The end of this chapter.

As 2013 draws to a close, I really can't be anything but grateful for the love and goodness it contained. Sure, there were some (really) hard times and I experienced some big losses, some major changes and the accompanying growing pains.  Still, those pale in comparison to the sweetness that has woven itself through every moment and has colored my days. 

Some of the highlights of 2013 include:
**a new job that has given me room to stretch and grow, and keeps me present to that truth that the work I do and the skills I bring to the table matter.
**Several opportunities to travel to connect more deeply with those I love, including trips to New York City/New Jersey, Colorado, Alaska, and the Outer Banks. 
**Riley finding her groove and absolutely thriving in first grade.

The past few days, I've been reflecting on what changes I want to make for myself and my Girl in 2014, and have spent some time thinking about how to best bring those into reality.  I know 2014 is a year that will bring big (exciting) changes to my life, and I want to focus my energy on bringing some audacious creative goals to fruition.   To do this, I need to clear some space (both literally and figuratively) and bring other chapters to an end.  This blog is one of those chapters.  This is the last time blog post I'll write here in this space.

This blog has told my story of so much of my life over the past six years:  as a single mama of an infant trying to figure out how the hell to live my new reality, as a divorced woman finding her way back in the world of dating and men (oh yes, that story is still being written) and as a working professional parent trying to balance both of those demanding roles.  I've written here about my joys, my heartbreaks and the thousands of little moments that have added up to a beautiful, rich life and one that I am so proud to call my own.  I love this little corner of the internet, and I am so grateful for the ability it has given me to tell my own story in my own way.  And now it's time for a new space with room for new creation and new intention, and a new year seems like the perfect time to bring that space online.  I'll be posting the link to my new site tomorrow afternoon. 

Thank you for joining me on this journey, and for helping me to get to where I am now.  The connections I've made through this blog have been life changing for me.  I do hope you'll follow me as I move into my new space.  I'm excited to share my lovely little audacious life with you.

Edited to Add:  My new blog is up and running.  I hope you'll join me there.  www.littleaudaciouslife.com. 

The Truth Is This.

 Most of the time, I think I have this whole life thing (kinda sorta) figured out.  But really, when it comes down to the minute-to-minute living, to those tiny portions that sum the whole?  There I have to admit that I have no idea what I'm doing.  I am mostly making things up as I go along. I think we all are.

The more I learn about people- to really understand them what makes them tick, to really get them on a gut level- it's plain to me that everyone holds a story that will break your heart.  Some carry it around in their back pockets, throwing it out for casual dissection.  They toss their story on the table, right next to their keys and coat, then wander off and leave you to riffle awkwardly through the pages.  Others tiptoe carefully, cradling their heartbreak in cupped palms, hoping no one gets close enough to notice the way their shoulders are starting to slouch, how their hands tremble at the weight.   I'm not sure into which category I fall.  Perhaps we all shift and stumble across them both.   

I used to think I knew a lot about a lot of things, but now I realize that I know a little about a lot of things and a lot about a few things and absolutely nothing about many things.  A lot of what I thought I knew has turned out to be false, and much of what I think I know today could be proven wrong tomorrow.  Facts are usually fluid and when it comes right down to it, it's all a matter of perception anyway.  

Nothing is wasted.  Every smile. Every tear. Every whispered longing. Every answered call. Every sin. Every victory. Every kindness.  Every moment of bravery.  Every simple stretch of quiet.  Every rush of adrenaline.  Every regret.  Every truth.  Every mistake.  Every triumph. They all add up to something beautiful, something uniquely yours.   Nothing is wasted.  It all matters. 

On Time (Or, Riley's first day of first grade)

Lately, I've been thinking about Time.* 

I have been thinking about when Riley was a newborn, and how I dreaded the nights- those lonely and seemingly endless nights-because they felt like Time had stopped dead somewhere between dusk and dawn.  I remember how each audible tick of the clock echoed in my ears, making a mockery of my footsteps while I paced the floors with an fussy baby who quite simply refused to sleep. Time was a slippery vixen then.  There never seemed to be enough to meet the needs of single, working motherhood, but then at night - then, there was simply too much. 

I have been wondering if I did this to myself.  Did I force Time's hand?  When Riley started smiling, I couldn't wait to hear her laugh.  When she was crawling, I was anxiously awaiting her first steps.  It seems I was always waiting for the next milestone, for the next big thing.  The first time she lost a tooth, the first time she wrote her own name.  Now, I can't help wondering if I pushed Time too much then, demanding it speed up and race at the pace I was setting,  and the punishment I'm facing now is that it has. 

Time continues to be something of a thief and a bully.  It continues to steal moments from me, continues to elude me, continues to take what's mine.  I feel as if I can't win here, there just is simply never enough time, so I am continually reminding myself to make the moments I do have with my child matter.
 

Make them count. 

   

This past week, the Girl started first grade.  Her preschool and kindergarten experiences were both tied to her daycare, so while they were school, they weren't really "school."  There were no bells or assigned seats, and there were only ten or twelve kids in her class.   Now there are school handbooks and tardy bells and principal's offices.  School now- it's the real deal.  

The night before school started, we washed and brushed her hair, picked out clothes and packed her backpack with the requisite forms and snacks.  She went to bed, nervous and excited and chattering a mile a minute, then finally settling into a restless sleep.

I sat down in the hallway outside her room and cried.

How is it possible that I have an almost-six-year old? Where did the Time go?  Did I use it well, or did I squander this precious, precious commodity.  Have I given her what she needs so she can confidently navigate this next stage of her life?  Will she find the bus to her afterschool program ok?  Will the other kids be nice to her?  Will she make friends? Who will help her figure out how to access her lunch money account?  Will she feel empowered to learn and grow, or will she slip into the timid mode that is her fall-back when she's overwhelmed?  For quite a while, I sat just outside her bedroom, listening to her talk in her sleep, and these questions filled my entire heart with a heavy, heavy weight. 

 For so long, I have felt as if I had to speed up time, had to keep moving, and now that the reality of it's passage was staring me in the face, I could only beg Time to show a little mercy.  Please, please, let me keep my baby little, just for a bit longer.  

The next day dawned bright and sunny, and the Girl dawned bright and sunny, as well.  She ate breakfast, got dressed and allowed me to take a few pictures, and when the Time was right, we headed up the hill.  She was nervous and hung back near me, and when the bell rang, she hung on to me and cried a bit.  I could tell she was overwhelmed by the noise and the sheer mass of kids, and truth be told, I was too.  Still, after a bit of coaxing from her sweet new teacher, she finally went into her classroom and continued on to a fun and successful first day at school.

 And I sat in my jeep outside of work and cried.

I cried the next day after dropping her off, and the following day, too and while I'm certain my co-workers now think I'm an emotional nutjob, I have come out of this week having learned an important lesson.  

In the battle of Amy vs Time, there is only ever going to be one winner.  I will never find enough Time, and even if Time rolled over and surrendered to my wishes to keep my baby little, it still wouldn't be enough for me to take in all the laughter, tears, and tiny little moments that make up the everyday.  There is simply not enough.  There are competing demands, and I'm not going to get what I want here.

What  I can do is this:  spend what time I do have with my first grader fully immersed in the present moment.  Notice the way her eyes light up when she thinks she's outsmarted me, and how her freckles are deepening against her milky, pale skin.  Pay attention to the words she speaks in her husky, smokers-lounge voice and engage completely when she tells me her secrets and dreams.  Be willing to put down the to-do list in order to snuggle with her when she asks and put aside the laundry or dishes to play with her when she wants me to be her playmate.  It's not enough, but it's what I have.  It's all I have. 

I want to be fully and completely engaged in these moments of motherhood, and not spend more of tomorrow's Time wondering where they went.



*I capitalized Time in this post because it feels big, it feels like a main character.  No need to email me and tell me it's incorrect.
**Thanks, Frister, for finding my words so I could repost them again.  You're the bestest. 

Today.

Today, I'm:

Thinking about the best ways to live a simple, beautiful, prioritized life.  This isn't always easy, but the efforts I make towards this kind of living are always worth it.

Preparing to start the process of updating my ceilings.  It's time to bid farewell to the popcorn texture of the 1970s.  Its been a while since I took on a home improvement challenge, and I'm weirdly excited about it.  The only downside - the trip to Home Depot that is looming near in my future.  I have a solid hatred of any kind of shopping that involves big box stores and lots of people.

Putting my house back in order after having family here for much of the month of July.  I purposely neglect any sort of housework that isn't necessary when I have them here (I'd much rather spend my time enjoying them,) and now it's time to dig through the chaos. It's totally worth it, though.  I love having my nieces and nephews here, despite the limited space in my small condo.

Listening to "Hotel Transylvania" while Riley watches it.  It's one of my favorite kids movies ever - the dialogue is hilarious.  Have you seen it?  You should!

Grateful the Girl had a playdate this afternoon. She burned off a whole lot of energy with one of the coolest families we know, and I was able to take some time and do a few things for myself.

Sorting out the logistics of the new school year.   In the mix is my new job, a new school for Riley, an off-site after-school program, swim team and gymnastics for the Girl, a different gym for me, and a million other details.  I know it will all work out just fine, but the current state of flux is anxiety-inducing for me if I think about it too much.

Laughing (still) about these beautiful artifacts my sister and I ran across in an thrift store yesterday.  Seriously, WTF?!  I can't imagine why we didn't bring them home.  I mean, they are just breathtaking, right?

Thank You, Alaska.

Thank you, Alaska.
For your rough and wild beauty.

For sunny days and soft, quiet nights. 

Noon, June 12th

Midnight, June 12th

And the twin gypsy spirits of freedom and adventure. 

Thank you, Alaska. 
For an intelligent and big-hearted sister.

And for molding my baby brother into an incredible man. 

 

 One who treasures and protects his family,
and makes no apologies for living life on his own terms.

 

 Thank you, Alaska.

For the sweetest, silliest baby niece  - a tiny pixie with a bold and sunny spirit.
This little one has captured my heart completely with her cheerful, charming ways. 

 

Thank you, Alaska.  
For the peace that came from the sea and the sky.
For the space to find the center of my soul,
and the courage to breathe light into a dusty, neglected corner of my heart.

 

 

Thank you, Alaska.
For letting me walk your mountains, 
Soak in your waters and
Marvel at the wonders you put before me.

You've caught a part of my soul- the part that craves adventure and altitude-
and it's speaking earnestly enough for me to know this now.


I'll be back.

Mid-year check-in: Transitions

On New Years Day, I was having a text conversation with an old friend, and he asked me what 2013 was going to be about for me.  I replied with this statement: "2013 is the year that I hold lots of babies, travel a lot to connect with friends and family, make some changes professionally, and fall in love."

I saved that text, and I refer back to it once in a while to check in with myself- am I spending my time and energy to accomplish those things?

My one New Year's Resolution I make each year is one I will make every year - to hold more babies.  Why?  Because there is nothing quite as joyful as snuggling up with a baby.  It is peace and love and joy in a tiny, perfect person.  And thankfully, my siblings and friends have had the good sense to provide me with several new babies, so I never have to go long without working on my resolution. 

Me and Sylvie- June 12, 2013

Travel has been big on the agenda this year - So far, we've spent time in Colorado, New Jersey, New York City, and Alaska, and there are still some trips to come.  We've been fortunate to connect in-person with friends and family, and have made some very special memories.  (Watch out for my AK pics- I'll get them up this week, I hope.)

Views from the plane - Alaska is breathtaking from everywhere.

 

Falling in love - meh.  Still working on that.  Actually, that's not even true- I'm not working at all on that.   But I am working on caring enough about it to actually work on it.  So that's something.  (Let it be said that I am rather lazy about this part of my life- I'd much rather spend my energy on other things than worry about my love life.  When it's supposed to happen, it will happen.  That's how it's always gone for me, and I'm trusting that it will continue to go that way.)
 
Making some changes professionally is something that I put some serious some effort into.  I have worked for my current department for more than 10 years, and I started to realize that, for a lot of reasons, it was time for a change.  I began paying attention to job openings at the University, and almost immediately, a perfect-for-me position showed up in a department I have already worked with extensively, with people I already know and respect.  I submitted my CV,  interviewed a couple of days later, and was offered the position.  The whole process was rather seamless - it just flowed.  I start that new job this coming Monday.

It's bittersweet, leaving a place I've worked for so long.  This is where I learned to really enjoy the process of scientific research.  This is where I turned book knowledge into real-life, hands on experience. This is where I have met so many amazing people, many I now count as dear friends.  This is the home of colleagues that supported me through a lot of ups and downs.  This is a place where I have always felt at home, and knew I was good at what I was doing, even when everything else in my world seemed shaky and insecure.  It was a hard decision to move on, but ultimately, it is a move I need to make.  I'm excited to take on some new challenges, and for the opportunity for personal and professional growth my new job will bring.  If you are interested, my new job is the senior research manager at UPIQ. 

So there you have it - a mid-year check in on where I am with my goals for 2013.  Overall, I'd say things are moving along just swimmingly.

So far, 2013 has not just met and surpassed my expectations.

So far, it's been a kick-ass year!

What FIVE and 3/4 looks like.

I have a bunch of things I want to blog about here (My new nieces and nephews, trip to Alaska, new job (!), Kindergarten graduation, etc.) but I simply HAD to share these photos here tonight.

I wanted to make sure I caught Riley with her missing front tooth - it's such a quintessential part of childhood - so we headed out for an evening walk with camera in tow.   She isn't always in the mood to let me take photos of her, but this night was a bit of an exception.  She was giggly and silly and hammed it up for the camera, but there were some genuine "I'm happy and carefree" smiles in the bunch, too.    I definitely got a few keepers. 

 

 

 

I know I'm biased, but this girl...she's so much fun.