Reset

Lately, I've had an irrepressible need to make everything feel cleaner and lighter.  I've been purging all sorts of stuff from around the house and spending time organizing and deleting documents and photos on my computer. I've opened windows to coax the spring air inside and moved heavy winter coats and clothing into storage.  I've brought in more plants to help the air quality in my home, and more flowers to help my mind focus on the coming spring season. 

With all this emphasis on "Clean" and "Light" in my home, I've been forced to take a hard look at the way I'm treating my body, the flesh and bone house that keeps my brain and soul and heart in one physical place. 

Guys....It's not pretty.  

I'm usually pretty good and living a healthy, clean lifestyle, but Holy Wow!  I could do with a little spring cleaning of my own. The past few months have not been easy in so many ways, and the fallout has been in the ways I care for myself.  I've not been eating well; not exercising nearly as much as I require.  I've been going to bed very late then getting up very early.  My days are fueled with caffeine and chemicals (Diet soda, guys.  Nothing more interesting than that, but honestly, that's bad enough.) My stress level is climbing.  I'm both exhausted and wired at all times. 

It's time to hit the reset button. 

I believe in moderation in all things.  I have tried hard core cleanses and crazy intense workouts, and while I love the idea of that kind of dedication and intensity, I know myself and my current lifestyle won't support it. 

So what will my life currently support?  What does "Clean and Light: 2014" look like?  Here's what I'm thinking for now:

• Open windows
• Lots of water (a ridiculous amount lately - I think I've been seriously dehydrated.)
• Plenty of greens and my favorite "whole foods knockoff superfood salad" 
• Fruit, especially citrus
• Sleep.  As much as I can get in. 
• Walking.  Again, as much as I can. 
• Weight training and strength work and lots and lots and lots of yoga.  
• Stronger boundaries- helps limit the drama that feels so heave to me (there's another blog post on this topic soon.) 
• Limit the bad sh*t (I mean that mentally, physically, socially, emotionally, spiritually, etc.  I'm getting rid of as much bad sh*t as I can.) 

It's not rocket science, but this is what works for me.  I'm sure that there will be slip-ups and let downs and days when I'm too tired to do anything but the basics and takeout is inevitable.  But it's a process, a work in progress, and will never be perfect. And that's ok.

Practicing Gratitude. Again.

I am at my happiest and most authentic when I'm consistently and openly counting my blessings.  It's a practice that I really worked to cultivate years ago, and one that I blogged about pretty regularly.  Although the formal practice has waxed and waned over time,  I always come back around to it when I am trying to shift into a more positive, motivated, mindful place.  Which is exactly what I am doing now.  So,  here we go...

 Tonight, I'm grateful for:
*My family and friends, who are always willing to listen and to help me out when I need it.  This single, working, trying-to-have-a-life parent thing would not work as well as it does without them behind the scenes.
*Afterschool care that keeps Riley active, engaged and learning.
*Upcoming travel plans.  We have a Spring Break trip coming up in a few weeks, and I'm planning an end-of-school-year Surprise vacation for the Girl.  (Shhhhh....) It's nice to have something to anticipate.
* Reruns of "The Office" and Pinterest Humor Boards.  As silly (lame, pathetic, whatever) as it sounds, these two things have saved my sanity the past few weeks.  Whenever things get to be just too much, a little humor break brings me back to calm.

Showing up for myself.

A housekeeping item:
If you're a regular reader, you'll notice I'm back to my 'old' blog.  The new one never fit quite right.  It was scratchy at the seams and a little too short for my long arms and legs.  And while I loved the idea of starting in a new place, this is my most beloved corner of the internet and this is where I wanted to be.  So I'm gonna be here.  At least for now.  I've moved the other content over here so all is in one place, but there are some tweaks I'll be sorting out as I go.  Onwards and upwards. 

So, 2014 has, well...kinda sorta sucked so far.  There have been beautiful, amazing moments, for sure, but overall, it's sucked.  I could Pollyanna this for you, and run on with some blather about gratitude and letting go and sitting with the uncomfortableness and all that.  Someday I'll be in the headspace to appreciate those lessons, but right now, I'm willing to chalk the first couple of months of 2014 up to one simple statement:  "This.  Just.  Blows."  (Note to self:  When you choose "Space" as your word for 2014, you should expect that "Space" to manifest itself in uncomfortable and strange ways.  More on that later....)


This past weekend, as I wrestled with decisions and deadlines, and the overwhelming feelings of "I just do not know what I am doing" I heard a very quiet voice whisper back to me:  "Yes.  You do.  You absolutely do."  I argued.  I stated my case.  I laid down the facts and recounted the myriad ways I had screwed things up lately.  It was a strong argument and I ended it with the same statement.  "I just don't know what I am doing."  And the same voice became louder and more insistent.  "Yes.  You do.  Quit thinking.  Do something about it." 

Here's the thing:  the voice in my head was right  (note to my family: Yes, i'm acknowledging the voices in my head.  make sure you bookmark this page for my therapist's records, should you ever need to check me into the mental unit.)  I needed to take some sort of action.  Right then.  I'm in my head a lot, it's true, but the core of who I am is an action oriented do-er; a person who likes plans and goals.  I rarely solve my problems by "sitting" with them.  It's too esoteric and besides, I like to move.  Instead, I pedal or run or swim my way through them and the next step is usually waiting for me when I'm done.  So I got busy and I made a plan. 

It's pretty simple.  I'm done complaining and I'm done "sitting with" my issues and hoping they go away, and instead I'm going to start showing up for myself in all the ways that I know make a difference for me.   I'm going to show up for myself exactly as I am, dragging my imperfections and indecision and mistakes I've made behind me, and trust that they'll get lost or forgiven along the way.  I'm going to show up for myself because I can't really expect anyone else to solve my problems for me, and whining about them wasn't doing anything but adding to the drama of it all.  (And oh, good grief.  I hate drama. Especially when I'm the cause.)

I'm not sure what "showing up for myself" is going to look like each day.  I'm trying to be ok with that level of ambiguity.  Yesterday, it meant attending church services with an open heart and mind, and then taking a few minutes to meet up with and hug one of my dearest friends who was in from out of town.  Today it meant getting on the treadmill and running as far as I could manage in the time I had (it was only 3 miles, but hey- I'll take it.)    I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I am going to show up for myself.  As we say in my house - Pinky swear.
   

It's how it seems to go - originally posted February 5th

Do you ever get really great ideas, get super-excited about them, make detailed and deliberate plans to get all the various balls rolling, get started, and then....wham....something hits you to knock you off track?

That seems to be the name of the game these days.

I love new beginnings and I launched into 2014 with big ideas, exciting plans and all sorts of creative goodness brewing.  I had a list (ok, several lists.)  I had a schedule.  I wrote goals and objectives, people.  Goals. and. Objectives!

Note to self:  writing goals and objectives might just be the quickest way to throw a wrench into the works.

Since then, a whole lotta stuff has shown up to collide and complicate.  Nothing terrible, tragic or insurmountable, just "being a grown-up/responsible citizen/good mother" stuff, but it has been almost constant and annoyingly persistent.  Even minor but persistent annoyances add up over time.

So right now, today,  I am calling a halt on the "but I wanted to do this" and "I had hoped for that" and am instead focusing on the realities of where I am at, right now.  Today.  I'm working on getting my focus back where it should be and I am reassessing priorities and setting strong and clear boundaries.  I'm taking a hard look at what stays, what goes and what needs to change and then I'm putting the steps I need to take in those directions into action, one little step at a time.

Because even little steps add up over time.

January 12of12 - originally posted January 15th

Another year, another chance to play along with one of my favorite projects- the 12of12 Challenge.  My very lovely friend, Amy Gretchen, is the brains and talent behind this project (she'll say it wasn't her idea, but I say she's the one who rallies behind it every month, so she gets the credit.)  The idea is to post 12 photos of your day on the 12th day of the month, for 12 months of the years.  I've participated for a few years in the past, and I still love to look back and see how my life looked on those particular days.  You can take a look at a few of my previous 12of12 challenges here, here or here.  I used to use graphs and I may go back to that format again, but not today.

So, here is what January 12 of 2014 looked for us.

[caption id="attachment_46" align="aligncenter" width="625"] The Girl takes her card games very seriously.[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_51" align="aligncenter" width="625"] Matchy-matchy[/caption]

Laundry for days.

[caption id="attachment_52" align="aligncenter" width="625"] Doesn't everyone sweep in high heels, a pink cape and sunnies?[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_43" align="aligncenter" width="625"] I'm obsessed with grapefruits right now. I could eat one for each meal.[/caption]



[caption id="attachment_53" align="aligncenter" width="625"] working on her back stroke at swimming lessons.[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_47" align="aligncenter" width="625"] Our new mattresses were delivered on Monday, so we had to pull the old ones out on Sunday. Perfect makeshift fort.[/caption]

She's such a goofball. I have no idea where she gets it from.

[caption id="attachment_50" align="aligncenter" width="625"] Bedtime treat.[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_40" align="aligncenter" width="625"] I'm trying to keep flowers or flowering plants in my home, especially during the winter months.[/caption]

I'm trying to document the little corners of my home that I love so much.

[caption id="attachment_49" align="aligncenter" width="625"] my favorite capture of the day.[/caption]

2014 Word Of The Year - originally posted January 6th, 2014

To sit and listen to my own voice.
To grow in the ways my spirit and soul desire.
To expand in my chosen work.
To ride and run and swim and climb.
To fill with the playful sounds of those I love.
To allow another a place in my world.

The end of this chapter.

As 2013 draws to a close, I really can't be anything but grateful for the love and goodness it contained. Sure, there were some (really) hard times and I experienced some big losses, some major changes and the accompanying growing pains.  Still, those pale in comparison to the sweetness that has woven itself through every moment and has colored my days. 

Some of the highlights of 2013 include:
**a new job that has given me room to stretch and grow, and keeps me present to that truth that the work I do and the skills I bring to the table matter.
**Several opportunities to travel to connect more deeply with those I love, including trips to New York City/New Jersey, Colorado, Alaska, and the Outer Banks. 
**Riley finding her groove and absolutely thriving in first grade.

The past few days, I've been reflecting on what changes I want to make for myself and my Girl in 2014, and have spent some time thinking about how to best bring those into reality.  I know 2014 is a year that will bring big (exciting) changes to my life, and I want to focus my energy on bringing some audacious creative goals to fruition.   To do this, I need to clear some space (both literally and figuratively) and bring other chapters to an end.  This blog is one of those chapters.  This is the last time blog post I'll write here in this space.

This blog has told my story of so much of my life over the past six years:  as a single mama of an infant trying to figure out how the hell to live my new reality, as a divorced woman finding her way back in the world of dating and men (oh yes, that story is still being written) and as a working professional parent trying to balance both of those demanding roles.  I've written here about my joys, my heartbreaks and the thousands of little moments that have added up to a beautiful, rich life and one that I am so proud to call my own.  I love this little corner of the internet, and I am so grateful for the ability it has given me to tell my own story in my own way.  And now it's time for a new space with room for new creation and new intention, and a new year seems like the perfect time to bring that space online.  I'll be posting the link to my new site tomorrow afternoon. 

Thank you for joining me on this journey, and for helping me to get to where I am now.  The connections I've made through this blog have been life changing for me.  I do hope you'll follow me as I move into my new space.  I'm excited to share my lovely little audacious life with you.

Edited to Add:  My new blog is up and running.  I hope you'll join me there.  www.littleaudaciouslife.com.