of12

1. Dropping Riley off at daycare.
2. These are my current favorite earrings. My friend Candace made them and they remind me of the ocean.
3. James' arm, James' beer.
4. Her smile just melts me.
5. View of my work computer, as seen through my shoes. Kicking back and catching up on some reading.
6. Lunch at Desert Edge - good times, good conversations. It gave me lots to think about.
7. Winding up a workday with the girls and the kids.
8. Parent committee meeting at Riley's daycare.
9. Calamari from Porcupine Grill.
10. The cutest little guy on the planet and Riley's boyfriend, Arlo.
11. The five books I spent some time in (Gives you an insight into what's on my mind):

• Thirst, by Mary Oliver
• The Happiness Project
• Writing Down to the Bones
• Step Families
• Total Immersion

12. Can't help but smile when in the presence of one of my favorite people, Candace.

On Worthiness

An author and researcher I greatly admire, Brene Brown, is blogging this week about worthiness, in honor of her new lecture that has just been released on DVD. Reading some of the blog postings that this has sparked, and having just finished Brene's book (which is excellent - go read it NOW!), I felt compelled to share some of my thoughts on "worthiness".

I don't usually blog about my religion in specifics, mostly because I believe that your relationship with the Divine and how you choose to nurture your spirit is very personal and will be different for everybody. I don't believe in a 'one size fits all' approach to spirituality and I work really hard to stay in tune with what works for me and let others do their own thing. What works for me might not work for you, and I think that's just fine. Better than fine, it's great! This type of diversity is part of what makes life interesting and gives us all a chance to stretch and grown.

Growing up LDS, "worthiness" is a concept that is introduced early on. The best way I can describe it, your "worthiness" is equivalent to living your life within the guidelines of 'righteous living' as set forth by church leadership. You have to be judged "worthy" to receive certain ordinances and these ordinances become more complex as you grow older and are better able to understand the church teachings. As such, the level of "worthiness" that is necessary to continue advancing becomes increasingly complex as you get older and more is expected. Essentially, you are judged by someone in authority as to whether you are "worthy" of taking part in these ordinances.

I don't have a problem with this system, per se, but i think it gets distorted very easily. Because every member of the LDS church knows what it means to be "worthy" of baptism or "worthy" of temple marriage or "worthy" to serve in a church calling, this mindset of "worthiness" can be used as a stone to cast at those who may not appear to be living within church guidelines. More times than I can count, I've heard statements like "he's not worthy to x, y or z (fill in any religious expectation here)" implying that there is something wrong with that person. And usually, at the heart of the matter, the person in question is just doing their best and trying to get through life with some semblance of sanity. It can also be used as a way to beat ourselves up, or tell ourselves there is something wrong with us because we aren't 'worthy' of x, y or z, (again, fill in any religious expectation here). I know that this is not how the concept of 'worthiness' according to my religion is supposed to be used, it's not how it was meant, but nevertheless, IT IS how it is used and what IT HAS become. I believe this is because the LDS church, like any church, is made up of people and people are imperfect, so things are going to get distorted some. Still, when that's your experience and the experience of so many others you know, that becomes it's own sort of truth.

In my experience, those in my religion who are in the position to judge "worthiness" do so in a very loving, very kind manner, taking into account situations that may not be outwardly evident to the general public and trying to learn the heart of those they are serving. Those who take it upon themselves, without any authority, to judge the "worthiness" of others do it in misplaced, gossipy fashion and are severely out of line. This isn't done out of love or concern, it's done out of judgment and often, in my opinion, out of a need to feel better about their lives by tearing others down.

I'd prefer the word "worthiness" to be taken out of my church vocabulary altogether, but since I'm not someone who gets to make these decisions, I'm going to use my own definition of 'worthy' in teaching my daughter and applying it to myself. Websters defines 'worthy' as "having worth or merit or value". I like this definition the best because with this definition we are all on an even playing field. We all have worth and merit and value. We are all 'worthy'.

We are all 'worthy' of love. We are all 'worthy' of being treated well and respected for who we are. We are all 'worthy' of nurturing our spirit, however that works best for us. We are all 'worthy' of having the freedom to make our own choices and live our lives without fear or judgment or being the center of our family or friend's drama and gossip. We are all 'worthy' of acceptance. We are all 'worthy' of feeling good about who we are and what we bring to the world. We are all 'worthy' of joy. We are all 'Worthy'.

So how about we leave the judgement and the labels and the expectations out of the picture and teach our children (and ourselves) that everyone is 'worthy'?

Right now. Right here. Just as we are.

We are all 'Worthy'.


**Please note that the opinions here are mine. I've represented my feelings and views and although I tried to represent the teachings of the LDS church accurately, I may not have done so.

Just whatever ...

I want to go here soon!

Following Becky's lead, some random thoughts for a random night.

**I'm not drinking soda anymore. Anyone who knows me knows this is going to be difficult, but I can do it. Andrea might be on permanent standby for the next few days, so those of you close to me: Fair Warning! My sister and I are doing it together, and we are going to keep each other strong. Right, Beck? Beck?

**My sister-in-law and brother kept Riley for me this weekend, giving me a chance to catch up on work, life, laundry, etc. I'm feeling so much more sane this week. Thanks, guys. I love you and I OWE you.

**What does one wear to the commissioning ceremony of one's ex-husband? And what does one dress one's daughter in for said ceremony. She's the important part of this, I'm just the chauffer. Honestly, the things you end up trying to figure out sometimes in the name of co-parenting. Who would have thought....

**I need to do some spring shopping. I might need to call in Jenica and Hannah for another one of their famous interventions. They are way better at it than I am.

**Speaking of wardrobes, my future husband has more clothes than any one man I have ever seen. Except maybe P-Diddy. But I actually think he might have Diddy beat. It's truly amazing. He makes me looks incredibly lame in the fashion department. He also has a nail clipper on his keys and fixes my nails for me regularly. High-maintenance, yes, but he's so adorable. :)

**I'm DREAMING of a week on the Oregon coast. Gorgeous scenery, the beach, lighthouses...mmmm....yummy. How am I gonna make that happen?

**At work today, i was scheduling a meeting and found that i'm already scheduling myself into May. May!! Where did the winter go?

**Not that I'm complaining about the winter on it's way out because that means it time for CYCLING! Little Red, ULCER, LOTOJA....it's gonna be an awesome season!

**Which reminds me...should I join a biking team? Which one? I have friends who ride for several different ones. Hmmmm......

**I'm tired, so i guess that's enough with the random thoughts.

Good night, ya'll. Happy Monday.

Good Stuff

Girl Date Photo, tonight

*TED talks: inspiration and motivation in 18 minutes or less. Today, this one made me laugh out loud and think in a different way, which is just what I needed. I'd really like to give one of these someday. I'd consider my life a complete and total success if I ever made the kind of societal contributions that is required to be a TED speaker.

*I really like it when ex spouses don't act crazy. Having one and being one myself, I understand that part of the ex spouse role is to sometimes act a little bit nuts, but seriously, some people take it to new levels of nut-jobbiness. So I especially appreciate it when they act like the sane, rational, good people they probably are anyway. (Please note, this is just a general statement. It is not reflective of my own ex spouse at all. He's pretty low on the nut-jobby scale these days).

*I *heart* Girl Dates with my daughter. Tonight, I needed some Riley time that didn't involve cooking or dishes or housework or arguing with her about TV time, so we went out to dinner and then she got to pick out a new toy, just because I felt like spoiling her. She and her new bathtub Dora are having a ball as I write this. On the way there, I said "Riley, I love you SOOOO much." She replied with "Mommy, I love you TOOOO much." Never too much, bugga. It's never too much.

*In honor of his birthday (March 2), my daughter's daycare has been celebrating Dr. Suess all week. There has been stripe day, polka dot day, funny floral day and tomorrow is the silly sock parade. Each day, she has come home with her face painted in that day's theme (you can see remnants of today's facial art in the photo). She loves it, and has been so excited to take part each day, and I love that they are emphasizing an amazing author and encouraging reading in kids as young as Riley.

*Taking a cue from my favorite New Jersey Amy, I'm writing a poem a day in March. If I can make myself brave enough, I might post some of them here. I find poetry to be a very intimate form of expression, and while I may share a lot of myself here, I'm still debating about that. Still, even in the three days of March so far, I'm enjoying the mental exercise and remembering how the lines and stanzas sometimes flicker into my conciousness unbidden. Often, all I have to do is capture them.

Off Balance

I woke up today with a backache. Not just a little twinge, but a persistent, painful, 'i-can-barely-move' backache. This should have been enough to clue me in that something wasn't right. I'm healthy and in good shape; waking up with aches and pains is not the norm for me.

So I made a mental note to call my chiropractor as soon as her office opened, popped some "Vitamin I" (ibuprofen) and proceeded with my day.

The morning just went downhill from there. My work email was full of demands on my already limited time, my personal email contained some bad news from a good friend. My daughter didn't feel completely well still, so she was not happy with anything, and she went off to daycare in angry tears, refusing to give me a hug or kiss. As it always does, this set me up for tears of my own, and I spent the next couple of hours trying to put out the worst of the work fires, while lamenting my failure as a mother (I know this isn't true, but it felt that way today). I got ready for the day while consuming the breakfast of champions (i.e. Diet Mt. Dew) and left for my chiropractic appointment. I'm still not sure if I washed my hair or not.

Apparently the Universe was looking out for me today, because Jenica also had an appointment at the same time, so I was able to chat things up with her while we waited to be seen. She knows my whole story. She knows my world. She was in my home last night, and she saw right through the "i'm alright" and just listened while I spilled about my piles of laundry, and my to-do list that has quickly gotten out of control, and my worries about not being able to handle everything that's going on right now, and my fears of not being enough. And finally something settled within me that has been lingering in my soul for the past few days.

I have a lot going on right now. A LOT. I have a long list of major projects that are due in the next few months for work. My daughter hasn't felt well for quite a while, which makes her clingy and whiny, and is unusual for my independent little one. Her illness has caused me to miss some time at work, but my list of responsibilities continues to get longer by the day. My personal life has some truly wonderful things happening, but with that comes a lot of decisions to be made and a lot of changes to negotiated. My daughter's father has been dealing with some upheaval in his life, too, which has caused her time with him (and thus, my time without her when i'm most productive) to be inconsistent and unpredictable. This unpredictability has left her more than a bit confused and she's been more needy than usual lately. I haven't been working out like I need and like to, mostly due to the unpredictable visitation schedule my daughter has with her dad, but also because there is so much to do at work right now. To add to this, I'm anticipating moving in the next few months, so I am trying to figure out the timing of selling my condo but I'm still not certain exactly where i'll be moving to. And this is just THE SHORT LIST.

Oh, boy.

So after some *snap*crackle*pop* to my back and neck, I diagnosed myself.

Like my spine, my life is out of balance. Not seriously, but enough that some treatment is needed. I was ignoring the signs and symptoms, and so my body gave me a physical sign I couldn't ignore.

And now I'm trying to figure out the next steps. What can I do now that will help me get centered enough to make these decisions rationally instead of reacting to situations beyond my control? What can I do to make more time to train, so I can feel physically healthy and whole, while still fulfilling my obligations at work? How can I help my daughter through the transitions that she has to make while maintaining a normal level of patience and sanity with her? How do I make time for my very new relationship when he and I both have other very important commitments to attend to?

Seriously, people....how do I do this? I know I'll figure it out, but any advice is greatly appreciated.