Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

The day before my Dad's birthday party (Mid May), I started to feel sorta under the weather.  Nothing major, just a bug.  Then it got worse.  Coughing, fever, chest congestion.  After a week, it required antibiotics.  After two weeks, it became apparent that it required different antibiotics.  My doctor actually wrote "The mother of all sinus infections" on my medical record as a diagnosis the second time I went in to see him.  Awesome.  A few days later, my doc added "in-office"breathing treatments, a steroid and an inhaler to the mix because the coughing was making my breathing wheezy and labored.  Not so fun.  And when I was heading out of town for work and knew I'd be kid free and able to get four really good nights of sleep, he added a strong nighttime cough medicine in hopes that some solid zzzzz's would help knock this out.  (and oh, did I enjoy those drugged up, out cold nights!)  It's been another two weeks, and the antibiotics and steroid are finished.  I'm still using the inhaler more than I'd like, and I'm still coughing a lot.  I'm still wiped out easily and early.  I'm better - much, much better than I was -  but i'm still not feeling great.

Suffice it to say, it's not been a whole lot of fun. 

 I wrote today in my morning pages about just how fed up I am with being sick and tired.  It's interesting to me that, during all of this, I've only missed a couple of days of work.  I still took my daughter to Disneyland and had a dang good time doing it!  I still completed a trip to San Diego for a work conference.  I've still cleaned my house and folded laundry and handled all the things that single mama hood throws into the mix.  I'm not trying to claim superhero status - all of these things needed to be done and so I did them - sometimes you have to just push through.  And oh yes - forgot to mention - on top all this off,  I've also been dealing with the sale of my condo and purchasing a new house during the last month as well.  So yeah...it's been a crazy, fun, eventful, exhausting month even without the added burden of a lingering illness.  And so yeah...I'm ready to be done feeling sick and tired.  

Part of my reflective journaling while recovering from this has been about knowing what other little things are showing up in my life and stealing my focus and energy, and how am I handling them?  Do I ignore them and hope they'll go away, while I continue to try to do all the things that have to be done?  Or do I do a good job of investigating and understanding them and taking time out to deal before some wicked combination of issues becomes critical and requires major intervention.  I wish I could say that it's the latter, but my default mode is to keep going and keep doing until I just can't anymore.  It's a sticky balance to find, because I really don't believe in dropping everything and going to bed when things aren't going right.  I do believe that a sense or order and structure are helpful for me to feel good about how my life is going.  I do think that a clean house -not perfection, but clean dishes, floors and laundry- is as important as brushing your teeth.  Still,  this past month has been teaching me a great big lesson in the importance of self care and the need to build in some room for recovery and rest. 

For me, this is part of authentic living - knowing yourself well enough to know where that balance is.  What must be done and what can wait?  What is necessary and what is "nice to do?"  What is self care and what is selfish?  I'm still working through those details for myself and trying to find some basic guidelines, but one things is for certain - I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I can't do this again. 

A blog tour (a week late)

Well, as usual, I seem to be running about a week late with things that aren't on my "must do to stay alive" list, so I'm about a week late in getting my blog post up for a blog tour I am part of.  I suck.  I know.  I'm ok with it.  Anyway....

I was asked to be part of a blog tour by the lovely and talented Eileen Nishi.  I met Eileen at Serendipity last October, and although we didn't really spend a lot of time together there,  any time we did interact I thought "this chic is just cool."  Since then, we've become blog/instagram/facebook friends and I admire her eye for  photography, her laid-back-mama-of-boys parenting style and her funky fashion style (her glasses! Her shoes! swoooon.)  You can check her out at www.westofwhimsy.com.  She's awesome.  Go see for yourself.

Anyway, on with my blog tour interview. 

What am I working on?
Most of my writing and photography these days is about capturing memories for my family and my daughter.  I burned out of scrapbooking in a very big way before Riley was even born, but I have been really diligent about taking photos and writing in my journal all along,  and I'm currently working on curating some of that into what I hope becomes a personal history of my life as a mother.  It's a very private undertaking, which is why I haven't talked much about it, and it's turning out to be deeply healing.  Besides that, I'm working on some other writing projects (fiction!  short stories!) and also working on a photo project that I hope to turn into something awesome someday.   

 How does my work differ from others of its genre?
I'm not even sure what my genre is. Blogger, I guess, although that feels more defined and real than I consider myself to be.  Writer is more accurate, because although I write all the time, 95% of the stuff I write will never show up on my blog.  I write about being me, being a mom, being a sister, daughter, aunt and friend.  I write about what's happening in my world and I write about how it makes me feel.  I write a lot of poetry - some good, some really, really bad. Character sketches.  Essays.  Lists.  Random crap.  I write a lot for no major reason, which perhaps is unique in and of itself.  I'm just trying to get the words out. 

Why do I write/create what I do?

Quite honestly, I write to stay sane.  Because there is not better way for me to work through an experience or process what I am feeling.  Because once I can lay down the words that are bouncing around my head into some sort of cogent structure, I can start to bring them to center and integrate them into my life story.  Simply put, if my words can't come together to tell the story, I know I have more soulwork to do.   My reason for my inteest in photography is also simple.  I take pictures because I want to remember things.  I try to learn about technique, composition and form because my life continues to offer up beautiful moments and I want to capture those in a way that reflects that beauty when possible.   It's that simple. 

How does your writing/creative process work?
One of my New Year's Intentions was to be more conciously and consistenly creative.  Althought I am constantly writing in my head, I am not the best about getting words down in a meaningful form unless I commit to it. So a few nights a week, I've been setting my timer for 30 or 45 minutes and just working on something.  Anything.  My photos, my writing, a jewelry piece, a sewing project or the Project Life Album Riley and I are keeping this year....whatever.  Something. I do something creative.  It sometimes feels forced, but when the timer rings, I'm always glad I did it. 

So, I had three people who agreed to take part in this tour, and for different and valid reasons, all three were all unable to do it.  So, how about some of my readers take over?  Anyone want to help continue this blog tour?  Shoot me an email and we'll get you going.  And thanks, Eileen, for the invitation to join!  

Rainy nights and HELLS yes!

I am stretched out on a squeaky twin bed in a rental house in St. Simons Island, GA.  My little girl is in the twin bed beside mine, having finally exhausted her seemingly endless stream-of-consciousness chatter and dropped into an even-breathed sleep. The rain is hitting the rooftops of this old, charming house in a steady, solid rhythm that I find soothing and sleep-Inducing.  Our friend and her dog are both asleep in the other room, their presence a reminder of the lovely people we are lucky to have in our world.   The four of us piled in the car and drove a rainy five hours from Atlanta to the Georgia coast hoping for sunshine, but it looks like we may only have tiny slices of that particular commodity.  That's ok.  Rain or shine, I'm grateful for the time away from my day-to-day and time to spend with my little one and my friend.  And rain or shine, I'm certain some small adventures will be found this weekend, in this beautiful coastal place. That seems to be what happens with this particular cast of characters.

On the drive here, and more so tonight as I sit listening to the rain, I've been thinking about what it takes to say "yes" to living the life I want for myself and my Girl.  About how I've had to say no to some things in order to say yes to something I want more or be strategic about where I put my energy so there is enough to carry me through the yeses.  I've been thinking about those times the yes was hard to hear and about the other times it wasn't just a yes, but a loud, deep and resounding " oh HELLS yes!"  I love the HELLS Yeses. The chance to travel, especially when it involves seeing friends and family and exploring new places is almost always a "HELLS Yes!" for me.  And even when if doesn't go as well as hoped, I've found that when I'm answering the call of yes, the rainy drives and cold ocean water don't disappoint me as much as ignoring what I truly desire would. 

So tonight I'm making a promise to myself to keep finding ways to say yes to the big yeses, the real yeses, and most certainly the "HELLS yeses."  I'm not sure what that means yet, but that's ok.  It's enough to know I'm working on setting up camp permanently in the land of yes.   It seems that, for me, it's the only place to live. 

Reset

Lately, I've had an irrepressible need to make everything feel cleaner and lighter.  I've been purging all sorts of stuff from around the house and spending time organizing and deleting documents and photos on my computer. I've opened windows to coax the spring air inside and moved heavy winter coats and clothing into storage.  I've brought in more plants to help the air quality in my home, and more flowers to help my mind focus on the coming spring season. 

With all this emphasis on "Clean" and "Light" in my home, I've been forced to take a hard look at the way I'm treating my body, the flesh and bone house that keeps my brain and soul and heart in one physical place. 

Guys....It's not pretty.  

I'm usually pretty good and living a healthy, clean lifestyle, but Holy Wow!  I could do with a little spring cleaning of my own. The past few months have not been easy in so many ways, and the fallout has been in the ways I care for myself.  I've not been eating well; not exercising nearly as much as I require.  I've been going to bed very late then getting up very early.  My days are fueled with caffeine and chemicals (Diet soda, guys.  Nothing more interesting than that, but honestly, that's bad enough.) My stress level is climbing.  I'm both exhausted and wired at all times. 

It's time to hit the reset button. 

I believe in moderation in all things.  I have tried hard core cleanses and crazy intense workouts, and while I love the idea of that kind of dedication and intensity, I know myself and my current lifestyle won't support it. 

So what will my life currently support?  What does "Clean and Light: 2014" look like?  Here's what I'm thinking for now:

• Open windows
• Lots of water (a ridiculous amount lately - I think I've been seriously dehydrated.)
• Plenty of greens and my favorite "whole foods knockoff superfood salad" 
• Fruit, especially citrus
• Sleep.  As much as I can get in. 
• Walking.  Again, as much as I can. 
• Weight training and strength work and lots and lots and lots of yoga.  
• Stronger boundaries- helps limit the drama that feels so heave to me (there's another blog post on this topic soon.) 
• Limit the bad sh*t (I mean that mentally, physically, socially, emotionally, spiritually, etc.  I'm getting rid of as much bad sh*t as I can.) 

It's not rocket science, but this is what works for me.  I'm sure that there will be slip-ups and let downs and days when I'm too tired to do anything but the basics and takeout is inevitable.  But it's a process, a work in progress, and will never be perfect. And that's ok.

Practicing Gratitude. Again.

I am at my happiest and most authentic when I'm consistently and openly counting my blessings.  It's a practice that I really worked to cultivate years ago, and one that I blogged about pretty regularly.  Although the formal practice has waxed and waned over time,  I always come back around to it when I am trying to shift into a more positive, motivated, mindful place.  Which is exactly what I am doing now.  So,  here we go...

 Tonight, I'm grateful for:
*My family and friends, who are always willing to listen and to help me out when I need it.  This single, working, trying-to-have-a-life parent thing would not work as well as it does without them behind the scenes.
*Afterschool care that keeps Riley active, engaged and learning.
*Upcoming travel plans.  We have a Spring Break trip coming up in a few weeks, and I'm planning an end-of-school-year Surprise vacation for the Girl.  (Shhhhh....) It's nice to have something to anticipate.
* Reruns of "The Office" and Pinterest Humor Boards.  As silly (lame, pathetic, whatever) as it sounds, these two things have saved my sanity the past few weeks.  Whenever things get to be just too much, a little humor break brings me back to calm.

Showing up for myself.

A housekeeping item:
If you're a regular reader, you'll notice I'm back to my 'old' blog.  The new one never fit quite right.  It was scratchy at the seams and a little too short for my long arms and legs.  And while I loved the idea of starting in a new place, this is my most beloved corner of the internet and this is where I wanted to be.  So I'm gonna be here.  At least for now.  I've moved the other content over here so all is in one place, but there are some tweaks I'll be sorting out as I go.  Onwards and upwards. 

So, 2014 has, well...kinda sorta sucked so far.  There have been beautiful, amazing moments, for sure, but overall, it's sucked.  I could Pollyanna this for you, and run on with some blather about gratitude and letting go and sitting with the uncomfortableness and all that.  Someday I'll be in the headspace to appreciate those lessons, but right now, I'm willing to chalk the first couple of months of 2014 up to one simple statement:  "This.  Just.  Blows."  (Note to self:  When you choose "Space" as your word for 2014, you should expect that "Space" to manifest itself in uncomfortable and strange ways.  More on that later....)


This past weekend, as I wrestled with decisions and deadlines, and the overwhelming feelings of "I just do not know what I am doing" I heard a very quiet voice whisper back to me:  "Yes.  You do.  You absolutely do."  I argued.  I stated my case.  I laid down the facts and recounted the myriad ways I had screwed things up lately.  It was a strong argument and I ended it with the same statement.  "I just don't know what I am doing."  And the same voice became louder and more insistent.  "Yes.  You do.  Quit thinking.  Do something about it." 

Here's the thing:  the voice in my head was right  (note to my family: Yes, i'm acknowledging the voices in my head.  make sure you bookmark this page for my therapist's records, should you ever need to check me into the mental unit.)  I needed to take some sort of action.  Right then.  I'm in my head a lot, it's true, but the core of who I am is an action oriented do-er; a person who likes plans and goals.  I rarely solve my problems by "sitting" with them.  It's too esoteric and besides, I like to move.  Instead, I pedal or run or swim my way through them and the next step is usually waiting for me when I'm done.  So I got busy and I made a plan. 

It's pretty simple.  I'm done complaining and I'm done "sitting with" my issues and hoping they go away, and instead I'm going to start showing up for myself in all the ways that I know make a difference for me.   I'm going to show up for myself exactly as I am, dragging my imperfections and indecision and mistakes I've made behind me, and trust that they'll get lost or forgiven along the way.  I'm going to show up for myself because I can't really expect anyone else to solve my problems for me, and whining about them wasn't doing anything but adding to the drama of it all.  (And oh, good grief.  I hate drama. Especially when I'm the cause.)

I'm not sure what "showing up for myself" is going to look like each day.  I'm trying to be ok with that level of ambiguity.  Yesterday, it meant attending church services with an open heart and mind, and then taking a few minutes to meet up with and hug one of my dearest friends who was in from out of town.  Today it meant getting on the treadmill and running as far as I could manage in the time I had (it was only 3 miles, but hey- I'll take it.)    I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I am going to show up for myself.  As we say in my house - Pinky swear.
   

It's how it seems to go - originally posted February 5th

Do you ever get really great ideas, get super-excited about them, make detailed and deliberate plans to get all the various balls rolling, get started, and then....wham....something hits you to knock you off track?

That seems to be the name of the game these days.

I love new beginnings and I launched into 2014 with big ideas, exciting plans and all sorts of creative goodness brewing.  I had a list (ok, several lists.)  I had a schedule.  I wrote goals and objectives, people.  Goals. and. Objectives!

Note to self:  writing goals and objectives might just be the quickest way to throw a wrench into the works.

Since then, a whole lotta stuff has shown up to collide and complicate.  Nothing terrible, tragic or insurmountable, just "being a grown-up/responsible citizen/good mother" stuff, but it has been almost constant and annoyingly persistent.  Even minor but persistent annoyances add up over time.

So right now, today,  I am calling a halt on the "but I wanted to do this" and "I had hoped for that" and am instead focusing on the realities of where I am at, right now.  Today.  I'm working on getting my focus back where it should be and I am reassessing priorities and setting strong and clear boundaries.  I'm taking a hard look at what stays, what goes and what needs to change and then I'm putting the steps I need to take in those directions into action, one little step at a time.

Because even little steps add up over time.